bookworm30

In usual times, my job involves a lot of public transport during the day and going in and out of people's houses and in and out of the office. Since mid-March, our office has been closed and I've been working from home. Obviously things will not really go back to 'normal', whatever that'll look like, when lockdown is slowly lifted. But all of this working from home has basically reassured the thoughts that the outside world is contaminated and dirty. The thought of eventually having to go back to usual terrifies me. If I cannot use public transport, mental health related or not, I cannot do my job. I don't drive. I also no longer cycle, since I was knocked off my bike by a careless driver a couple of years ago I'm too scared. The nature of my job means that I need to be able to get around. So, my OCD is telling me that I will need to find a new job that I can do that is safe, or I will spread covid-19 and be responsible for people dying. I enjoy my job; I work in the charity sector, for an organisation I really believe in, and I cannot imagine really working in anything else. My OCD is telling me none of that matters. I think the worst thing is that no one really knows what will happen, and so a lot of chat right now is speculation. Normally I would not engage in this sort of chat, because I know it's not healthy for me - this is my mind's reaction to this morning's team meeting. My colleagues wanted to know when things will get back to normal, as we all do, but no one knows the answer and the unknown causes a lot of anxiety. I've got used to the lockdown. I also have asthma which means I'm generally at a higher risk. Although my asthma isn't severe enough to go into the shielding group, I'm scared of things going back to normal without any kind of treatment or vaccine. I had flu in February and ended up on steroids due to my asthma flaring up. Initially, prior to lockdown, the advise was if you had an underlying health condition you self-isolate for 12 week - this was before they added the shielding group. I guess once lockdown is slowly lifted, vulnerable groups will be told to continue practicing social distancing. I hope that these guidelines will be clear. This is something I will discuss with my therapist, I know there is a lot of unknowns which do not help anxiety at all. Sorry that was a ramble.

I did a 2 year DBT programme when I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder in my early 20s (long story short, I do not have BPD, but the label got thrown in my face due to being young, female and engaging in certain behaviours - I don't believe in PD diagnosis, and subsequently because of this diagnosis my OCD was dismissed until 18 months ago). In terms of DBT, I suppose parts of it might be helpful for managing intrusive thoughts & obsessions and the anxiety that all of this brings, especially since it teaches mindfulness. DBT a whole won't help OCD because it's aimed at reducing self-harming behaviours, learning to manage suicidal crisis and learning how to regulate emotions & interpersonal skills. I've just started CBT for OCD, and I'm feeling pretty good about it. I think that mindfulness should be part of OCD treatment as well as exposure and reducing behaviours, though. I've been making sure I practice mindfulness religiously over the last few weeks. The thing with anxious thoughts is you cannot get rid of them, and you need to learn to just let them be. Trying to get rid of them just increases the distress, as does (so I'm learning) the compulsive behaviours. For years I wanted to know the 'why' for my anxiety, but I tried counselling and it just made me turn to alcohol. The why is not as important as learning to live with it all.

Hi BelAnna My gosh I could have written your post. I am also exhausted and completely overwhelmed. It's really interfering with productivity when I'm trying to WFH. My fears mostly are around responsibility and I find it really upsetting that 'anyone can spread covid-19' because my OCD leaped onto that and was like, see, all of this virus is your fault. I have only just had one session of therapy, so I can't offer any coping tips. I'm not really coping well. But you are not alone, and I hope knowing that helps. ?

I can "see" and "feel" germs. I'm convinced that covid-19 is in the flat. All because we had a delivery of stuff (no contact with delivery driver) for the pets, and I had to go and buy milk from the local shop round the corner. I've changed, had a shower, but I still don't feel clean. I have got rid of the packaging from the delivery. Still feel like the germs are all over the flat. The thoughts are telling me that I must rip up the carpet. I cannot do that - so I won't - but because I can't do that, I'm certain I'm going to make my partner sick with covid-19 and then he'll die and I could've stopped that from happening. I've washed my hands in bleach. I've disinfected all surfaces I've touched/the delivery touched. I need to wash the clothes I wore earlier on a high temperature to kill it all. I know that these behaviours are not 'normal'. I feel guilty already, because I'm certain my partner will get covid 19 because I'm not ripping up the carpet. Basically, I'm really scared and distressed and I cannot do this any more. I only had my first "meeting" over skype yesterday for cbt (I went for low cost private therapy, I cannot be waiting for help from the nhs anymore) and so I have no coping skills for this. What can I do to try and manage this? Thanks in advance. Sorry I'm really struggling with everything right now.

Hi Orwell I do all of these things but whether or not they should be done, or if they are OCD compulsions, I'm not sure. It's so confusing because my fears of contamination are suddenly very very real - as in there's an actual threat - and we are being told to be more careful about hygiene. I think that my OCD sees guidelines like that and sees it as it's time to shine - like it says to me, the guidelines are not enough you must do more. I've also been disinfecting the inside door handle and keys on days when no one has left the house. I know this has to be OCD, mostly because there is no rationale behind it. In fact all surfaces are getting disinfected more often than usual and I am making sure that if someone has been out to the shop, they get changed. Again, probably OCD. But I cannot stop these compulsions because if I do, then either myself or my partner will get sick and it'll be my fault. And I could never forgive myself if he got it. It's a weird time.

