Obsessive Web-Surfing

[The_Eye]

Hi everyone ! First of all let me introduce myself : my name is 'The Eye' and I am a new user .

I have been diagnosed with OCD and CYCLOTHYMIA. My OCD consists of repeated intrusive thought that sabotage my actions.

Everyday, I check the internet for 2 things : music-related articles (how-to compose music) and my email account (you never know, I might miss an email ! I check it 5 times a day) . I surf the internet for 2 to 5 hours a day ( more on Sundays ). I've taken Paxil for a couple of years and it improved my situation (finally could concentrate), but then I've stopped because I can't stand feeling apathetic.

I also am a musician, but I struggle to write music because I hear this voice 'What are you gonna do with your music ? Who's gonna listen to it? Nobody.Stop making it'.

 

 

[The_Eye]

Hey man, yeah I feel your pain, I'm a compulsive web-browser as well

[snowbear]

Hello 'Eye' and welcome to the forum. 

I see from your reply to yourself that you have a sense of humour, even if there's a hint of sarcasm in there too. 

There are a few common reasons why someone might not get any (immediate) replies to a post. There may not be many people using the forum at that time of day or people may not know what to say, especially if it isn't clear what kind of advice or support the poster is seeking. 

So you're a compulsive web-browser? Ok. What kind of thoughts make you do that compulsion? Does telling yourself nobody will listen to your music lead you to browse for advice on how to write better music, or are you surfing for inspiration? 

Do you check your email to rid yourself of the anxiety that you might miss something, or is checking frequently just a habit you've developed from spending too much time online?

You say you've been diagnosed with OCD and that your intrusive thoughts sabotage your actions. Ok, but I'm struggling a little to see how that relates to spending several hours a day on the internet. Where's the 'self-sabotage'? Prolonged surfing isn't healthy for anyone, but not all compulsive behaviors are necessarily OCD driven.

Low self-confidence makes any creative activity difficult. Is this only a problem believing in your music or do you have low confidence in other areas too?

Since stopping the Paxil has your OCD got worse (more intrusive thoughts or higher anxiety?) 

What success have you had at stopping your compulsions? What makes it a struggle? What help have you received so far?

Answering some of these kinds of questions will help us understand better what information it is you want and what support you need from other forum users.  

[The_Eye]

Hi snowbear, thanks for your kind answer I'm aware that my post wasn't very specific, I was hoping that someone could relate to it and maybe give me some external opinion.

The sarcasm you mentioned was actually frustration !

 

You are right, I actually exposed 2 'symptoms' in 1, the Web-surfing and the Music-related 'Intrusive Thoughts'.

 

I will try to explain better :

 

1) Yes, I check the internet for 'methods to write music'. If I stop and think about it, this makes no sense, since I already have the tools to write music in my head (I have studied music for 15 years). So, I have tried to 'rationalize' the creative process so that I can control inspiration at my pleasure and, especially, to craft the PERFECT COMPOSITION. The result is that I

procrastinate the ACT OF WRITING MUSIC, so I will not take risks for it. Bear in mind that I have no problems taking chances

in others area of my life ! When I was a teenager (I'm 30 now) I had a narcissistic music teacher that wanted me to be 'the best' and he probably made a mess.

 

2) I check the mail because I'm looking for a better job than my actual one (which I despise), and there is a small percentage of possibility that I get a job offer on the email. It happened ONCE.

 

What am I asking for ? well, I just want some external feedback on my 'case' .

What worked for me until now ? The best thing I did for myself, was MOVING THE PC out of my bedroom.

This way, when I'm there I'm not constantly  tempted to check the internet .

 

 

Edited November 16, 2016 by The_Eye

[snowbear]

Moving temptation out of the way (taking the PC out of the bedroom) was a very sensible move. 

As it happens I can relate to your difficulty with procrastinating your composing because of a desire to craft the perfect composition. I'm a writer and have studied the craft of writing now for 5-6 years, but I judge my own work far more harshly than I judge anybody else's creations and can easily find 'flaws' that make me decide it's not good enough to be published. For a long time I thought this 'perfectionist thinking' was part of my OCD but then I got talking to my many writing friends and discovered they ALL suffer exactly the same symptoms. Including those of them who've published many books/stories/articles and have successful careers as writers.  

So if all creative people feel this pressure of self-judgement and perfectionist desire, why are you stuck and others aren't? 

The simple answer is the successful ones 'feel the fear and do it anyway'.

Write a lot of music. Some of it will be bad, some will be ok, some will be 'good enough'. 

The ONLY way to ever be able to create that elusive perfect piece is to practise creating. Create, create, create - good stuff, bad stuff, better stuff - you might one day write something perfect and beautiful, you might not. But unless you tackle the fear and start writing a lot of music chances are if you did write the perfect piece you'd not recognise its quality and would bin it.

I know you think you'll recognise 'good' if you write it, but you don't. Very few creative people know when they've made something exceptional - typically other people recognise a talent you simply can't see or can't accept in yourself. It's only by putting a lot of work out there that others get the chance to find that perfect piece among your average stuff and make it famous.

So, since that's the creative process for everybody on the planet. What's it got to do with OCD?

Possibly nothing. What I just described ins't an 'OCD thing'. 

But the management is exactly the same as for any OCD fear - exposure yourself to the thing you fear until the anxiety fades and get on with doing.

[The_Eye]

Thanks for your insight ! Oddly, I have written 4-5 short stories without any problems in the past, just for fun,

and because I wasn't expecting anything out of them, I could have fun writing, and no pressure at all.

Maybe you are right, I must expose myself again to the creation , and find the fun it doing it as it was in the beginning.

Let's see what happens.

[changemynametosomething]

i understand and believe that you have some problems of some sort, but i dont think this classifies as ocd, from what you are writing, i cant see any trades of ocd here, but i may be wrong, i dont know you or your situation to the fullest, so please dont take this the wrong way, and im sorry, if this actually is ocd..

 

[changemynametosomething]

the reason why im being a bit "harsh", (i could just ignore your post) is i get a bit angry when people who dont have ocd say they have it. and thats why i just blurted it out like that. but, like i said, i could be dead wrong here.

[The_Eye]

Don't worry, I'm not getting this wrong. My psychiatrist said I have OCD and Cyclothymia, I didn't come up with it. When I had OCD at its fullest, I had ruminating thoughts running in my head day and night, and to be specific my doc said 'you have OCD'  when I mentioned him that, on my job, I would have a strong desire to clean every tool I find and that I always need to have PERFECT hair and often check in the mirror.

Otoh, besides the music problem, I would classify the compulsion to search the internet as OCD, don't you think ?

 

BTW, I think I have explained myself better on this other board, if you want to read more.

 

http://ocpd.freeforums.org/obsessive-web-surfing-t6248.html

Edited November 17, 2016 by The_Eye

[changemynametosomething]

then im so sorry, i clearly was wrong!

Edited November 17, 2016 by ocdishell

[The_Eye]

Don't worry, I appreciated your feedback have a good day !