Hello, new here, struggling but not sure where to go

[davidc]

Hello all, as above, I'm new here, and seeking some direction please.

I'm not sure whether what is impacting me is OCD, in some form or any form. But "OCD"  is the word I use to convey to others what impacts me daily. It seems trivial and manageable, "just part of normal life" to an outsider, but to me, it's slowly killing me and robbing me of my life.

My issue is "home perfectionism". I'm embarrassed even writing this, it feels so pathetic. For me, the lack of tidiness, the lack of perfection, the "rust and the dust" of decline and aging, scratches, damage, imperfect work done by workmen, my young children leaving stuff around and leaving the home a mess, piles of stuff around, the kitchen/bathroom/windows/garden that needs replacing. It's what we all deal with over time right? But for me each of these feels like daggers in my eyes, a mental list of stuff that needs to be done now and ticked off for me to feel right, and I'll only feel right when it's all done. But then, as I've found out, logically I know there'll be more to do again. It makes me feel so ashamed and I don't have friends and my family over and would dread a visit, as I feel so ashamed of how I'm living, in such a mess.

It's been the same everywhere I've lived - from flats to houses in varying degrees. It's an obsession, and I can't go on with it. We moved house a couple of years ago, and already I'm thinking of moving again, also thinking of leaving my wife and children, just to try and escape this awful feeling.  It's ruining my life. I've already done this before, back in 2005, when I left my wife and we ended up separating. We've moved home together 3 or 4 times since then.

Also, to say, it's not about money, or "having the best house on the road", it's none of that. It's just about feeling comfortable where I am.

From a logical perspective - this is madness, I live in a nice area, in a nice house. My Dad if he was around would probably say to "grow up and be grateful for everything you have as you have a lot". But for me, the imperfections, the stuff that "needs fixing" is driving me over the edge. 

I don't have perfectionism in my work, I'm fairly pragmatic. But with my home (and also I daren't buy a new car for fear of that "first scratch") it's the imperfection that just completely takes the joy out of living. I've tried therapy, I've tried the online NHS, without success. I honestly don't think they understand what I am go through because it seems so trivial to the outsider.  I won't go on anti-depressants. The only things I've tried are the "Mr Happy Stack" which does take the edge of things, but is by no means a solution. In terms of OCD traits, yes I do have certain patterns and procedures, and a need for symmetry and order, but this "house obsession" feels way more than any of that.

Does anyone have any ideas for what I can do to get help? I know it sounds trivial, but as I say, for me it's like 24x7 daggers in my eyes and it stops my home, being a home for me, and my wife and children. Desperate for help.

Thank you

 

Edited February 27, 2021 by davidc

[Hal]

Hi David,

Welcome to the forum.

You shouldn't feel embarrassed and you're definitely not pathetic..what you've written here isn't trivial at all....

22 hours ago, davidc said:

But for me each of these feels like daggers in my eyes, a mental list of stuff that needs to be done now and ticked off for me to feel right, and I'll only feel right when it's all done.

 

...it's OCD to a T, and the need you feel for complete perfection is having a severe impact on your quality of life. I know you've sought help before, but the quality of care, treatment and know how can still be quite hit and miss. Better help is out there though...would you consider having another word with your GP and tell them what you've written here? I've done this too in the past, but don't sugar coat it. Explain the impact this is having on you and you need another referral for one-to-one CBT. 

I know how hard it is living with these feelings, it's really hard, but believe me you can't out run them. If you did decide to leave your family or move home again, the problem...the OCD will only follow you and you'll be in much the same place as you are now. Going the CBT route again will help you get to the root of the problem once and for all and allow you to really enjoy your home again. That's the way forward, and the charity will be with you every step of the way if you were to hit problems accessing the support you deserve.

[davidc]

Thanks so much for the reply Hal. Nice to receive confirmation on "...it's OCD to a T" at least! Yes, I will speak with my GP to get a referral for one-to-one CBT.

You're right of course, I've never managed to outrun it, it's been there for every house/flat move where I've owned the property and not rented.

Thank you again, and thank you for the welcome.

Best wishes David