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Cub

Bulletin Board User
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About Cub

  • Birthday June 23

Previous Fields

  • OCD Status
    Sufferer
  • Type of OCD
    Religious

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    Somewhere in the West
  • Interests
    Poetry; reading; writing; Doctor Who; Sherlock; Glee; Darren Criss from Glee; spirituality

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3,128 profile views
  1. Hi - thanks for that! And yes, isn't it amazing? It's my go-to happy place because it's just funny. And yes, I was aware of the Christian boycott, which I thought was silly. I certainly don't wish to stop watching but my OCD's been holding me off getting more involved. I'm trying this exposure thing - one step at a time. I know it's intended as playful and it's fiction but sadly my OCD is being cowish. I feel like I'm overcomplicating things: reading the book made me very uncomfortable, you see. I guess because it's about heaven and hell - things my OCD has personally dogged me with over the years, that whole thing of 'if you have this thought you'll go to hell.' So perhaps one can consider this a relapse. I certainly don't wish to give up the show and realise there's no need; I guess I just have to do what feels comfortable. And thankyou, too, Ginger. I guess we can consider this an exposure exercise. C x
  2. Hi Ginger That does make sense, thankyou. Exposure therapy, yes? I know compulsions don't help and I'm trying to resist them. I am doing a lot of self-reassuring about this and recognising the old mental cycles. It's really rather annoying; trying to convince myself everything is Just Fine. Thanks C x
  3. Hi guys Okay, brace yourself for this one. I'm feeling so stupid because I'm suffering OCD and doubt. I don't know how many of you are watching the new Good Omens with Michael Sheen and David Tennant but I have been watching it and enjoying it. However, I am dealing with extreme anxiety as every time I try and get involved in the fandom, I fear I'm being blasphemous and committing the unforgivable sin by pertaining to David Tennant's character as he is a fallen angel and I just can't shake off the feeling I'm doing something wrong. I know I just have to sit with the anxiety as best I can and God understands my heart but I just get so twisted up. I'm sick of getting like this all the time over my interests. I just want to enjoy myself. I'm going to a concert right now with my stepmum and I'm just not in the zone and feeling generally wound up. It feels like when I was 17 again and afraid. I know this sounds ridiculous; I've been discussing it with different people and I'm trying not to take it seriously. I can't bear the anxiety and just want to settle and enjoy today. Thanks for reading this C x
  4. Hello everyone Greetings once again from the merry compulsive prayer-maker of OCD Airways. I would like to take this opportunity to thank you all for the support given over the last few weeks. I had my birthday over the weekend and got a lot of chocolate (like, a lot, prepare to judge me) but on the other hand, I've been making improvements to my physical health. My anxiety is inevitably linked with diet and I haven't had fast food for a month! It feels like it's made a difference to my body and mood, so that's something. Anyway, let us cut to the chase. I can't recall if I've mentioned this before, so apologies if I'm repeating myself. I'm praying compulsively a lot right now and dealing with feelings of shame over different things; dealing with 'bad thoughts' and whatnot (although to be fair, I think my period's due; it would explain the crankiness and the mood-swings); I can't seem to deal with 'bad images' as well as before and feel I need to answer for them somehow, even though I know God knows what I mean. Other things that have been bothering me are real-life issues; again, prepare to judge. The first issue is me worrying I'm not being kind enough; there's a young girl at my workplace with a signficant disability that can impact on her day-to-day work performance and I've been feeling terrible because for some reason, she annoys me. I don't know why. I actually brought this up with my therapist last year; she advised me not to give out mixed messages. All I can say is that I feel irritated by this girl and was worried I was being prejudiced because of her disability, which made me feel terrible and I ended up repeatedly compulsively praying to be 'nicer' and 'better' and 'kinder' - but every time I interacted with her there was no improvement in my own feelings, which in turn led to more praying. I dunno - I guess praying gives me a sense of control, like I'm doing something about it, like I'm acknowledging what I perceive to be my faults and trying to improve. A little like hurting yourself as a punishment, I guess. It's been bothering me for weeks; it reached a head following a friend's birthday drinks last week to which this girl was invited - I thought 'oh no,' when I found out she was going to be there and although I did my best to be friendly and polite, found myself reaching a personal limit after a while and tried to minimise my interaction with her, growing irritated when she invited herself into my private conversation/catch-up with a friend whom I hadn't seen for weeks and being a bit too close physically. I know, I sound absolutely terrible and it's been making me feel really bad and going around in circles in my head. Then there are smaller things. I love online