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BM94

Bulletin Board User
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    19
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  • OCD Status
    Sufferer
  • Type of OCD
    Harm OCD

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Male
  • Location
    UK

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48 profile views
  1. Thank you @dksea Yes I agree that it is a secondary compulsion to worry over it - I feel though for now at least, worrying about things won't be changing very soon to be quite honest. A huge step forward is me being able to recognise a physical compulsion and actually have the ability to sit with the anxiety when I don't do the compulsion. Definitely winning in that field. Just with the "colourful" variation of the unwanted harmful thoughts I get, it is still frustrating that I get these sorts of thoughts and being OK with them will be the hardest thing. The best thing for me though this morning, is that I've woken up today feeling fresher and not worrying about that bottle, which is a massive win! Thanks again B
  2. You're right, it was a compulsion to do that. I was telling myself it was because I was being safer leaving it near electrical stuff when emptied. The main drive though was the harmful thoughts and emptying it out felt more comfortable. That's what I mean though it could be seen as sensible to empty bottle out and leave it by plugs/sockets etc, or it could be seen as my way of feeling more comfortable after a harmful thought popped in. This time I'm going to go for the latter.... muppet!
  3. Hey all, So I've been doing so much better lately by stopping as many compulsions as possible, and it's been great so far! Still mentally sticky and a long way to go but yeah, looking positive. Just a quick one though, any ideas what to do when in this situation: I got to my workplace just now and saw someone's water bottle sat on the desk I use, very much in the way. Of course, the scary thoughts of deliberately contaminating that bottle with harmful substances sprung right into my mind... I'm always amazed at the super friendly thoughts OCD gives me... (I've found sarcasm kills OCD too :'D) But basically, the bottle really needed moving because it wasn't supposed to be there, it was an obstruction and was near electrical stuff. So I picked it up and put it under the desk as there's this little shelf. I was like "nahh it's still near electrical stuff so I need to move it again" - (that was just me being thick more than anything). So I moved it to these shelves by the lockers nearby because it's safer there - I felt like this was all a compulsive act because I just didn't feel happy about it. I've seen this bottle regularly so I took a pic of it and sent to my manager asking if it was hers - this I know was a compulsion because I knew finding out who it belonged to would make me want to be sure they were OK in a few days time. She said it belonged to her client and just to leave it behind desk. So I then emptied it out and put it under the desk again - there's no water in it now so no risk near electrics. I feel like this was "normal" behaviour mixed up with compulsions, does that make sense? It has left me feeling a little unsure but I've got no real anxiety (meaning it's not a matter of life and death to take the bottle home and wash it in scalding water a million times etc etc), and the bottle is right here under my desk and there's nothing I feel I need to do with it from this point. This is a great thing I know but I have nagging doubt there in my head right now and worry it'll turn into full blown anxiety when I leave it there for the client to pick up. My question is, when you feel like "normal" behaviour could turn into a compulsion because a thought pops in, do you just stop doing whatever you're doing or carry on with the "normal" objective in mind as the end result??? Please let me know if you need me to clarify haha! Many thanks B
  4. I totally get where you're coming from humbleno1, and as someone who suffers from Harm OCD, POCD, Hit and Run OCD, basically all the most horrific things that one can do to harm another is what goes through my head on a daily basis. When I sit there sometimes I do think about it as me having the very worst manifestation of OCD out of everyone else, and why did it have to affect me as badly as it has. I worry that one day the blue lights will be flashing out my window and that will be it, I'll be locked up for any of the above, disowned by family and friends and killed in prison.. it terrifies me! But I can genuinely say that I've been doing my absolute best to stop all my compulsions; checking I didn't slip a knife into my pocket when leaving the house, checking inside my shoes for blades, checking where all the harmful substances are in the vicinity, avoiding kids and elderly people, looking back in my rearview mirror, avoiding certain roads, looking back to check people I had just walked past are ok, checking that I hadn't put nasty online content or racist comments on my social media and checking internet history, going back and turning my computer on and off and on and off again just to be sure, thinking neutralizing thoughts, telling myself constantly that they're just thoughts, staying in bed all day because it feels better that way. I pretty much have tried to quit cold turkey with all of this stuff and more, and it has really truly helped me (I still struggle don't get me wrong and sometimes I'll break down and do a compulsion). I genuinely can flick the switch now to be like "oh whatever, it is what it is, don't do anything about that, there's no need to do anything about it". I still have the anxiety that causes every minute of the day but I feel a little bit more in control of OCD when not living by its rules. I was going to go back and check that I hadn't knocked someone off their moped thing on the highway on Monday because I just had to be sure - but then I knew I would be late home to have birthday cake with my Ma, and going back to check would mean I wouldn't be able to get home in time.. so I went straight home. I enjoyed my cake with my Ma and I'm absolutely fine right now. I felt like I won an oscar for my performance!! We can beat this thing! Even those of us with harmful OCD thoughts.
