Cub

Oh goodness, not giving into those compulsions is the hardest thing. For me, it's compulsive praying. If I can get through those first few seconds of not praying, then I've cracked it, but if not, well... My stomach has it worse; it can get all gurgly and cavern-like and that's a hard feeling to deal with; or I need to rush back to the toilet again! And yeah, I find myself absolutely needing to figure it out; more recently I'm telling myself 'no, it won't solve anything.' So there's some progress there, at least. So yeah, totally agree with you Ginger. Those few seconds are a huge challenge for the obsessive-compulsives. And thankyou for posting this; it's reminded me that I'm not on my own and is really encouraging too! C x

Hi Ginger Lovely to hear from you, how are you getting on? It is frustrating yes, but it does take a while to recover. I sometimes feel frustrated that I'm holding myself back, or being held back by my anxiety because it honestly feels as though I can't truly reach my full potential. It's days off that are the worst; rather than going forth and conquering the world, I get kind of stressed and shaky and I'm not sure what to do with myself. It's something I'm still dealing with, sadly as I lack a kind of order. I get so stressed out most of all; all it takes is for me to get crowded in or for a couple of people to talk to me at once and I will snap. I honestly can't say I feel very competent. I do wonder if I'll ever leave OCD behind because it's there in my head; for a long time people have said I need to give myself time but even now I feel a bit broken and a little not quite right and I wonder if that will ever change. I'm sorry to sound so negative; I do try my best but it's got harder as I've got older and I'm scared of living in my head too much and not living my best life. C x

Hi y'all Just wanted to check in. I have a rare Saturday off, so I'm relaxing and watching some ITV crime-drama. I've actually been doing quite well recently; my head's been very calm and work shifts have been passing quicker and in much nicer fashion because my head's been feeling like a 'safer' place to be. I'm able to calm myself down more, steer myself away from thoughts that make me feel anxious from the inside-out - tight-chest, gurgling stomach, etc - and feel a little less 'tight' if you will. So that's been nice. I went through a period where I struggled with work and my thoughts, so I'm going to keep plodding away with this and see how I get along. I have one or two frustrations but it's possible I may be pushing myself too much. My OCD gravitated around something years ago that I liked doing and now every time I try and think of that thing now, I get anxious; it's its own anxiety trigger. I try and make that thing 'work' in my head but it becomes a compulsion - which is very annoying and frustrating because I feel as though I've lost something and I'm forever reaching out, trying to get it back. I go over and over the thing obsessively in my head; except now I'm better at thinking about other things which steer me gently away and back from the issue. I then notice the positive effects; my breathing returns to normal, my chest loosens. I may have mentioned this before but I made a list entitled Things I've Learned With Anxiety - one of the key things was compulsive praying. By all means pray if it helps you feel closer to the God you believe in, but it's not going to cure the situation you're currently in. I think I partly pray for help a lot because I find it can be so hard to talk about the things in my head as I worry people will think me mad and no matter how much I try, I can't articulate it properly; it's very specific and it requires a great deal of articulation. I worry I've alienated people with my worries and feel rather ridiculous. Someone said to me a short time ago: 'they're not ridiculous if they're bothering you' and I suppose they are; I just don't feel 'quite right' and feel as though there are things slanted out of my reach I'm maybe trying too hard to get back. It feels like an obsession and a compulsion; I think to myself 'right, I won't let that thing bother me anymore, I shall focus on what I've got,' and then next day my brain's all, 'actually, maybe we could try this.' So it's a little frustrating; that something I loved has become so tightly tied up with the OCD to the point where it affects my day-to-day life. It was a very important thing to me and I don't know if I'm 'allowed' to have it anymore; if I'm forbidden by God to like it. That said, I'm proud of the progress I have made; remembering to breathe and distracting myself. I suppose that's because I've found other enjoyable things to distract me. I wish it wasn't so much about the 'things' but me myself; my passions have a lot to do with how I'm feeling and often present themselves as a help and a distraction. It makes me wonder if I'm not helping or distracting myself enough. But I have noticed improvements; work's become more enjoyable again, I'm more pro-active and productive and the hours just whizz by. I felt trapped in my work for a while but now it feels better. I hope I can carry on with that. Thanks for putting up with this blather. I feel like such a weirdo with all this and wonder if I'm slightly unhinged, so thankyou for the safe space where I can talk about it. C x