fandom life; Twitter, Tumblr, all that sort of thing and I love to write fanfiction. Recently, the net's gone crazy for the show Good Omens, which is based on the book by Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman. I found the book hard to read due to the references to Satanism (Good Omens is a satirical look at the battle between Heaven and Hell to bring about the end of the world) but I loved the show on Amazon Prime and it's made me really happy; my happy place! But I don't know how much I'm allowed to enjoy it because of the key relationship between the two main protoganists, Aziraphale, an angel, and Crowley, a demon; they are basically portrayed as husbands, pretty much confirmed to be a couple and people love to write and draw them together. I'd really like to join in but don't know if it's 'allowed' simply because of Crowley being a demon/fallen and feeling a little uncomfortable; I wondered if I was committing some sort of sin. I know Good Omens isn't to be taken seriously and I'm learning not to be so rigid as it's just a show, just a story and just a bit of fun but again: compulsive praying. OCD has pressed down on my fandom life for long enough and I want to have some fun and enjoy myself; I'm learning not to take things so seriously generally. At the same time though, I find myself worried I'm becoming a 'bad person' and that I don't have any of the conscience or any of the limits from before; I find myself desperately praying to God to make me 'good' and again it's been happening a lot because I'm worried about becoming 'bad.' I know, there's no definition of 'good' and 'bad'; I guess I've just been thinking in shades of black and white for so long and now I'm getting older, I'm thinking, 'Eh...' and not taking things so seriously? But I do want to have my own limits to live by; just without being repressive. Anyway, just wanted to get all that out and seek some advice and comfort. I really don't know how well I'm doing at the moment and if I'm ever going to get a handle on this thing again. Thanks for reading, C x
  5. Thanks, taurean My manager suggested mindfulness actually. It does come in handy! The rumination is the thing that needs to be batted down as it's a terrible waste of mental, physical and emotional energy. Thanks once more for your time. C x
  6. Thankyou Malina and Taurean I've been working on just being in the moment the past few days and things feel a bit better. I've been making a point of Not Ruminating with the reminder to myself it doesn't help anything, and won't change the past and also using rational thinking. I feel a little less twitchy, I suppose? I'm just enjoying moment by moment and not pushing myself too hard. Only trouble is I'm on a diet and it makes me very hungry! Your advice and support is much appreciated. Thankyou in particular Malina for telling me to focus on the OCD; that means a lot. My head feels a bit calmer right now and it feels like I've been having a bit of a break, so that's nice. C x
  7. Hi Tom On pretending to be okay and wondering if you're going to worry your parents; I can tell you now, many parents can be surprised at things their children tell them because they weren't expecting it. Part of mental health is figuring out how to hide it so others are not worried or suspicious so to that end, the revelation of what's really been happening can be a shock. Talking to your grandma would be a good idea; she might be able to help you explain to your parents, if that's what you feel most comfortable with. But don't be afraid not to tell them either. As my dad told me the other day - you never stop worrying about your children. They're there to love and support you. You're welcome for the response; your story just resonated with me and I want to give you a massive hug because heck yes, I got it. Got your back, bro. C x
  8. Wow, taurean, I'm impressed by that bit about you starting work far away with not a lot of possessions. Well done you. I'm actually really proud of myself for how I've done today; I had the day off and I've just Been. I just sat with the thoughts and let them come through and did my best not to engage; it wasn't perfect, but it was okay. I didn't do the things I was going to do - the gym, specifically - but I had a nice hot bubble bath and watched some of Good Omens (which I recommend for those who need distraction; I felt uncomfortable reading the book and it was a bit tedious, but I like the show) and although I'm budgeting a fair bit, I was able to buy milk and biscuits and apples. Cookies and apples go very well together, I find. So I feel proud for slowing things down, for being and for reminding myself that no amount of rumination is going to change things. It does make things worse in the long-term. Guess I've always just been a worrier. The 'trying to be perfect' angle is something to keep in mind, from both angles; not trying to be perfect in yourself, but also not trying to create the absolutely perfect life. In times like that, I think of the series Poldark when Ross, the hero of the story, has moments of feeling torn between his wife Demelza, or his lost love Elizabeth; he loves both but also needs to learn to cherish what's in front of him and not keep reaching for the impossible, of what's lost. I think I tend to do that a lot; I spread myself too thin and try and check that I can do everything, even if some stuff is just beyond me, my limits, my conscience.My OCD often comes in the form of 'wait, is it okay to do this?' and go around in circles with it; that's how it goes these