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Hello all.

I have been dealing with OCD for quite some years now. But recently a new topic started.

Last week i became a father for the frst time of a beautiful son. things have been going quite well considering my ocd and him. But 2 days ago something happned which triggerer m ocd quite hard.

I was changing his diaper. And also had to take his temperature. When taking his temp you have to insert it into his bum. Normally just once will do it, but somehow i was not sure of his real temp after measuring it, so i inserted it a second time, this time there was a diffrent temp measured, so i was confused which one is the good one? the first measurement or the second? So i did it a 3th time. This time his temp was pretty high. I became stressed out because i thought he might be getting a fever. And i just had to confirm it and insert once more. Now his temp was quite a bit lower.... Well just to be sure i did it one more time and this time his temp was the same as the last time. This gave me a feeling of calmness. No fever, so no calling the hospital (since newborn babies need to be taken to the hospital when having a fever).

In the end i think i measured his temp 5 times within 2 minutes or so. It was just because everytime it showed something else, and i was afraid he was getting a fever. (he already has a sweaty back and neck, so i knew his temp was higher then normal).

immediatly after the measurements i got the intrusion the i just molested my own son. I (penetrated) him 5 times. And i feel like a serious monster now... well actually i dont feel like a monster but i feel like ive done a monstreous thing... i know i dont feel attracted to babies or children, but i do feel i might have molested him and damaged him for life.

Im to afraid to take his temp now, so i just let my wife do it now.

Normally i would only do it once ore twice just to be sure. But now i did it 5 times.... did i traumatised my son for life???

Help please i dont know how to cope with this.

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I really understand the need to repeatedly check that something is ok. When my DD was little, I had a compulsion to keep checking she didn’t have meningitis if she had a rash - so much so that she began to offer to go  and get a glass for me every time I started to look at a rash, as she knew I’d start repeatedly checking it to make sure that it blanched. This was a wake up call to me that my ocd would start to affect her. I try to be really aware of this now. 

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Hi Ironborn, 

Congratulations on the birth of your son:) 

Can I make a suggestion? Try to get a handle now on how you're dealing with these intrusive thoughts around molesting your baby and being some sort of monster.

The more you give any credence to them by responding with compulsions the more of a stranglehold the OCD will take. Over the years I've been here I've seen parents slowly make small changes and accommodations here and there to the disorder until they reach a point where they can struggle to do even the most basic and normal things that come with being a parent. 

It's so important you try to get back on the horse so to speak and continue to do this again.....

On 30/12/2018 at 12:42, Ironborn said:

Im to afraid to take his temp now, so i just let my wife do it now.

Don't pass the responsibility to your wife. Essentially it's avoidance and a compulsion....allow the anxiety to rise (it will fall) and the thoughts to be there (they will fade) but please keep taking your son's temp. 

Make a firm stand today. Please don't let the disorder affect how you want to look after your son and the father you want to be to him.

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