Cub

I am you, you are me. Hugs!

Thanks for this. I could do with a bit of compassion to self - I'm starting a new job on Saturday and I'm feeling stressed and can't settle to anything. I'm terrified of sabotaging myself and ruining everything and just want to get it over and done with but I can't relax and am just counting down the hours until I can start. It's really hard to chill and the fear of self-sabotage - of having bad thoughts on purpose, of having promise thoughts etc just to give me something to worry about - is intense. I just cannot settle to a single thing and feel incredibly tired but unable to relax. I guess it's all been a bit of a shock; I wasn't expecting to get the job! I'm terrified of messing up on my first day by oversleeping etc (which is something I've done in my current job a fair...a fair few times, yeah). Thanks for the compassionate thread. I'll try to be good to myself. Maybe another cup of tea and some scotch pancakes with butter.

Hi everyone How are you all doing? Sorry for disappearing again. I've been on reduced work hours but recently went back to normal thankyou to everybody who lent support during this period. I've been having online therapy as was in a bad place and was feeling suicidal and like a failure. I'm happy to report my mood has improved and I no longer feel suicidal. I am struggling though. My therapist and I have been looking at CBT, breathing techniques and problem solving but I've got a stupidly significant problem - compulsive praying aside, which I'm still working through - and I wanted to talk about it here because of how it's making me feel. I have a sense that I have spoken about it before. When I first came onto this forums 17 years ago with religious OCD I had been distressed with the idea that I had committed the unforgivable sin ie. blasphemy against the Holy Spirit which I know is a common source of distress. My psychologist at the time explained that it wasn't having bad thoughts about the holy spirit, it was other things. I still have trouble understanding it sometimes and find myself googling 'just to be safe.' I think it's far to say I'm still a little tense in this area though I am generally more relaxed if not the most devout person you'll find these days; I've become a lot naughtier which has been good for me. I am still struggling with a very specific issue though; my love of the show Good Omens. Obviously it's about a demon and an angel saving the world, a bit of a laugh about religion and they're best friends, and shared a kiss at the end of series 2, with many fans pairing them together and writing fanfiction about it. Obviously this is all fine and I love reading a good love story, but I struggle with the out and out reality of writing an angel and a demon - however fictionalised - being together as a couple as I can't shake the feeling I'm doing something wrong and that I'm *sigh* blaspheming against God in an unforgivable way, by placing a (fictional) divine being together with a (fictional) demon of Hell who is unforgiven. This isn't helped by the demon - played by David Tennant (whose father was a minister, for crying out loud ) describing himself as 'unforgivable' in the first series even there's a lot of other stuff about how he 'didn't mean to fall' etc. I get really, really caught up in this. I know there's so much terrible stuff going on in the world and we all have better things to worry about. It's been a worry ever since the show started and every time I write a fanfic I have to go through so many mental gymnastics, semantics and theological knowledge to the point where I worry I'm going mad. I once burst into tears after writing and publishing such a fanfic even though it was about love and kissing and cuddling and is obviously just fanfiction. But I just can't shake the feeling that I'm doing something wrong. Every time I get a brainstorm I start to worry and I just can't let go. I know this is a very specific thing and I'm trying not to take it too seriously. I love the show but I don't like how I feel and I've been very distressed. I have sought religious reassurance and googled before. I'm scared of losing access to the show altogether; I'm scared of putting myself in a place where I can't stop worrying about it and where I won't be able to enjoy it anymore because the obsession has become second-nature and frighteningly, I'm used to feeling like that. I worry about what will happen if I lose the obsession - I know I can't gain 100% certainty. I've struggled for years; one of my previous obsessions was that I blasphemed against God by making a promise in my head that I couldn't keep so this is a reoccurring theme. I didn't know where else to put this and I don't know what others reading this will make of it. It feels good to talk about it, at the very least as it was filling my head with confusion. I've still got a lot of work to do. Guess I'm going to watch Miranda and eat some spaghetti bolognaise; laterz and thankyou for reading. C x

This is a nice thing to read and very comforting. I'm having this problem right now, so thankyou for sharing your thoughts and some nice imagery.

