Cub

Thankyou, Snow. That's really kind of you and very thoughtful. I'll try it out; it's been downloaded to my phone. C x

Hi guys Thankyou very much BelAnna for your kind words and Handy for your contribution. The truth of the matter is that I feel very afraid. I'm scared God wants me to do things I don't want to do and I'm scared of being brainwashed. I'm so, so scared. Today I broke down to my dad and told him that I was feeling suicidal again and I'm frightened. I don't know if God is calling me somewhere I don't want to go. I want to learn more, but I'm afraid to move fowards - I keep visiting fundamentalist websites to check if I agree with their philosophies or trying to learn something from a new point of view just so I understand but am still secure in my own. I want to be sure I haven't 'missed anything' and I don't want to be like them, but I want to be sure I have all the right information and that God doesn't want me to do anything. But I feel so sick. I'm not eating and I was sick this morning on waking up - I went down to my dad's room for a cuddle as I didn't want to be alone. I did some writing this afternoon but I had all these thoughts going around my head. It's like a stone in my shoe. And I'm scared that there are things God wants me to do because I felt God spoke to me a few weeks ago and told me to make changes to my life but I'm putting off the inevitable and not getting closer to my faith, which might make me happier. I'm just stuck in a rut and scared and afraid to move forward and frightened of being brainwashed by these fundamentalist sites as I wonder if that's where God wants me to go. Trouble is, after I go on the fundamentalist websites I'll go and find something affirming that makes me feel safe. I'm wondering, 'What if their way is the right way?' and it frightens me so much. I'm so, so frightened and feeling suicidal and just want to end it. I'm sorry everyone but thankyou for the kindness. I don't think I can handle this. It's too big for me this time. C.

Thanks for that, Malina, and Ginger too. It helps to know that I'm not the only one who feels like this - my thoughts feel so heavy and they just keep coming at me and making me so miserable and weighing me down. I just want to finish this but it's so hard because I don't know how this will end and whether it will end anytime soon. I don't think I deserve self-compassion, or kindness and keep looking at everything through the eyes of God. I'm really tired and can't handle feeling like this. I don't think I'm making the effort anymore. I just keep thinking I have to be 'better' 'try harder' and adhere to a 'holier' codes and keep getting scared that I 'have' to go on all these fundamentalist areas. I'm so tired. I know these are compulsions but I can't seem to stop and wonder what God wants me to do. Everything's been so difficult and this summer has been so hard. I can't bear feeling like this another day. C.

Thanks guys I just can't seem to move forward. I'm tired and just want to finish it. I feel pathetic and can't see a way forward; it's like there's a brick wall in front of me and I can't make the necessary changes to beat the wall. I'm ruminating all the time and can't see my way to getting better. I know it sounds pathetic but I can't stop likening this in my mind to six years ago, when I was at home for most of the year without a job and my Mum was dying of cancer. We were fighting all the time because I didn't have any work despite my best efforts and because I was depressed over my OCD thoughts. Or before that when I was 21 and had a long summer at home, and my OCD just got worse and worse to the point of suicidal contemplation. It's like I can't allow myself to stop worrying. It's like my brain wants to worry; I'm not allowed to take the easy road of 'no worrying', I HAVE to worry. I'm not allowed to have it easy. I just keep ruminating and don't get anyway. The fact of the matter is, I'm scared to get better. I'm scared of self-sabotage and I'm scared I'll mess everything up for myself again and lose something so important to me, again. I've been in this mental health place before and I'm so frightened. I just can't do this anymore. I think my stepbrother is getting impatient with me because I don't seem to be doing anything. I'm so stressed out, my hair is going grey. I don't feel I deserve to live. I don't think I want to live anymore. I don't want to be here anymore. I'm ashamed of myself and my inability to get better; I've been having therapy for weeks but nothing seems to be working and I feel so ashamed that it's not. I don't know how to help myself, or do anything worthwhile. I'm scared that if I get better, something else will inevitably pop up and get me down all over again. I feel so trapped and just want to die. C.

