Any help is super appreciated... Struggling

[hazydaze]

Hey friends,

Definitely somewhat of a read, I'm extremely grateful for those who have the time to make it through this xo

Right now I'm struggling back and forth with ruminating mostly, and while I know the best thing to do is to try to just let things go, it's so difficult because of the content (isn't it always!)

I really love my boyfriend, and recently (this past Thursday) we had a fun game night with a couple friends with drinks and I got drunk enough, not blacking out by any means but I was feeling intoxicated for sure. 

Anyway, an ex of mine (this relationship ended close to 3 months ago), and it was a DETRIMENTAL relationship. We had been friends before dating, and in the beginning of our relationship and a few times through out he was very sweet, and it did hurt when it ended despite all the bad stuff. 

I've seen him a couple of times since then, and no issues (meaning I don't recall having feelings or stressing about the interactions), and have texted him and such since then, a couple times getting anxious about what I would say and why, worrying if I still had feelings. So I suppose, I've worried about this before, more so in the first month after the break up, but there are times when it hasn't bothered me.

My current boyfriend is fantastic and he has no issue with me being friends with my ex (as long as it would be actually a healthy thing), and this past Thursday game night I was referring to above, my ex texted me out of the blue. I don't recall having been thinking too much about him before. Of course I'm questioning that now but I don't really think I was. And when he texted me to ask me a question, once that was answered, I consciously kept the convo going. I recall thinking to myself whether or not I should and questioning my intentions, and ultimately decided to keep the convo going. I did tell my boyfriend I was texting my ex as well. I now question my intentions. I know I love my boyfriend and have been so worried about screwing it up. I worry though that maybe I was trying to self sabotage??

Nothing "bad" was said exactly, though at one point that night I sent a text to my ex that said something like, "unfortunately we never had the real reallllll convo." We had been discussing our relationship and how it ended kinda thing.

And then I didn't message back for hours and when I did, I said that I meant that unfortunately I never broke down my walls, but that regardless we both know we wouldn't have worked out and we both are good with that.

But there were hours inbetween, and I feel so guilty like what was going through my mind, why did I have to say it was unfortunate. Cause trust me, in reality, it is FORTUNATE that that relationship ended!! But what I can tell you for sure is that I liked talking my ex. Our convo continued the following day (Friday) and then Saturday, and I definitely did enjoy talking to him and wanted to. I'm not 100% what that was about, but I feel like maybe there were feelings coming up cause I just can't really explain why I would want to talk to him. I tried to explain it as wanting to be friends, but I don't know about that. The more I think about it the more I feel like it was because I felt something in a romantic way.

We did get into talking about where stuff went wrong, so I suppose it was an interesting to a degree. But! It only got that far cause I had kept the convo going. I was drinking the first night, but I also know that I enjoyed talking to him sober and wanted to, like I liked it, I just don't fully understand why. I did get a lot of thoughts about him, but I just want to say how much I want to be with my current boyfriend. I've never met someone so perfect for me.

The ruminating is coming in where I can't stop telling my boyfriend about this, I've had him read all the texts that went back and forth between my ex and I over those days, and I said that I was sorry if any old feelings fueled anything I said or me wanting to keep talking to my ex. And honestly, I'm now starting to doubt I said this.. even though we were talking about this an hour ago..

But it just doesn't feel like enough, I feel like I haven't said it the right way, or that I've left something out. Like somehow I haven't told him the whole truth. He's been amazing and very understanding, and I don't know I just feel like this can't be over like I did something really bad and wrong, to me it feels almost like I cheated on him or something. It's just been really really hard. It makes me feel horrible and I've been trapped in my head on and off the last few days, and I am not doing great with this

Whether or not I had or have feelings for my ex isn't necessarily the issue here, as I know that I would never go back to him, despite those weird thoughts and wanting feelings. Those pass, and I know that. But I feel like they were there, and the fact I chose to talk to my ex makes me feel super guilty. And even though I've talked to my boyfriend lots about this, and he's been really great, idk I'm having a really really hard time getting over this. Like I've been missing something out. Like maybe I'm not admitting there were feelings?? Like I have to declare it as factual??

idk this is a weird ocd thing for me kind of, it isn't in the sense that I have ocd surrounding my current boyfriend because I do not want to screw this up, but just how this one is going. It's really been difficult, I just can't seem to be satisfied and let it go I feel like by doing that I've left something out, and I'm living a lie in my relationship with someone I love and want to be totally truthful toward.

