Cub

I am you, you are me. Hugs!

Thanks for this. I could do with a bit of compassion to self - I'm starting a new job on Saturday and I'm feeling stressed and can't settle to anything. I'm terrified of sabotaging myself and ruining everything and just want to get it over and done with but I can't relax and am just counting down the hours until I can start. It's really hard to chill and the fear of self-sabotage - of having bad thoughts on purpose, of having promise thoughts etc just to give me something to worry about - is intense. I just cannot settle to a single thing and feel incredibly tired but unable to relax. I guess it's all been a bit of a shock; I wasn't expecting to get the job! I'm terrified of messing up on my first day by oversleeping etc (which is something I've done in my current job a fair...a fair few times, yeah). Thanks for the compassionate thread. I'll try to be good to myself. Maybe another cup of tea and some scotch pancakes with butter.

Hi everyone How are you all doing? Sorry for disappearing again. I've been on reduced work hours but recently went back to normal thankyou to everybody who lent support during this period. I've been having online therapy as was in a bad place and was feeling suicidal and like a failure. I'm happy to report my mood has improved and I no longer feel suicidal. I am struggling though. My therapist and I have been looking at CBT, breathing techniques and problem solving but I've got a stupidly significant problem - compulsive praying aside, which I'm still working through - and I wanted to talk about it here because of how it's making me feel. I have a sense that I have spoken about it before. When I first came onto this forums 17 years ago with religious OCD I had been distressed with the idea that I had committed the unforgivable sin ie. blasphemy against the Holy Spirit which I know is a common source of distress. My psychologist at the time explained that it wasn't having bad thoughts about the holy spirit, it was other things. I still have trouble understanding it sometimes and find myself googling 'just to be safe.' I think it's far to say I'm still a little tense in this area though I am generally more relaxed if not the most devout person you'll find these days; I've become a lot naughtier which has been good for me. I am still struggling with a very specific issue though; my love of the show Good Omens. Obviously it's about a demon and an angel saving the world, a bit of a laugh about religion and they're best friends, and shared a kiss at the end of series 2, with many fans pairing them together and writing fanfiction about it. Obviously this is all fine and I love reading a good love story, but I struggle with the out and out reality of writing an angel and a demon - however fictionalised - being together as a couple as I can't shake the feeling I'm doing something wrong and that I'm *sigh* blaspheming against God in an unforgivable way, by placing a (fictional) divine being together with a (fictional) demon of Hell who is unforgiven. This isn't helped by the demon - played by David Tennant (whose father was a minister, for crying out loud ) describing himself as 'unforgivable' in the first series even there's a lot of other stuff about how he 'didn't mean to fall' etc. I get really, really caught up in this. I know there's so much terrible stuff going on in the world and we all have better things to worry about. It's been a worry ever since the show started and every time I write a fanfic I have to go through so many mental gymnastics, semantics and theological knowledge to the point where I worry I'm going mad. I once burst into tears after writing and publishing such a fanfic even though it was about love and kissing and cuddling and is obviously just fanfiction. But I just can't shake the feeling that I'm doing something wrong. Every time I get a brainstorm I start to worry and I just can't let go. I know this is a very specific thing and I'm trying not to take it too seriously. I love the show but I don't like how I feel and I've been very distressed. I have sought religious reassurance and googled before. I'm scared of losing access to the show altogether; I'm scared of putting myself in a place where I can't stop worrying about it and where I won't be able to enjoy it anymore because the obsession has become second-nature and frighteningly, I'm used to feeling like that. I worry about what will happen if I lose the obsession - I know I can't gain 100% certainty. I've struggled for years; one of my previous obsessions was that I blasphemed against God by making a promise in my head that I couldn't keep so this is a reoccurring theme. I didn't know where else to put this and I don't know what others reading this will make of it. It feels good to talk about it, at the very least as it was filling my head with confusion. I've still got a lot of work to do. Guess I'm going to watch Miranda and eat some spaghetti bolognaise; laterz and thankyou for reading. C x

This is a nice thing to read and very comforting. I'm having this problem right now, so thankyou for sharing your thoughts and some nice imagery.