days. I have to learn to just be with what I've got. Not ruminating is a hard thing but it can be done as I proved today. I guess also when I talk about these things, I want to hope it'll have cured everything but of course it doesn't. Sometimes I look back and see how far I've come. I'm just frustrated that my twenties have been spent slightly underheel with the OCD and dealing with wider anxiety and depression, which made me feel like a failure. But then it's like that for a lot of people, relapses happen and we can't wrap it all up in a nice box. Everybody has issues and I did lose my Mum into the bargain, not to mention the usual uncertainties that come with being a twenty-something these days; finance, jobs, moving out. I think I'm allowed to go 70% rather than 110%, although I intend to do my best. I went to a chat over the weekend with Matt Haig, the author who talks about mental health and he concluded his talk with 'just be, just beach.' I also chatted to him about dealing with my own suicidal urges and he was really nice about it. I read somewhere when tackling with suicidal thoughts that you shouldn't worry about the future, just today. So although I worry sometimes that I'll never get better, because I've spent the last few years going around in circles worrying about the same stuff against the stress of modern life, at least I'm taking it one day at a time and I've made some progress; made the realisation that I've been rather unkind to myself, cruel even and setting myself to impossible standards. And that's something. Thanks for the support, guys. I'm out of the suicidal zone now and I'm in the moment and it's an okay day. Sometimes on a day off I worry about what I'm going to do with the time but today I'm with the time, in the moment and I'm still alive. This turned into a long post but thankyou all once again for taking the time to respond. I am aware I should engage more with others on the forum. C x
  9. Hello there, Tom, welcome to the forum. I see this is your first post. I am so sorry that you're finding things difficult; it sounds like you're under a tremendous amount of pressure from the thoughts in your head and of course with the demands of college and growing up, at such a stage in your life, it truly is incredibly difficult to cope with it all. I was 17 when my OCD kicked off and very unhappy; I couldn't concentrate in class and once nearly threw up in the middle of a history lesson because I was afraid that God wouldn't love me anymore; I was suffering blasphemous thoughts, you see. I used to come home for lunch and cry and pray on the bed, or cry during study sessions; I just couldn't cope and once, walking into college, thought quite calmly about throwing myself in front of a car. I recall finding complete distraction with a hot bath, or an episode of Hollyoaks or Doctor Who - those specifically, I recall. I still get a lot of memories of that time whenever I watch Doctor Who Series 3. The important thing is that you have reached out and asked for help and I promise you that being here will help tremendously; it certainly helped me. Have you spoken to your parents and your GP? I promise you that speaking about it will help; you can even show them this website if you like and it will help them to understand what's going on in your head? Do speak to them; we're all here and have your back if they require further information. You are being incredibly brave right now and from one sufferer to another I am truly proud of you for talking. I hope you feel a little bit better for having got all that out, although of course it's no cure. Have you had a little look around the website for information that could assist you and help you understand some of your own problems? If it's any consolation, I still get irritable (though that may be partly to working in customer service, ha!) and I still jump at loud noises if I'm lost in my head; I tend to withdraw from people and the stomach aches are terrible. Recently a report revealed that children say 'My tummy hurts' when they have anxiety but of course they're too young to make the connection in their own heads. But I promise you, you are not going crazy; you're just suffering distress in your mind, the same you would suffer distress of the body if you banged your head or broke your leg. You're just hurting a lot on the inside. The next thing you need to do is have a talk with your parents, or someone you trust. Do you think you might be able to do that this weekend? Sit them down, explain that there's something very important you need to tell them and just tell them everything you've told us. You can also have this website on access on your phone if you'd like to show them more. It's going to be alright, sweetheart. We're all here for you. C x
