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Cub

Bulletin Board User
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About Cub

  • Birthday June 23

Previous Fields

  • OCD Status
    Sufferer
  • Type of OCD
    Religious

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    Somewhere in the West
  • Interests
    Poetry; reading; writing; Doctor Who; Sherlock; Glee; Darren Criss from Glee; spirituality

Recent Profile Visitors

3,237 profile views
  1. Hi guys Bit of an emergency, I'm afraid. I've had a really bad time of it and was supposed to go home to see my dad for a few days but was so exhausted by the past three weeks I couldn't face it. I took some time to relax but I managed to break two plates in as many days and now for some reason I'm going into meltdown. I feel like a failure and I'm terrified of having an onslaught of bad thoughts about my best friend who's trying to help me and I want to hurt myself. I keep running my nails over my wrists and my throat. I want to talk to my dad but I am so scared. I feel like I can't function or cope and I'm frightened of what I'm doing to myself. Oh no. C x
  2. Hi leif I'll keep an eye out. I have to look after myself, after all. Thanks again. C x
  3. Thanks Leif Unfortunately, things don't seem to have much improved; I've got a massive headache and haven't felt right all day. I've been feeling quite isolated and depressed; I didn't go to the doctor in the end and now wish I had. I made a nice meal to try and keep my nutrition up, but I just feel so sad. I'm trying to do a few things I like, but I have to go back to work tomorrow and just don't feel I can cope. I feel like such a failure, worrying about the stuff I'm worrying about and feel like I would be better off dead. Like I can't accomplish anything and I have never accomplished things and am just a sad, lonely loser. I don't know if I can face work tomorrow. I feel so rigid and unhappy and left out - everyone else posted really cool pictures of what they did Halloween and I was working all of it and feeling really isolated. There's a party in London tomorrow but I'm worried about going as I'm scared I won't get back and I'm in two minds about it. I'm sorry to sound so unhappy. I just feel like I have nothing to show for what I am and keep thinking about killing myself. I want to tell someone how I feel but there's nobody. I just don't know how to stop worrying and be different because everything seems blocked off by my own rigidity. Thanks again for the support. Sorry to sound so whiny. C x
  4. Thankyou, Torsa. I would like to take some time off work as it's all been very difficult but can't afford the sick-days. I have today off and am considering going to see a doctor as I can't cope; I called Samaritans today to share my suicidal feelings. I don't quite know how to love myself, sadly. I am trying to care for myself adequately and my colleagues have been super-supportive but right now I feel like I just can't cope. I love my family, but I've always been pushed to do my very best in everything, including soldiering on through work if it gets bad, particularly by my brother who tells me I need to tough it out. I know he only tells me that because he cares and he doesn't want me to lose my job, but I keep hearing that in my head. I've been so bad at work this week and have just wanted to curl up in corners. I appreciate your kind words and support. Thankyou so much. Hi leif Yeah, you can say that again! I'm trying not to make it worse, but it's very difficult. I can't not give it any attention because it hurts like hell and I don't know how to cope. I just found all these wider questions came up and I didn't know how to deal, at all. I don't know how to just let the anxiety be there without getting wound up about it, if that makes sense. I really try not to seek reassurance; with me, it comes from interactions with my friends and comparing myself to others, rather than just being myself; I fall itno the trap of 'well, they do this, so why can't I? Why can't I be a little more hang-loose?' It's hard to just let it be without engaging, especially if I believe there's something I might be able to do about it. I just can't leave things alone and am always striving for perfectionism, but where does that leave me long-term? It feels like it leaves me without nothing. Thankyou for the advice and for the good wishes; sadly, I didn't enjoy Halloween at all as I was on late shift and then came home and sat on the sofa for ages feeling really depressed. I couldn't even have a pumpkin. Sorry for the negativity; it's been a very difficult week. Thankyou both for your kindnesses, C x
  5. Hello all I've had a pretty horrible week. It's hard to know where to start, but I don't want to keep it all in. I tried to deal with it alone with the help of my best friend, but I just couldn't. Last Friday - nearly a week ago - I defied a lot of inner-feeling and did something that I flippantly assumed would be okay - feeling the fear and doing it anyway - but it didn't feel okay and it got my OCD going. I was at work all weekend and had an endless cycle of 'oh, it's fine, it's only this, it's fine,' going around my head and it got worse and worse and worse. I tried to amend the activity as best as I could, but it didn't help and I fell into an anxiety spiral. I feel so stupid and wish I hadn't done the thing at all, but I don't know how to take it back without upsetting people and making them think badly of me. I thought maybe I could amend it in some way, but I haven't figured out to, yet. In the meantime, I've been left completely, mentally and even physically exhausted. I haven't had any time to myself this week to sort myself out as we had a family gathering on Monday, my only day off and I feel like I'm crawling along on my knees. I'm meant to start work at 1 today and I don't have the strength to get out of bed, but I can't afford the sickdays and don't want to risk it. My best friend has been lovely but I don't want to pile this all on her and right now, I can't take anyone