Thanks, Malina. I know I need to accept uncertainty. I'm just in a bit of a mess at the moment and feel as though I can't go on anymore. I know I have a disorder and I just feel scared that God wants me to do things that I don't want to do. It makes me feel very sad. C x

Hi everyone How are we all doing? I'm sorry to post so often these days. I know this is hard for everyone and I feel kind of bad for not coping better. I'm not in a great place (surprise surprise) and am feeling rather bad and as though I want to end my life because I'm just so, so tired of feeling this way and feeling so unhappy; I think I'm annoying my family as well, in particular my stepbrother whose patience seems to have run out with me. I'm trying to be grateful for what I have but I feel so badly damaged and just want to curl up into a ball. I woke up in good time this morning but cried a lot. Then I met my godmother for a coffee this afternoon and cried some more. I think I'm seeking far too much reassurance at this point in time - I'm thinking I have to be perfect, but I'm just wanting reassurance that I don't have to be and it's okay to be bad. I feel like I'm drinking lots of bleach to dry and keep the dark stuff inside me at bay. I want to get better, but I am struggling. I don't know if anyone else will have had experience in this area but I kept wondering for weeks if God was trying to tell me something, to give something up and when I turned around and faced it, it was with the question 'Can I give this thing up?' I've prayed to God and I know God loves me but I am existing in a state of constant uncertainty now. I feel rather like I did six years ago, when I was at home with my parents while my Mum was suffering terminal cancer; I just want to curl up into a ball and disappear. I just feel God is asking something of me that I cannot deliver and I'm so tired, and don't know if it's OCD, or if it's something else. The truth of the matter is, I don't think I deserve to be happy and I deserve to be hard on myself. I'm also scared of sabotaging myself. All I can think is that I want to die before I do any more damage. Everything that makes me happy, I seem to lose or think I can't do it. Sorry to be so negative. I'm so sorry. C x

Darling, I absolutely understand but you were not to blame for his actions; he was responsible ultimately for himself. It's not you, or anyone else. Please take care of yourself and stay safe. This isn't your fault; it was his decision. C x

Thankyou Throwaway. Again, you are incredibly kind, and I thank you for your valuable input. I've been struggling recently because I don't know if God 'asked' me to do something a few weeks ago that I'm not sure I can deliver on. I've been very depressed recently and unable to move forward and I'm wondering; if I do this one thing, can I move forward and feel better? I wonder if God was talking to me, but it seems very black and white at the moment and I've been seeking reassurance (I know) from people. I've been advised to take a break from it and see what happens, and be compassionate with myself, but I find compassion is very, very hard to do as I feel something inside me has given up and I don't deserve to be happy, or fulfilled; I just feel like I could happily curl up and disappear. I know there's a problematic way of thinking, there, and I'm sorry. I'm just worried about sabotaging everything that I do. Many thanks again C x

Hi Demons I've been in a similar place recently. I love fanfiction but due to religious scrupulosity, believe I can't read it anymore. I'd be happier to have a longer DM with you on the subject as I know how it feels for OCD to ruin these things. Lots of love, C x

