Advice needed please

[Freda]

Hi,

Our 26 year old son has OCD. When I sit and think I realise he has had this since childhood really, but you make excuses or you simply don't think it's that bad and it's something he 'will grow out of'. Perhaps ignorance too played a part. Up until now I really didn't realise how bad his OCD is and the impact it is having on him. His obsession is about checking and doubting himself. It's got to the point that it takes him anything from 30 minutes to an hour to leave the house, also at work there are issues when he has to complete daily checks and lock up at the end of the day. Recently there has been 'flare ups' with periods when he is completely apathetic, can't sleep or sleeps excessively, cannot concentrate or simply sits stares into space and does nothing. In fact I would say he has depression. About two months ago he ' opened up' and sobbed uncontrollably, we talked for hours to identify a trigger, I listened tried not to judge, offer advice or comment, just listen and make sense of it all and try and piece things together to understand why our son is like this. I asked him outright if he was suicidal and he assured me he wasn't. At that point I didn't know how his OCD was controlling him. Last night he talked again. He showed me 1000 photographs on his phone, I couldn't believe how many of all the objects he checks daily.  He explained he has tried this strategy to cope with his anxiety and to try and control his rituals about the constant checking. He spoke at length about what daily life is like for him and as a mom I am ashamed to say I hadn't realised it was so so awful for him. So again we sat and listened, hugged and I assured him we are here for him 100% and would help in any way we can. We looked on the internet for self help and I suggested counselling, as I feel I am more than willing to help but I feel I don't say the right things or don't know the right advice to give. I suggested private counselling too, as I feel he needs desperately needs help now  and I would happily pay to get the right person to sup[port him through this. He promised me faithfully he would phone a local NHS helpline or our GP before he left for work but he didn't We didn't challenge him or say anything about it as we fear we would be putting pressure on him and he has enough of that coping with what's going on in his head at the moment. I simply do not know what to do next. I'm scared to ask how he is, what sort of day he has had, or ask if he has contacted anyone. I really feel if he made a positive small step to controlling his OCD he would generally feel better, I understand it's not a quick fix but I'm just thinking its a small step in the right direction to do some healing. I can see his hurting, he looks dreadful some days as though he has the world on his shoulders. I also understand I cannot make him go and talk to someone and that he needs to activate this and he needs to seek help but he uses avoidance so much. When I reflect, he uses avoidance a lot. Sp if there is anyone out their who could please give me some advice as a very worried mum of how i can continue to help him I would be extremely grateful. Thanks

Edited April 23, 2021 by Freda
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[Gemma@OCDUK]

Hi Freda,

I'm really sorry to hear how much you son is struggling at the moment, and naturally you must feel very worried about him. The checking compulsions that you mentioned like taking photos are really common amongst people with OCD, and 1,000 photos is not surprising. We know that checking is typically done to make 100% sure that nothing is wrong and the photos are there as proof. probably to be checked at a later point. The problem with OCD is that the more checking we do the more we are unsure, causing more and more checking, this is called the OCD vicious cycle.

I think it's important for you and your son to know that you are not alone, there are so many people out there struggling with similar issues. The current recommended treatment for OCD is Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) with Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP), which looks at the meanings we place on our thoughts and how we can react differently to them. CBT differs from counselling in that it is much more of a doing rather than talking therapy. You really can learn the tools to challenge and overcome OCD.

CBT is freely available on the NHS and if your son is in England he can self-refer to his local mental health services. You can find your local service here https://www.nhs.uk/service-search/find-a-psychological-therapies-service/ If he is elsewhere in the UK then he would need to speak to his GP about a referral to his local community mental health team.

I know it can help some loved ones of those struggling to read up on OCD, to really understand how OCD works. A self-help book like Break Free from OCD is a great place to start https://www.ocduk.org/shop/break-free-from-ocd/ 

We also have some great presentations from our online conference that may be helpful to watch, you can access them all here https://www.ocduk.org/conference/conference-map/ Two particularly helpful ones might be Mark Freeston's presentation on ''Understanding why people with OCD do what they do, and why other people get involved'' https://www.ocduk.org/conference/conference-map/main/understanding-why-people-with-ocd-do-what-they-do/ and Lauren Callaghan's presentation on ''Helping a family member or partner with OCD'' https://www.ocduk.org/conference/conference-map/family/helping-family-member-with-ocd/

Gemma  

[Freda]

Hi Gemma

Many thanks for replying. I'll have a look at what you have recommended. Our son does live in the UK and every day he is going to make that phone call to get help... but to date he hasn't. I think we have just got to be patient, surround him with love and support without putting any pressure on him? We have decided not to ask if he has contacted anyone and just wait for him to share when he is ready. I just know him so well and he uses avoidance an awful amount of times. He actually said to me this morning ' I know I've got to get help mum and I will as I can't continue to live like this'. One positive is that he is a fitness fanatic, so spends a lot of time in the gym  or at work and we have a home gym set up too (due to COVID the amount of equipment he has has grown!) so at least he has that. Many thanks again for your time and suggestions. It is appreciated.