else's problems on top of trying to deal with my OCD going utterly around the twist. It sounds heartless, but while waiting to be dismissed last night, I went to sit down for five minutes for a bit of peace and a colleague came in with her own issues, which I just couldn't handle right then. I don't want to bother my brothers, because they're busy and my dad is about to go off to Italy. He knew my OCD had kicked off, but we didn't have a chance to talk about it. I spoke to my stepmother about it; I hoped it was over, but it just feels like it's there when I wake up in the morning, ready to pounce. I feel so embarrassed and stupid and have been suffering suicidal contemplation because I hate myself for this and I hate that something so small led me to this. Another friend has been trying to help me as well; it all comes down to me writing all sorts of things and she urged me to just keep writing, but I don't know what I can share with the world and what I can't and when I try to publish certain materials, I feel immersed in guilt. I don't know, I just feel like I've spent my twenties worrying and I feel so held back and like I'm missing out; I feel like I'm not allowed to do certain things and yet I don't want to be some sort of fuddy-duddy, some horrible, prejudiced little homophobe. I don't want my OCD to close my mind up. I've been through this once before and I just can't stand going through it again. I feel like it's wasting my time; I just want to live and be happy, but I don't know how to be happy and carefree and normal. My psychologist told me a long time to be a little more naughty, but how naughty is too naughty? I don't know if scrupulosity is involved here somewhere; maybe it is? I just feel no-one can help me and I'm beyond helping. I don't know how to handle this. I want to be sensible, but I also want to live and I keep questioning myself. The things I write are enjoyable but when it comes to publication, I try and trim them down, and perhaps take some of the charm out of them because I'm trying to avoid 'sinful' things; I keep feeling besieged by that quotation from the Bible; if your hand makes you sin, cut it off; lose a part of yourself rather than your whole self in Hell. It's hard to balance your beliefs with the person you are, you feel like there's a constant war going on inside you and you're wondering if you should be the person God made you as, or you have to make sacrifices to be someone else worthy. Sorry for all this drivel. I'm so tired and I wanted to enjoy Halloween. But I feel so beyond it. I'm tired of my anxiety ruining everything. C x
  6. Thanks for that, although sorry for my late reply. Hope all is well with you. Thankyou for reading and replying. ❤️
  7. Hi guys I'm really struggling at the moment, I'm afraid. I'm so sorry to sound like a broken record, but I cannot, for love or money, stop ruminating; I keep going over compulsive thoughts in my head, over and over again and can't relax. It's become a problem at work; I can't chill on my breaks, I can't focus on anything and I'm very hyperaware of how I'm feeling. It's got so bad I feel ashamed; it's like I don't know how to be happy anymore and I'm having suicidal thoughts again because I feel like such a burden to my Dad and brothers like this. I can't see myself living a happy life; a subpar one at best, I feel and I'm always going to be a nuisance. Depression runs in the family, particularly on my dad's side and I often fear winding up like my grandmother. I was trying to deal with this yesterday while I was on-duty as my head was just going over and over the same stuff - does this work, should I do it like this, ruminating over and over and feeling frustrated, trying to keep my head away from the things that were bothering me and feeling far too lost and layered in my head; I don't really know how to explain my thoughts properly. On top of that, I caught a child going under a barrier and sharply rebuked him and the mother told me she felt my reaction was a bit over the top - he took me completely by surprise, but what if I was using that as an outlet? - so now I fear a backlash, although I did have a chat with my team-leader and manager about it and got it all out in the open. I'm just feeling so scared right now; I know I can't stop thinking and that would be unrealistic, but I just wish I didn't feel like this. I feel so uncertain and don't really know how to be kind to myself. On top of that I keep thinking about the falling-out I had with friends that was never resolved and still upsets me. Sometimes I wonder if I'm seeking out reasons to worry. I just don't want to rely on anyone else to get me better; I don't want to lean on other people, or on work as a distraction and want to know I can handle this on my own. I don't want to burden other people with what's going on in my head and when I'm trying to explain it, I feel so ridiculous. What I'm worrying about is the kind of thing that other people don't worry about and I feel indecisive and as though I don't really know myself, or where I belong. Le sigh... Time to get ready for work, I suppose. Thanks for reading. C x
  8. Yeah, that's a hard one. I hear you. With these feelings, it's hard. Some moments of clarity take longer than others to kick in and I think distraction is often the best way to go. All obsessions are different, and some get their claws in deeper than others. Just give yourself time and patience and be kind to yourself. Sometimes, OCD throws in hurdles to make things more difficult, to wax and wane if you will. And that's difficult to deal with but it's okay. Just give yourself the time you need; it will pass. You've done it before, you can do it again, you strong-willed person, you. C xxx
  9. Well done for eating! It's very difficult to get anything down when anxiety is filling us up, so I'm glad you had a treat. You deserve something nice. Continue to be good to yourself. 😊❤️
  10. I was on that stuff during my final year at Uni. I was on three tablets a day at one point; I felt very weak and sweated a lot and had very vivid dreams. It took a few months to work properly and we weaned me down to one; by the following January I felt much better. It does work. C x
