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  1. BigDave

    Feeling low

    An online course sounds good. Where would one find that?
  2. I am trying Polarbear, honestly I am. Some days it's better than others but I am definitely in a lull at the moment. I hope that some new medication might be able to get me out of this but I still have some time to wait yet sadly! Been arduous these past few weeks though. Really hoping so. I have a good therapist but we seem to talk more than anything else. I am going to ask him to provide me with some more strategies I think. Thank you Emsie, that is very sweet of you and it means a lot. It's really hard like you say but all we can do is fight and keep trying to do the right things. I just need a few victories right now to get me moving I think and start the ball rolling. Honestly, there is really no need to apologise. The fact that you are reaching out means a lot and I am very grateful
  3. As I know, in the past, I have posted a lot on this forum and that I have also posted many a time the same things (or at least variants of the same thing), I intend for this post to be more of a documentation of how I’m feeling in so much that I hope that anyone who reads it can relate to it, understand the feelings and so on. I know that the struggles which I write of have no easy fix - at least not really. Even if the solution may seem to be straightforward, I think many of us know that the reality of tackling OCD is a lot more difficult; it’s emotionally and physically taxing and not something that can be switched off like a light switch. So here is my story. I think in truth, I have probably suffered with OCD for many years. I think part of the reason it was undiagnosed for so long was due to the fact that my issues at first were “Pure O” and then over time, they extended and manifested themselves in different ways. I think I also suffer from issues with concentration. I can be doing something and my mind wanders so actually writing something like this can be incredibly hard as I can start this with the best of intentions but then as I go on, I just drift away. It’s annoying that I can’t stay focused. It has been a recurrent failing in my life. I digress (ironically) and back to my OCD, it has now taken many forms. On one hand, I spend almost every day now obsessing about an event that happened nearly a decade ago and how my actions make me the worst person in the world. Then, there are severe contamination issues. Besides that, I have obsessions with order and checking - some more minor than others but they are all in some way OCD related. And my life is a complete and utter mess. Monday to Friday, I work from home praying for the weekend to arrive in the hope of having spare time but when it comes, I’m trapped in anxieties. I am now at the point where now I just lie on my bed, not touching anything because at least that way I can’t become contaminated or contaminate anything. The toilet, bathroom, and kitchen terrify me as do most waste bins. At Christmas, I had an empty plastic box which once contained fruit and I couldn’t find a bin. Then, the one I found had only a small gap to put it in. I tried but it hit the bin and bounced off and I stood there terrified. A man, who thought I was being a litter bug, had a go at me. I just got really upset standing there being told off by someone who had no understanding of what I was feeling. Furthermore, I genuinely hate going to the toilet. I hate having to enter a room where my brother pees all over, a room where most towels are contaminated and when I use the toilet, my bladder and bowel issues make it nearly impossible to get something on me. Whether it be a bit of wee on my leg or a wet patch on my boxers, a bit of something on my hand when I wipe or something equally disgusting. I literally am terrified whenever I have to go. I am constantly mindful of wear my hands are often changing my clothes after going and praying to just get out as clean as possible. This morning, I’ve spent nearly three hours lying on my bed doing nothing because it’s easier than doing anything else. As for the moral obsessions, I don’t want to mention them because I’m so embarrassed and ashamed that I’m afraid how you will look and think of me if I do say it. I’m a mess basically. My therapist thinks I’ve habituated to the drugs I’m on and I’m waiting now to see my psychiatrist. I’m counting down the minutes and I’m desperate. It’s a rough period right now. I hope that no one has to feel like I do and I’m so sorry for those that do.
  4. BigDave

    Feeling low

    PS, I’m hoping the above isn’t the cheesiest thing you have read today. It’s difficult trying to judge the line between motivational + helpful and “oh my God David please stop talking!”
  5. BigDave