Hi Ian I can't offer any advice, but I want you to know you are not alone in this. I too have contamination based OCD - never treated, only recently reached out for help. It's become very hard for me to manage as well during the outbreak. My compulsive behaviours have got out of control and starting to impact on my partner as well, which is unfair, but I don't know how to stop it. The other day I made my partner get changed after he went food shopping because I was convinced that if I did not, he would get sick and it would be my fault. It's a very weird time. Our compulsions have suddenly become normalised and validated. I use Headspace which I find so helpful. Being compassionate with ourselves is also important - we are in the midst of a pandemic, after all. I try to stick to the 20 second hand washing limit, but don't always manage to. take care.

Thanks B. I have copied and pasted those points onto a note on my phone so that I can challenge that OCD bully. She's on day 6 of symptoms now. I know the nurses are looking after her so well, and I am so thankful for all that they are doing.

Hi My 90 year old grandmother has been tested positive for covid-19, which she has picked up while in hospital recovering from hip surgery. I am livid at the government, because if they tested health care staff, she probably would not have caught it. She has currently got a mild case, although that doesn't ease my worry at all. The odds are, in many ways, against her - she is 90, she has a lot of underlying health conditions, she's frail - not mentally, though. Heck, she's one of the strongest women I know. My OCD will not let me hope that she pulls through. It will not let me think that it's good that it's mild at the moment. It's telling me that, if I have hopeful thoughts that it's 'just' mild, she will get worse and die and that will be my responsibility. I cannot deal with this on top of my grandmother being unwell, and I cannot believe I am being selfish like this. But of course, now my worst fear has become reality (someone I love will get sick), my mind will find something else to panic about. My emotions are everywhere, I can't stop thinking I should have done something to protect her even though I don't live in the same town as her, and I don't know how to tolerate this anxiety. I can't talk about my OCD like this to my family, it is so incredibly selfish. Sorry. I just needed a rant.

When I'm really anxious like that I find yoga helpful, you can do some yoga stretches in bed as well. Yoga with Adriene on YouTube is a good place to start - she has a lot of gentle yoga and ones to do when you are feeling anxious. I also use headspace for mindfulness but there are other free apps out there for mindfulness like Insight Timer. Another thing which I find useful when I'm feeling overwhelmed and struggling to get started is to make a small to do list. I keep it small so that I can add to it, which is less stressful than having an enormous one where it will never end. And, a good guinea pig cuddle always helps ! I really hope some of these help you. Also, please remember it's a really weird time right now so please do be kind and gentle with yourself x

It's so lovely. So therapeutic. The "big smoke" is not the "big smoke" right now - the air smells cleaner and stars are clearer at night too.

I went out for a bit of a walk this morning and wow, the birds were singing so loudly. I live in London! Less planes to drown them out, I guess, and much less traffic. But it was a very lovely sound to hear. Nature goes on ?

I've always been an anxious person, and I have generalised anxiety disorder. The thing is, this is not a normal time for any of us and everyone's coping with it in their own way. We will all respond differently, and everyone's emotions will be all over the place. I work with vulnerable adults (in the third sector, so not statutory - thankfully able to WFH during this) and I've been saying to all my clients feeling overwhelmed is completely normal. I tell them to take it one day at a time and if that's too much, then take it one hour at a time (i'm also bad at following my own advice, LOL). If we start thinking about how long this will go on for it's going to easily lead to feeling hopeless, because the thing is no one knows how long it'll last. I'm thankful for my guinea pigs, because having a piggie on my lap is just so soothing especially now. Watching them carry on as normal, only caring about getting fed - something v therapeutic about that.

hi Cub. This is true. I live with my partner. We have a small one bedroom flat and no outside space. I also have asthma, so I think i should be extra careful even though the guidelines are confusing, as I'm not in the shielding group, but my ocd is in control anyway and i can't go outside. My work load has reduced, and I've actually got time to catch up on my professional development - really, I should not complain. I'm one of the lucky ones, I have a job still, and a job that I can do at home. what are you studying on futurelearn?

I'm working from home, have been for 2 weeks now but finding it so hard to adjust and focus. My work has suddenly gone from being quite active to suddenly sat at a desk all day. Still, I'm appreciating the lack of commute and getting to cuddle the guinea pigs while i work !! I'm find crochet really eases my anxiety when I feel overwhelmed.

I can't leave my house even for food, already feel extreme guilt that i've passed the virus on and I'm convinced I'm contaminated. I'm still working - from home - full time, and it's incredibly difficult for me to actually focus and function. I'm not being very productive and probably shouldn't be working. But I already recently had a couple of weeks signed off by my gp, and this did nothing to improve things. And work is a distraction, when I'm productive. Trying to stick to a structure and at least now I have a desk to work from, although i have to work in the living room - downside to living in a flat in london, with no garden. Feels incredibly claustrophobic. you are right, the world will get through this. Nature is continuing like normal, and that itself is a comfort.