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  1. FFS, another night where I think I may have stepped on urine. Thing is I’m not even sure because my foot felt welt but I could only see a tiny splash on the floor. I’ve not trod it into my room like a real idiot
  2. Thanks everyone for the love. I have just come to my room with supposedly unclean hands and dirty hair (I went to the toilet and supposed I had nog washed my arm properly, took my shirt off, touching my hair, drying my hands on the towel and then rubbing my arm against the towel on the way out). I then touched my bed so lord knows what horrid stuff I’ve transferred into my room. But I’m just trying to get through this.
  3. Ok I am going to try harder but I need you to work through something with me. Faeces. Ok. I can work through urine. I don’t like it but I can work through it (I think). But how do I just ignore the risk of spreading poo around. So I’ll give you an example, tonight I’m lying in bed and I guess I clenched and I was sure I touched my bum. I didn’t do anything for a while but I eventually washed my hands because the thought of poo was too much. I just don’t know how normal people can cope with it. I feel like I smell it all the time. If my hand goes near my bottom, I’m in full blown panic mode to the point where I am now worried I don’t know how to clean myself.
  4. Another hard day in the trenches here. Anyone willing for a hug?
  5. Courtney, I know how you're feeling. If it was only so easy to bat away those thoughts and just be like, meh, you know. It's next to impossible I find. I guess the truth is though is that there isn't an easy way out of it and that you have to do something or you're just going to be entrenched in it. I am still trying to figure out what to do myself but I believe that you can do it. If you can be a nurse, then you can do anything!
  6. I agree with you all including what @PolarBear and @OB1 said. It is really ridiculous also that I can't even step foot in my own bedroom without having a deep clean. I mean, realistically, for most people, if you were going to find semen, the bedroom is probably the place you're most likely to find it but the thought of disgust of that being in my room is so strong. As for walking past dustbins and stepping in urine, the same thing applies. I guess I know deep down too that all of this stuff is not going to kill me. I mean, not even deep down. I know that isn't going to harm me. I'm not particularly worried about that. But the thought of other people coming into contact with it or the stuff that is precious to me coming in contact with it makes me very uncomfortable. Like Polar Bear said, I guess I have to ride out those feelings of discomfort. I know what you mean too @snowbear too and I think that the attitude my therapist takes is that you need to step back and say, no, these things are not as bad as you think they are and your responses to it, the compulsions are a strong overreaction. I know what you mean also about cognitive therapy and I've gone through the whole theory A vs theory B philosophy thing - for example, with some of my checking stuff, I can understand that my compulsions are a result of me being a very concerned person for safety and security and that it means that I am more than likely to be very careful with that sort of stuff, not careless like I worry about. In terms of changing my opinions of bodily waste as being dangerous, yeah, I get you. Its hard and it's not just bodily waste, it's stuff like food waste, other people's dirty laundry, other people's bodily fluids, animal excrement, I could go on. One thing that has really crippled me recently is my inability to go into a bathroom or not without being convinced that I am stepping on urine or that my clothing has touched the toilet in someway. I agree with you that saying, oh I don't care is really hard to do because all I can think of is that I am tracking that stuff back into places that are precious to me. It's just really hard and I mean the contamination side of things are far from the only things that are getting me at the moment. But you know, I am trying so hard.
  7. You really should read the book "Break Free from OCD" and read about rumination OCD. You are constantly ruminating over the fact that you are an evil person but it's not the case. You really need to change your way of thinking.
  8. Yeah I am doing therapy. But it’s very hard doing it with the COVID pandemic so it’s all online. Plus, I am going through a really bad point at the moment so I’m not sure what I should do. My next session is in a couple of weeks.
  9. Well Christmas been a real bind this year. I have really struggled over the past 48 hours. There are particular rooms in the house where I just struggle to walk through without feeling the need to change my clothing. And the fact is that if I go anywhere near my lap, all hell breaks loose in my mind and I have to wipe everything that has come in contact with it. I know it's OCD but I am really having a hard time letting go of the compulsions. I can't help but feel severely grossed out by the idea of urine, faeces or semen on any of my beloved items no matter how hard I try. I don't know how to just say to myself, no, it doesn't matter. As for walking past dirty laundry or the waste bins, particularly the one that food is in, same goes. I would love to just relinquish my compulsions, I really would but I have no idea how I can do that.
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