Hi all Figured while I'm back here, why not share some of my wider struggles. Yay. Had a bit of a tough weekend as have fallen back on some old bad habits which have left me truly ashamed. Let's just say it pertains to the religious side. I've obviously been a part of this forum since I was 17 with religious OCD and I'm sure a lot of you will have heard it all before. Right now, I'm really struggling with compulsive prayer and over the last week it's been particularly bad. In particular I keep wondering if everything I'm doing is wrong and if I need to pray harder. Unfortunately, I think a friend's well-meaning advice from a few years back is to blame - I had to distance myself from her for my own mental health but basically I'm not letting my guard down and praying things I don't necessarily want but feel I should be praying for, based on her own advice and experience. As part of my compulsions I'm visiting super religious websites to 'check' my own reaction and make sure I still disagree with them. I'm feeling so ashamed of this. I'm feeling a lot of stuff right now and of course it does feel good to talk about it and rein it in a little. But I do feel very, very ashamed. This isn't the person I want to be. Cub

Thankyou for the kind words, everyone.

Hello everyone Happy New Year. I would like to begin this by saying a heartfelt thankyou to all who have supported me lately. I'm currently on reduced hours at work still; I haven't been on the forum properly for a long time but have been dealing with depression and anxiety. Of course OCD plays its part and I'm recognising compulsions in the fact of my prayers for forgiveness everytime I have a 'bad' thought. So I'm working on that and trying to resist. I'm currently dealing with the acknowledgement of what was lost. December marked ten years since my Mum's death from cancer. She was my staunchest supporter when I was diagnosed with OCD half a lifetime ago and I miss her. In many ways, having OCD brought me closer to my parents because they made me feel safe. But in the three years leading up to my mum's diagnosis and death, I let it all get the better of me. I spent the last two years of my Mum's life wrapped up in the guilt of a certain 'promise' thought I'd had and which I felt I had had on purpose, which I felt I had to keep and it seized me. I was also unemployed as a fresh Uni graduate, didn't know what I wanted to do with my life and felt alone. I was rowing with my parents a lot and so wrapped up in my own mental health matters and OCD that I just wasn't fully engaged with my Mum. I know I did my best and I was there at the end but it wasn't enough. Now, years later, I realise how stupid I was and I'm feeling so sorry that I let my Mum down. I know there's a lesson in here but it feels like poison is being released only after it's done a number on my system. I feel I've been a very silly, silly woman and I don't think I can forgive myself for not engaging with Mum because of my own selfishness. Thanks for reading. I'm not expecting a reply. I just wanted to share with people who might get it. C x

Hi Xoli It's funny you should ask because I recently had a similar fear of faking or exaggerating my symptoms during a bad anxiety episode and I remember having something like it during my A-Levels. I will say this: OCD lends irrationality to everything. God knows I've experienced that a lot again lately. What feels ridiculous to many makes sense to those with OCD. And it can feel so random and yet so real that it almost feels like a lie. OCD can make anything feel real. But on a very simplified level, it is what it is and sometimes we will question what led us to a certain place. But it's not our fault. It's just what our heads do. What our chemical inbalance does. We can only try to deal. We can only do our best and I'm sure you're doing yours. C x

Alinora, thankyou for your additional message, which is really sweet of you. I was just writing the above when you wrote in. Many thanks.