Hi all Figured while I'm back here, why not share some of my wider struggles. Yay. Had a bit of a tough weekend as have fallen back on some old bad habits which have left me truly ashamed. Let's just say it pertains to the religious side. I've obviously been a part of this forum since I was 17 with religious OCD and I'm sure a lot of you will have heard it all before. Right now, I'm really struggling with compulsive prayer and over the last week it's been particularly bad. In particular I keep wondering if everything I'm doing is wrong and if I need to pray harder. Unfortunately, I think a friend's well-meaning advice from a few years back is to blame - I had to distance myself from her for my own mental health but basically I'm not letting my guard down and praying things I don't necessarily want but feel I should be praying for, based on her own advice and experience. As part of my compulsions I'm visiting super religious websites to 'check' my own reaction and make sure I still disagree with them. I'm feeling so ashamed of this. I'm feeling a lot of stuff right now and of course it does feel good to talk about it and rein it in a little. But I do feel very, very ashamed. This isn't the person I want to be. Cub

Thankyou for the kind words, everyone.

Hello everyone Happy New Year. I would like to begin this by saying a heartfelt thankyou to all who have supported me lately. I'm currently on reduced hours at work still; I haven't been on the forum properly for a long time but have been dealing with depression and anxiety. Of course OCD plays its part and I'm recognising compulsions in the fact of my prayers for forgiveness everytime I have a 'bad' thought. So I'm working on that and trying to resist. I'm currently dealing with the acknowledgement of what was lost. December marked ten years since my Mum's death from cancer. She was my staunchest supporter when I was diagnosed with OCD half a lifetime ago and I miss her. In many ways, having OCD brought me closer to my parents because they made me feel safe. But in the three years leading up to my mum's diagnosis and death, I let it all get the better of me. I spent the last two years of my Mum's life wrapped up in the guilt of a certain 'promise' thought I'd had and which I felt I had had on purpose, which I felt I had to keep and it seized me. I was also unemployed as a fresh Uni graduate, didn't know what I wanted to do with my life and felt alone. I was rowing with my parents a lot and so wrapped up in my own mental health matters and OCD that I just wasn't fully engaged with my Mum. I know I did my best and I was there at the end but it wasn't enough. Now, years later, I realise how stupid I was and I'm feeling so sorry that I let my Mum down. I know there's a lesson in here but it feels like poison is being released only after it's done a number on my system. I feel I've been a very silly, silly woman and I don't think I can forgive myself for not engaging with Mum because of my own selfishness. Thanks for reading. I'm not expecting a reply. I just wanted to share with people who might get it. C x

Hi Xoli It's funny you should ask because I recently had a similar fear of faking or exaggerating my symptoms during a bad anxiety episode and I remember having something like it during my A-Levels. I will say this: OCD lends irrationality to everything. God knows I've experienced that a lot again lately. What feels ridiculous to many makes sense to those with OCD. And it can feel so random and yet so real that it almost feels like a lie. OCD can make anything feel real. But on a very simplified level, it is what it is and sometimes we will question what led us to a certain place. But it's not our fault. It's just what our heads do. What our chemical inbalance does. We can only try to deal. We can only do our best and I'm sure you're doing yours. C x

Alinora, thankyou for your additional message, which is really sweet of you. I was just writing the above when you wrote in. Many thanks.

I really appreciate your help and validations on this, thankyou. Unfortunately my mind is not letting up and won't leave it alone. I know I've been through the proper channels and gone to the doctor but I keep overanalysing everything and why I did what I did and said what I said and I know I was unwell. I went to the doctor partly because my best friend advised me to go (and they spoke to me on the day of the depression and the day of the anxiety attacks because I reached out to them for help) and I didn't want to let my best friend down by not seeking help and my dad also advised me to go to the doctor as did my work medic and TL. But it's like my brain is making me feel that I called work and just said 'not coming in for a while, lol bye' when I know that's absolutely not true. But it's making me feel like I lied or exaggerated when I know I only said what was happening and what I felt was wrong. I keep obsessing what I said about food because I was off it a bit and not wanting much for a minute and the day I came in feeling sick it was worsened by being in the back of an Uber with a very strong leather smell. So it's little things like that: did I exaggerate? I feel I don't deserve good things or to rest. I feel like I should have gone to work and then I would feel better just plodding along and tried to tackle it on my own or had 'more validation' if it got worse and more reason to have time off with less guilt. I feel I should have been a lot worse but every one has told me it was the doctor's call. Then I think about how she asked me about it and wonder if I manipulated the situation somehow because she offered to do it for me and I was hoping for a doctor's note for the time gone to back me up in an upcoming sickness meeting, not for another two weeks. I just keep thinking this is all my fault and analysing it from every angle and don't know how to stop. My dad and stepmum are trying to support me but I can tell they're not sure how to handle this. I keep telling them I feel guilty and they've suggested I can go back earlier if that's how I feel, which confuses me more and makes me wonder if it's good or bad. I feel I can't make the most of this rest time but if I go back will I feel good or worse? And what will that mean for me? I fully appreciate this is most likely OCD and we don't want to turn this message thread into a ring-around-the-roses reassurance cycle. But I honestly don't know what to do. I actually feel like I did during the pandemic, feeling helpless with all this time on my hands and unable to make the most because I'm worrying constantly. I really appreciate everyone's thoughts and validation on this matter and am grateful for the patience. I'm trying to enjoy myself but I feel I don't deserve it - and now I have a headache. Best Cub x

