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BM94

Bulletin Board User
  • Content Count

    92
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  • Last visited

Previous Fields

  • OCD Status
    Sufferer
  • Type of OCD
    Harm OCD

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Male
  • Location
    UK

Recent Profile Visitors

180 profile views
  1. Consider it received! Thank you for the pick me up. OCD does love to play these little games huh.. And yes, much more important worries to be had at the moment. Thank goodness my OCD doesnt centre around contamination, I feel for those right now who are dealing with that on top of the real dangers of the pandemic!
  2. Hey all, I'm really just looking for a Mr PB virtual slap on the wrist here, but here it goes: I'm driving home this afternoon and theres a family of 8 people walking across the most ridiculously dangerous 60mph crossroads where so many crashes happen right. They looked at me like they own the road and they didnt even hurry across, they couldnt give a s***. So I drove around them a bit closer than I usually would near pedestrians (slowly though), and then once I passed them I accelerated quickly - my intention obviously being to let them know they are completely stupid for being there and that it's a place for CARS, not PEDESTRIANS. Of course my OCD takes this as a flaring opportunity to make me question my motives and whether I hit them or not and drove off and whether I enjoyed the feeling of actually doing something like that. The first time in SO LONG I broke down and turned around to check there weren't one of them lying in the road smushed by myself... I had checked, turned around again and then come home. I'm very annoyed at myself that I felt I had to prove a point to those idiots fully knowing my OCD would kick in straight away, and very disappointed in myself for giving in to the thoughts and acting out a compulsion. On a very side note, I'm also massively disappointed in how selfish people are in light of this pandemic, and incredibly disappointed that people have to behave like such idiots like in this situation I've just had. Sorry to offload this on you all
  3. I always knew there was something there when I checked (and eventually broke) all the doors to see if they were locked. I would keep my phone away from me at night as I thought something bad could happen. This started from when I was as young as I can remember. When my intrusive harmful thoughts came in around 2016 when I was about 21 that's when it started having a major impact on my life, and I realised it was something a bit more serious than just checking doors. A relatively short space of time compared to some who have suffered with it for decades! Do you guys think you're doing better with access to a forum like this? I feel so much more in control of it now thanks to some supportive people on here.
  4. Hey Nikki it's been a while, I'm glad you've been finding your way through as best you can and everyone is allowed some moments for support. Something that isn't always mentioned is that you're also allowed to feel sorry for yourself on occasion (everyone does) but don't let it hold you down and take over. *Consider this your reset button* How is it bothering you, are you thinking on it too much, are you feeling OCD present while you're carrying out your activities with your little one? Remember that it's just OCD and it's not important in the slightest, you're allowed to have thoughts and it's up to you how much importance you want to attach to them. B
  5. Yeah absolutely. When I first started struggling with intrusive thoughts I felt like I was in a different dimension - like there was a smokescreen over my eyes. Did I do it? Didnt I do it? Did i do it in my subconscious parallel mind? It was the purest hell which left me couch-bound for days! You may feel like you're becoming delusional or detached from reality, but you can absolutely make it through that and see it all for what it is - OCD.
  6. It terrifies me. I cant seem to settle. I have dreams which I'm pushing at but also realising at the same time they're very unlikely to happen. I used to blame OCD for my job jumping all the time (and I still do it - last year probably had about 6 different jobs) but I actually think it's a bit of this thrown in too; I cant comprehend the idea of settling for a normal 9-5 life - in such a pickle with this exact problem!
  7. Hey TT, Let me reiterate: The thoughts are just thoughts and your OCD makes you believe they have meaning. But it is just OCD! This is clearly your problem TT, you're so adamant to question whether it's your OCD or not. This is what PB and DK are saying to you. Again, this is just OCD making you question your thoughts. You see that you're contradicting yourself here right? Yep catastrophizing - that's typical of OCD too. You're doing everything you can to think you are at least some of what you fear you are.. so everyone is telling you its OCD and you're saying "yep you're right its OCD but I still think I'm at least partly a dog killing, contamination loving paedophile". It isnt making sense! You'll get through this you just have to listen and take on board what's being said here and change your attitude and belief about the thoughts. B
