Cub

Hi KCBell I know exactly what you mean. My Mum died of cancer ten years ago when my OCD was very bad and I was living in a city where I felt very lonely and often my OCD was my only companion. This was very, very hard. I'm better now, but I find little things like cross-stitch, going for walks, helps a lot. See what things you can do. It does get better, I promise. See what you might be interested in but don't be hard on yourself. It can be hard to enjoy yourself with OCD, but start by getting fresh air, and seeing what's out there. C x

I absolutely sympathise, Garfield, and my first tip is - please, please be kind to yourself. Even after dealing with OCD half my life, I still feel that urge for reassurance, and wanting to go over things in my mind to 'check' everything is okay. It does take time and patience and experience. My advice would be the old adage: if it feels like OCD, it probably is. In the same way that a duck is a duck. Of course, we're always looking for reassurance that it is definitely a duck and we're allowed to let go of our fears. When I was going through this a few years ago, I likened it to jumping from one cliff edge to the other, mentally - I had to make that leap. I had to feel that fear and jump over and before I knew it, I was on the other side. Or like when you let go of the side of a swimming pool; letting go can be very, very hard. But please be kind to yourself and let yourself give it a go. You're allowed to let go. I don't know if it helps at all but OCD and scrupolosity really damaged my relationship with religion. But time and growth has helped me realise that God is loving, an understanding parent who knows us and these things do no have to be compartmentalised. And whatever you believe, people will love you. The important thing is caring for yourself. Being hard on ourselves is part of the OCD cycle, so please remind yourself; if it feels like OCD, it is OCD. I was drawn to your post because I was giving into that old need for reassurance, but it's okay. Just remind yourself that you have OCD and you need to be kind to yourself. You don't have to be rigid - my theologian psychologist told me this and it helped a lot - and compartmentalise everything. Best Cub x

It's not your fault, Taurean. We're going to have relapses and look how well you do. Look how much you comfort and provide information. It's okay to need a sit-down occasionally. You're allowed to stop and regroup. For me, it's remembering that it's okay to feel the fear and do it anyway. It feels like jumping over a river everytime but it gets to the point where you barely realise you've done it. I'm still haunted by things from years ago but I remind myself to jump over the river. For me, I like soundscapes these days and ASMR sounds. Just sitting quietly and breathing; remembering that breath. Sometimes I'll be shaken up like a rattle. But that's okay. I've been in worse places and I know it'll get better. These feelings won't last forever. We're all here, and we're all doing okay. C x

I know - thanks, guys. It felt important to share these things and honestly - the irony of the thing had me more than anything else. I worry about God but I don't seem so worried about the kids? Also, I can't do this 'getting-better' thing completely on my own; it's good to share my story and remind myself that others go through this - not for reassurance, but just for reminders. Cheers, C x

Hi all, Been struggling lately and wanted to share a recent experience. I feel that it's important to share in order to keep recovery going and not letting it grip onto you; I've had to work very hard lately at not praying for forgiveness for 'bad thoughts' for remembering that it's flotsam and jetsam. It's been surprisingly hard. I'm also getting back into the habit of struggling to share my problems because I fear being judged. I'm an aunty to five beautiful niblings. The youngest is a year and a bit. A couple of weeks ago I was pushing his pram and we stopped by the side of the road. I had the horrifying idea of letting his pram go, but what horrified me even more was that I nearly did for a split-second; it was secure and stable and I think it would have been okay, but it was as if I realised what I was doing and immediately gripped back on. I obviously wouldn't have let the pram go into the road and I was surrounded by my family, and standing pretty fair back on the pavement, but I was tormented by the fact that I almost took my hands off the handle just for a second to test the stability of the thing. I felt terrible for hours afterwards, but I had to talk myself through it. I felt as though I had to feel the guilt, but I was there to help babysit and as harsh as it sounds 'didn't have time' to feel guilty. I had to tell myself it was OCD and get through it quickly. I'm really, really hoping that doesn't mean I'm psychopathic. I don't know if I should be proud of this. My OCD is lingering about again, trying to make me feel shame for other things, for 'not considering God enough' 'for being a disgrace' with certain behaviour. I couldn't help feeling slightly disgusted with myself for being so concerned about God, but getting rid of a worry about a child within a day. It feels like there's something wrong with me in that regard; that there's a sick irony here. That I worry about God, but I don't worry so much about the kids. There was also the fact that a few weeks ago, I was tormented by thoughts of bad things happening to my niece, and was scared that I 'wanted' the thoughts because I didn't chase them away. One minute I'm okay, but when the doubt gets hold of me again, it's hard to switch the guilt off, because I feel I should feel it; like I deserve to feel it even though it makes much more practical sense to keep going. I just find this unsettling and deeply ironic. I would die for my nieces and nephews but I know it's all very well saying that; I want to keep them safe and I know I can be trusted with them. But all this makes me feel as though there's something wrong with my priorities and my morals. Thanks for reading Best Cub x

