Cub

Hi guys Happy New Year. Sorry not to have been around for a long time and thankyou for your responses. I'm really not okay at the moment - I'm feeling very depressed and sad and don't want to do anything. I'm almost afraid to go back to counselling because I'm scared of being judged for leaving it so long and I'm also scared it might not be the right help. But I feel as though I've had all the help under the sun I could possibly get; so many psychologists, therapists and counsellors and I'm on antidepressants for the third time. This feels like all my fault and like I don't deserve to be happy. I haven't been happy for the last eleven years; surely it's got to be something I'm doing wrong? It feels so much harder than it was when I was a kid. I feel ashamed for the compulsions I currently have; a friend told me last summer how she'd prayed to God to change her and it's had a negative influence. I'm doing the same thing now and it hurts so much because I feel like every time I do it, I'm cutting myself to the bone and follow it up with a prayer of 'I'm sorry, I didn't mean that,' and feeling guilty that I said something and apologised for something I don't mean. I feel like such a letdown and like I can't be left alone anymore. I'm very depressed and when my dad and stepmum have tried to comfort me, I've asked to be left alone. My stepbrother isn't helping either; he and his wife have taken over two other rooms in the house so I feel I have nowhere to escape to and I'm just in my room, and last week he was rude to my dad and I following a misunderstanding over a situation regarding his mother and never apologised. I just feel I'm a bad daughter, bad sister, and a bad friend and I honestly feel as though I want to end it. I cannot describe just how much I hate myself. This is never ever going to get better and if it's not going to get better then I might as well end it now. Thankyou for the support, the responses and for reading. C x

Hugs to you both. I'm older than you two but socialising at uni is very difficult. I was an awkward kid and didn't really fit in but luckily the people I lived with were understanding. As you go through your twenties you'll meet loads of different people. I lived in Cardiff for three years, moving there two years after I graduated for work and I had such trouble making friends and was very, very lonely - as well as very bored and isolated on a daily basis and so was sluggish and depressed. I finally found friends in my current job. It's okay if you don't quite fit somewhere. Just keep an eye out. You'll find your tribe. ?❤️

Hi y'all How are we all doing? My workplace closed on Wednesday (FOR THE THIRD TIME!) due to London moving into tier 3 so I'm at leisure again. Quite pleased to have some time to myself and finish my dad's cross-stitch for Christmas. I'm doing okay generally but I'm still having trouble with things and I'm worried that this one is going to cause offence; if it does, I'm truly sorry. My problem right now is that I'm constantly hit by urges to go online and look up things that I know will upset and trigger me, even though I know that they're nothing to do with me. My obsession is with sexuality - I keep looking up stories of people who have decided to repress/deny their true sexuality for the sake of religion; I don't agree with it, and yet I keep feeling drawn to the stories of those who do it. I don't know why - maybe to test my reaction and seek assurance that I'm doing enough on my own path, and that I haven't missed anything. I do it on Google, twitter, tumblr...it's not good. It's nothing to do with me and it's not good. I'm just constantly seeking assurance about theology, and where there's ;people of faith who repress and deny there's people of faith who celebrate this and wondering if God wants me to do things I don't want to do, and wondering if I have to do them. But I get so upset and switch off after a few moments; I don't know if God wants me to take a hard path with myself and deny myself; to listen to these people's testimonies and to be more like them, which I don't want. I'm so confused. I'm sorry to be so weird. I feel awful about this and I hate myself. I've looked this up so many times and I'm tired. I know how selfish and terrible I sound and I'm tired. It takes a lot of distraction to take myself away from it. I'm much better than I was but these urges still linger. I'm having counselling and my citalopram is helping but I hate myself for these specific obsessions and don't know how to share them. I must be a bad person to feel this way. C x