  10. That's really valuable advice, Malina, thankyou. I know no life is truly happy; I'm just so sick of feeling anxious all the time and so twitchy; blanking out and feeling alone with my thoughts, being lost in them. It makes me feel alone and I can't help thinking it's stopping me getting close to people. That said, when it comes to feelings of anxiety, I'm doing my best to sit with them and just be with them. Just allow them to be there and not respond. I know we all have problems at the end of the day, and all of mine are pretty much internal. It often feels like there's a lot of energy happening beneath the surface, a lot of fuel and pumping gears going on. I'm not entirely sure how good I'm proving at managing it right now, but I'm trying. Trouble is, after a while all the trying gets me down and I don't know how to get myself onto a happier plain. I'm doing my best; at work yesterday I managed to just sit with the thoughts but my mind was active all day and it was so tiring. I genuinely am wondering if this job is mentally good for me anymore and if I should go for something that keeps me busy. My lot can be quite frustrating; I just want to feel happy, but I feel lost. But I guess I need to accept what I have, that I can't change the past and no amount of rumination will help. I just want to exist fully in the present; I can't seem to stop worrying and can't seem to let go. It appears to take a great deal of effort. Oh, well. For the moment I'm working on being. I'm also writing up a gratitude list for general purposes - not as a compulsion, just as a little reminder for myself because I seem to be looking at the glass half-empty. I'm just scared of becoming like people I've known, who have been dogged by anxiety and have become over-burdened and unhappy in their later years; the trouble is I'm so used to worrying and if I'm not, things feel off. Like I have to have something to mull over, but that's no way to live. I just wish I knew how to give myself a break and let go of the past; I keep doing 'quick checks/just in case' ruminations, just to check I have got everything right, that there's nothing I've missed and nothing I have left to do, that I need to do. That I've done everything I possibly can to try. *sigh* It's all rather difficult. I'm sorry to sound so negative; thankyou for your kind advice and for giving me something to think on and for putting up with me. C x
  11. Hi Malina Thankyou for those kind words. I don't have a therapist, having finished therapy in December. I am aware I need to take myself out of myself. I know I think about how I feel a lot - something my Dad has mentioned - but I don't know how to stop. It's like layer after layer after layer piling up. I just want to feel normal again, feel happy and know that I'm not wasting time worrying about the wrong things. That I'm living and not letting silly things hold me back. It seems so easy for everyone else; I don't want to miss out on anything but feel I kind of am. But perhaps there is some pressure there to try and make myself feel normal and unafraid of silly things; to try and fix myself and hasten myself to the finish-line so I can feel better. I know we all have limits but I'm trying to figure out what those are. I just don't know how to stop thinking and the more I try, the worse it gets and the guiltier I feel. I try and make myself do things to feel the fear etc but it just makes me worse and feels like too much; too much pressure to make myself better. Thankyou for the encouragement. I know I need to get on with things but must confess I'm rather dreading the rest of the week. C x
  12. Hi y'all Posting because I've had a Very Bad Day(TM). My brain is very sore and I can't pretend I'm not about to fall asleep because I'm exhausted and my head feels as though it's been spinning in neutral with nowhere to go. I've just come back from a week away and it was lovely but now I've returned to regular life and I'm just not happy. I tried to be brave today and put some new strategies into place but I failed drastically and it feels as though I'm falling further and further away from myself, grasping at straws. I don't know how to make this better. I feel so incredibly stupid about my doubts and fears, which are very specific to me and which I can't even explain properly without it all sounding very confusing and tedious to somebody else. I know that in the world of OCD, all sorts of things could be classified as irrational but I feel as though I've let everybody down: my psychologist who helped me all those years ago, my Dad, both my brothers and I feel like the faller; like I need to be written off because I'm such an embarrassment and a burden to all of them and they've had to deal with all this before, comfort me before, spend money on therapy for me before and I just don't know how much more of this I can put them through, if I can even share it, if my psychologist would find any reason to be proud of me years on. I've broken down a few times over the years and the struggle against my OCD has become harder and harder. I found myself wanting to cry at work and wanting to end it all today because I am just so sick of feeling like this. I don't even know how to explain the thought processes; other than my thoughts seem to 'go back on themselves' and I go around in circles with them and it's like the black dog is digging up my brain from the inside because I'm looking for answers and can't find them. Like I'm reaching deeply inside myself to find something; the equivalent of digging for a hair with the tweezers. I hurt all over and I just want to sleep. I honestly don't know how to explain it at all; it's just this constant cycle of thoughts in my head that I can't leave alone, or maybe won't leave alone, or just don't know how to leave alone, and I feel restless and trapped and don't know what to do with it. I'm even considering leaving my job because I don't feel like it's the best place mentally for me; it can be very unchallenging and involves a lot of standing around and some days can be more productive than others. But would it be better or worse to leave? Would it make things worse? I don't want to stay here longterm and I'm not really making much of an impression; I haven't been able to develop due to my anxiety and take on additional roles and it makes me feel rubbish. I