Thankyou, Throwaway I've been doing some thinking and I'm wondering if I am struggling from scrupulosity; I'm deeply unhappy at the moment. There's a lot of things I'm doing; combing Twitter for affirming people of faith and reaching out to them for reassurance and advice; emailing people for reassurance; asking my religious friends if I can speak to them; going to church to pray; picking a little Bible up from the shelf, scrolling to a random page - or not so random, as I've 'thumbed' some of the pages so often I land on them naturally - putting it back and then picking it up again. I keep visiting these fundamentalist websites to see if there's anything I need to take away from it and am wondering if I need to take the Bible more seriously, especially the passage on sexual ethics after discovering, much to my surprise, that there are gay Christians out there who stick to a traditional Biblical view despite their own sexuality and either marry someone of the opposite sex or remain celibate; realise how they live their lives has nothing to do with me and kudos to them for their bravery, and I know that that there are many gay Christians who don't think like that, but it's got me thinking I need to try harder in my own life and be more devoted and make more of an effort, make more sacrifices. I feel I'm being very clingy and a disappointment to everyone around me. I just don't feel happy anymore and rather feel as though I want to die, despite my dad rebuking me for this point of view and reminding me sharply that he loves me; to think of him, and to consider the memory of my mother who died of cancer. I told him last night that I just felt unable to carry on, and if someone told me I didn't have long left to live, I probably wouldn't be too upset about it, which upset him terribly and made him very angry; he told me my mother would never have thought like that during the course of her illness, which made me feel terrible as my Mum fought so hard to live. I feel bad for saying those things, but I just can't go on; I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't do anything. I can't even turn on the laptop anymore because I fear giving into compulsions and revisiting those websites and not being able to focus on my writing. I feel I can't read any adult material anymore, because it's a 'temptation' and I need to have a 'purer' view of sex, according to the Bible and if I repented of it a few weeks ago - in what may have been a voice of God thing, or an OCD thing - then I'm not taking it seriously. I can't take anything at a chilled view anymore, and feel I need to take everything seriously. I can't see any hope and am ruminating all the time; I read an article yesterday about people turning to religion during this lockdown and I don't know what to make of that - should I be more devout, try harder? Trouble is, I've been badly affected by this online stuff and it just keeps rattling around in my head. I'm even wondering about leaving my dad's house and going back to my houseshare because my anxiety is my constant companion now and I wonder if I left would the associations of anxiety fade, especially as this is the fourth time in the course of my life that I've had a prolonged OCD-anxiety period at my parent's house, and the memory of all those previous times just crawls up on me. I think my stepbrother, who lives with us, is getting impatient with me; he's been very supportive up to till now but more recently he's been telling me to stop feeling sorry for myself and to set myself some goals. And I'm trying, but I just feel unable to focus. The worst part? I'm worried even if I do get better, I'll screw it all up because I'm so used to worrying. I just think all this is happening, because there's something inside me that's wrong and I'm not making the effort to fix it; is it because I know, deep down, there are wrong things that I'm doing in my life, and I refuse to fix them because I simply don't want to? What will happen to me when I die? I'm tired. I'm so sorry and I'm so tired. C x

Darling, I am so, so sorry, but I promise you, this is not your fault. As someone who has been and who still is in a suicidal state of mind now, I'm telling you, it isn't you. It was not your doing. It's everything going on inside the other person's mind that does it, it's nothing on the outside. And it sounds like you were both struggling and from where I'm standing, giving the relationship a break was the best strategy - you could both support one another but also focus on yourselves. I'm so sorry that this happened, but please do not blame yourself. C x

