Cub

Hi everyone How are we all? I've had a bit of a saga today; I went into work as was due but we have to fill out a covid questionnaire. I was feeling very tired and have had funny tummy; more an anxiety thing than anything but I decided to flag it up to the TLs to be on the safe side. Long story short, I've been sent home until further notice. I'm struggling so hard at the moment and I don't enjoy anything anymore. All I do is lie in bed on my days off and scroll on my phone. I can't seem to be happy. I keep thinking that maybe I'm doing stuff wrong but don't have the courage to change or cut things out of my life that may not be good for me, and may be adding to my uncertainty or unhappiness due to my anxiety, but which I can't seem to let go. I'm fully aware there are more important things out there; maybe I'm thinking in black and white terms. I'm just so tired all the time and feel unhappy generally - the main issue, though? I can't seem to stop worrying. All I seem to do is worry and fret. I had an anxiety attack the other night and it doesn't take much to set me off and after being sent home today I wondered if it might be time to end my life; I seriously considered just jumping off the motorway bridge. I don't think I have the courage to change and that makes me worse. I feel really scared and lonely and don't know who to turn to. I feel useless and like a failure. C x

I'd like to recommend the OCD Work book's partner - Everyday Mindfulness for OCD. It's a wonderful book that's really helped me and taken the edge off some of my compulsions.

I can only imagine how stressful that must be. I'd like to recommend another book if I may, one that's helped me - Everyday Mindfulness for OCD. It has been greatly helpful in my own life. One particular piece of advice is when the urge hits - let it run naturally for a minute and let the sludge out and then let the water run clear. Give yourself that beat of time. I don't know how useful that advice is to you but it's useful to me. Your fears of contamination are quite like my own fears of my thoughts and actions - thinking that everything needs to be contained, that hyper-responsibility. It's not your fault. You're just like this because you're a good, caring person. ❤️ C x

Welcome, Paul Sorry to hear of your trouble. The pandemic has been deeply stressful for so many; you're not alone and you're not to blame. I had a nervous breakdown VERY early in if that helps and I've been suffering from a deep depression. Don't blame yourself for struggling. I came back from the shops today after being in Tesco with people who refused to distance or wear masks and had a shower. Contamination usually doesn't get to me but due to my landlady's job and a somewhat low hygiene count in our house I've become more paranoid. We're all here for you and happy to help. C x

Hi Malina, thanks for checking in, Things are okay, I suppose, but I feel a bit isolated in myself. I'm struggling generally and feeling as though everyone would be better off without me; I don't know what to do to help myself feel better, because I feel I make myself worse. The things I turn to for respite are things that make me feel anxious because I feel so guilty over them and like I don't deserve to love myself. I took today off work; I feel better at night and it's like my brain wants to do several things at once, so I'm having trouble sleeping. I feel sad because I went home to my dad's for the weekend and thought it would be nice; instead, I struggled because having spent lockdown there in a less-than-stellar mental state, I started to relapse again and even cried. I almost couldn't wait to leave; part of me wanted to stay, because I miss my family, but the rest of me wanted to go so I could get out of that mental state. It makes me afraid to go home when I feel like that and so I'm going to try and change my room around so I can lose those mental associations. I've been like this for a long time now and I feel guilty for the reasons why I feel so anxious and ruminate constantly, mentally, in a bid to gain control; I don't know how to handle it in any manner and I'm stressed all the time. My online therapy has ended and I felt relieved, but one thing the therapist told me is that me committing suicide would mess up my family, including my two little nieces. But - and this is going to sound so incredibly selfish - I found out yesterday that due to their parents' divorce, my nieces may be moving away from near my Dad's, going up north for better schooling and family connections elsewhere. I get that they need to live near their dad, and that they need better opportunities and schooling but I'm going to miss them so much. The concept of not seeing them so often feels like the loss of a lifeline - they're one of the few reasons I'm alive and I wonder if their potential departure might end up being a lost incentive to stay so. I know how terrible that sounds - I get a lot of joy from my nieces and I can't rely on them emotionally to keep me alive - that wouldn't be fair on them. I need to find my own way of coping. And I know I'm worst-case-scenario-ing it; we won't be stopped from seeing the girls in anyway but it will be harder knowing they're not nearby. I'm ruminating a lot at the moment over little things in my life; I feel like I've lost so much spark and joy and can't do certain things without feeling guilty and upset - so then I try and obliterate that guilt and make myself worse. I ruminate over little stories I write - 'how' to make them acceptable for publication; I write what gives me pleasure and then I edit and I ruminate endlessly over the editing process. I'm getting aches and pains from how tense I am. I keep saying prayers because I feel I 'should' say them but I don't mean them. I hate myself for what I'm thinking; like I want things to worry about, want things to be wrong and I feel like I just want to die. I'm distracted and upset and don't know what will make me happiest. I wish I could be more confident in myself, because I don't feel it right now and feel I deserve to die. C x

