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rm36

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  1. Thank you for your reply. I spent the day drinking wine to try and calm the panic. I'm at a point now where I am trying to just tell myself so be it. I'm just too tired to keep going over it. I wish my brain would give me peace.
  2. I feel like I am going mad today. I have had issues with OCD and anxiety in the past and was on Sertraline for a few years. I came off them myself about a year ago now as I was struggling to lose weight because of them. I have had some anxiety issues since coming off them but nothing that I would describe as severe. Until now. I recently gained promotion at work as an assistant manager, maybe the sense of extra responsibility has triggered this I don't know. Basically I was on the bus home from work going over and over in my head things that had happened that day as usual, trying to reassure myself I had set the alarm etc when the thought popped into my head out of nowhere that the front door of the workplace wasn't locked. Usually a colleague locks the door while I set the alarm as only myself or a manager can set it. But since the thought popped into my head, I can't remember actually seeing my colleague lock the door so I have convinced myself it isn't locked. I started freaking out so badly that I got the bus back to my workplace to look and check the door was locked. I couldn't physically check with keys as it would have set the alarm off and I couldn't unset and reset the alarm as the security company would have been alerted and would have called my manager to ask why. (By this time it was a couple of hours since I had finished work). The doors looked fully secure and there is a small gap between the 2 doors which I could see the bar of the lock between if that makes sense. So I thought ok that's fine the doors are locked and I went home. Between travelling time and having to wait for a bus I didn't get home until 3 hours after I normally would, frozen through. However, within an hour of getting home I immediately started thinking maybe it isn't locked and the whole thing started again and now I am in a state of severe anxiety , I can't sleep, I'm ruminating constantly I'm racking my brain trying to think of something that I remember that indicates to me that my colleague definitely locked the door. I feel sick, I feel hot, like I want to hurt myself to get rid of the frustration. My chest is tight and I'm crying with total panic. I won't be back at work til tomorrow and until then I am going to continue to freak out. If it turns out the door isn't locked I'll lose my job and i cant afford for that to happen . I don't know how I am going to get through the rest of the weekend feeling like this. Reading it back the whole scenario seems ridiculous but I can't stop going over and over and over it. I feel like an absolute freak. If anyone knew I had travelled back to work on a freezing cold Saturday night to look at a door I would die of shame. I'm even panicking that someone I know will read this and work out it is me. How can I get through the day and night until tomorrow?
  3. I went out at the weekend. Got very drunk. Can only remember bits and pieces, and am yet again convincing myself I cheated on my husband. I feel sick, have had constant anxiety since then, I am getting urges to make myself vomit (something I do when the anxiety is really bad for some reason). I am on 100mg Sertraline a day but the last few weeks I have felt it is no longer working. I am waiting on an appt. with a psychologist. Some days I just feel like I don't want to have to live with this anymore. It is mental torture. I know I shouldn't drink alcohol as the memory problems it causes just makes the OCD a million times worse. But even when I have not been drinking it is always there. I am convinced people are spying on me. If I see a police car I think it is coming for me. I am terrified of going to prison although I have never broken the law. If I read stories in a newspaper about things I convince myself that because have read about it that means it is going to happen to me. I worry I am going to harm someone. I imagine scenarios which I think are false memories but then again maybe they aren't. I am convinced I am a really bad person. I constantly feel guilty. This is so exhausting. I don't know what to do anymore. I am engaged in a constant battle with my brain, trying to dismiss the thoughts but they always creep back. It is just hell.
  4. Ok, so I have been doing ok the last little while. Been on sertraline and apart from the odd worry, I am much better than I was. Today though, something has just happened that has set me off. Basically to cut a long story short, I have received an email with an attachment that has no relevance to me whatsoever, to do with fraud. The details in it are not mine, the gender is different. But this has totally triggered off my feeling of paranoia, 'big brother is watching', I'm wondering why it has been sent to me, is it really an error, (even though I have not committed fraud), am I going to be investigated for something I didn't do, has someone else been sent my details by mistake..................and on and on and on. If this happened to anyone else I am sure that they would just dismiss it as an admin error and forget it. Why did it have to happen to someone like me who won't be able to let it go.?? Who will endlessly freak out over it, ruminating, worrying. One of my biggest obsessions is being arrested for something (even though I haven't done anything illegal) and sent to prison. And this happens. Awesome.
  5. I have been on sertraline for about 6 weeks now, and have been feeling a lot better. The obsessive thoughts and anxiety have definitely improved. However, in the last few days, I have felt the obsessive thoughts creeping back. I am choked full of the cold and wondered if anyone has experienced their symptoms worsening when they are ill? I am hoping it is this, and not the medication not working. I am on the waiting list for CBT.