Hi all Me again. Apologies for disappearing once more; been a busy summer with family. I'm posting not because I expect answers but because I don't know where else to go. Last night I had terrible thoughts about my niece getting hurt in the most terrible way and I'm scared that I wanted them; because I let them in and shaped them for a few seconds before praying for forgiveness. I'm scared because there felt like an element of curiousity and I didn't shoo the thoughts away and carry on. I've been praying compulsively for forgiveness and have become very tired very quickly and feel as though I should be punishing myself and I don't deserve to relax. I've been struggling to read and concentrate since and have been going over mental rituals in my head to try and figure out if I meant to have the thoughts. I know thoughts don't matter and thoughts aren't me and it's what we do that counts, but this feels like it's clinging on and I'm struggling to cope and feeling very, very guilty. I would never, ever hurt my niece and I don't want her to get hurt by anyone else; I would die for her if I had to. But right now that feels irrelevant; it still doesn't change the fact that I let these thoughts take shape for a few seconds in my mind out of some kind of curiousity and I hate myself for it. I'm experiencing feelings of depression and anxiety and found it hard to get out of bed and it's hard to dismiss it as OCD when I let myself have the thoughts in the first place. My brother is here with his baby and I'm finding that a good distraction, which I know is important, but the guilt lingers and I worry about being alone with my thoughts because then I pray for forgiveness all over again but right now it just doesn't feel like enough because I feel I had a downright evil moment of allowing these images in my head. And how can I be around one child when I had bad thoughts about another? I confess I have been struggling with compulsive praying for some time and it's only recently that I have taken steps to try and combat it; it got to the point where I was praying for forgiveness for a lot of stuff in my head and I knew it had to stop. I just feel I made this happen and feel terrible; I know that if it feels like OCD, it probably is. But there is a stripe of severe, genuine guilt there which makes this feel more real and makes me feel more evil. I haven't told my brother because I don't want him to feel it's best to leave if I'm stressed out like this, or because it doesn't make me a good host. I don't know what to expect from this post; in my bones I want someone to tell me it's okay and I am not evil but I know that this is reassurance-seeking behaviour. I know what my psychologist would probably say and I know thoughts are just thoughts. But I wanted to share this in the hope that at the very least, I could get it out of my system. I know I still have some work to do - right now, however, my lines are blurred. C x

