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  1. Hey guys and girls, This is a bit of an awkward one. Well, it’s not so much awkward but I feel it’s going somewhere between a rant and a series of questions. What I would like is for anyone who wants to add their two cents because I’m genuinely interested in what everyone has to say. So for starters, allow me to mention the trigger that led to this post. I had just had a shower and I slide across the floor. Because of my inability to no longer trust my judgement, I cannot say say with absolute certainty that through the sliding process that my leg did not touch the toilet base covered no doubt in my brother’s urine. The idea of my leg touching horrified me and my initial reaction was to go for another shower, then instead I looked for reassurance and then I stopped and said “Ok so this is how it is. My anxiety is raised. I’m panicked. I’m looking for something to remove the anxiety, whether it’s cleaning or reassurance. Fact is that I may have not touched it. I can’t say I recall feeling as if I touched it and I’m of the opinion that if there is doubt as to whether something touched, it’s more appropriate to assume it didn’t than it did. Anyway, in the end I just went to bed and I’m living with the anxiety and the whole my duvet may now be covered with my brother’s urine etc etc. Just have to live with it. I’m wondering if this is my breaking point. I’m SICK of going through this OCD stuff. I want it to change. More worryingly, my psychiatrist said I’m not ever going to get over this. And for me, that’s not good enough. I refuse to accept this is my life forever. Of course, it worries me greatly that I have urine of my brother on my bed and there is no way for certainty. But also I feel like giving in is as good as saying that I’m giving in to this forever having a hold on me. Does that make sense?
  2. More than likely a few times a week my friend. And it’s definitely way more than I should do. It’s a problem! But it’s almost automatic a response so I need to unlearn that.
  3. You know what? I swear I’m losing my mind sometimes. For example, I wasn’t sure if my chair banged into my iMac screen. Tonight, I was wiping my screen and I thought I saw something white on the cloth just before I wiped it and now I’m thinking I’ve got phlegm all over my Mac screen. I swear. Losing my mind.
  4. I hear you. I really do. It’s just not that easy.
  5. One day removed from my big outspeak and I’m contemplating the last 24 hours. Essentially, it didn’t go great. Little things really made it harder like the cat vomiting on the floor and then I felt a drop touch my leg while my mum was wiping it up and that freaked me out no end. I also am still VERY irked about not being able to touch soiled clothes. Underwear still wet from urine are untouchable in my eyes and like I said before, after I’ve been for a number 2, there is no way I’m touching those trousers. How people do this and not be completely sick is beyond me. Like, how am I supposed to play my Xbox or go on my computer after touching this sort of stuff.
  6. Top post here by Roy and I think it really gets to the heart of the matter. Essentially, what’s been said is the very key to getting on with OCD. How you do that varies so, for example, mindfulness is a great way through which you focus on being in that part of your mind when you just be. The key is to recognising that obsessions you are having as just that. Obsessive thoughts. It’s just the OCD and you gently have to ease that away. Easier said than done. But Roy, bless you and thank you for sharing!
  7. I believe we must do because otherwise, there would be no success stories here. But let’s just clarify one thing. Anxiety in itself isn’t a bad thing. Everyone has anxiety. An average mentally well person will often have anxiety. It’s a natural evolutionary thing. What you need is to be able to manage your anxiety starts to affect your life to the point where you can’t love and happy and fulfilled life. In cases like this, it’s important to identify when the anxieties you have are overblown or holding you back and preventing you from being happy. With OCD, we perform the compulsions to alleviate the anxiety but this act actually reinforces and makes the threat more threatening and more powerful. So once you can face the anxiety head on, that is when we make progress. You can do it!