I really appreciate your help and validations on this, thankyou. Unfortunately my mind is not letting up and won't leave it alone. I know I've been through the proper channels and gone to the doctor but I keep overanalysing everything and why I did what I did and said what I said and I know I was unwell. I went to the doctor partly because my best friend advised me to go (and they spoke to me on the day of the depression and the day of the anxiety attacks because I reached out to them for help) and I didn't want to let my best friend down by not seeking help and my dad also advised me to go to the doctor as did my work medic and TL. But it's like my brain is making me feel that I called work and just said 'not coming in for a while, lol bye' when I know that's absolutely not true. But it's making me feel like I lied or exaggerated when I know I only said what was happening and what I felt was wrong. I keep obsessing what I said about food because I was off it a bit and not wanting much for a minute and the day I came in feeling sick it was worsened by being in the back of an Uber with a very strong leather smell. So it's little things like that: did I exaggerate? I feel I don't deserve good things or to rest. I feel like I should have gone to work and then I would feel better just plodding along and tried to tackle it on my own or had 'more validation' if it got worse and more reason to have time off with less guilt. I feel I should have been a lot worse but every one has told me it was the doctor's call. Then I think about how she asked me about it and wonder if I manipulated the situation somehow because she offered to do it for me and I was hoping for a doctor's note for the time gone to back me up in an upcoming sickness meeting, not for another two weeks. I just keep thinking this is all my fault and analysing it from every angle and don't know how to stop. My dad and stepmum are trying to support me but I can tell they're not sure how to handle this. I keep telling them I feel guilty and they've suggested I can go back earlier if that's how I feel, which confuses me more and makes me wonder if it's good or bad. I feel I can't make the most of this rest time but if I go back will I feel good or worse? And what will that mean for me? I fully appreciate this is most likely OCD and we don't want to turn this message thread into a ring-around-the-roses reassurance cycle. But I honestly don't know what to do. I actually feel like I did during the pandemic, feeling helpless with all this time on my hands and unable to make the most because I'm worrying constantly. I really appreciate everyone's thoughts and validation on this matter and am grateful for the patience. I'm trying to enjoy myself but I feel I don't deserve it - and now I have a headache. Best Cub x

Hello, Aking and Alinora Thanks for that. I'm starting to see that there is a lot of anxiety attached. I'm very very tired. I was afraid that I had exaggerated how bad it was to the doctor without meaning to - everything I told was the truth and I'd been having trouble with eating and nausea but maybe not as much as I thought? It's little things like that: my fear that I had lied without meaning to and 'didn't need' time off. I couldn't stop that need for reassurance but I spoke to the doctor today and explained my feelings. He was very understanding and said the same thing as was said here. I guess what I'm feeling is part of the condition - crippling guilt and anxiety. I started to get very depressed earlier in the day and was having suicidal thoughts again (which is when I called the doctor). I just couldn't stop the anxiety. I do feel better now but I can't stop that feeling of 'did I exaggerate? Am I not as ill as I thought?' It does feel like being in a vicious cycle and I guess because it did this to me, made me feel as though taking time off was making it worse. I guess it's all the same thing. My dad and my stepmum are trying their best to be supportive but I feel guilty - my dad had a very long dental procedure today and this is his and my stepmum's last week together for a few weeks because she's flying abroad next week to see family and I feel like I'm spoiling it all. My best friend is on holiday and I don't want to bother them - they've done so much for me alright. Thanks for the support and the validation. It's amazing how guilt and anxiety can worm their way back into your head. I've just been tired and disassociated and trying to keep going. Thanks again Cub x

