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Ashley

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Everything posted by Ashley

  1. As Gemma mentions, if you would like to attend the conference (I realise it's a long way from your location), but if we can help by slightly reduced tickets then please email myself at ashley@ocduk.org
  2. Once was enough.... I suspect this in itself is a compulsion (well the second and third time). Could it be that they find nothing wrong with the images, and much of this is OCD making more out of the problem than is actual reality? Equally the images may be dodgy, but you have reported now and your job is done. No more checking for them, no more reporting, both of which would be compulsions. From an OCD perspective seeing the images, feeling arousal means nothing. Do I feel attracted to young girls when they are dressed up ready for a night out? Of course I do. Would I still feel the same if they were aged 14,15,16,17, possibly and probably still yes. I might even feel some arousal in a brief moment, but that doesn't mean I am a paedophile it just means I briefly liked a pretty girl. Would I feel arousal if I absolutely knew they were under age? If I was deliberately trying not to be aroused, then I almost certainly would, yes. It's what OCD does, it's what our mind and body can do sometimes (against our will), that doesn't mean I am a paedophile either. For example, how is your left foot right now, think of your left foot, just your left foot.. feel a little tingly sensation in your left foot? I do as I write that line. It's my mind focussing on a part of my body. Same applies here, by trying not to feel arousal, most people will feel something. That is OCD, it's nothing more.
  3. Thanks for asking BelAnna. Isn't this the way. With the office stuff, I felt great no problem.... until I tried to do a nice thing (again this this issue).... I offered to take my new colleague for a lunchtime sandwich in Belper to show her the local area. As she went to get into my car, I saw her bag and I nearly said, "don't put it on the floor", but I held off (trying to not give in to OCD) and of course it went on the floor. I tried not to focus too much on that. Anyway, I didn't look to see where she put the bag when we got back and later in the afternoon I had a look to see which part of the floor it was (on purpose). I won't lie my anxiety was back up, at least 4 maybe 5 on my scale of 10. But, I did the right things... I think. I didn't ask her to avoid the floor I didn't 'track' the bag After she left I did go and touch that part of the office floor where she had put the bag Because I 'chose' to do the exercise my anxiety did come down (rather than a forced exposure which leads to anxiety going up). So as I left the office maybe a 3. Less so since I got home, perhaps a 2, so tomorrow morning I need to touch that part of the floor again, and I guess the bag bottom itself. At some point I need to touch the car floor but that's definitely a 6 at the moment.
  4. Because you went looking for it! Not the specific images as such, but you went looking for reassurance and when it comes to OCD if you look for anything (i.e. dog mess), in the hope of not finding it, you will find it! All OCD does when it comes to testing for reassurance is set more doubts, uncertainty and triggers. I am sure people will reply when they are on later or over the next few days and feel they have something they can say to help. It's a difficult subject and not everybody feels comfortable to respond. In all honestly this is very much a conversation that needs to be had with a trained therapist to help you see the wood for the trees. If I am honest, maybe it's just me, but I am struggling to understand some of your posts, of course I understand OCD itself is clouding your clarity too and it may be that which is coming out in the posts. It may be this is another reason other users are struggling to respond (plus it's the weekend and people are perhaps out and about). I am sure more replies will come over next few days. But one thing I am not actually clear from your posts what you were googling beyond the initial search for naked wives? When you say you google a victim of child porn what do you mean by that?
  5. I did it! Felt great sitting on the floor putting the desk together. Thank you for all your encouragement guys.
  6. Thank you again guys. Easy to forget that just 10 days ago this would have been impossible, I was absolutely dreading having to build the new work desk for Nicola. But here I am kneeling with the brand new desk/chair ready to build up over the weekend. Zero anxiety.
  7. Hope it went well Tez? I am afraid my OCD got the better of me this evening so I didn't get chance to tune in. Is there a replay feature do you know? I am sure you nailed it thought!