  5. Please don't lose hope. You have to be bigger, better and stronger than OCD. Yeah it's a nasty horrible little beast but just remember you're not alone and we all have a responsibility I feel to make the world understand what this is and what it feels like and how it feels like it can completely ruin your life. It's been such a hard time for me the last few months, I have begged and begged anyone to just make it all stop and when it becomes that unbearable, your OCD takes a firmer grip on you. Don't let it! Look at all those non-sufferers out there who just crack on with life; what will be will be. You just have to live like that with no compulsions, no avoidance and on a day-to-day basis you will feel better and better. It's hard as hell but we're more interesting people this way! - We have a story to tell the world. Tell it.
  6. Exactly right, I think ruminating over it does become a compulsion, especially when you do it as much as we do. I had an incident on the road a couple months ago, and this was actually real - I drove like an idiot and tried to overtake someone where I wasn't supposed to and very nearly caused a crash, for the next at least 3-4 weeks I was having the video replay in my head CONSTANTLY about what happened/what I could have done and then, oh whadda you know.. I started believing I had caused oncoming cars to crash into the bushes on the other side - so whenever I drove that road I would inspect it so closely to check for tire marks or tracks on the side of the road into a tree or something and would check road accident reports online. This made everything worse and last longer.. it's almost funny when I think about it now, so I guess punchline of the story is we all have the potential to live without this horrible disorder, it's just the here and now that we struggle with maybe.. Time is an incredible healer! I find the same thing, I'm in a particularly dark patch right now with everything (I actually think it all became out of control after my car incident detailed above) and have been for the past few months now. I find that even when I'm not having a specific thought in that moment I feel mentally drained to exhaustion, and then I'm like "why do I feel so exhausted, almost like my eyes perceive everything as literally darker and miserable, and just not enjoying anything I do", and it's almost like that's a trigger because feeling like that reminds me that it's because of my constant thoughts and drags it right back up into my conscious mind again. Such a pickle! Just knowing that you've struggled with the exact same thing has helped calm me down a bit more like it has for you, so thank you for that! Don't let your 'It's just thoughts' thoughts become a compulsion though - I would constantly say that when a nasty thought popped up but it became a neutralising response, ergo a compulsion. It's good though to just gently remind yourself of that fact every now and again, because it is actually true haha! How are you feeling now??
