My husband's OCD is now turning against me

[Debra118]

Hi everyone I'm new here.  I've reached a point where I don't know where/who to turn to. My husband suffers with Intrusive Thoughts, the subject changes every few years usually with some respite in between. He's currently furloughed and I work full-time so being left alone all day has increased his ruminations. He's sleeping most of the time or on the sofa gaming. Everyday he asks me to take days off because he doesn't want to be alone and if I do he just stays in bed.  Every evening I get home, I've hardly got my coat off and he needs to tell/ask me something about his thoughts. He's only on 30mg seroxat and has been for 20 yes, from what I've read it doesn't seem enough, I've begged him to call the gp to discuss his meds. One day he says yes, the next he comes out with 20 reasons why he won't. Hes currently having CBT with MIND via phone and would only do it if I'm with him which the therapist agreed. But he's not honest with her playing down his episodes. He is finding the techniques useful, but instead of questioning and doubting himself he's now turned on me thinking I'm lying to him not accepting the reassurance he sought from me is genuine. I've always had boundaries with him and he trusted my judgements and advice. But I can't handle him turning against me. I'm standing fast and not allowing myself to get dragged in but,  he's twisting and questioning everything I say.  I suffer with depression and anxiety, its effecting my ability to do my job effectively, im breaking down at work, I dread going home,  I just can't take anymore and am applying for counselling through my OH. I know His OCD  is attacking me because my husband new tools is helping him combat the thoughts on his own , so it needs fresh meat, ie me but I need some respite its overwhelming 

[Gemma@OCDUK]

Hi Debra,

Welcome to the forum

I'm sorry to hear how much of a tough time you're having. It does sound like your husband may be reducing some compulsions with the help of therapy and then increasing others which obviously isn't the aim of CBT. It's common for sufferers who seek reassurance to question that reassurance and never be satisfied and it can take a huge toll. Do you think you could ask to be involved in one of his therapy sessions, so that you could talk about your role in your husband's compulsions and to agree on a strategy going forward?

In terms of medication, if your husband is not noticing any benefits from the Seroxat then it might be time for a medication review, but it is his choice whether or not to do that.

Are you able to talk to your husband about the effects his compulsions are having on you?

Gemma

[Debra118]

Hi Gemma 

 

Thank-you for your reply,  I can ask the therapist but last week she told him that if it had been face to face therapy they would not allow me to be present. I try not to take an active role in his sessions, he wants me there for support and as an aide memoire to remind him of episodes he may have forgotten. 

After any episodes we talk about about the effects it has, he apologises and says he doesn't mean to. But when he is clear headed he plays down the intensity of his episodes and the effect it has on us both.  He can switch from being highly emotional to totally normal once he gets his reassurance fix. While I'm still reeling he will have moved on to a totally random topic. 

Edited February 4, 2021 by Debra118
Grammar

[Gemma@OCDUK]

Hi Debra,

As far as we are aware, as long as your husband is happy to include you in some or all of a therapy session, then there is no reason that you can't be included. It's particularly important if he is using you to do some of the compulsions that keep his problem going. 

I think a lot of loved ones would identify with still feeling upset by things, once reassurance has been sought. The amount of questions and sheer pressure of OCD is a lot to cope with. That's why it's great that you are reaching out for support for yourself, because your mental wellbeing is equally important.

We do have some presentations from our online conference that might be helpful, you could even watch them together with your husband, if you think it could help with communication. There is one by Dr Lauren Callaghan on helping a loved one with OCD https://www.ocduk.org/conference/conference-map/family/helping-family-member-with-ocd/ , there is also a presentation by Prof Mark Freeston on understanding OCD and why loved ones get involved https://www.ocduk.org/conference/conference-map/main/understanding-why-people-with-ocd-do-what-they-do/ 

Gemma