If I think that X I will be responsible for Y

[bookworm30]

Hi

My 90 year old grandmother has been tested positive for covid-19, which she has picked up while in hospital recovering from hip surgery. I am livid at the government, because if they tested health care staff, she probably would not have caught it. 

She has currently got a mild case, although that doesn't ease my worry at all. The odds are, in many ways, against her - she is 90, she has a lot of underlying health conditions, she's frail - not mentally, though. Heck, she's one of the strongest women I know.

My OCD will not let me hope that she pulls through. It will not let me think that it's good that it's mild at the moment. It's telling me that, if I have hopeful thoughts that it's 'just' mild, she will get worse and die and that will be my responsibility. 

I cannot deal with this on top of my grandmother being unwell, and I cannot believe I am being selfish like this. But of course, now my worst fear has become reality (someone I love will get sick), my mind will find something else to panic about. 

My emotions are everywhere, I can't stop thinking I should have done something to protect her even though I don't live in the same town as her, and I don't know how to tolerate this anxiety. I can't talk about my OCD like this to my family, it is so incredibly selfish.

Sorry. I just needed a rant.

 

[BM94]

Hi Bookworm,

Very sorry to hear your grandmother has tested positive for the virus, it cannot be easy dealing with this as an OCD sufferer.

I think the important points to raise here are these:

Your thoughts cannot and will not ever be able to affect reality in any way, shape or form. Your OCD will latch onto ANYTHING it can to make you feel worse, worry so much more, and doubt the unimportance of your thoughts, those being "if I have these thoughts that it's just mild she will probably get worse" - that is simply OCD at work.

Ok so you live out of town. If you were in the same town, do you believe you could have done anything at all to prevent her from contracting the virus? No you definitely couldn't. Your OCD is toying with you making you believe that you being there would have prevented it. Its simply not the case.

The main point for me to make is to not blame yourself; dont let OCD bully you into thinking it's all your fault, because it's not. You have OCD and it feels like it's the most unfair disease in the entire world, that does not make you selfish for worrying about yourself as well.

Moving forward, you will worry about your Grandmother, you will be scared - that's normal. Try and stay positive for her knowing she is being cared for, as that is the best that can be done until she recovers.

I hope everything goes OK for you.

 

B

 

[bookworm30]

Thanks B. I have copied and pasted those points onto a note on my phone so that I can challenge that OCD bully. 

She's on day 6 of symptoms now. I know the nurses are looking after her so well, and I am so thankful for all that they are doing.