  8. Hey all and forgive the bad choice of language! i saw my therapist this week which is always a good thing and I went into with a bit of bee in my bonnet. I know what everyone tells you and whatever but I’m feeling so sick of feeling like this right now. I mean, for the love of God, if life is this horrible, might as well just get yourself completely contaminated and get it over with. The ironic thing about that statement is that by actually doing that and saying “come on then world, give me your best shot’” is that you more often than not realise that the thing you were afraid of actually wasn’t all that scary or consequential. I mean, besides smelling a bit, urine isn’t going to do you much harm, right? Well, tell that to Big Dave here after he smelt his after going to the toilet while lying on the sofa stroking the cat. I panicked like a crazy person and it completely derailed my whole bloody day. From that point, everything was panicked. Everything needed to be wiped. I had to change my clothes THRICE. It was ridiculous and it all stemmed from the fact that my wiping hand touched my trousers on the outside as I pulled them up from going for a number 2. The fact that I have had a bad stomach, a curse of another health problem is thanked for that gem. But alas, it all went to err...well yes, you know what I mean. Regarding the title, what makes me mad is that this darn disorder is so resilient. I used to think I was strong willed but it definitely knows how to best me. I know doubt have a lack of drive and that is something I have discussed at length with my therapist; that my friends is down to the depression. But every single therapy session ends with the same feeling of I’m going to conquer this beast and then within a couple of days, it has me with one arm behind my back pushed up against a wall asking me to give up. Toilet related things are without a doubt one of the worst issues I have along with waste. The situation I am in makes that a bit more difficult but I’m tired of using that an excuse. My parents can get on with their lives fully aware of the situation; truthfully, I think they have let more stuff go because of my brother’s condition and as my therapist said, “in the cold light of day, those compromises are probably fair enough given that it puts less pressure on my brother”. I agree. In a way, I feel slightly mean that I find it more difficult to make those compromises given that it is by no means his fault. Of course, there is an element of me feeling like I’ve worked hard to own nice things and no, I don’t want them soiled but my health puts me in a tight spot as far as that goes. Somewhere, I’m going to have to make a compromise, at least with that. I don’t like it but is going to need to be made. With regards to the rest, such as checking for spit or water on my TV from wet hands or whatever, sure it is a risk that it could happen but no it isn’t the end of the world. With regards to that, I guess part of it is not wanting to spoil it’s perfection despite it being 4 years old. Then there is another element of me not having wet hands if I felt comfortable using all the towels. But you know, most of all, if I can’t feel comfortable pulling up my pants so that I can sit on my computer chair, what hope do I have. Because in my little OCD mind, I have summed up that a) my bottom can never be perfectly clean and even less clean after I’ve actually been to the toilet. b) wiping yourself means, unless your wiping accuracy is 100% and your paper is 15 ply, there is some chance of you getting excrement on your hands. c) it is not really accustomed for you to waddle your way to the sink with your pants around your ankles to prevent your unclean hands from touching your clothes before you wash them and d) even after you wash them, there is no guarantee that the area of discussion is clean anyway. So in conclusion, there is a chance, dependent on your wiping experiences, that by pulling up your pants after you have been to the loo that you will soil your hands and thereby get it on everything you touch from that point. For that reason, if I want to use my computer and my pants are falling down a bit, this would entail pulling up my trousers, washing my hands, drying my hands, and then coming back while worrying I will get water on anything and to me, that seems like a real “pain in the bum”. But that is OCD for you and I realise that in a way by doing the compulsion of cleaning or by avoiding doing anything (which in a way is just as bad as the compulsion), I am getting nowhere. So, essentially, this is just one of a cacophony of examples of why OCD really annoys me. It is a bully, it ruins your valuable free time and it won’t let you go.
  9. Thank you! This genuinely made me laugh out loud.
  10. Sorry, I prematurely hit enter there. Essentially I think I should say that it’s fine and move on. Because what I’m doing is obsessing over the same thought over and over again.
  11. Hmm. Maybe I should have firmly but kindly pushed it away and told it to leave me alone?
  12. Hi guys. I’m not looking for reassurance here as such but I wonder if you could work through something with me. So I was wiping my computer screen this morning and I thought I noticed a bit of white fluff on my black cloth which I thought was probably dust and carried on wiping. At that point, I thought DAMN! what if it was grit. I’ve basically been ruminating on this thought for the whole day about having potentially scratched my screen or even micro scratched it. Every bone in my body wants me to get a light and investigate every inch of the screen to see if there is one but I’m also reasonably sure that by doing that will be giving into a compulsion. So I don’t want to do it. I’m also scared. So I’m not sure what I’m doing right or wrong really. So yeah, I needed to get that off my chest. Thanks!
  13. OCD has a way of questioning your own judgement. It makes you think that you have no ability to make the right call or that you make lots of mistakes. My best example is with contamination OCD. I can be walking past a bin and then stop and think - wait? Did I touch that? I don't think I did but what if? You were drunk. You tapped someone on the bottom. You didn't grope them or molest them. I'm not saying it's the most advisable thing in the world and I'd recommend not doing it in the future but I think you can let this one go now. It's relatively minor.
  14. An online course sounds good. Where would one find that?
  15. I am trying Polarbear, honestly I am. Some days it's better than others but I am definitely in a lull at the moment. I hope that some new medication might be able to get me out of this but I still have some time to wait yet sadly! Been arduous these past few weeks though. Really hoping so. I have a good therapist but we seem to talk more than anything else. I am going to ask him to provide me with some more strategies I think. Thank you Emsie, that is very sweet of you and it means a lot. It's really hard like you say but all we can do is fight and keep trying to do the right things. I just need a few victories right now to get me moving I think and start the ball rolling. Honestly, there is really no need to apologise. The fact that you are reaching out means a lot and I am very grateful
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