Hi all Been a while, I know. I hope you're all okay. Got a bit of an...unusual one I should say. I'd been doing well - I had COVID back in July which was tricky and got some worries of contamination going as I didn't want to infect anyone (it's just me and my landlady and she was chill but there was a lot of cleaning down of surfaces). Over the last couple of weeks, I'd been struggling. I was feeling tired and depressed a lot - I don't quite know when or why it started, only that I was going to work numb and didn't want to go though obviously I did. I was having vivid dreams which proved upsetting. There were a lot of changes happening in my workplace and subsequently a lot more noise and a lot more crowds. I found myself worrying more, especially ahead of days off which I've been finding tricky lately as negative feelings seem to follow and I was worrying myself stupid the night before a day off in case those feelings returned. I couldn't relax and didn't even want to go swimming which I've taken up lately. Last Tuesday I found myself unable to cope and get out of bed and was shaking a lot. I couldn't even pretend and just hid under the weighted blanket. My room was a mess and I couldn't find the energy to clean it. I had a job interview the next day and was disassociated from the idea of the whole thing. Then on Friday, I woke up feeling sick and awful and went into work, not feeling my best. I went to the medic and she sent me home. I took the next day off as well and on Sunday, when out and about, had a massive anxiety attack. It started as soon as I left the house and by the time I got to my destination I was shaking, disassociated, feeling frightened and ready to burst into tears but texted the shout helpline after failing to get through to Dad. I called my Dad that night in tears - my work had been badly staffed over the weekend and I felt I was letting everyone down, including my family and I was aware of how worse other people had it, trying to keep things ticking over - and he advised me to skip work and go to the doctor, same advice as my best friend had given me as it had been a rough week. The doctor was very kind and sympathetic and she asked if I would like a fit note as she felt I was struggling with work. She asked me if I would like four weeks or two and I went for two and she gave me the note. I was initially relieved but now I cannot shake the feeling of guilt. I feel as though I wasn't 'bad enough' to warrant getting a sick-note and keep going through my texts and tweets from the last fortnight to assure myself I was, or explaining my guilt to others in the hopes that they will reassure me. Part of me feels that if I had just carried on with work I would feel better and I'm terrified that people are judging me and that I am being weak and unaware of other people's pain. I almost feel like I want to break the sick-note and go back to work early because then I won't feel guilty anymore but I know that will look more suspicious than anything. I feel like I want constant reassurance that I did the right thing and I know the doctor offered me the sick-note, not the other way around. I just feel I wasn't ill enough to warrant it, that I could have been stronger and the guilt and anxiety is eating me alive. I feel if I had tried more with the help I had been given I wouldn't be in this position now and am already trying to find the words and explanation for work as I fear getting into trouble. It feels like I brought myself a big bundle of salty chips I didn't need and won't finish and will end up going to waste. To make things even worse, I'd been doing pretty well. It doesn't take much to make me feel like a waste of space and have suicidal thoughts but I hadn't had them in months. But now this has happened and it's like I 'need' something to worry about. This worries me even more and makes me feel more of a failure. You get used to living with the pressure of OCD and I'm terrified I want to make something happen because I'm so used to it - yet recently I've been more relaxed and learning to live a life without it. I know that sounds weird but that's why I'm sharing my feelings to try and gain control. I'm so scared of self-sabotage and was frightened on Sunday that that would happen, which feels more of a reason to just carry on as usual. I don't know what to do. I'm worried that I'm going to spend the next fortnight worried sick and it's going to be a vicious cycle. I feel I'm placing a lot of emphasis on work and it's all I have - I'd taken on an extra shift or two recently for the money and I find myself thinking of it on my days off. I've felt like a bit of a sad loser and like I don't have much of a balance. I'm trying to keep busy and set a routine but I can't stop the guilt because I feel okay and I feel that I should have been worse before I accepted the note or tried harder to get myself better. Apologies, I know this is a lot to take in. I'm with my dad and stepmum and trying to keep busy and set a daily routine. But I just feel so, so guilty and like I could have tried a lot harder and been better. I feel pathetic and like a weakling and like I should have been better. Thanks for reading. Best wishes. Cub x

Hi KCBell I know exactly what you mean. My Mum died of cancer ten years ago when my OCD was very bad and I was living in a city where I felt very lonely and often my OCD was my only companion. This was very, very hard. I'm better now, but I find little things like cross-stitch, going for walks, helps a lot. See what things you can do. It does get better, I promise. See what you might be interested in but don't be hard on yourself. It can be hard to enjoy yourself with OCD, but start by getting fresh air, and seeing what's out there. C x