Thankyou everyone for your empathy, your kind thoughts and wishes. It's always reassuring to know I can share the thoughts of suicide as they make me feel so guilty and so terrible. I feel like I'm being a bad daughter when I feel like this and that I'm letting my family down. I had online therapy over the summer but I don't think it really helped. I know I should be glad to have had help but I found the sessions to be very difficult; maybe because they were online and typed, rather than face-to-face and they just felt hard, in every sense of the word. I had another counsellor briefly who helped me more but once the official online therapy started he had to pull back because he didn't think it was a good idea to see two different professionals at the same time. I keep having mini-breakdowns at work; my team-leaders are very understanding but the changes in the system right now mean things are a little more challenging than usual. I keep praying, or saying things I don't mean, asking for forgiveness for things I don't really mean, or ruminating. I was a little better today, but it is hard. I have to really pull back on looking up upsetting things online. It's been hard being away from home; I know I'm with my friends and I need to rediscover my independence but I miss my family. And yet being away is probably best. I blame myself for how I'm feeling. Thanks for the kind words, all and for the comfort. One day at a time. ❤️ C x

*hugs* Friend, you read my mind. I feel sad and frustrated a lot of the time and am often trying to make it go away.

Hi everyone How are we all doing? Sorry to sound so gloomy and repetitive. I know there's a lot going on today in the world and I feel guilty. But I can't seem to cope. The last few days, I've been feeling more and more depressed. I know I need to pick myself up but I don't know what to do. I know I'm tired from being back at work and yesterday I considered throwing myself over the stair railing and falling several feet. I'm frightened all the time; I feel bad because it's like I 'need' something to worry about to stay in control, as ridiculous as that sounds. If I don't have anything to worry about, I start to panic. I can't trust feelings of happiness or relief anymore, because they never last; it feels like overconfidence and I've learnt not to trust those feelings because the rug will be pulled from under my feet. At work, I always want to go home; when I get home, although I try to give myself a schedule, it's hard to get up. I just feel heavy and I am trying to organise my evenings. But I was ruminating all day today, going around my head in circles. I suffer from religious OCD as you guys know and I'm praying constantly; for God to change me even though I don't want to change and wondering if God wants me to give something up that I don't want to give up; if I'm overthinking it and should just do what God asks. I wonder if I should give the thing up and if I'm a terrible sinner, and what will happen to me after I die. I've been exposing myself to upsetting websites which make me feel worse as they urge you to make so many sacrifices for God and I wander if I love God enough and if I have any right to call myself a Christian, even. I have a mental cycle going on in my mind; 'should I give this thing up and cut off all ties to it?' It feels like I should but I don't want to; I go over the specifics and think, 'well, it's not that harmless,' 'it's not black and white' 'it's a good, romantic, harmless thing' and every time I try and mentally review the possibility of giving it up, like a mental compulsion, I just make myself worse. I was further triggered by a friend who spoke about 'surrendering to God' to change her and I wondered if I had to be more like that; to try harder and be more like her. I keep having wobbles; I feel better for writing all this down but I wonder how long feeling better will last as it's like I'm always looking for the next problem, like I always want something to feel wrong and I'm scared to relax in case I mess up. It makes me want to die, this feeling; what's worse is knowing that my family wouldn't want that, and it would have a negative impact and that just makes the feelings worse. I'd be leaving my brothers to pick up my dad; leaving my nieces traumatised. Being back at work has been a bit of a help, but due to the current regulations and my own mood, it's not as good as before. I can't bury myself in any good escapist thoughts; I'm always being caught by my mental rituals. It's rather making me want to stay at home and pull the duvet over my head. I'm so tired of myself and feel as though I deserve to die. I keep going over theoretical scenarios in my head and I feel so scared; that everything I am is on the line. I'm frightened. It's like I'm used to an OCD feeling. I just don't want to be here; I don't even want to go to work tomorrow. I just want to hide and disappear. It all feels like too much and I hate myself; I don't deserve this life. There's something wrong with me. C x

Go on, my son! I am super-proud of you. I know how hard that must be. It's scary, isn't it? I don't have much to be proud of right now but I guess I'm glad that I can seek help when necessary, and that I've been honest with my dad, stepmum and godmother. And really, that I'm just still alive. C x