thank you for reading, and for any and all help xo

 

I wanted to quickly add that I don't really remember the first night while I was drinking but the days that I talked to my ex sober, there were definitely thoughts and stuff, of a romantic nature, to which after thinking over logically is like WHAT I would not do that!!! Some thoughts more fleeting than others, but just wanted to say they were there. I'm literally so lost with all this, I'm not even 100% sure what answers I'm looking for I just want to be totally honest with my boyfriend and know that I've been honest and then I can move on. I guess I'm also asking if it sounds like I should call it factual whether or not I had/have feelings for my ex or whatever, which you won't be able to answer, but yeah that's basically how spun out I am at this point stressing about this. Uggghhh

Thanks again xo

Edited June 30, 2020 by hazydaze

[UpsAndDowns]

Hello!

Sorry to hear you're struggling with this!

At one point you wrote, "But it just doesn't feel like enough, I feel like I haven't said it the right way, or that I've left something out. Like somehow I haven't told him the whole truth."

It sounds like your mind is going to continue to feed you doubts no matter what you do.  You still have the doubts even after showing your boyfriend the text messages.

I think you should accept that you have these doubts and live with them.  Part of OCD is that we can't find certainty, no matter how hard we try.

Hope you feel better soon :-)

 

[jballan]

Well, I would encourage you to read what you wrote and find all the distorted thinking errors. You are over analyzing a situation, and seeking reassurance from your boyfriend that it's okay to feel the way you feel. You need to STOP IT! Stop analyzing the situation to death, you are turning it into something that it doesn't need to be. Trust me, your boyfriend is very understanding right now, but this type of reassurance seeking is very hard on the other person (the person doing the reassuring). 

I think it would be wise to come up with a rational response to your rationallizing. When you start to question things, say something to yourself to stop the loop. Like "Yes, I am tlaking to my ex, it's okay, I don't have feelings for him. I'm seeking closure and understanding. My  boyfriend supports me and I am happy with him. I don't need to seek assurance." Just reassure yourself. Tell yourself it's okay to feel how you feel. Reassure yourself confidently. And when you start to question yourself again, restate a statement that is true so you don't need that reassurance from somebody else. 

[hazydaze]

On 30/06/2020 at 18:20, UpsAndDowns said:

Hello!

Sorry to hear you're struggling with this!

At one point you wrote, "But it just doesn't feel like enough, I feel like I haven't said it the right way, or that I've left something out. Like somehow I haven't told him the whole truth."

It sounds like your mind is going to continue to feed you doubts no matter what you do.  You still have the doubts even after showing your boyfriend the text messages.

I think you should accept that you have these doubts and live with them.  Part of OCD is that we can't find certainty, no matter how hard we try.

Hope you feel better soon

 

Thank you so much, I meant to quote a section but I'm not very good at this. I so agree with my mind keep wanting to feed me doubts. Every time I perform a ruminating compulsion or whatever type of compulsion, I feel better for a minute or sometimes not even, and then my OCD has come up with something further or more complicated that now I feel I must confess to! It's such a sneaky bully!
Thank you for your response, very helpful

[hazydaze]

On 01/07/2020 at 14:49, jballan said:

Well, I would encourage you to read what you wrote and find all the distorted thinking errors. You are over analyzing a situation, and seeking reassurance from your boyfriend that it's okay to feel the way you feel. You need to STOP IT! Stop analyzing the situation to death, you are turning it into something that it doesn't need to be. Trust me, your boyfriend is very understanding right now, but this type of reassurance seeking is very hard on the other person (the person doing the reassuring). 

So true, haha this made me smile, I do need to stop it!!!!  

and thank you so much for saying that, I was thinking that too. my boyfriend has been so supportive, but this will become challenging for him if I keep it up. I've been through this before with a supportive boyfriend, but I reassurance sought soooo much that it became really hard on him I think. 

On 01/07/2020 at 14:49, jballan said:

nd when you start to question yourself again, restate a statement that is true so you don't need that reassurance from somebody else

Great advice, I'm going to come up with my own little mantra for this OCD.

thank you for taking the time to help me!  

[UpsAndDowns]

Glad to help, I hope you're doing better :-)