I absolutely sympathise, Garfield, and my first tip is - please, please be kind to yourself. Even after dealing with OCD half my life, I still feel that urge for reassurance, and wanting to go over things in my mind to 'check' everything is okay. It does take time and patience and experience. My advice would be the old adage: if it feels like OCD, it probably is. In the same way that a duck is a duck. Of course, we're always looking for reassurance that it is definitely a duck and we're allowed to let go of our fears. When I was going through this a few years ago, I likened it to jumping from one cliff edge to the other, mentally - I had to make that leap. I had to feel that fear and jump over and before I knew it, I was on the other side. Or like when you let go of the side of a swimming pool; letting go can be very, very hard. But please be kind to yourself and let yourself give it a go. You're allowed to let go. I don't know if it helps at all but OCD and scrupolosity really damaged my relationship with religion. But time and growth has helped me realise that God is loving, an understanding parent who knows us and these things do no have to be compartmentalised. And whatever you believe, people will love you. The important thing is caring for yourself. Being hard on ourselves is part of the OCD cycle, so please remind yourself; if it feels like OCD, it is OCD. I was drawn to your post because I was giving into that old need for reassurance, but it's okay. Just remind yourself that you have OCD and you need to be kind to yourself. You don't have to be rigid - my theologian psychologist told me this and it helped a lot - and compartmentalise everything. Best Cub x

It's not your fault, Taurean. We're going to have relapses and look how well you do. Look how much you comfort and provide information. It's okay to need a sit-down occasionally. You're allowed to stop and regroup. For me, it's remembering that it's okay to feel the fear and do it anyway. It feels like jumping over a river everytime but it gets to the point where you barely realise you've done it. I'm still haunted by things from years ago but I remind myself to jump over the river. For me, I like soundscapes these days and ASMR sounds. Just sitting quietly and breathing; remembering that breath. Sometimes I'll be shaken up like a rattle. But that's okay. I've been in worse places and I know it'll get better. These feelings won't last forever. We're all here, and we're all doing okay. C x

I know - thanks, guys. It felt important to share these things and honestly - the irony of the thing had me more than anything else. I worry about God but I don't seem so worried about the kids? Also, I can't do this 'getting-better' thing completely on my own; it's good to share my story and remind myself that others go through this - not for reassurance, but just for reminders. Cheers, C x

Hi all, Been struggling lately and wanted to share a recent experience. I feel that it's important to share in order to keep recovery going and not letting it grip onto you; I've had to work very hard lately at not praying for forgiveness for 'bad thoughts' for remembering that it's flotsam and jetsam. It's been surprisingly hard. I'm also getting back into the habit of struggling to share my problems because I fear being judged. I'm an aunty to five beautiful niblings. The youngest is a year and a bit. A couple of weeks ago I was pushing his pram and we stopped by the side of the road. I had the horrifying idea of letting his pram go, but what horrified me even more was that I nearly did for a split-second; it was secure and stable and I think it would have been okay, but it was as if I realised what I was doing and immediately gripped back on. I obviously wouldn't have let the pram go into the road and I was surrounded by my family, and standing pretty fair back on the pavement, but I was tormented by the fact that I almost took my hands off the handle just for a second to test the stability of the thing. I felt terrible for hours afterwards, but I had to talk myself through it. I felt as though I had to feel the guilt, but I was there to help babysit and as harsh as it sounds 'didn't have time' to feel guilty. I had to tell myself it was OCD and get through it quickly. I'm really, really hoping that doesn't mean I'm psychopathic. I don't know if I should be proud of this. My OCD is lingering about again, trying to make me feel shame for other things, for 'not considering God enough' 'for being a disgrace' with certain behaviour. I couldn't help feeling slightly disgusted with myself for being so concerned about God, but getting rid of a worry about a child within a day. It feels like there's something wrong with me in that regard; that there's a sick irony here. That I worry about God, but I don't worry so much about the kids. There was also the fact that a few weeks ago, I was tormented by thoughts of bad things happening to my niece, and was scared that I 'wanted' the thoughts because I didn't chase them away. One minute I'm okay, but when the doubt gets hold of me again, it's hard to switch the guilt off, because I feel I should feel it; like I deserve to feel it even though it makes much more practical sense to keep going. I just find this unsettling and deeply ironic. I would die for my nieces and nephews but I know it's all very well saying that; I want to keep them safe and I know I can be trusted with them. But all this makes me feel as though there's something wrong with my priorities and my morals. Thanks for reading Best Cub x