  7. You're welcome Lisa! Yes the figurative 'umbrella' of Harm OCD is what I've called it as I have not been fortunate enough to have my thoughts center around one specific thing. My Harm OCD actually began with the fear of 'Harm' involving kids, and yes in the way we both know that means. I know exactly what you mean when you say you can't quite be sure that you didn't do something to someone's kid, like your memory is playing tricks on you. Mine does exactly the same thing but with every aspect of Harm OCD. Recently I feared I had done the same thing as you and I was so unbelievably panicked, but there's the thing, how can you do a compulsion or 'check' that you didn't do anything? For me it was trying my best to just write off the triggering situation and not put too much stock into the thoughts or OCD-inspired belief that my memories are wrong. My anxiety has life spans for each situation; sometimes I can wake up the next morning and feel better, sometimes it can last for days/weeks. Unfortunately my OCD has also influenced and affected my social media usage and technology etc, so when the thoughts first appeared those years ago it was all about doing "stuff" online etc or sending nasty "stuff" around to people on my social networks (you know what I mean) - this caused me to stay WELL away from my phone, or anything really with internet connection, at all costs; and I would be so scared whenever I had to use the internet, constantly checking history to make sure I didn't do anything etc. This put me into a world of suffering. Earlier in the year I took a bit more control back and decided to have my phone on me all the time, despite the massive anxiety this caused - it eventually calmed down and I can now have my phone around me relatively comfortably. But my nasty little OCD beast has decided to add a bolt-on to my particular OCD plan: It's now thoughts based around doing any harmful thing to someone and then the idea of filming it on my phone, which causes me to do further compulsions such as checking my social media pages that I didn't post anything, or checking my phone gallery constantly, and further reviewing those unsure memories. It's a nightmare and makes me feel sick all the time that I could have such thoughts, and is ultimately what has made me go to the GP to get a referral to a psychiatrist and hopefully get put on meds! It's been such a low time for me, so I know and can empathise with how you're feeling right now. I'm sorry to pile my issues on top of this, but I just wanted to let you know that others suffer with the same thing and you should just try not to worry, there's nothing to do about it now. Current reality is always categorically more important than phasing yourself back into the past where nothing can be changed anyway. Hopefully there's a happier time on the horizon for us all :)
  8. Hey Lisa, Sorry it has affected you in this way. The one thing I can say that is NOT a reassurance tactic but that IS the genuine truth, is that you're not alone with the thoughts. My thoughts have shifted from one thing to another constantly, all based under the 'Harm umbrella' (they do include your particular theme as well). This actually happens for me on a daily basis; it will shift from one thing to the next all the time, sometimes depending on situation or just whatever OCD feels like throwing my way in that particular moment. I guess one positive you can take away from it is that now you've had this thought, the anxiety will of course be there in buckets for now but it will eventually subside and you will learn strategies to manage it along the way. It'll then eventually be one of those thoughts that you have. The way I have to look at things right now is that quite literally I've had thoughts about every single different way you could harm/kill someone, and now because I've literally had them all I don't have to worry about another thought popping up. It's like "yeah I've heard that one before, what else you got OCD?". Still scary but the one thing that helps me so much is telling myself I'm not alone and it only makes me a more interesting person with a story to tell. Also, stopping compulsions at every possible opportunity has calmed me down at a huge rate, even without CBT or medication. I would start there with this new theme and build on that. Here for you! All the best
  9. Oh my days, gingerbreadgirl that must be so annoying. And also tells us everything we need to know about the lack of understanding around this. They just don't seem to get it's a debilitating, cruel and unrelenting disorder that can (in my case) torture you every minute of the day.. I found that too, as soon as I mentioned anything relating to Harm OCD he completely phased out and started asking me unhelpful, let's just call them "checklist questions". Because he seemed so confused I felt I had to keep saying that they are only very unwanted intrusive thoughts, just to reassure him I wasn't a complete psychopath.
  10. Thanks for your input Angst. Here's my one issue with this though, there was no mental health checklist he was going through, they were repeated "but do you think you have hurt someone then?" Or "do you think you will go and hurt someone?", and then he demonstrates a confused (and quite frankly concerned) response which I'm not going to lie made me feel uneasy talking to him further. There was no script I'm afraid, just a 'let's just ask that you're not gonna go and kill or sexually assault someone today and then refer you to someone who deals with this kind of thing'. That's what is disappointing I think, I'm having enough trouble with OCD making me question my own thoughts, memories, sanity... to then have to confirm for the doctor that I haven't actually done anything. It's just counterproductive. Just a bit of compassion and support from a GP when you take your first steps to healing would go a long way, that's what I would fundamentally like to see changed at this point. The specialist help can then follow.
