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  1. Thank you both for your replies. i can see the pattern here. I have been triggered and have started looking for similarities and the rumination is in full force. It can just feel so real sometimes. also my anxiety is mild/moderate at the moment and that is causing backdoor spikes. Like I’ve de sensitised myself to the idea of suicide and therefore I am going to start thinking it’s ok. any advise for this?
  2. Hi everyone, although I have been doing slightly better the last month or 2 I am still not we’re I want to be. hearing the news of Caroline Flack over the weekend made me incredibly sad. It’s truely an awful thing that has happened to this poor woman over the past few months and my heart breaks for her and her family. i knew my ocd would be triggered as soon as I heard it as suicide is my theme. I have tried to not engage but today I feel myself slipping. I keep looking for differences and similarities between myself and her. I can’t stop thinking about her and it’s just everywhere at the minute, the news, social media, tv, people talking about it. So I have tried to treat it as an exposure but I am starting to struggle. any advise on what to do at this moment? I feel really down and anxious
  3. Thanks I’m going to give this a good go today.
  4. Ok so I’ve had enough of feeling like this (even that spikes me) so I have suicidal theme OCD and I hate it. It tortures me. anyway the past few days I have felt so low and depressed with constant thoughts and anxiety. The only time I’m not consumed in this fear is when I am asleep. I have tried to cut down on compulsions but this doesn’t seem enough so I’ve decided today to start doing my own exposures. so today I have wrote on a flash card ‘I can’t handle these feelings of anxiety and depression and this will lead me to want to commit suicide’ and I plan on reading and re writing it all through the day. does this sound like I am going along the right tracks with exposure? My anxiety is so high right now and I know I am slightly obsessing about doing therapy correctly
  5. It started off as the thoughts of impulsively jumping of buildings and such. That was about 10 years ago and I also had harm thoughts towards others. this has progressed now into a huge fear of depression and being suicidal. It’s no longer the random thoughts and images it’s constantly trying to figure out if I am suicidal and if I am going to hang myself by choice. It’s tormenting and torturous. I am obsessing now about doing therapy correctly and about how many times I have relapsed and will I just continue to keep getting stuck, all related to my fear of being suicidal.
  6. Thank you for your encouragement. I am struggling to master up the courage to do exposures. It feels too dangerous. I know it’s not and I know that’s what I need to do to get on the right track towards recovery again. My thoughts urges and feelings go insane when I stop compulsions. I am doing a big exposure tonight and staying at home alone and I am trying to stay off line and off of google. So far I have had small success but I’m gna take another hour off now and do a little bit of housework.
  7. I also feel quite depressed at the moment and it’s one of my biggest fears. my compulsions have come back tenfold the last few days. i was doing a lot better last 2 weeks and this week have gone back to square 1.
  8. That’s helpful thank you. I am just terrified it’s going g to change something in my brain and make me worse. i am also thinking what if my therapist is thinking there’s no hope for me through CBT as I have had it before. Relapsed Quite severely 3 times since last CBT 6 years ago.
  9. Thank you for your reply. I have done this and there doesn’t seem to be many that have had this treatment or who have wrote about whether it works for OCD
  10. Has anyone had this treatment for OCD? ive has the same theme now for 8 years or so and just keep relapsing so my CBT therapist has suggested EMDR. just want to add that she is a very good therapist and knows a lot about intrusive thoughts and OCD and never gives me any reassurance. She doesn’t comment on the theme of the OCD at all (suicide) just treats it like any other theme of intrusive thoughts. She has worked in the mental health field for a long time and seems very experienced.
  11. Thank you for your replies i have calmed down a lot compared to this afternoon but still feel abit shaken. ive has the same theme for about 8 years with a huge relapse about every 2 years. I just hate it so much, why do I keep relapsing? I really want to move past this theme.
  12. And I always thought the love for my little boy would protect me so this has shook me to the core
  13. This girl was making plans to go on holiday and see friends and then just decided to kill herself coz she was so sad. What makes me different from her! I have called my mum in tears and am on my way home from work.
  14. I have been massively spiked again today. I feel psychically I’ll! was just scrolling through Facebook and cane across a news article about a woman the same age as me committing suicide. She had small children and said in her note that she’s sorry but mummy’s head got too sick. And these words are stuck in my head. and I have a little boy and I am terrified that I am going to do this to him. I have always reassured myself because I love him so much that I would never do it but now this has me questioning it. i am crying in work. I just feel this story is too similar to me and I can’t handle it
  15. Hi everyone, I have found that I have been doing so much better with my OCD the last couple of weeks compared to what I was a month ago. I have had some really ‘normal’ days and stopped most compulsions and felt like I was truely getting past this relapse. I seem to struggle more on the days I have off work which at the moment is 2 days and the other 5 days I have been functioning pretty well with little anxiety. however have felt it creeping back the last few days and then yesterday was massively triggered and feel totally back to square one. I read a story on the dailymail about the suicide of Ruth Langsfords sister after a long battle with depression and it has massively triggered me. my anxiety is through the roof, to the point of vomiting this morning. Just scared that I am not going to recover and that I will keep relapsing my whole life and will get so down and sick of it that I will act. I love my family so much it hurts. And the thought that I could do something to hurt them makes me cry, shake, ruminate. I’ve had this theme on and off for about 7 years and I just can’t seem to get over the fear. sorry for the rant I just feel so alone.
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