Hi all Me again. Apologies for disappearing once more; been a busy summer with family. I'm posting not because I expect answers but because I don't know where else to go. Last night I had terrible thoughts about my niece getting hurt in the most terrible way and I'm scared that I wanted them; because I let them in and shaped them for a few seconds before praying for forgiveness. I'm scared because there felt like an element of curiousity and I didn't shoo the thoughts away and carry on. I've been praying compulsively for forgiveness and have become very tired very quickly and feel as though I should be punishing myself and I don't deserve to relax. I've been struggling to read and concentrate since and have been going over mental rituals in my head to try and figure out if I meant to have the thoughts. I know thoughts don't matter and thoughts aren't me and it's what we do that counts, but this feels like it's clinging on and I'm struggling to cope and feeling very, very guilty. I would never, ever hurt my niece and I don't want her to get hurt by anyone else; I would die for her if I had to. But right now that feels irrelevant; it still doesn't change the fact that I let these thoughts take shape for a few seconds in my mind out of some kind of curiousity and I hate myself for it. I'm experiencing feelings of depression and anxiety and found it hard to get out of bed and it's hard to dismiss it as OCD when I let myself have the thoughts in the first place. My brother is here with his baby and I'm finding that a good distraction, which I know is important, but the guilt lingers and I worry about being alone with my thoughts because then I pray for forgiveness all over again but right now it just doesn't feel like enough because I feel I had a downright evil moment of allowing these images in my head. And how can I be around one child when I had bad thoughts about another? I confess I have been struggling with compulsive praying for some time and it's only recently that I have taken steps to try and combat it; it got to the point where I was praying for forgiveness for a lot of stuff in my head and I knew it had to stop. I just feel I made this happen and feel terrible; I know that if it feels like OCD, it probably is. But there is a stripe of severe, genuine guilt there which makes this feel more real and makes me feel more evil. I haven't told my brother because I don't want him to feel it's best to leave if I'm stressed out like this, or because it doesn't make me a good host. I don't know what to expect from this post; in my bones I want someone to tell me it's okay and I am not evil but I know that this is reassurance-seeking behaviour. I know what my psychologist would probably say and I know thoughts are just thoughts. But I wanted to share this in the hope that at the very least, I could get it out of my system. I know I still have some work to do - right now, however, my lines are blurred. C x