Hey Rachel You are helping yourself - you came on here to share your story and seek help. That is a fantastic step and I'm so proud of you. If it helps, I had this trouble today as well. I turned on my laptop and felt the old urge to go onto a fundamentalist Christian website that I knew would upset me and almost gave in. Instead I turned my laptop off and went to find my landlady's dog for a cuddle and had a cry on her shoulder. She invited me to come and watch an episode of Rome with her but for a few moments, my mood just fluctuated. I can only imagine how you must be feeling because it's so upsetting, isn't it? All my love to you right now. I felt like I'd relapsed and was so upset with myself; I couldn't cope one little bit and it was like I'd regressed. We're both going to be okay. It helped to be in company for a bit and I find it helps to prioritise the things I need to do; so my best friend's birthday is soon and I need to finish this cross-stitch for her. This feeling will pass, I promise. Maybe do something nice for yourself? Like you, I'm trying to figure this out; I'm trying to 'figure out' if I believe what these people are saying and if this is the path for me. It's pouring down with rain and it's helped to open the blinds and just look at what's right in front of me. Lots of love to you, C x

Hi Cora I really appreciate your words of comfort, thankyou so much. Today is a bit difficult. I turned my laptop back on and I'm feeling the urge to visit that old triggering website that started all this nonsense. I recognise that this is a waste of my time and it doesn't seem to be for any reason other than to simply upset myself. I can't write anymore on my laptop because I feel the urge and I don't know what to do; am I sinning by resisting it? I feel so lost and confused and upset and feel like I want to turn to someone for help and reassurance; suddenly, I don't want to be on my own. I know I have to switch my laptop on at some point but I'm struggling so hard right now not to visit the site and feeling so ashamed; what if I have to visit the site? What if they're right and I'm wrong? What if God is guiding me to visit the site? I feel so lonely and upset with this and this is making me feel so bad. Appreciate the kind words. Will try and resist the urge. I hate feeling so sad. I thought I was past this nonsense. C x

Hi everyone Sorry to sound so gloomy but I'm not doing well. I'm struggling with my head and I don't know what to do. My head hurts from aching and I just want to die. Recently, I've been struggling with some stuff in my life; I wonder if I'm being called to give something up that I don't want to and am dragging my heels. I keep going over and over it in my mind and can't stop and feel very low. I wonder if I can't move on until I've resolved it; I've been really struggling at work and keep failing. My head feels so heavy. I keep fretting over religious stuff and thinking, 'If I don't give this up, maybe I'll go to Hell.' I'm not sure how I feel about the afterlife and am not sure if I necessarily believe in the kingdom of heaven, or if I'm good enough to get there. I just keep thinking 'Maybe God wants me to give this up' and then thinking 'But I don't want to and if I do this, then what about that, what about the changes I have to make as a consequence, what about the comforts I'll lose, what does this mean about me, what about this, what about that' and wonder if I'm overthinking and should do as God is telling me. I'm so stressed out and so tired; I have all these anxieties and wonder if I need to give this thing up so I won't be worried anymore, but then keep going around in circles and I hurt so badly. I feel like a sinner and don't deserve to be happy if I'm not willing to try harder. I was ruminating all day at work and I feel so weak; I can barely walk and just feel awful all the time. I don't feel happy anymore; do I need to be happier by being a better Christian and giving this thing up, or do I just try and be kind to myself? I don't know what to do and feel terrible. I wonder if giving this thing up would resolve the issue or make it worse; it's complicated, a harmless thing that's a matter of personal judgement but I just can't stop thinking things over and I'm not happy; I'm not writing anymore, I'm eating too much and all I want to do is sleep. Sorry to be so gloomy. Things are hard. C x

Cora, I assure you, I am in no way disappointed in you, nor do I think you've done anything wrong. I know your OCD is hurting you and it's all very well telling someone not to worry but like me checking websites I knew would upset me, you can't help but feel obsessed by this. And it shows you're a good person because this is just one of those moments we all have in our lives. I would advise - if you can - to try and feel the fear and do it anyway with the knowledge that these are just feelings - like a failed Dalek lifeform in Doctor Who, you just let them die. I promise you I am not getting any inappropriate vibe from you and your brother's bond; just two people who love each other. OCD urges are strange. Try the 'so what?' route and see what happens. Your brother still loves you. We still love you. Nobody has been hurt. Stay strong - this will pass, I promise. C x

Perhaps ringing the doctor will help, Cora. Explaining how you're feeling and checking in with the doc will help. I'm also going to give you a webcomic recommendation, Check Please. This explores anxiety and mental health as part of its themes and it really helped me understand why I was anxious. You're anxious because you care and because you're a good person and are in need of self-care and distraction. I will be the last person to tell you off because I know how hard it is to let go - that's been me over the past five months and I'm only now starting to feel better. It will take time; talk to the doctor and see what the options are. And don't blame yourself for having a disorder. Also if you can, pick up the OCD mindfulness workbook and look at some of the work of Mark Freeman. C x

Cora, I also want constant reassurance and often ask people if they think I'm a bad person. You're having a relapse; progress isn't linear and you're not to blame. You will get past this; give yourself a chance to breathe. Don't be hard on yourself for having a disorder and try to find some little distractions, though I realise this is difficult given the circumstances. ❤️