Hello everyone I'm back again, after almost a three-year-long absence. The last time I was here was at the start of COVID. My current status is thus: I suffered from severe OCD for the first three months of the pandemic and considered suicide several times. I eventually went back on citalopram which took the edge off and gradually back to my senses. I'm back because over the past two weeks various things have happened at work which have prompted me to reassess myself. I'm about to move into my own place but am dreading it because I dread being alone with my thoughts and I seem to be struggling with time alone. This is when the OCD becomes the worst because I cannot, for the life of me, seem to stop worrying and now it feels like it's affecting my work-life balance. I dread being alone but I'm struggling in work; over the past two weeks, I was pulled in for a sickness meeting (my second in six months, having taken time off for mental health last year at various stages) and a lateness meeting (for which I received my first written warning that I've ever had, and a rather stern-talking to). I was also written up for a moment of stress in which I was inadvertedly rude to a superior, but other things were used against me as well, such as hurrying to get back to a position, and also moments when I've been on standby and have been quiet, when people have asked me about it, and I've just nodded with a grunt because I am dealing with various inward bad feelings at that time, or feeling overwhelmed and just waiting to hear what they need me to do next. During the talk other things were brought up; I have been quite sharp with customers over the last year and a couple of smaller things were mentioned over time; such as me being too loud when calling across to a customer to please leave a zone because we need it clear, holding up a hand to pause a customer while dealing with something else or clapping my hands at customers to get them to move along and make room for those behind. I just feel bad. The strain of the past few weeks has left me with severe anxiety, and a cough and a cold and I've been under so much strain. I worry so much about different things and I've managed to get myself in trouble in every single job I've ever been in. I just wonder if because perhaps I'm not dealing with my anxiety - maybe I need to try harder in therapy, or heighten my citalopram - it's affecting my work-life because I get impatient and snappish a lot, or just want to be quiet. I am still worried about things, and I still ruminate and I can't seem to imagine a life without it. I feel like a prisoner and also like a failure. I would really appreciate some advice from others right now. I feel very upset with it all and I wonder if I could try harder. My first ever psychologist said I didn't need medication; am I just beating around the bush? C x

Hi guys Happy New Year. Sorry not to have been around for a long time and thankyou for your responses. I'm really not okay at the moment - I'm feeling very depressed and sad and don't want to do anything. I'm almost afraid to go back to counselling because I'm scared of being judged for leaving it so long and I'm also scared it might not be the right help. But I feel as though I've had all the help under the sun I could possibly get; so many psychologists, therapists and counsellors and I'm on antidepressants for the third time. This feels like all my fault and like I don't deserve to be happy. I haven't been happy for the last eleven years; surely it's got to be something I'm doing wrong? It feels so much harder than it was when I was a kid. I feel ashamed for the compulsions I currently have; a friend told me last summer how she'd prayed to God to change her and it's had a negative influence. I'm doing the same thing now and it hurts so much because I feel like every time I do it, I'm cutting myself to the bone and follow it up with a prayer of 'I'm sorry, I didn't mean that,' and feeling guilty that I said something and apologised for something I don't mean. I feel like such a letdown and like I can't be left alone anymore. I'm very depressed and when my dad and stepmum have tried to comfort me, I've asked to be left alone. My stepbrother isn't helping either; he and his wife have taken over two other rooms in the house so I feel I have nowhere to escape to and I'm just in my room, and last week he was rude to my dad and I following a misunderstanding over a situation regarding his mother and never apologised. I just feel I'm a bad daughter, bad sister, and a bad friend and I honestly feel as though I want to end it. I cannot describe just how much I hate myself. This is never ever going to get better and if it's not going to get better then I might as well end it now. Thankyou for the support, the responses and for reading. C x

Hugs to you both. I'm older than you two but socialising at uni is very difficult. I was an awkward kid and didn't really fit in but luckily the people I lived with were understanding. As you go through your twenties you'll meet loads of different people. I lived in Cardiff for three years, moving there two years after I graduated for work and I had such trouble making friends and was very, very lonely - as well as very bored and isolated on a daily basis and so was sluggish and depressed. I finally found friends in my current job. It's okay if you don't quite fit somewhere. Just keep an eye out. You'll find your tribe. ?