Hi Malina Thankyou for the kindness. I'm doing okay; just feeling generally unhappy. I feel guilty and like I'm to blame. I'm reflecting on the fact that I'm feeling upset and sad and that I've been less happy over the past year than I have been for a while. I'm not quite sure what else to write tonight - only that I'm tired of myself and feel I don't deserve all the support I'm getting. Maybe I would be better off dead. C x

Hi everyone Hope you're all well. I haven't been around for a while as I've been adjusting to being back at work and then going on lockdown once more. But I'm back today. I'm feeling tentatively proud of myself because it's been a week today since my work closed and I'm managing to keep it more or less together (more or less). I'm still struggling and having the occasional suicidal thought, but I have a great support network of friends, and I have some cross-stitch projects to keep my occupied (as well as Sister Sister on Netflix ? ) I'm not the best at looking after my mental health; I'm trying, I'm really trying, but it's difficult. I'm going out for walks as often as I can and that helps enormously - that and the fact that the Citalopram is slowly working - but I still feel a bit empty. The biggest issue is my compulsions; I keep thinking I 'have' to say prayers that I don't actually mean, but it's like some part of me wants to say them and then I get really confused. I ask for forgiveness over very specific issues; I had a problem earlier in the summer and I asked a friend's advice about it. She responded by telling me that had surrendered to God to change her even though she didn't want to change and it got me thinking I should do the same thing. But every time I do, I just feel fake and I ask God for forgiveness for saying the prayer in the first place. I just seem to be struggling every day; I'm scared I'll never be happy again and every day will be the same mental health battle. I'm scared I'm always going to be like this and I'll never appreciate what's in front of me. I'm slowly realising just how ill I was this year and it's frightening to think of all that time wasted. Sorry to sound so pathetic. But it's like even when I'm happy, the OCD is always there, ready to jump out at me. What if I'm going around in circles for the rest of my life because I'm not trying hard enough to be a better person and accept God's forgiveness? What then? I know God is all-loving but I feel like a letdown, undeserving and a failure, all the same. C x

Hi Iron Many congratulations on the pregnancy! I understand this must be a stressful time for you. If the baby is only a few weeks along does that mean you haven't formally announced it yet and so might currently be dealing with it on your own without outside support? That's bound to make things more stressful. Let's be honest; this has been a very stressful time for everyone especially obsessive-compulsives and yes, we're being hit with a lot of contrary information. I find there is no shame in taking a step back - it sounds like you're trying your best and just want to protect your wife, child and expecting. Just do what you can - wear your mask and wash your hands constantly. If it's any consolation, at my workplace we've had people without masks, pregnant ladies, young babies etc. You say that you're researching - would that be a compulsion? I have trouble with Googling too. ❤️ Just be kind to yourselves and each other and let go of what you can't control. C x

Hi Cas I've been where you are with the not-eating; isn't it horrible? I lost weight over lockdown because I felt so bad. But of course you deserve to have kindness and support from your family! I had similar fears to you - just as I feared never being allowed to be happy. I understand that feeling well. But of course you're allowed. ❤️ C x

Hi everyone How are we all? I've had a bit of a saga today; I went into work as was due but we have to fill out a covid questionnaire. I was feeling very tired and have had funny tummy; more an anxiety thing than anything but I decided to flag it up to the TLs to be on the safe side. Long story short, I've been sent home until further notice. I'm struggling so hard at the moment and I don't enjoy anything anymore. All I do is lie in bed on my days off and scroll on my phone. I can't seem to be happy. I keep thinking that maybe I'm doing stuff wrong but don't have the courage to change or cut things out of my life that may not be good for me, and may be adding to my uncertainty or unhappiness due to my anxiety, but which I can't seem to let go. I'm fully aware there are more important things out there; maybe I'm thinking in black and white terms. I'm just so tired all the time and feel unhappy generally - the main issue, though? I can't seem to stop worrying. All I seem to do is worry and fret. I had an anxiety attack the other night and it doesn't take much to set me off and after being sent home today I wondered if it might be time to end my life; I seriously considered just jumping off the motorway bridge. I don't think I have the courage to change and that makes me worse. I feel really scared and lonely and don't know who to turn to. I feel useless and like a failure. C x

I'd like to recommend the OCD Work book's partner - Everyday Mindfulness for OCD. It's a wonderful book that's really helped me and taken the edge off some of my compulsions.