  8. Hey TT, Sounds like you're having a hard time, sorry to read this I'm gonna try simplify it a bit: It's just OCD Yep it's still OCD. How could what you're saying NOT be OCD? Unfortunately you are reassurance seeking and it's very natural with OCD. And yeah it's OCD. Nope it sounds exactly like OCD to me. It's common in OCD sufferers to feel like there's no escape and they want it to end - but yep that's just OCD. But it is OCD - and yes a very high percentage of the human population touches handles, taps, food, ovens. You've just got OCD which means you have scary intrusive thoughts about getting sexual gratification from touching things other people may have touched. I hope this has helped. You're asking the question but also subconsciously answering it at the same time. Keep your chin up B
  9. Correct. Yes what you did was wrong but it's done now and worrying will do you no good. Absolutely right a non-sufferer would respond by thinking "well that was really stupid" and feel bad about it, but then get on with the day. Sorry its causing you distress Chin up!
  10. Hey there, thanks for this it sounds interesting. It gets me wondering though, would this not just cement that you have to respond to OCD, be it bad or good? The idea with OCD is to understand you dont have to do anything to combat the intrusive thoughts and over time the anxiety will fade. It almost sounds like the conditioning experiment those dudes did with those dogs (sorry names and dates et al. is not so good following school haha). You ring a bell they eventually condition to respond to that by running to their food bowls. It's like "oh I noticed you've been responding to your OCD well so here's some chocolate". What about when that system isnt working anymore, or you run out of chocolate, sweets, money? --> or when you feel you've been doing well but arent rewarded. Sorry ultimately the point I'm making is you shouldn't be needing to respond to the thoughts at all, let alone reward or punish for when you slightly fall off the wagon. Any other ideas anyone?
  11. Nope it doesn't. Everyone who has POCD thoughts feels the exact same way whether it's their own kid or someone else's. That's what needs to change. It's your belief that it's different. It isn't. And of course, the fact it involves someone you love so dearly is again part and parcel of OCD and the games it likes to play. It will continue to play on you until you can detach from the thoughts (as again that is all they are) and stop rituals that you do. You have OCD, which is also known as OCD, and others suffer from a thing called OCD as well. It's all the same thing theres no differences when it comes to --> scary thought --> whoosh of fear --> rituals to ease the fear --> more doubt is created --> thought comes back --> and on we go round and round.
  12. You're not failing you're just finding your own personal way through this like we all have to. Oh I know what you mean I used to have crippling doubt and fear it would drive me mad and I'd honestly sob myself to sleep sometimes thinking the very worst about how to make it stop. I couldn't function AT ALL, in and out of jobs, didnt want to leave the house, terrified of driving or seeing anyone, terrified of being near kids.. it was hell on earth. But I found my own way to stop compulsions. I'd say to myself - "NO, this is a compulsion so you won't be doing it!!" And the more and more I did this the freer and freer I felt every single day. I still get frequent thoughts and sometimes they do unsettle me still but I KNOW I dont have to do my rituals to "fix" them or "correct" them or "suppress" them. When the thoughts come in now I'm in such a good position to say "Bahaha look at you, pathetic OCD trying to creep in and make me perform rituals, how does it feel now that I'm not a willing participant anymore?". I swear I can hear OCD screaming out like a wuss when I'm starving it of attention, it's amazing. You have to be prepared to say NO to feeding OCD and to send it packing! It's a horrible little beast anyway.. far too ugly no one wants it around, give it the boot!! Chin up
  13. I can’t believe how low I’ve sunk and just don’t know what to do now You do know what to do Nikki, you need to follow the advice given by Taurean, PB, dksea and everyone on here so far. OCD will hit you with everything it can, but it's your job to dismiss the thoughts and the sensations that they bring - because it is *unimportant* Things seem hard, and yes you will have really bad moments with your OCD, but your perseverance and your commitment to being rid of it will be stronger than OCD ever could be. We are all here to support you, but i fear we've fallen back into the trap of reassuring you by saying it's all ok and you will get better. The important thing to remember here is this - YOU have the ability, courage, strength and determination to beat your OCD, and overcoming it starts with you - You have to be the one to make that first move. Chin up
  14. Ohhhh yes! If my OCD was accurate with its worst news I would be getting locked up in a maximum security prison/mental asylum, my family would disown me and I'd never have a life again.. hehe! But I'm not because it's OCD and that's all it is. That's why it's kinda funny when you look at it from a mindful perspective! It's thoughts that originate in your own brain and do not need to be given the time of day
  15. Ah thanks guys. We're all getting there slowly but surely. Keep positive its absolutely possible to recover!
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