Hi y'all How are we all doing? My workplace closed on Wednesday (FOR THE THIRD TIME!) due to London moving into tier 3 so I'm at leisure again. Quite pleased to have some time to myself and finish my dad's cross-stitch for Christmas. I'm doing okay generally but I'm still having trouble with things and I'm worried that this one is going to cause offence; if it does, I'm truly sorry. My problem right now is that I'm constantly hit by urges to go online and look up things that I know will upset and trigger me, even though I know that they're nothing to do with me. My obsession is with sexuality - I keep looking up stories of people who have decided to repress/deny their true sexuality for the sake of religion; I don't agree with it, and yet I keep feeling drawn to the stories of those who do it. I don't know why - maybe to test my reaction and seek assurance that I'm doing enough on my own path, and that I haven't missed anything. I do it on Google, twitter, tumblr...it's not good. It's nothing to do with me and it's not good. I'm just constantly seeking assurance about theology, and where there's ;people of faith who repress and deny there's people of faith who celebrate this and wondering if God wants me to do things I don't want to do, and wondering if I have to do them. But I get so upset and switch off after a few moments; I don't know if God wants me to take a hard path with myself and deny myself; to listen to these people's testimonies and to be more like them, which I don't want. I'm so confused. I'm sorry to be so weird. I feel awful about this and I hate myself. I've looked this up so many times and I'm tired. I know how selfish and terrible I sound and I'm tired. It takes a lot of distraction to take myself away from it. I'm much better than I was but these urges still linger. I'm having counselling and my citalopram is helping but I hate myself for these specific obsessions and don't know how to share them. I must be a bad person to feel this way. C x

Hi Malina Thankyou for the kindness. I'm doing okay; just feeling generally unhappy. I feel guilty and like I'm to blame. I'm reflecting on the fact that I'm feeling upset and sad and that I've been less happy over the past year than I have been for a while. I'm not quite sure what else to write tonight - only that I'm tired of myself and feel I don't deserve all the support I'm getting. Maybe I would be better off dead. C x

Hi everyone Hope you're all well. I haven't been around for a while as I've been adjusting to being back at work and then going on lockdown once more. But I'm back today. I'm feeling tentatively proud of myself because it's been a week today since my work closed and I'm managing to keep it more or less together (more or less). I'm still struggling and having the occasional suicidal thought, but I have a great support network of friends, and I have some cross-stitch projects to keep my occupied (as well as Sister Sister on Netflix ? ) I'm not the best at looking after my mental health; I'm trying, I'm really trying, but it's difficult. I'm going out for walks as often as I can and that helps enormously - that and the fact that the Citalopram is slowly working - but I still feel a bit empty. The biggest issue is my compulsions; I keep thinking I 'have' to say prayers that I don't actually mean, but it's like some part of me wants to say them and then I get really confused. I ask for forgiveness over very specific issues; I had a problem earlier in the summer and I asked a friend's advice about it. She responded by telling me that had surrendered to God to change her even though she didn't want to change and it got me thinking I should do the same thing. But every time I do, I just feel fake and I ask God for forgiveness for saying the prayer in the first place. I just seem to be struggling every day; I'm scared I'll never be happy again and every day will be the same mental health battle. I'm scared I'm always going to be like this and I'll never appreciate what's in front of me. I'm slowly realising just how ill I was this year and it's frightening to think of all that time wasted. Sorry to sound so pathetic. But it's like even when I'm happy, the OCD is always there, ready to jump out at me. What if I'm going around in circles for the rest of my life because I'm not trying hard enough to be a better person and accept God's forgiveness? What then? I know God is all-loving but I feel like a letdown, undeserving and a failure, all the same. C x

Hi Iron Many congratulations on the pregnancy! I understand this must be a stressful time for you. If the baby is only a few weeks along does that mean you haven't formally announced it yet and so might currently be dealing with it on your own without outside support? That's bound to make things more stressful. Let's be honest; this has been a very stressful time for everyone especially obsessive-compulsives and yes, we're being hit with a lot of contrary information. I find there is no shame in taking a step back - it sounds like you're trying your best and just want to protect your wife, child and expecting. Just do what you can - wear your mask and wash your hands constantly. If it's any consolation, at my workplace we've had people without masks, pregnant ladies, young babies etc. You say that you're researching - would that be a compulsion? I have trouble with Googling too. Just be kind to yourselves and each other and let go of what you can't control. C x