  8. Thank you guys, you are right, a week ago I could not have done some of those things in the office I had lost perspective there. It feels great actually being able to put boxes on the floor and take boxes from under the workbench. We have a new team member starting on Monday, Nicola and for weeks I had been dreading having to get a desk in for her. But tomorrow morning I am nipping to Ikea to get the work desk and instead of looking to the weekend with dread when I build it up, I am actually ok about it. But today did suck, I actually posted about it in a series of tweets earlier... This week is OCD awareness week, and today, following a few good days of progress, I got slapped down by the OCD which made me realise the importance of honesty with myself, and the people I work with with about the failures, as much as my achievements. 1/13 So I want to explain how OCD impacted on me today. This is not comfortable for me, it's embarrassing, and leaves me open to ridicule, but I know I am not alone, so I hope somebody reading will take comfort in knowing they're not alone either. 2/13 Using CBT techniques I've overcome the majority of my OCD problems, but the one area I still have problems with is fear of sexual body fluids. This obsessive fear remains because I was STUPID, allowed embarrassment prevent me talking about this, I buried my head in the sand 3/13 So because of this obsessive fear, I've avoided any kind of sexual interaction (even on own), that in itself allowed fear to grow I suspect. But sometimes my body takes over when asleep , that's what happened this morning. So I want to explain what that means in real terms.4/13 The only way I can rid anxiety (that word not doing do the anguish justice) in that moment is to 'feel' clean. That involves four step set of rituals, added together take three hours. I will go through that to help casual readers understand that OCD is not just hand washing.5/13 Step 1. Get out of bed, careful not to let body touch walks/door. Use loo, run bath to clean contaminated body, shower off. I am now clean. The problem here is, the loo and bath taps are now contaminated. 6/13 Step 2. Bedclothes also contaminated so need to go in wash. First, open washing machine door, turn it on, powder in and press start. Strip bed, careful not to let bedclothes touch walls, into machine. But hands and body now re-contaminted so use foot to close WM door. 7/13 Back into bathroom. Before showering to feel clean again I use dosmestos bleach spray to first clean bath, especially taps wiping with cleaning cloth. Then spray and wipe every aspect of the toilet, trying not to retch at strong chemical. Finally into shower (shower 5-10 min)8/13 Step 3. Using dettol kitchen spray and cleaning clothes I now have to clean the bed frame, phone (as next to bed) and walls and door handles all way to kitchen. Finally, back into bathroom for final shower. At this point, I am now clean and can get on with my day... sort of! 9/13 Step 4. When I return home after work, I have one final step... cleaning the now contaminated washing machine. So firstly I need bin liner, then using dettol spray and kitchen towel I spray the outside of washing machine, then inside (bed clothes still inside). 10/13 Then I spray floor around WM and wipe clean. All days used cleaning clothes and empty dettol/bleach bottles into bin liner and then out to rubbish bin. Back in to shower and almost job done, almost! Once out shower, WM gets two wash cycles to get bedclothes clean. 11/13 At this point the entire set of rituals is complete... until next time. I use 2 bleach bottles, 3 dettol bottles all taking three hours. I do use latex gloves for bleach part. One time I forgot to take them in, and bleach destroyed hands, red sore for few days. 12/13 If you found my story exhausting reading, trust me, it's 1000 times more exhausting living through that! That's #OCD, that was my day today. Despite this, I believe in recovery, I will 100% recover. 13/13
  9. Thank you Andrea and everyone for your kind words. Today kind of sucked. I was triggered at home first thing and I ended up with 2.5 hours of rituals this morning before I could leave the house. I made such progress last week, but today the main fear was triggered and I just struggle to move, when it strikes I am totally lost and unable to challenge and end up in 2.5 hours of rituals. Just feel so frustrated, I know I have work to day which is what today's shown me, I have to confront but I believe I need to understand why this matters so much, in order to confront and move forward. But on a positive once I let the house and got into the office I placed my phone on the once contaminated piece of floor and touched it, so a big failure today and a little repeat success.
  10. WTG Tez, you are a brilliant OCD-UK Ambassador! I guess (if not already done it) is explain that OCD is not just about hand washing or cleaning (but make the point that when it is, it's driven by anguish and anxiety) and perhaps explain that OCD can be about horrible intrusive thoughts about harm for example.
  11. So back in the office today. I did pop in briefly for a hour Saturday, partially to touch those two 'contaminated' areas and that went ok. I didn't come across yesterday (mainly because it was ******* it down and I was being lazy ) so today the anxiety had not increased really from the 1 or 2 out of 10 that it had been Saturday, but it did feel slightly more leaning towards 2/3 on my self-marked anxiety scale... but thankfully not enough to stop me. So after half hour being in here I went and touched the floor and the area under my desk. I placed my brand new phone on the workbench stand as I dispatched orders, dropped it on the contaminated floor. Rubbed my hands under the bench, even popped my head under to brush my hair against it. Rubbed my hands all over my face and hair. Anxiety back to the 1 maybe 2 on the scale already. My plan is to repeat, repeat, repeat each day this week and with luck, the anxiety will be barely registering by the end of the week. Then..... I have to start thinking about the contaminated areas across at home... gulp.
  12. Yes you are right Eternal, we are talking about Deep Brain Stimulation, the TMS consultation closed a few weeks ago.
  13. Today marks the start of OCD Awareness Week (#OCDweek) and of course we continue our efforts with #OCDtober. Read more about our involvement and why we hope it will lead to implementing positive change and improved access to 'quality' OCD treatment. https://ocduk.org/welcome-to-ocd-awareness-week We will be sharing content each day of OCD Awareness Week focusing on many of the common OCD myths and misconceptions. Check them out on our website just under the latest news section. Here is the first for #OCDweek
  14. Meant to say this was less today, maybe 1 or 2 earlier today and after doing the other exposure this bit dropped to 1 on anxiety scale. Hopefully with a bit more work next week will be down to 0.