Nellie, I honestly want to high-five you for this because you express yourself really well; so many could relate to what you're saying. I know I can and I think there's many who could. You clearly recognise the issue and you're doing your best. It's taken a long time for me to realise that we can't be perfect, but I got there eventually; it's something we can keep mulling over and I often ruminate over whether or not I'm going enough. So I do understand. You should be proud of yourself for how you're currently doing because you're aware and you're keeping up the good fight. Keep it up. C x

Hi Taurean Thankyou for your kind reply. I was worried about being ridiculed for my fears and it was nice to read such a lovely message. I've been working all week so didn't have a chance to sit down and write a proper reply until right now. I realise we're not to blame for our thoughts and feelings but I've been kicking myself for such a long time. People have been telling me for a long time I've been putting pressure on myself and I've been hearing it more recently. I guess I've thought I've always had to be really 'good' for God and felt I had to punish myself if I did something I perceived as wrong. It's no-one's fault; I came late to the church but in everything else in life - school, work, socialisation - I've been raised to give it 110% so tried to give religion the same. It's been a confusing and rather unpleasant journey. I guess because religion means a lot to me but punishing myself according to God seemed like the way to go; the only way to be a good Christian. I ought to read this book you mentioned. It feels like I worried my 20s away. That said, our 20s are a challenging time full of expectation, uncertainty and change and I did lose my Mum along the way, so that was always going to darken things. I'll try and self-love and self-forgive. Thankyou. C x

Hi Saz I'm sorry you're having a rough time of it; it's not uncommon for OCD to flare up in times of stress and you sound very stressed. My advice is, please don't be too hard on yourself. I know you must be in a lot of mental anguish right now but I promise you it's going to be okay. Just take it easy, be kind with yourself while navigating the split and remember that OCD does come back to us during rough times. We all make mistakes and do things we're not proud of; don't beat yourself up for that or for mistakes you made while you were intoxicated. C x

I think a tip post on how to physically stop compulsions would be very useful. I right now am having compulsions over certain ideas I want to write; they don't feel 'real' in my head, they feel forced, so I focus on the ideas that I would like to write, just for myself. Anyway, that's another story. But yes, I would fully encourage such a post and we could all chip in with our own ideas. Glad you're okay. C x

My sincere apologies, Taurean, if I have hurt your feelings or caused you any offence. You're a kind man and you always take the time to make good responses. This was a useful post for everyone's general reference, I totally get that and none of that was aimed at you. Perhaps this was an inappropriate platform for me to make the comment - I stand by it but this was probably a bad time and method to broadcast it. I do agree that we have to feel the fear and do it anyway but it can take a bit of time - I should know! I often see it as jumping over a lake and landing on the other side. It's just finding the courage to make the jump that can be difficult and it's okay not to make the jump on the first go. Thankyou for taking the time to write this post and for putting it on here. I am sure it will prove useful. C x

I too agree with Ashley; apologies Taurean, I'm not trying to dispel what you're saying here because you are absolutely right and this is just an outline, this isn't you just telling someone specifically not to carry them out. But I would really like it if, when we're responding to people's posts, we don't just bark at them 'stop performing compulsions.' There are a few people who do this and it's unkind and unhelpful and makes that sufferer feel they're not being listened to; they're being spoken at and I don't like it and I feel it's going against the grain of what we're supposed to be doing here. We need to give them some ideas on how: breathing exercises, or distraction, doing something they enjoy. Maybe suggest a few things of their own which help them in distraction; for me it's chatting to someone and asking how they're doing, or going to the gym, or even just going outside for a walk. Sometimes I manage to brainstorm myself away from the compulsion. But yes, I do agree Taurean and I thank you for writing this post, as it will helpfully hope those still struggling to understand a little bit more.