Hi Cas I've been where you are with the not-eating; isn't it horrible? I lost weight over lockdown because I felt so bad. But of course you deserve to have kindness and support from your family! I had similar fears to you - just as I feared never being allowed to be happy. I understand that feeling well. But of course you're allowed. C x

Hi everyone How are we all? I've had a bit of a saga today; I went into work as was due but we have to fill out a covid questionnaire. I was feeling very tired and have had funny tummy; more an anxiety thing than anything but I decided to flag it up to the TLs to be on the safe side. Long story short, I've been sent home until further notice. I'm struggling so hard at the moment and I don't enjoy anything anymore. All I do is lie in bed on my days off and scroll on my phone. I can't seem to be happy. I keep thinking that maybe I'm doing stuff wrong but don't have the courage to change or cut things out of my life that may not be good for me, and may be adding to my uncertainty or unhappiness due to my anxiety, but which I can't seem to let go. I'm fully aware there are more important things out there; maybe I'm thinking in black and white terms. I'm just so tired all the time and feel unhappy generally - the main issue, though? I can't seem to stop worrying. All I seem to do is worry and fret. I had an anxiety attack the other night and it doesn't take much to set me off and after being sent home today I wondered if it might be time to end my life; I seriously considered just jumping off the motorway bridge. I don't think I have the courage to change and that makes me worse. I feel really scared and lonely and don't know who to turn to. I feel useless and like a failure. C x

I'd like to recommend the OCD Work book's partner - Everyday Mindfulness for OCD. It's a wonderful book that's really helped me and taken the edge off some of my compulsions.

I can only imagine how stressful that must be. I'd like to recommend another book if I may, one that's helped me - Everyday Mindfulness for OCD. It has been greatly helpful in my own life. One particular piece of advice is when the urge hits - let it run naturally for a minute and let the sludge out and then let the water run clear. Give yourself that beat of time. I don't know how useful that advice is to you but it's useful to me. Your fears of contamination are quite like my own fears of my thoughts and actions - thinking that everything needs to be contained, that hyper-responsibility. It's not your fault. You're just like this because you're a good, caring person. C x

Welcome, Paul Sorry to hear of your trouble. The pandemic has been deeply stressful for so many; you're not alone and you're not to blame. I had a nervous breakdown VERY early in if that helps and I've been suffering from a deep depression. Don't blame yourself for struggling. I came back from the shops today after being in Tesco with people who refused to distance or wear masks and had a shower. Contamination usually doesn't get to me but due to my landlady's job and a somewhat low hygiene count in our house I've become more paranoid. We're all here for you and happy to help. C x