Hello, Aking and Alinora Thanks for that. I'm starting to see that there is a lot of anxiety attached. I'm very very tired. I was afraid that I had exaggerated how bad it was to the doctor without meaning to - everything I told was the truth and I'd been having trouble with eating and nausea but maybe not as much as I thought? It's little things like that: my fear that I had lied without meaning to and 'didn't need' time off. I couldn't stop that need for reassurance but I spoke to the doctor today and explained my feelings. He was very understanding and said the same thing as was said here. I guess what I'm feeling is part of the condition - crippling guilt and anxiety. I started to get very depressed earlier in the day and was having suicidal thoughts again (which is when I called the doctor). I just couldn't stop the anxiety. I do feel better now but I can't stop that feeling of 'did I exaggerate? Am I not as ill as I thought?' It does feel like being in a vicious cycle and I guess because it did this to me, made me feel as though taking time off was making it worse. I guess it's all the same thing. My dad and my stepmum are trying their best to be supportive but I feel guilty - my dad had a very long dental procedure today and this is his and my stepmum's last week together for a few weeks because she's flying abroad next week to see family and I feel like I'm spoiling it all. My best friend is on holiday and I don't want to bother them - they've done so much for me alright. Thanks for the support and the validation. It's amazing how guilt and anxiety can worm their way back into your head. I've just been tired and disassociated and trying to keep going. Thanks again Cub x

Hi all Been a while, I know. I hope you're all okay. Got a bit of an...unusual one I should say. I'd been doing well - I had COVID back in July which was tricky and got some worries of contamination going as I didn't want to infect anyone (it's just me and my landlady and she was chill but there was a lot of cleaning down of surfaces). Over the last couple of weeks, I'd been struggling. I was feeling tired and depressed a lot - I don't quite know when or why it started, only that I was going to work numb and didn't want to go though obviously I did. I was having vivid dreams which proved upsetting. There were a lot of changes happening in my workplace and subsequently a lot more noise and a lot more crowds. I found myself worrying more, especially ahead of days off which I've been finding tricky lately as negative feelings seem to follow and I was worrying myself stupid the night before a day off in case those feelings returned. I couldn't relax and didn't even want to go swimming which I've taken up lately. Last Tuesday I found myself unable to cope and get out of bed and was shaking a lot. I couldn't even pretend and just hid under the weighted blanket. My room was a mess and I couldn't find the energy to clean it. I had a job interview the next day and was disassociated from the idea of the whole thing. Then on Friday, I woke up feeling sick and awful and went into work, not feeling my best. I went to the medic and she sent me home. I took the next day off as well and on Sunday, when out and about, had a massive anxiety attack. It started as soon as I left the house and by the time I got to my destination I was shaking, disassociated, feeling frightened and ready to burst into tears but texted the shout helpline after failing to get through to Dad. I called my Dad that night in tears - my work had been badly staffed over the weekend and I felt I was letting everyone down, including my family and I was aware of how worse other people had it, trying to keep things ticking over - and he advised me to skip work and go to the doctor, same advice as my best friend had given me as it had been a rough week. The doctor was very kind and sympathetic and she asked if I would like a fit note as she felt I was struggling with work. She asked me if I would like four weeks or two and I went for two and she gave me the note. I was initially relieved but now I cannot shake the feeling of guilt. I feel as though I wasn't 'bad enough' to warrant getting a sick-note and keep going through my texts and tweets from the last fortnight to assure myself I was, or explaining my guilt to others in the hopes that they will reassure me. Part of me feels that if I had just carried on with work I would feel better and I'm terrified that people are judging me and that I am being weak and unaware of other people's pain. I almost feel like I want to break the sick-note and go back to work early because then I won't feel guilty anymore but I know that will look more suspicious than anything. I feel like I want constant reassurance that I did the right thing and I know the doctor offered me the sick-note, not the other way around. I just feel I wasn't ill enough to warrant it, that I could have been stronger and the guilt and anxiety is eating me alive. I feel if I had tried more with the help I had been given I wouldn't be in this position now and am already trying to find the words and explanation for work as I fear getting into trouble. It feels like I brought myself a big bundle of salty chips I didn't need and won't finish and will end up going to waste. To make things even worse, I'd been doing pretty well. It doesn't take much to make me feel like a waste of space and have suicidal thoughts but I hadn't had them in months. But now this has happened and it's like I 'need' something to worry about. This worries me even more and makes me feel more of a failure. You get used to living with the pressure of OCD and I'm terrified I want to make something happen because I'm so used to it - yet recently I've been more relaxed and learning to live a life without it. I know that sounds weird but that's why I'm sharing my feelings to try and gain control. I'm so scared of self-sabotage and was frightened on Sunday that that would happen, which feels more of a reason to just carry on as usual. I don't know what to do. I'm worried that I'm going to spend the next fortnight worried sick and it's going to be a vicious cycle. I feel I'm placing a lot of emphasis on work and it's all I have - I'd taken on an extra shift or two recently for the money and I find myself thinking of it on my days off. I've felt like a bit of a sad loser and like I don't have much of a balance. I'm trying to keep busy and set a routine but I can't stop the guilt because I feel okay and I feel that I should have been worse before I accepted the note or tried harder to get myself better. Apologies, I know this is a lot to take in. I'm with my dad and stepmum and trying to keep busy and set a daily routine. But I just feel so, so guilty and like I could have tried a lot harder and been better. I feel pathetic and like a weakling and like I should have been better. Thanks for reading. Best wishes. Cub x