Hi y'all It's my last day off for eight days, so here I am, making the most of a lie-in. I'm also really struggling with my feelings. The last month I've been dealing with old OCD themes and it's been popping up at work, exacerbated by the fact that I've been put on shifts with not a great deal to do. My brain has been running over the same thing, over and over again and I've been stressed out. The crux of the issue is this: although I'm not a devout Christian, I still worry about my relationship with God and I've been into some pretty unconventional things that have caused me to worry - nothing harmful, just things that perhaps your average run-of-the-Mill Christian might not be into. Anyway, I've spent a long time worrying about this. I made peace with the fact - pressed by my first psychologist, who is a Christian theologist - that I shouldn't be too rigid and it's good to be naughty, which is something pressed further by my darling late Nan, who was a Catholic and who was always quite cheeky! But I've always struggled with how much is too much and wanting to set myself a line. Now, at work, I've discovered that two of my Christian colleagues are into the same thing; unafraid, unashamed, matter-of-fact. They believe in God and I've had conversations with them about it and it was just so...'what the heck.' I've spent most of my twenties worrying and they're fine with it. I know, I have OCD and that makes a difference but I'm just struggling to digest and feeling so guilty over the things I've done to myself; like I've made a fool of myself and over the bad thoughts I've had. I just worry about everything and it's getting to the point where my colleagues are starting to notice - my friend and manager spoke to me the other day, asking if I was okay because I've seemed stressed. But I've always been stressed, right from when I was a little girl. It sounds stupid, maybe, but I can't help thinking it's not fair. Why is it so easy for everybody else? Why does everyone else get to worry about the ordinary things while I worry about the things inside my head which aren't really a problem? Why can't I stop worrying for one minute over the small stuff? Why is everyone else carefree while I have this weight on my shoulders? I just feel like a complete moron. Why do I do this to myself? C x

Thanks Taurean Unfortunately, fast-forward to today and I'm not doing too well. I'm legit dreading tonight and just want to get it over and done with but I know I can't just not go. I get it, it is a good exposure and I realise that it will be beneficial to go rather than avoid but I guess I feel afraid. Of what, I'm not sure; just scared of letting her down, scared of where my thoughts will go. Even though I know it's just a thought. All I know if I feel anxious and withdrawn and I kinda want to cry. Which is, you know. Not good. I feel so silly for feeling like this. I know it's up to me and OCD is not my fault but I'm just scared. And yet I must go forth and try. One period at a time, shift by shift. Thanks for the logic and encouragement, C x

Thankyou very much for that, Taurean; I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels like this. I'm also doing my best to treat the temper thing as OCD. Again, while this box is open, there's also something else that's come around. I've been invited out to dinner tomorrow evening and a fellow guest is a friend whom I haven't seen for a time. You'd think I'd be excited and happy to see her, and I am looking forward to a catch-up but I'm also scared; I had a very confusing infatuation for this friend not too long ago which caused my OCD to go wild; I was scared of having bad thoughts about her and sadly she herself became a trigger for my OCD because I was terrified of having thoughts about harming her whenever I saw her and couldn't always engage with what she was saying. I was worried to talk to her or even look at her - that, and she always made me ever so nervous because I felt so exposed and gabbled like an idiot. She was very kind to me regarding the OCD business and I appreciated her support but I'm worried I'll make her feel uncomfortable, or scare her, or make a fool out of myself. I know, they're only thoughts. I'm just scared and excited about seeing her again and am worried about having a relapse - which I don't want to happen in front of her as she might think I'm being attention-seeking or she'll figure out she's the trigger. Also, I'm now feeling very uncharacteristically paranoid about what to wear... I suppose it'll be a bit strange because being with these people will be a reminder of a time in my life when I wasn't particularly happy, my job in Wales, feelings of not fitting in, of feeling invisible. It chalks back up every now and then and I'm worried it'll trigger me tomorrow. I've been so much happier with my life and don't really want to be surrounded by feelings from the old days. We shall see; it's helped that I've written this down, now. I really just want to get some sleep. C x