  11. Thanks Malina I guess that things just...feel so much better than they were? Yesterday marked two years since I left my old job in Cardiff and I was so unhappy there, dealing with so much mental pressure I put on myself and yet not really dealing with it properly. Looking back, I realise I tried to bury it - that and the sad truth is, I'm just so used to worrying about things that not to worry seems strange and alien to me. Maybe that was the problem. I'm deeply introspective and this brings a whole new wave of problems because I'm always very aware of what I'm thinking and feeling. I struggle at work if they put me on a quiet shift because I try and keep myself occupied with positive thoughts to stop the negative ones, or attempt to distract myself as best I can. I think I've lost the art of distracting myself somewhat. In short, I think I'm just a bit of a mess. Less of a mess than I used to be, but I think I would just like to look after myself for a little while and come to terms with it all. I guess I shouldn't blame myself too much and there are other factors to consider, but I still feel guilty at the time wasted. Then again, that's the nature of OCD for you. I'm so used to a worrisome life, but I'm scared of myself and I'm scared of self-sabotage. Oh well. Onwards and upwards, I suppose. C x
  12. Hi y'all Really tired and not sure I'm making a lot of sense to this, so I'll cut right to the chase. I've realised that one of my big problems with OCD is compulsive writing; I was discussing this with someone the other day and I realised that was what I was doing a for a long time. When I'm at home, all I want to do is write. It doesn't matter if it's not something I'll publish, I just like to feel busy and get my brain working. I know if it's something I enjoy then that's okay but I was caught up for a while back there with attempting to prove a point to myself and got quite mad in my writing; I was determined to write the perfect piece. Now, I keep editing and reediting and wondering where my true voice even is. If I need to step away from some stuff to feel sane again because for a long time, I felt like I was going crazy. Any thoughts? C x
  13. Thankyou so much for the good thoughts and encouragement, Maline and paradoxer. It was lovely to know I wasn't alone in this and I guess I've come this far. I do feel a fair bit better, for the moment at least and I'm good at distracting myself and keeping busy for the time-being. I have holiday time coming up soon and I'm trying to branch out a bit; I'm attending a picnic on Saturday that I'm rather nervous about. But it's nice to know I have things to do. I guess you do just get used to feeling anxious, but it's important to give yourself a break. I'm trying to remember that for myself. And yes, Endeavour is amazing. Shaun Evans...*purrs* ❤️ Thanks, y'all. C x
  14. Hi y'all Oh boy. Oh boy. This is a tough one to write. I've got Endeavour playing in the background as a kind of coping mechanism. So...a lot of you know that I've been haunted and riddled with guilt over the past eight years or so over a 'bad thought' I had as a student. It completely brought me to my knees with guilt and grief as I thought I had committed the unforgivable sin and was scared that God didn't love me anymore. More than that, I was riddled with guilt because I had allowed myself to have the thought, just to have something to worry about and felt I deserved the pain and the guilt and would therefore worry the rest of my life. It made me depressed and suicidal and even though my GP told me I put a lot of pressure on myself, I couldn't stop going over all of it in my head, checking if I was doing the right thing, if I could try harder, if there was stuff I could cut out of my life to try and make amends. This week, when studying some theology as part of my curiousity on another matter, I realised what I was looking for. And now it's like I've finally come to my senses. I just feel...oh my goodness right now. I don't feel relieved as such, but I feel very overwhelmed and afraid because I am terrified of myself. Of what I'm like; this constant need to worry. I am so scared that I'll harm somebody, or do something else that's bad. I just feel like I spent a long time worrying about something and I know, I know I'm obsessive-compulsive and shouldn't be so hard on myself. I can't help that; there's a lot I can do to help myself, but the shame deep in my soul makes me feel bad. I heard voices in my head, had a tight chest, couldn't sleep and kept crying, feeling that redemption was well beyond my reach. I don't know what to think now. I'm scared that this perchant for worry is going to get me into difficult situations as life goes on; I guess I'm just so used to having something to fight against. I'm used to fighting a battle for my happiness but now it's like I've sidestepped and stepped out of the cycle myself. I'm glad for it, but still. All those wasted years of worry and deep thought. But perhaps that's obsessiveness for you, and the need to carry out compulsions that's part and parcel of the disorder. So maybe I should blame myself a little less. Oh man, I feel really vulnerable right now. I just want to distract myself away from this and keep busy. I know our twenties are difficult times and there were other things going on as well which didn't help - trying to get a job which caused tension with my parents as my Mum and I were screaming at each other; trying to get through my final year at Uni; my Mum's death and coping with that; dealing with the subsequent loneliness and having trouble fitting in. I know we all have emotional and mental trouble at the end of the day but I feel like such a fool, and such an idiot. Could I please have a hug? C x
  15. Well done! I'm proud of you. You clearly know what to do to make things right. Slowly and surely. Congratulations!
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