don't know how to stop the cycle; I tried today, I really did, but I just couldn't do it and feel like I crashed and burnt. I just don't know how much longer I can carry on with this and I don't know how to make my head right, or how to make myself right; I'm obsessed with making this one thing work and every time I try and focus on something else, I come back to that one thing and it's something I used to enjoy that I'm now uncertain about, that I don't know is allowed or not and the more I wonder, the more I try to prove to myself that it's okay and that if I can prove it's okay, then I'll be okay again; so I'm constantly obsessing over 'how' to make it work and blaming myself for not being able to. Like a kid trying to clue parts of a model together that won't quite fit. I know it sounds so stupid but I can't let it go and every time I try it just comes back to me even when I'm trying to focus on other things. I just don't want to live like this, trying to set everything in my head right while life is passing me by. It occurs to me that I'll look back and think that I wasted my twenties worrying about silly things and I've already lost so much time. I just don't think I can run from this; maybe it's not OCD, maybe it's something I need to face that I am running from and need to make better? I've been trying to feel the fear and do it anyway but it just stresses me out and makes things harder. I just want to live my life and be happy but I feel trapped; I keep trying to do things that I want to do but it just stresses me out because I feel it's 'not allowed' and it leaves me so confused and wanting to die. I don't know what to do anymore or how to get out of this; I feel tightly bound by my thoughts. Thanks for reading, C x
  13. That's actually really helpful, Malina, thankyou! I think you're right about the pressure for both enjoyment and productivity; it seeps into every corner of my life. I'm really trying not to pressurise myself but it truly is incredibly difficult to just switch off; it's like I'm determined to enjoy myself. I think I need to learn to bear with it a bit more. I shall try that on my next day off. I hope you enjoy your break; I'm sure it's well-deserved. Thankyou again. C x
  14. Hi y'all I've just come back from a really nice week away with my dad and stepmum; we were camping and at a festival, so it's all been good. Today, I had the day off ahead of going back to work tomorrow and I'm just...feeling a little unsettled in my own skin. This is a difficult one to explain, but I seem to struggle generally on days off. I don't think I'm entirely happy. It's not that I'm lonely, exactly because I like time alone but more that I'm wary to be alone because I always have to be doing something. I'm particularly worried because I can often feel stuck in limbo and my whole body strains with it; it's like I'm on the alert, not relaxed. I think of a hundred things to do at once, or I can't think of anything to do at all. I feel the strain so much and it's like I would rather be worrying about something. It feels like more work not to worry than to worry. I guess at least when I'm worrying, I have something occupying my mind. And that makes me feel terrible. I'm lucky to have the life I have but it's like I want stuff to be wrong so I have stuff to worry about. And I don't, I really don't, but I'm just struggling with this feeling so much. I don't want to waste my life worrying but I can't seem to treasure the times when things are fine. I feel so bad for the times in my twenties when I worried too much. The festival this week has given me a chance to think about my day-to-day existence; I'm not entirely happy with my life (I know, no-one is, really and the grass is always greener etc.) and I'm worried about how I spend my spare time because I just seem to exist and slump. I tried to shake it up today but I just wound up with this same feeling. It's like my brain is straining to stay occupied and it just tires me out. What will it take for me to relax? I also went to a valuable talk about mental health and I'm trying to apply what we were told to my everyday life. I'm just finding everything so hard and I find myself strangely reluctant to go back to work tomorrow. Can anyone help me with this? I'm really struggling to cope with this and I don't like it. I don't want to do this to myself anymore. I'm tired of hurting myself with worries and wasting precious brain fuel and energy on problems that don't exist. I'm just so tired of my brain being like this at all; tired of feeling unsettled, of not belonging anywhere, of losing people, of trying too hard to enjoy a day and crashing and burning with that determination. I just genuinely don't know how to relax without feeling depressed but I'm tired all the time and I can't chill. I don't know what to do. C x
  15. Thanks guys Unfortunately it's just got worse. My mind's completely gone; I woke up at three with my mind stuffed full and have just spent the past three hours thinking I'd be better off dead. I'm dealing with blasphemous thoughts that are making me feel guilty. I'm crying and wondering if I should call in sick as am exhausted and supposed to be doing speeches today. I feel so fat and ugly and like I'm a complete maniac who doesn't want to get better; I feel like I did this to myself. Should I stay home or go in for some distraction? I'm worried if I stay home I'll be alone with my thoughts and make it worse but if I go, I might not be able to do my job properly. C
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