Hi Malina, thanks for checking in, Things are okay, I suppose, but I feel a bit isolated in myself. I'm struggling generally and feeling as though everyone would be better off without me; I don't know what to do to help myself feel better, because I feel I make myself worse. The things I turn to for respite are things that make me feel anxious because I feel so guilty over them and like I don't deserve to love myself. I took today off work; I feel better at night and it's like my brain wants to do several things at once, so I'm having trouble sleeping. I feel sad because I went home to my dad's for the weekend and thought it would be nice; instead, I struggled because having spent lockdown there in a less-than-stellar mental state, I started to relapse again and even cried. I almost couldn't wait to leave; part of me wanted to stay, because I miss my family, but the rest of me wanted to go so I could get out of that mental state. It makes me afraid to go home when I feel like that and so I'm going to try and change my room around so I can lose those mental associations. I've been like this for a long time now and I feel guilty for the reasons why I feel so anxious and ruminate constantly, mentally, in a bid to gain control; I don't know how to handle it in any manner and I'm stressed all the time. My online therapy has ended and I felt relieved, but one thing the therapist told me is that me committing suicide would mess up my family, including my two little nieces. But - and this is going to sound so incredibly selfish - I found out yesterday that due to their parents' divorce, my nieces may be moving away from near my Dad's, going up north for better schooling and family connections elsewhere. I get that they need to live near their dad, and that they need better opportunities and schooling but I'm going to miss them so much. The concept of not seeing them so often feels like the loss of a lifeline - they're one of the few reasons I'm alive and I wonder if their potential departure might end up being a lost incentive to stay so. I know how terrible that sounds - I get a lot of joy from my nieces and I can't rely on them emotionally to keep me alive - that wouldn't be fair on them. I need to find my own way of coping. And I know I'm worst-case-scenario-ing it; we won't be stopped from seeing the girls in anyway but it will be harder knowing they're not nearby. I'm ruminating a lot at the moment over little things in my life; I feel like I've lost so much spark and joy and can't do certain things without feeling guilty and upset - so then I try and obliterate that guilt and make myself worse. I ruminate over little stories I write - 'how' to make them acceptable for publication; I write what gives me pleasure and then I edit and I ruminate endlessly over the editing process. I'm getting aches and pains from how tense I am. I keep saying prayers because I feel I 'should' say them but I don't mean them. I hate myself for what I'm thinking; like I want things to worry about, want things to be wrong and I feel like I just want to die. I'm distracted and upset and don't know what will make me happiest. I wish I could be more confident in myself, because I don't feel it right now and feel I deserve to die. C x

Thankyou everyone for your empathy, your kind thoughts and wishes. It's always reassuring to know I can share the thoughts of suicide as they make me feel so guilty and so terrible. I feel like I'm being a bad daughter when I feel like this and that I'm letting my family down. I had online therapy over the summer but I don't think it really helped. I know I should be glad to have had help but I found the sessions to be very difficult; maybe because they were online and typed, rather than face-to-face and they just felt hard, in every sense of the word. I had another counsellor briefly who helped me more but once the official online therapy started he had to pull back because he didn't think it was a good idea to see two different professionals at the same time. I keep having mini-breakdowns at work; my team-leaders are very understanding but the changes in the system right now mean things are a little more challenging than usual. I keep praying, or saying things I don't mean, asking for forgiveness for things I don't really mean, or ruminating. I was a little better today, but it is hard. I have to really pull back on looking up upsetting things online. It's been hard being away from home; I know I'm with my friends and I need to rediscover my independence but I miss my family. And yet being away is probably best. I blame myself for how I'm feeling. Thanks for the kind words, all and for the comfort. One day at a time. C x

*hugs* Friend, you read my mind. I feel sad and frustrated a lot of the time and am often trying to make it go away.