    Feeling low

    Hey. I’m sorry for how you are you feeling and want you to know that you are not alone. I’m afraid I can’t offer too much in direct advice. I myself am struggling immensely at the moment but let me leave you with this thought. The books say and the experts say that the only way we can move forward through this is by directly facing the anxieties we have, accepting them as just thoughts and moving on, gently nudging those thoughts away. I know how easy it is to get caught up in a spiral of obsessive thinking. It’s awful and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. It’s good that you can come here and vent though - vent away I say. All you can do is the best you can do and while there are many people out there who can be so matter of fact and firm about it, please just note that I, we, and everyone else don’t want to see you suffer so be strong and try your best. I think it can get better. I hope so. Don’t lose hope.
  6. Serious question. Whenever I walk past my TV, if I as much as breathe, I’m worried about getting spit on my screen. If I walk into my room with wet hands from not being able to find a towel or a shower and dash to my room, I’m worried about moving my hand to close to the tv and getting water on it. Yes I know if I did, it could wipe off but then I ask myself, will it wipe off with just a cloth if I spot it later. IF I use a cleaning liquid, you get that god awful smear effect and I really dont want to go down that road. I swear though, it’s insanity. I am so TRULY fed up with assessing my TV every day but I can’t ignore it. Damn it grr!
  7. I know that I’m wordy but I’m going to be really direct. I’m scared of going to the toilet. Frankly there are too many contamination risks from there. Actually, maybe not even risks. Just things that repulse me. I don’t want my brother’s urine on my clothes or in my bedroom. I don’t want excrement, mine or anyone else’s, on my person or in my room. Living things are disgusting. How have I only just noticed this? And why is it that I seem to be the only human being that gets stuff on their hands? Am I incredibly unlucky? Or are people touching taps with pooey hands I’m not aware of this. Seriously, I feel like the big third act reveal is that everyone and everything is disgusting.
  8. It’s been a couple of days since my last post and I’m doing better even though I can feel the negative thoughts there. I’ve been transparent with my parents about everything as I think they need to know I’m feeling suicidal so that has helped matters somewhat, also just for getting it off my chest. I know that I am relentlessly persecuting myself though and it’s not conducive to anything. I feel like I need to get my life back on track now. It’s really gone off the rails and it’s really sad seeing the man in the mirror that I’ve become.
  9. Hi all, I thought I'd post an update as I've been away from a few days now and it has been mostly because I've been in a bad spot. It's amazing what a trigger can be. This time, for it, it was one of those scam callers on a quiet Friday afternoon that really freaked me out. I should have realised that I wasn't in a fit state to handle this sort of thing but I tried it head on and since then, my OCD has been really spiralling out of control. It really has been taking on all forms In the form of Pure O and guilt OCD (if you can call it that) where I have basically been pummelling myself with thoughts that I am a bad person and a criminal and I've been feeling really suicidal and low. Amazingly, it is drawing on memories from many years ago now (nearly a decade) but I have been constantly beating myself up about it. And despite being told that it is nothing or really minor, I have been really hitting myself hard. I have been suicidal and I have been really hating myself so much. I am actually surprised I am writing to you right now because I really felt at one point there was nothing more for me and my OCD was really smashing me hard. I have also had severe relapses of contamination OCD (in the form of washing my hands, as well as being paranoid that when I am washing my hands, water is bouncing off the toilet or the toilet floor (as it is right next to the sink) and bouncing onto me. I am consequently changing my clothes and towels regularly and pretty much afraid to go to the toilet in fear of finding a puddle of urine on the floor from my brother or literally at the thought of having to wash my hands and get toilet splash back on me). Then there is the usual stuff such as touching walls, or door handles or anything. It almost seems that the more I try and tackle this, the harder it gets and it tries to scare me off doing it. But to be honest, it has been the worst it has been for a while. Then there has been the checking stuff. This is mostly in terms of my TV but not limited to it. The best thing is the example of it I walk into my room with wet hands or if I walk past my TV and spit, I am constantly in fear that I have got water or saliva on my TV screen. And while I know that the actual result is innocuous and would just need a quick wipe to get rid of it, I find myself checking every square inch of the TV, finding it is fine, then wiping it, then walking away, then believing that I've spat on it again, wipe it, check it, walk away, then go back and wipe it again, check it etc etc. It is so frustrating and I lost an entire night last night doing exactly that. There are plenty of other things that are going on but those are the big three examples. I am completely miserable right now. I am just so sick of this. I really want to believe I can change but I don't think I'm strong enough. I am trying to do the techniques. I am carefully listening to my therapist. But I think this thing has beaten me. My depression is helping me see to that . Anyway, I just really wanted to vent. You guys probably think I'm an idiot by now or just a really bad person or something. Sorry for bothering you.
  10. BigDave

    HOCD no longer?

    I don’t mean to play devil’s advocate but so what if you were gay? What would it really matter in the scheme of things? It wouldn’t make you anything different as a person. You’d still be the same great person that your friends and family like. And if that changes, which these days, is highly unlikely but if it did, then they aren’t that great of people. That being said, you have to remember that with OCD, when you have something like this, your mind is going to be so much more narrow scoped because your anxiety is high and you’ll be looking for changes. So, for example, if you see a topless guy, your mind will be focused in to any groinal changes whatsoever. In reality, they might be completely minor but what does that really mean? You are allocating far more importance to them than they are worth. Not to mention, I’m pretty sure that with the anxiety you must feel when you are with a woman, it is probably unsurprising that you are finding interest difficult because you are in full blown analysis mode. Finally, and let’s be honest, male arousal is pretty straightforward. I mean a cool breeze can be enough to set some guys off some times. It is the way we are made and there are going to be times when you get aroused and you aren’t going to be clear why. Stop trying to always apply meaning to it and then ruminate over it. Ok, so you got an erection a few times seeing topless men. Not a big deal, friend.
  11. BigDave


    I can imagine it is all very disorientating but to be honest you’ll be setting some other guy’s tail wagging before too long. You are a good Mum, a sweetheart and so much more. Those that don’t deserve you shouldn’t have you!
  12. Well that is the only way to start to feel better. Good luck.
  13. Procrastinate on the subject isn't going to help. Make the leap. See th GP and get his opinion. If you need to go private, you can do that later. You can't do either if you don't start somewhere.
  14. BigDave

    Depressed about a relationship.

    Glad you are doing better. You are going through a really tough time and you have been in my thoughts. The "winter blues" definitely hit some of us harder than others. Also, relationships sometimes end badly. The important thing is to stay away from the toxicity and if you are always fighting, in the long run it is definitely for the best. Take care and keep well.
  15. I know the feeling. I think at this point it is really important for Bruce to be proactive. Yes, it is the hardest thing but I think we will go round in circles otherwise. Bruce is typing out his thoughts on here so all he is doing is vocalising his ruminations. Avoidance won't help him though. Action action action is key.