  11. I totally agree, there just doesn't seem to be any regular training for this. You'd think that if most companies are obligated to have their employees complete e-Learning modules on health and safety or safe manual handling, the GPs would need to have some kind of CPD training for mental health disorders. It didn't throw me into more worries than God, but it just disappointed me where at the very least I wanted a doctor who was sympathetic and supportive. Instead he's worrying about threats I pose to other people. Let's hope this improves soon, I've said this before but I truly wouldn't wish OCD on my very worst enemies! I hope your GP consultation goes well on Tuesday taurean!
  12. Hey everyone, So I booked myself in for a consultation with my GP this morning, explained to the receptionist that is was mental health related and she got me in on an early slot. I saw my GP, and explained to him everything relating to my OCD and intrusive thoughts. I explained how sometimes I felt experiences of 'urges' when in triggering situations, and my avoidance, and all about my compulsions, of course alongside the harmful thoughts I was experiencing (and there are many!!). He sat there and typed everything out that I was saying, giving me confused looks every now and again between his typing. He then proceeded to ask me "Do you think you pose an imminent threat to others?" - which was bloody fantastic! He then went on to say "When you're in your triggering environments, do you feel the desire to hurt someone?". Oh and then he went on to say "I have OCD too where I would feel like I need to empty my dirty water bottle and wash it out and then fill it up again. It then resolves for me and I'm happy again". I was getting more and more irate, so I said "so you clearly don't have OCD then" etc etc, and then I asked him how much he knew about Intrusive thoughts relating to harm. It went on very much like this. His element of confusion, him quizzing me on whether I thought I would go out and kill someone, and then telling me he will refer me as urgently needing to see the mental health access team due to me posing an "imminent risk to self or others". Just wanted to share this, clearly there is still not enough understanding of the issue even by GPs. Self referral maybe is the way forward until current mental health campaigns start influencing the NHS. Is going private a better idea do you think? But then you need the money for it.. Such a pickle!
  13. Thank you for your support folks. I was having a very difficult day with it yesterday and have woken up feeling a bit fresher and ready to tackle the day. I guess I just never realised initially how bad this disorder would become or how to tackle it, I genuinely wouldn't wish it on my worst enemies...
  14. Hey, I posted a while ago about my struggles with Harm OCD, and how any of the most horrible ways you could harm or kill someone have crossed my mind and now I completely fear them. I've mentioned this in a previous post that the 'deliberately contaminating someone's drink' fear is the most recent addition to my harm collection, and that's what has crippled me again today. I am terrified of being around drinks of being around harmful substances that can go into drinks. Since my last post I have been quite successfully stopping my compulsions and it has made a world of difference, I truly mean that. But the thoughts were still so scary and even though I didn't engage in compulsions, the thoughts of being around drinks and substances, reviewing my memories to see if I have acted on these thoughts, and the horror of someone dying horrifically whoosh over me and I just can't bear it anymore. I'm not so skilled in avoiding avoidance yet, and I still rush through tasks involving drinks, substances, or ANYTHING that could be a weapon (which I guess is a disguised compulsion). I'm just so scared all the time checking my exhausted and sticky brain to see if I acted on my harmful thoughts.. and I just don't know how to live with it anymore!! I'm getting desperate for all this darkness in my head to stop. I need it to stop.
  15. Thank you very much for this, I gave in this morning and let OCD win. The funniest part is I know that doing compulsions makes the situation worse but there's just still a part of me that feels like I absolutely must fix a problem that doesn't exist; yet it's obvious to me that stopping that is the key to breaking through this. What a pickle!! Thanks again! B
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