Cub

Thanks Gemma. I've been anxious all night but it comes down to either staying trapped with this for several more weeks or getting out now. Appreciate the good thoughts. ❤️

Thankyou. My Dad isn't coming into the house and I've told him not to touch me. I did consider staying here and just accepting the situation and just getting throught it (which might either help or hinder my anxiety, I don't know) but I think leaving might be better. I just hope I don't do anyone a harm. I've been imagining all these horrible scenarios, unable to relax, thinking what if I have it, what if I pass it onto my Dad or stepmum, what if they die, what if I spend the rest of my life with that on my shoulders? I wish I'd let him come and get me earlier but I was afraid of everything and now I feel I've jumped from the frying pan into the fire. Now, I'm scared to relax in case I'm letting my guard down and something bad does happen. Wish me luck, guys. Thankyou for the votes of confidence. ❤️ C

Hi Angst I'm feeling okay - just deeply anxious but my dad's on his way. I've been self-isolating with the exception of shopping/walking and I feel okay; I've had no symptoms and all I feel right now is anxiety. I'm terrified of passing something unknowingly but my Dad and brother have decided it's best I go now for the sake of avoiding it - especially given my landlady's flippancy - and for my mental health as I've been a mess. Wish me luck. I hope we're not doing the wrong thing. Been up most of the night worried sick and unable to relax. The good news is that I have my own seperate part of the house at my landlady's - my own bathroom and fridge. C x

Oh no. My landlady, who works as a prison nurse, just came home and told us that there's one suspected corona case at her prison. She joked flippantly 'we'll probably all get it.' Normally, I wouldn't mind, but I was supposed to go home tomorrow after two weeks of self-isolation. C x

Ah, like an internet meme! We all joke about that, my darling! It's funny how some people follow you around, isn't it? I have a colleague of mine; met him at the interview; we worked together at one place; then he came to join me at my new place. It's just the way of life sometimes. But don't worry. We can't kill people with our thoughts, no matter how hard Donald Trump tries. Am I to guess you're a little stressed out right now with everything? You'll be okay. Lots of love. C x

Oooh, splendid! 1) Having a massive cuddle with friends and family 2) Going to Oxford on a long, long holiday; Endeavour's been keeping me safe and sane during this lockdown and I love that city 3) Seeing my best friend 4) Being able to go out for long walks as long as I like 5) Being able to go to the bookshops as I feel calmer when I'm in a bookshop.

Thankyou, Snowbear. I appreciate your expertise and help. I'll do my best to apply it over the next few days. ❤️ I hope I don't let you guys, or myself, down again. Thankyou for your comfort and fair-minded advice. C x

CAN WE HAVE MORE DOGS PLEASE AND THANKYOU I don't know if we're allowed to put videos on here but a gentleman this morning posted a hilarious video on Twitter of his father dancing around his lounge with his two Mountain Dogs joining in! It was adorable!

Hi Snowbear Thankyou for understanding and not thinking this is weird. I've actually taken to running vlogs on Facebook, detailing day to day life in social-isolation and I spoke about my anxiety at some length in the videos and how I was attempting to deal with it. A lot of people reached out to me as a result, and it meant a lot, but it also meant that I got a lot of different viewpoints, people willing to make discussions and offer comfort. I've been compelled by a couple of different websites that I've kept going back to even though I don't believe in what they're saying and I feel guilty for giving them a moment of my time (guess I just wanted to check that I definitely didn't agree with what they were saying and it would be like a quick-fix of assurance). I'm trying to break the habit of revisiting them, but I've been seeking answers to questions and looking and looking for clarification until I get it right. I've been endlessly anxious and obsessive and so, so frightened. But I also feel like I've let a lot of people down. We're told to love thy neighbour and yet I just kept searching for answers to Biblical questions to justify myself and my own beliefs, getting even more scared at what I found along the way which contributed to my anxiety and making me wonder what path I was supposed to walk. I feel like I've failed my best friend and several other friends because I've placed my own need for knowledge above their own needs and their own lives and got so caught up with wanting to bring assurance to myself. I feel terrible. I started to find distraction this evening when I snuggled down with my favourite television show; did some writing, etc. I felt more myself then and sort of remembered who I was with God and felt as though God loved me and I was enough. But I feel as though I was very selfish along the way because the truth was, I didn't want to give up the things I enjoyed or believed in and yet wondered if I was wrong. I've worried my dad sick, my brother is checking in with me daily to see if I'm okay and I've just been crying all the time. I feel bad for letting myself be taken in by unhealthy ideologies and was afraid to let myself be guided in case God was trying to turn me into someone I didn't want to be. I tried everything - letting go and letting God - but just couldn't stop shaking or crying. I feel like, were I even more naïve than I already am, there's a good chance I might have ended up being radicalised via the Internet. I do have my core beliefs and I think God is coming back to me now. There's been a lot of internet-searching and a lot of reassurance seeking going on and it's been like I'm 17 again and struggling. This has been a terrible relapse to endure and I'm not sure how to come back from it. I just feel like I let so many people down. I've been so scared for tomorrow, completely restless and upset and my hand has been shaking endlessly on the keyboard. Thankyou for your healthy contribution to this mindset and for your support. I'm so, so sorry that I let everybody down. C x

Hi Shonie Welcome, welcome! Glad to have you here. We'll do all we can to help you out and give support. I'm glad you're getting the support you need. The key things are - don't expect to get better all at once. It's okay to feel bad sometimes and feel good in others. It'll take a while for things to get together in your mind; you might feel a 'click' of clarity one day, like I did; the moment I clicked these were just thoughts. But if you don't, then that's okay; it comes slowly, slowly. And to quote Aziraphale from Good Omens - which I would recommend you watch, by the way - 'whatever happens - we're beside you!' C x

*whispers* SORRY! Both very handsome and helpful, I assure you!

Hi Dave It's good that you feel some form of acceptance but do be kind to yourself. These times of stress are hard and getting a lot of OCD going (including mine!) I know it's hard right now, but just go easy on yourself. Acceptance is a very good thing; just go step by step by step. ❤️

OKAY THIS IS EMBARRASSING I just remembered that Ashley and taurean are two different people! My bad!

Cora, if it's any consolation, I can really relate to that question of what do you do now. I've just suffered a horrific week and a half long anxiety episode with my OCD (a response, I think, to all that's going on) and today I've woken up feeling more myself than I have in a while. God willing, it stays that way. You want to just keep going but after something like that, which completely pulverised your mind? I get it. I know things are scary right now but don't forget, you can be scary yourself. You are a fantastic person who is dealing with all this stress and that makes you terrifying to your enemies! You can't be knocked down easily. And you have all of us. OCD can be frightening and isolating and downright distressing; it makes you feel alone. But you aren't alone; here we all are. C x

I've woken up today at a decent time after falling asleep to Good Omens last night and am now watching Lewis. I also brought some nice marble cake from a local bakery and intend to have some for breakfast. We can literally have cake for breakfast, y'all. There's nobody judging this.