Hello everyone I'm back again, after almost a three-year-long absence. The last time I was here was at the start of COVID. My current status is thus: I suffered from severe OCD for the first three months of the pandemic and considered suicide several times. I eventually went back on citalopram which took the edge off and gradually back to my senses. I'm back because over the past two weeks various things have happened at work which have prompted me to reassess myself. I'm about to move into my own place but am dreading it because I dread being alone with my thoughts and I seem to be struggling with time alone. This is when the OCD becomes the worst because I cannot, for the life of me, seem to stop worrying and now it feels like it's affecting my work-life balance. I dread being alone but I'm struggling in work; over the past two weeks, I was pulled in for a sickness meeting (my second in six months, having taken time off for mental health last year at various stages) and a lateness meeting (for which I received my first written warning that I've ever had, and a rather stern-talking to). I was also written up for a moment of stress in which I was inadvertedly rude to a superior, but other things were used against me as well, such as hurrying to get back to a position, and also moments when I've been on standby and have been quiet, when people have asked me about it, and I've just nodded with a grunt because I am dealing with various inward bad feelings at that time, or feeling overwhelmed and just waiting to hear what they need me to do next. During the talk other things were brought up; I have been quite sharp with customers over the last year and a couple of smaller things were mentioned over time; such as me being too loud when calling across to a customer to please leave a zone because we need it clear, holding up a hand to pause a customer while dealing with something else or clapping my hands at customers to get them to move along and make room for those behind. I just feel bad. The strain of the past few weeks has left me with severe anxiety, and a cough and a cold and I've been under so much strain. I worry so much about different things and I've managed to get myself in trouble in every single job I've ever been in. I just wonder if because perhaps I'm not dealing with my anxiety - maybe I need to try harder in therapy, or heighten my citalopram - it's affecting my work-life because I get impatient and snappish a lot, or just want to be quiet. I am still worried about things, and I still ruminate and I can't seem to imagine a life without it. I feel like a prisoner and also like a failure. I would really appreciate some advice from others right now. I feel very upset with it all and I wonder if I could try harder. My first ever psychologist said I didn't need medication; am I just beating around the bush? C x

Hi guys Happy New Year. Sorry not to have been around for a long time and thankyou for your responses. I'm really not okay at the moment - I'm feeling very depressed and sad and don't want to do anything. I'm almost afraid to go back to counselling because I'm scared of being judged for leaving it so long and I'm also scared it might not be the right help. But I feel as though I've had all the help under the sun I could possibly get; so many psychologists, therapists and counsellors and I'm on antidepressants for the third time. This feels like all my fault and like I don't deserve to be happy. I haven't been happy for the last eleven years; surely it's got to be something I'm doing wrong? It feels so much harder than it was when I was a kid. I feel ashamed for the compulsions I currently have; a friend told me last summer how she'd prayed to God to change her and it's had a negative influence. I'm doing the same thing now and it hurts so much because I feel like every time I do it, I'm cutting myself to the bone and follow it up with a prayer of 'I'm sorry, I didn't mean that,' and feeling guilty that I said something and apologised for something I don't mean. I feel like such a letdown and like I can't be left alone anymore. I'm very depressed and when my dad and stepmum have tried to comfort me, I've asked to be left alone. My stepbrother isn't helping either; he and his wife have taken over two other rooms in the house so I feel I have nowhere to escape to and I'm just in my room, and last week he was rude to my dad and I following a misunderstanding over a situation regarding his mother and never apologised. I just feel I'm a bad daughter, bad sister, and a bad friend and I honestly feel as though I want to end it. I cannot describe just how much I hate myself. This is never ever going to get better and if it's not going to get better then I might as well end it now. Thankyou for the support, the responses and for reading. C x

Hugs to you both. I'm older than you two but socialising at uni is very difficult. I was an awkward kid and didn't really fit in but luckily the people I lived with were understanding. As you go through your twenties you'll meet loads of different people. I lived in Cardiff for three years, moving there two years after I graduated for work and I had such trouble making friends and was very, very lonely - as well as very bored and isolated on a daily basis and so was sluggish and depressed. I finally found friends in my current job. It's okay if you don't quite fit somewhere. Just keep an eye out. You'll find your tribe. ?