I can only imagine how stressful that must be. I'd like to recommend another book if I may, one that's helped me - Everyday Mindfulness for OCD. It has been greatly helpful in my own life. One particular piece of advice is when the urge hits - let it run naturally for a minute and let the sludge out and then let the water run clear. Give yourself that beat of time. I don't know how useful that advice is to you but it's useful to me. Your fears of contamination are quite like my own fears of my thoughts and actions - thinking that everything needs to be contained, that hyper-responsibility. It's not your fault. You're just like this because you're a good, caring person. ❤️ C x

Welcome, Paul Sorry to hear of your trouble. The pandemic has been deeply stressful for so many; you're not alone and you're not to blame. I had a nervous breakdown VERY early in if that helps and I've been suffering from a deep depression. Don't blame yourself for struggling. I came back from the shops today after being in Tesco with people who refused to distance or wear masks and had a shower. Contamination usually doesn't get to me but due to my landlady's job and a somewhat low hygiene count in our house I've become more paranoid. We're all here for you and happy to help. C x

Hi Malina, thanks for checking in, Things are okay, I suppose, but I feel a bit isolated in myself. I'm struggling generally and feeling as though everyone would be better off without me; I don't know what to do to help myself feel better, because I feel I make myself worse. The things I turn to for respite are things that make me feel anxious because I feel so guilty over them and like I don't deserve to love myself. I took today off work; I feel better at night and it's like my brain wants to do several things at once, so I'm having trouble sleeping. I feel sad because I went home to my dad's for the weekend and thought it would be nice; instead, I struggled because having spent lockdown there in a less-than-stellar mental state, I started to relapse again and even cried. I almost couldn't wait to leave; part of me wanted to stay, because I miss my family, but the rest of me wanted to go so I could get out of that mental state. It makes me afraid to go home when I feel like that and so I'm going to try and change my room around so I can lose those mental associations. I've been like this for a long time now and I feel guilty for the reasons why I feel so anxious and ruminate constantly, mentally, in a bid to gain control; I don't know how to handle it in any manner and I'm stressed all the time. My online therapy has ended and I felt relieved, but one thing the therapist told me is that me committing suicide would mess up my family, including my two little nieces. But - and this is going to sound so incredibly selfish - I found out yesterday that due to their parents' divorce, my nieces may be moving away from near my Dad's, going up north for better schooling and family connections elsewhere. I get that they need to live near their dad, and that they need better opportunities and schooling but I'm going to miss them so much. The concept of not seeing them so often feels like the loss of a lifeline - they're one of the few reasons I'm alive and I wonder if their potential departure might end up being a lost incentive to stay so. I know how terrible that sounds - I get a lot of joy from my nieces and I can't rely on them emotionally to keep me alive - that wouldn't be fair on them. I need to find my own way of coping. And I know I'm worst-case-scenario-ing it; we won't be stopped from seeing the girls in anyway but it will be harder knowing they're not nearby. I'm ruminating a lot at the moment over little things in my life; I feel like I've lost so much spark and joy and can't do certain things without feeling guilty and upset - so then I try and obliterate that guilt and make myself worse. I ruminate over little stories I write - 'how' to make them acceptable for publication; I write what gives me pleasure and then I edit and I ruminate endlessly over the editing process. I'm getting aches and pains from how tense I am. I keep saying prayers because I feel I 'should' say them but I don't mean them. I hate myself for what I'm thinking; like I want things to worry about, want things to be wrong and I feel like I just want to die. I'm distracted and upset and don't know what will make me happiest. I wish I could be more confident in myself, because I don't feel it right now and feel I deserve to die. C x