Hi everyone How are we all doing? Sorry to sound so gloomy and repetitive. I know there's a lot going on today in the world and I feel guilty. But I can't seem to cope. The last few days, I've been feeling more and more depressed. I know I need to pick myself up but I don't know what to do. I know I'm tired from being back at work and yesterday I considered throwing myself over the stair railing and falling several feet. I'm frightened all the time; I feel bad because it's like I 'need' something to worry about to stay in control, as ridiculous as that sounds. If I don't have anything to worry about, I start to panic. I can't trust feelings of happiness or relief anymore, because they never last; it feels like overconfidence and I've learnt not to trust those feelings because the rug will be pulled from under my feet. At work, I always want to go home; when I get home, although I try to give myself a schedule, it's hard to get up. I just feel heavy and I am trying to organise my evenings. But I was ruminating all day today, going around my head in circles. I suffer from religious OCD as you guys know and I'm praying constantly; for God to change me even though I don't want to change and wondering if God wants me to give something up that I don't want to give up; if I'm overthinking it and should just do what God asks. I wonder if I should give the thing up and if I'm a terrible sinner, and what will happen to me after I die. I've been exposing myself to upsetting websites which make me feel worse as they urge you to make so many sacrifices for God and I wander if I love God enough and if I have any right to call myself a Christian, even. I have a mental cycle going on in my mind; 'should I give this thing up and cut off all ties to it?' It feels like I should but I don't want to; I go over the specifics and think, 'well, it's not that harmless,' 'it's not black and white' 'it's a good, romantic, harmless thing' and every time I try and mentally review the possibility of giving it up, like a mental compulsion, I just make myself worse. I was further triggered by a friend who spoke about 'surrendering to God' to change her and I wondered if I had to be more like that; to try harder and be more like her. I keep having wobbles; I feel better for writing all this down but I wonder how long feeling better will last as it's like I'm always looking for the next problem, like I always want something to feel wrong and I'm scared to relax in case I mess up. It makes me want to die, this feeling; what's worse is knowing that my family wouldn't want that, and it would have a negative impact and that just makes the feelings worse. I'd be leaving my brothers to pick up my dad; leaving my nieces traumatised. Being back at work has been a bit of a help, but due to the current regulations and my own mood, it's not as good as before. I can't bury myself in any good escapist thoughts; I'm always being caught by my mental rituals. It's rather making me want to stay at home and pull the duvet over my head. I'm so tired of myself and feel as though I deserve to die. I keep going over theoretical scenarios in my head and I feel so scared; that everything I am is on the line. I'm frightened. It's like I'm used to an OCD feeling. I just don't want to be here; I don't even want to go to work tomorrow. I just want to hide and disappear. It all feels like too much and I hate myself; I don't deserve this life. There's something wrong with me. C x

Go on, my son! I am super-proud of you. I know how hard that must be. It's scary, isn't it? I don't have much to be proud of right now but I guess I'm glad that I can seek help when necessary, and that I've been honest with my dad, stepmum and godmother. And really, that I'm just still alive. C x

Hey Rachel You are helping yourself - you came on here to share your story and seek help. That is a fantastic step and I'm so proud of you. If it helps, I had this trouble today as well. I turned on my laptop and felt the old urge to go onto a fundamentalist Christian website that I knew would upset me and almost gave in. Instead I turned my laptop off and went to find my landlady's dog for a cuddle and had a cry on her shoulder. She invited me to come and watch an episode of Rome with her but for a few moments, my mood just fluctuated. I can only imagine how you must be feeling because it's so upsetting, isn't it? All my love to you right now. I felt like I'd relapsed and was so upset with myself; I couldn't cope one little bit and it was like I'd regressed. We're both going to be okay. It helped to be in company for a bit and I find it helps to prioritise the things I need to do; so my best friend's birthday is soon and I need to finish this cross-stitch for her. This feeling will pass, I promise. Maybe do something nice for yourself? Like you, I'm trying to figure this out; I'm trying to 'figure out' if I believe what these people are saying and if this is the path for me. It's pouring down with rain and it's helped to open the blinds and just look at what's right in front of me. Lots of love to you, C x

Hi Cora I really appreciate your words of comfort, thankyou so much. Today is a bit difficult. I turned my laptop back on and I'm feeling the urge to visit that old triggering website that started all this nonsense. I recognise that this is a waste of my time and it doesn't seem to be for any reason other than to simply upset myself. I can't write anymore on my laptop because I feel the urge and I don't know what to do; am I sinning by resisting it? I feel so lost and confused and upset and feel like I want to turn to someone for help and reassurance; suddenly, I don't want to be on my own. I know I have to switch my laptop on at some point but I'm struggling so hard right now not to visit the site and feeling so ashamed; what if I have to visit the site? What if they're right and I'm wrong? What if God is guiding me to visit the site? I feel so lonely and upset with this and this is making me feel so bad. Appreciate the kind words. Will try and resist the urge. I hate feeling so sad. I thought I was past this nonsense. C x