Hi y'all How are we all doing? My workplace closed on Wednesday (FOR THE THIRD TIME!) due to London moving into tier 3 so I'm at leisure again. Quite pleased to have some time to myself and finish my dad's cross-stitch for Christmas. I'm doing okay generally but I'm still having trouble with things and I'm worried that this one is going to cause offence; if it does, I'm truly sorry. My problem right now is that I'm constantly hit by urges to go online and look up things that I know will upset and trigger me, even though I know that they're nothing to do with me. My obsession is with sexuality - I keep looking up stories of people who have decided to repress/deny their true sexuality for the sake of religion; I don't agree with it, and yet I keep feeling drawn to the stories of those who do it. I don't know why - maybe to test my reaction and seek assurance that I'm doing enough on my own path, and that I haven't missed anything. I do it on Google, twitter, tumblr...it's not good. It's nothing to do with me and it's not good. I'm just constantly seeking assurance about theology, and where there's ;people of faith who repress and deny there's people of faith who celebrate this and wondering if God wants me to do things I don't want to do, and wondering if I have to do them. But I get so upset and switch off after a few moments; I don't know if God wants me to take a hard path with myself and deny myself; to listen to these people's testimonies and to be more like them, which I don't want. I'm so confused. I'm sorry to be so weird. I feel awful about this and I hate myself. I've looked this up so many times and I'm tired. I know how selfish and terrible I sound and I'm tired. It takes a lot of distraction to take myself away from it. I'm much better than I was but these urges still linger. I'm having counselling and my citalopram is helping but I hate myself for these specific obsessions and don't know how to share them. I must be a bad person to feel this way. C x

Hi Malina Thankyou for the kindness. I'm doing okay; just feeling generally unhappy. I feel guilty and like I'm to blame. I'm reflecting on the fact that I'm feeling upset and sad and that I've been less happy over the past year than I have been for a while. I'm not quite sure what else to write tonight - only that I'm tired of myself and feel I don't deserve all the support I'm getting. Maybe I would be better off dead. C x

Hi everyone Hope you're all well. I haven't been around for a while as I've been adjusting to being back at work and then going on lockdown once more. But I'm back today. I'm feeling tentatively proud of myself because it's been a week today since my work closed and I'm managing to keep it more or less together (more or less). I'm still struggling and having the occasional suicidal thought, but I have a great support network of friends, and I have some cross-stitch projects to keep my occupied (as well as Sister Sister on Netflix ? ) I'm not the best at looking after my mental health; I'm trying, I'm really trying, but it's difficult. I'm going out for walks as often as I can and that helps enormously - that and the fact that the Citalopram is slowly working - but I still feel a bit empty. The biggest issue is my compulsions; I keep thinking I 'have' to say prayers that I don't actually mean, but it's like some part of me wants to say them and then I get really confused. I ask for forgiveness over very specific issues; I had a problem earlier in the summer and I asked a friend's advice about it. She responded by telling me that had surrendered to God to change her even though she didn't want to change and it got me thinking I should do the same thing. But every time I do, I just feel fake and I ask God for forgiveness for saying the prayer in the first place. I just seem to be struggling every day; I'm scared I'll never be happy again and every day will be the same mental health battle. I'm scared I'm always going to be like this and I'll never appreciate what's in front of me. I'm slowly realising just how ill I was this year and it's frightening to think of all that time wasted. Sorry to sound so pathetic. But it's like even when I'm happy, the OCD is always there, ready to jump out at me. What if I'm going around in circles for the rest of my life because I'm not trying hard enough to be a better person and accept God's forgiveness? What then? I know God is all-loving but I feel like a letdown, undeserving and a failure, all the same. C x

Hi Iron Many congratulations on the pregnancy! I understand this must be a stressful time for you. If the baby is only a few weeks along does that mean you haven't formally announced it yet and so might currently be dealing with it on your own without outside support? That's bound to make things more stressful. Let's be honest; this has been a very stressful time for everyone especially obsessive-compulsives and yes, we're being hit with a lot of contrary information. I find there is no shame in taking a step back - it sounds like you're trying your best and just want to protect your wife, child and expecting. Just do what you can - wear your mask and wash your hands constantly. If it's any consolation, at my workplace we've had people without masks, pregnant ladies, young babies etc. You say that you're researching - would that be a compulsion? I have trouble with Googling too. Just be kind to yourselves and each other and let go of what you can't control. C x