Hi everybody Thanks very much for all the lovely birthday wishes - against the odds, it ended up being one of the loveliest birthdays that I've ever had! I had spent a couple of years worried about how I was going to celebrate this particular milestone, and actually, lockdown made it far lovelier than I ever thought it could. I had a panic in the middle of the day; I didn't believe that I deserved such spoiling from my friends and actually began to panic and think I would be better off dead; I retreated to a tent we currently have erected in the middle of the garden that's become my safe space, and panic-texted a friend who has also dealt with her own mental health issues; she was able to calm me down and help me see the problem from a new perspective. My nieces then arrived and the rest of the day was wonderful. We had a full, noisy day full of treats and now it's the evening and I don't want to spoil it with my OCD tirade, but I think I may have a problem that needs addressing as I'm currently dealing with compulsions and I don't want to end what was such a lovely day on a horrible note and theology comparisons. As many of you guys know, recently my fear has been based online and my OCD is quite strong with this one as I have a constant OCD cycle going on. Back in March I discovered a very upsetting fundamentalist Christian website and long story short, my big fear, every time I turn the computer on, is that I'll revisit it, even though I know it upsets me and triggers my OCD badly. I don't agree with what they're saying and have had reassurances to the contrary, assuring me that they're wrong and extremist from friends of mine but keep feeling bound to go back to check that this is still the case, as my big fear is that they are right; even when I'm not online I'm thinking about it and mentally checking as to whether or not I agree with them and fear being brainwashed. I feel like I have a massive mental block in my head; I can't write or read LGBT stories anymore and it feels as though my quality of life has dropped. Whenever I do turn the computer on I get that itching fear; I get genuinely scared of turning on my laptop now. I don't even know what I'm doing here; other than the fact that this website scares me and yet I can't switch off. I just feel very mentally stuck and don't know what to do about it; I can't get past it and it makes the quality of my lockdown life, day to day, very difficult. I'm resisting the urge to go back and visit the site - just thinking about it right now is making me tetchy and irritable - and I'm wondering if God is trying to tell me something, if God wants me to learn a few things and become a more devout Christian, as I just can't seem to get past it and even if I do, it'll come back to haunt me somehow; it's like I want something to worry about, like I want something to 'feel wrong' so I can feel naughty. I just feel so stuck and don't know where to go from here. I feel like such a fool for doing this to myself. Any help would be much appreciated. Sorry to sound like a nutcase and if this is offensive to anybody. I just have a massive vicious cycle in my mind and it's upsetting and my online CBT doesn't seem to be helping. C x

Thankyou so much for that, Cup. That's rather reassuring, in its own way. You've outlined the feelings quite well. I'll try not to put too much pressure on myself, thankyou. Thankyou for the empathy and the kindness. ❤️ C x

Hey guys How are we all? My best friend came down today and took me out of my head for a while, so that was really lovely. We had a wonderful time. It's my thirtieth birthday tomorrow and I'm feeling overwhelmed and a little ashamed of myself. Over the past few months I've fought a difficult OCD battle and I'm scared about the impact that the disorder is having on me. But I'm also scared that on some level, I've just given up and will let the OCD take over completely because I don't think that I deserve to be happy; happiness is something that belongs to other people, not to me. But on another level I've grown used to an OCD way of thinking. I have a lot of rumination in my head at the moment, a vicious cycle of thought and I'm scared of sabotaging myself. But more recently, I've exposed myself to people who have made me feel as though I don't deserve to be happy - that I need to try harder as a Christian to resist temptation, obey God's voice, make sacrifices, etc - and feel like I don't deserve to enjoy the things that I want to enjoy. Even crazier, it's like on some level I want them to be a bit forbidden, a bit taboo? I know that sounds mad. I just feel very sad and more than that, I feel like I don't make an effort; the words of these people have been rattling around my head for days and months and I'm worried I'm quietly letting myself become brainwashed without a fight and keep wondering 'what if they're right?' and seeming to deliberately make life difficult for myself. I've been very, very tired. I've had a lot of love - and birthday cards sent - for tomorrow and yet I feel I deserve none of it and that I won't get out of this. It's just making me want to curl up quietly and die, before I make things worse for myself. I know this is a depressing post the night before my thirtieth birthday, but I feel like I need to be honest as I'm honestly feeling frightened that I have nothing left to give; I'm scared of self-sabotage and of good things in case I ruin them. For example, I was looking forward to seeing my best friend today, but I wouldn't let myself get too excited in case I wrecked things. I forgot once or twice that it was my birthday tomorrow at all. I know this is a weird post; I'm a worrier and I'm used to worrying, which makes me doubt myself. My best friend was pointing out all the good things I have and I feel bad for not making more of them; it makes me feel ungrateful and fixated on one or two things and to that end, that my family would be better off without me if I can't focus on the things I have. Lots of love and apologies if I sound strange. Thankyou for all the support even though I sound like a maniac. C x

Well, I went out for a walk today with my stepbrother and his girlfriend today and we lay down in the grass of the fields for ten minutes. It was lovely.