  15. I decided to uncontaminate my entire office. There was an area under workbench I'd not touched all year. This was more of a challenge, if the other part of floor was 2/3 out of 10 anxiety yesterday, this area was 3/4. But somehow I did it, I moved the boxes and touched, Sue encouraged me to climb under the desk. I look ridiculous but I'm ridiculously happy to be able to so this. Two days ago and the preceding 6-9 months I could not so this. My worry is how I will feel Monday, but tomorrow I'll go again and pop over to move a box in and out... and every day next week do same. No way could I have done this a few days ago! I will celebrate tonight with coke and chocolate, but I'm also aware I have more work to do here next week to kill off the fear, but in coming weeks to address the fear that led to the office 'feeling' contaminated... but for now, well done me!
  16. No, I forced Sue to take another photo, the first one showed my true weight lol.
  17. The picture on the wall is that of our lovely friend Laura in Northern Ireland with her arms in the air, somewhere on the beautiful NI coastline. I feel like doing that right now!
  18. Oh good idea, I might bring it if I remember. It's actually been packed away into my suitcase for next years holiday Once is never enough when it comes to #OCD therapy behavioural work! Thank you to my colleague Sue for encouragement and the pic, I went a step further today, I placed my phone there, newly delivered boxes there. I had spent last 7 month's avoiding floor. Anxiety Level (2/3 out of 10), so I go again tomorrow. This is still only half way, other contaminated areas now need addressing, but this one had become urgent due to new colleague starting and I needed to get a new desk in there by end of next week.
  19. Thank you all. I have to go again today, once is never enough. A saying used to describe OCD compulsions, but also equally important in recovery... wish me luck Thank you! Indeed we are! I can't recall where I got this one from, maybe Sainsbury's lol. I must admit on my way to Majorca last year I stopped off in Liverpool to see a friend before my morning flight the next day and I had a rush of madness and purchased a similar Ralph Lauren one that cost arm and a leg... that one is only being worn once a year, too expensive to wear out in Belper
  20. This is the charity's concern. Desperate vulnerable people will be making such a decision, and I am not sure all health professionals would do enough to ensure a) they had accessed the best quality psychological therapy first (i..e at least two OCD specialists) and b) explain the risks to them. I have read a lot about DBS for depression too, and some of the blogs coming out of the US make for grim reading..... trial data not published, suicides. Then I stumbled on the tragic case of two twin girls with chronic OCD who both went down this route, claimed it gave their life back but three years down the line both took their own lives. Hard to say if the DBS helped or somehow led to the tragic consequences, but the point being with all those cases I don't know how much of the research data is actually being published. The good obviously is, but is all the bad stuff? A question we may never know the answer to.
  21. Beard compliments also accepted. I liked it until it started turning grey.. .I blame OCD stress
  22. Absolutely, there is always hope. At time my life because of OCD meant: I could not use toilets, even my own without showering immediately. Those showers meant 90 minute rituals (good day, bad days were 5 hours) Moved flats dozens of times because of contamination Couldn't touch anything that had been in a bathroom Clothes that had been in a public bathroom when caught short away from house meant clothes had to be thrown away The list goes on, but all those things are no longer a problem. I am not 100% OCD free (yet) but those things bothered me for decades and are all gone. Part of my therapy was extreme, but it did help me get OCD free in those areas. Medication can help, and if severe OCD then he should be open to it, but equally it's possible to recover without medication which I did. So the fact he refuses isn't an issue, provided he doesn't expect the OCD to go away just by focussing on diet and supplements? I am surprised they plan to ask him to leave because of non engagement, after all it is their job to help a patient engage. The Southgate Priory do some good work, but I am not completely shocked by this. Obviously I can't say who is to blame, but I would like to see the Priory try different things rather than threaten. Do you know why he is struggling to engage, this is actually the key point to understand, if we understand that then we have a chance to help him. In what way is he terrified of the thoughts? Do you know what he thinks will happen? This is something I have done on occasions, but I am a trek away from London. But I am happy to have a phone chat with him through my work with the charity, but I think these only work if he 'wants' to chat to me. Also is he allowed out of the Priory? Perhaps if you/family accommodated him? We have our annual conference in Northampton in a few weeks which is recovery focussed. Maybe being in a room of others struggling but trying to move forward and recovery will help him? Finally, this is a cliche, but sometimes needs saying, it's not easy but.. Recovery is possible!
  23. I hope it's not just a consultation exercise, with the decision to recommend it already being made.... call me cynical, that's my fear. But, I think the key message we can try and get across is what do those of us with OCD actually think in terms of would we be prepared to risk the procedure? Would we want it? The NICE consultation earlier in the year tried to suggest there was an increase in demand for the procedure, which I simply do not believe. I guess the consultation of our members may help show a trend for demand or not I guess.
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