Hi KCBell I know exactly what you mean. My Mum died of cancer ten years ago when my OCD was very bad and I was living in a city where I felt very lonely and often my OCD was my only companion. This was very, very hard. I'm better now, but I find little things like cross-stitch, going for walks, helps a lot. See what things you can do. It does get better, I promise. See what you might be interested in but don't be hard on yourself. It can be hard to enjoy yourself with OCD, but start by getting fresh air, and seeing what's out there. C x

I absolutely sympathise, Garfield, and my first tip is - please, please be kind to yourself. Even after dealing with OCD half my life, I still feel that urge for reassurance, and wanting to go over things in my mind to 'check' everything is okay. It does take time and patience and experience. My advice would be the old adage: if it feels like OCD, it probably is. In the same way that a duck is a duck. Of course, we're always looking for reassurance that it is definitely a duck and we're allowed to let go of our fears. When I was going through this a few years ago, I likened it to jumping from one cliff edge to the other, mentally - I had to make that leap. I had to feel that fear and jump over and before I knew it, I was on the other side. Or like when you let go of the side of a swimming pool; letting go can be very, very hard. But please be kind to yourself and let yourself give it a go. You're allowed to let go. I don't know if it helps at all but OCD and scrupolosity really damaged my relationship with religion. But time and growth has helped me realise that God is loving, an understanding parent who knows us and these things do no have to be compartmentalised. And whatever you believe, people will love you. The important thing is caring for yourself. Being hard on ourselves is part of the OCD cycle, so please remind yourself; if it feels like OCD, it is OCD. I was drawn to your post because I was giving into that old need for reassurance, but it's okay. Just remind yourself that you have OCD and you need to be kind to yourself. You don't have to be rigid - my theologian psychologist told me this and it helped a lot - and compartmentalise everything. Best Cub x

It's not your fault, Taurean. We're going to have relapses and look how well you do. Look how much you comfort and provide information. It's okay to need a sit-down occasionally. You're allowed to stop and regroup. For me, it's remembering that it's okay to feel the fear and do it anyway. It feels like jumping over a river everytime but it gets to the point where you barely realise you've done it. I'm still haunted by things from years ago but I remind myself to jump over the river. For me, I like soundscapes these days and ASMR sounds. Just sitting quietly and breathing; remembering that breath. Sometimes I'll be shaken up like a rattle. But that's okay. I've been in worse places and I know it'll get better. These feelings won't last forever. We're all here, and we're all doing okay. C x