Thankyou everyone for your empathy, your kind thoughts and wishes. It's always reassuring to know I can share the thoughts of suicide as they make me feel so guilty and so terrible. I feel like I'm being a bad daughter when I feel like this and that I'm letting my family down. I had online therapy over the summer but I don't think it really helped. I know I should be glad to have had help but I found the sessions to be very difficult; maybe because they were online and typed, rather than face-to-face and they just felt hard, in every sense of the word. I had another counsellor briefly who helped me more but once the official online therapy started he had to pull back because he didn't think it was a good idea to see two different professionals at the same time. I keep having mini-breakdowns at work; my team-leaders are very understanding but the changes in the system right now mean things are a little more challenging than usual. I keep praying, or saying things I don't mean, asking for forgiveness for things I don't really mean, or ruminating. I was a little better today, but it is hard. I have to really pull back on looking up upsetting things online. It's been hard being away from home; I know I'm with my friends and I need to rediscover my independence but I miss my family. And yet being away is probably best. I blame myself for how I'm feeling. Thanks for the kind words, all and for the comfort. One day at a time. ❤️ C x

*hugs* Friend, you read my mind. I feel sad and frustrated a lot of the time and am often trying to make it go away.

Hi everyone How are we all doing? Sorry to sound so gloomy and repetitive. I know there's a lot going on today in the world and I feel guilty. But I can't seem to cope. The last few days, I've been feeling more and more depressed. I know I need to pick myself up but I don't know what to do. I know I'm tired from being back at work and yesterday I considered throwing myself over the stair railing and falling several feet. I'm frightened all the time; I feel bad because it's like I 'need' something to worry about to stay in control, as ridiculous as that sounds. If I don't have anything to worry about, I start to panic. I can't trust feelings of happiness or relief anymore, because they never last; it feels like overconfidence and I've learnt not to trust those feelings because the rug will be pulled from under my feet. At work, I always want to go home; when I get home, although I try to give myself a schedule, it's hard to get up. I just feel heavy and I am trying to organise my evenings. But I was ruminating all day today, going around my head in circles. I suffer from religious OCD as you guys know and I'm praying constantly; for God to change me even though I don't want to change and wondering if God wants me to give something up that I don't want to give up; if I'm overthinking it and should just do what God asks. I wonder if I should give the thing up and if I'm a terrible sinner, and what will happen to me after I die. I've been exposing myself to upsetting websites which make me feel worse as they urge you to make so many sacrifices for God and I wander if I love God enough and if I have any right to call myself a Christian, even. I have a mental cycle going on in my mind; 'should I give this thing up and cut off all ties to it?' It feels like I should but I don't want to; I go over the specifics and think, 'well, it's not that harmless,' 'it's not black and white' 'it's a good, romantic, harmless thing' and every time I try and mentally review the possibility of giving it up, like a mental compulsion, I just make myself worse. I was further triggered by a friend who spoke about 'surrendering to God' to change her and I wondered if I had to be more like that; to try harder and be more like her. I keep having wobbles; I feel better for writing all this down but I wonder how long feeling better will last as it's like I'm always looking for the next problem, like I always want something to feel wrong and I'm scared to relax in case I mess up. It makes me want to die, this feeling; what's worse is knowing that my family wouldn't want that, and it would have a negative impact and that just makes the feelings worse. I'd be leaving my brothers to pick up my dad; leaving my nieces traumatised. Being back at work has been a bit of a help, but due to the current regulations and my own mood, it's not as good as before. I can't bury myself in any good escapist thoughts; I'm always being caught by my mental rituals. It's rather making me want to stay at home and pull the duvet over my head. I'm so tired of myself and feel as though I deserve to die. I keep going over theoretical scenarios in my head and I feel so scared; that everything I am is on the line. I'm frightened. It's like I'm used to an OCD feeling. I just don't want to be here; I don't even want to go to work tomorrow. I just want to hide and disappear. It all feels like too much and I hate myself; I don't deserve this life. There's something wrong with me. C x