It will be a good exposure. Maybe explain to your Mum that you're struggling (possibly as a result of all this stress with your Dad?) and things might seem a bit strange for you. Don't feel alone; it's good to reach out for support and help and you're doing a good thing here. C x

Hello everybody Thanks for all these kind words. Taurean, I appreciate your practical advice and your empathy; I am doing my best to remember that we all make mistakes and I'm remembering more than ever. Leif, thankyou for the kind words and the encouragement and for letting me know I'm not alone and DKSea, thankyou for the awesome quotation. You guys are brilliant. While I have this box open - might as well, while it's here! - I'm worrying about my temper. I've mentioned it before but I get so stressed out so much and I think it's obvious in my face because I always seem to be frowning. I seem to be worrying about the past, even making things up to get cross about, as if predicting situations and how I could react, worrying about the future and how my anger might manifest itself. In particular, I worry so much about hurting people and hurting my nieces; if they make me cross, if I lose my temper, what if I hurt them and upset them? It sounds stupid but I just worry about it and I don't want to do that. I don't know how to stop stressing - people say to me that I worry too much but I don't know how else to be. I don't want to hurt anybody and I don't want to hurt myself but I'm terrible at staying calm. It takes a lot of effort and it's holding me back at work; due to my stress-levels kicking off easily, I've not been able to go onto training for more advanced, specific roles as they don't think I'll be able to cope with the organisational side due to my anxiety and while I understand I'm not ready, it hurts to see other people going in over me and being able to do what I can't. Anyway, that's that for today. Ta-ta for now and thanks again, all. C x

Hi there, Oh dear, you do sound like you're having a rough time of it. It's very difficult when you're balancing all these different things and you can't just focus on yourself. The good thing is, you're reaching out for help and you're asking for a hand. That's a terrific and very brave thing to do. First things first; have you been to the doctor? Do you have a support network in place of family and friends who can be there on the ground to help you, as it were? You mention that you're grieving; I'm very sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to grieve when you're mourning a loved one. Three years ago, I was coping with the then-recent first anniversary of my mother's passing, my OCD was sky-high, I was struggling with a confusing infatuation for a friend and kept having terrible thoughts around it. Even worse, I didn't have my Mum to talk to anymore and I missed her so deeply because she would have known what to say; it was a very distressing situation. I came very close to breaking down at work where and it took so much to keep going; I came that close to ending it and called my Dad instead. He ended up being the support that I needed and he looked after me; we were calling each other most days and he came to see me and took me to the beach and for a nice meal at his hotel. It sounds like you could do with some spoiling too, and a big hug. I know you already have CBT coming and that will be a great help. Just keep holding on until then; day by day, shift by shift. I'm sorry you find it hard to eat and I know what it feels like to cry all the time. Just keep drinking lots of water to stay hydrated, have a little chocolate and even if you can't sleep, try and rest when you can. Don't force yourself out of this all at once; go day by day and know you are not alone in this; we've all been there and we are all here for you. I'm going to ask you now to be kind to yourself and just keep focused on that CBT. I've also called the Samaritans before when I needed someone in the middle of the night. Obviously - and I'm not suggesting you would do this, it's just something that I feel needs to be mentioned given the issues surrounding OCD and what it can do to us - calling them to involve them in a reassurance cycle is unadvised, but if you need to just talk, offload about your problems, they will be there and they won't judge, and they're kind. And we're all here too. Lots of hugs for you. C x