  6. Hi thanks for your reply Yes, I am waiting on a referral to psychology. Hopefully an appointment will come through soon.
  7. Just wondered if anyone had experienced this with Sertraline? I only started last week, I am on 50mg at the moment, due to increase to 100mg at the end of the week. I felt fine for the first 3-4 days of taking them, but the last couple of days my anxiety has been sky high, and the ruminating is taking over my entire day. I am constantly obsessing over the same thought. I had lack of concentration before I started the Sertraline, but this has also become markedly worse. I read somewhere that it may increase the anxiety to begin with and that this increase in anxiety can actually be an indicator that the anxiety will respond well to the medication when it begins to work fully. Anyone else have any experience of this?
  8. I used to hate the school run. I hated some of the other mums trying to make small talk. I have far too much going on inside my head to engage in meaningless, banal conversation about the weather. That sounds terrible but that is how I feel. People probably think I am just rude but I am shy, and I don't feel relaxed enough to chat to peope I don't really know.
  9. I have specific things and triggers which send my anxiety sky high, but even when I am not obsessing and ruminating over a specific thing, I have a constant feeling of anxiety, like a black cloud hanging over me, like a sense of impending doom. I can't let myself relax or feel happy because I feel that if I do then something bad WILL happen to catch me unawares. So I spend most of my day ruminating, worrying, over thinking everything, and analysing everything. I procrastinate and can't concentrate. I am trying to study for a degree and it is getting harder and harder because the lack of concentration is really affecting me. Also if I am trying to concentrate on a textbook for example, my brain goes into overdrive and the thoughts start whirring around in my head to the point where I just put the book down again.
  10. Hi thank you for replying. I was surprised that I wasn't given an SSRI as well. My sister also suffers from OCD and she is on sertraline. He said I was suffering from 'obsessive and intrusive thoughts' but said that pills were not the answer and that he would refer me to psychology - I am waiting for this appt. to come through. He said in the meantime he would give me something to 'calm things down' and prescribed me a minimum of 10 days worth of chlordiazepoxide, and said to see how I got on with them. I am only on a 5 mg dose and was told I could take up to 3 per day. He said I wouldn't be able to ring up for a repeat prescription if I found they were working, I would have to make an appt. go back. I got the impression he doesn't advocate long term tablet usage and is all for the psychology route. I have been looking at the 4 steps but I suffer from false memory OCD so am finding it hard to apply this. My next appt is a week today and it is with a different GP so hopefully I will be prescribed something different until my referral comes through.
  11. I am just wondering if it is possible for the meds to make the OCD/anxiety worse? I was prescribed chlordiazepoxide by my GP the week before Xmas, and in the few days in the run up to Xmas my OCD got really really bad, to the point where I had urges to self harm- I have never had this before. On Xmas day I was locked in the bathroom in tears, feeling hysterical with anxiety, thinking that suicide would be the only way out. I decided after that to stop taking the meds for the moment - I have another GP appt next week. I am not sure though if it could be the meds that exacerbated it, or if it would have got that bad without the meds anyway and it is just coincidence. Since I have stopped the meds, I feel calmer. I am still having the obsessive thoughts and the ruminating, but I have never gotten back to the hysteria I felt on Xmas day. Any thoughts?
  12. My false memory OCD had exceptionally bad the past couple of days, it is awful today. I don't know if it is the fact that this is the one time when I just hoped I could find some peace, or if it is the meds. I am fighting to hold back tears, I do not know how much longer I can go on like this. I am exhausting myself fruitlessly ruminating, trying to find something, trying to latch onto something which will prove to me it is a false memory,but the more I ruminate, the more things I find to cause even more doubt. I totally understand what you are going through, and there is nothing I can really say that is going to make you feel any better, but I just wanted to say I am thinking of you, and hope you are feeling better and find some peace from it today.
  13. Hello,thank you for replying. I am currently waiting for a referral to psychology to come through. I only saw my GP last week so I might have a while to wait. I have another appt. next week with the GP as I was only given 10 days worth of meds - I was given chloradiazepoxide which I believe can't be taken over an extended period. I am only on a 5mg dose, I suspect I may need an increased dosage.
  14. Having a bad one today. One of my obsessions involving (what I think is) a false memory has hit me full force today. It had kind of receded the last few days as another worry had taken its place. Now this has receded and the false memory one has come back. I feel sick with panic, I almost feel breathless I am so anxious. Taking my medication and have another doctors appt next week. I feel so full of despair I feel like I am never going to be free of this as I am never going to know if this is a false memory or not and I can see myself still worrying over this in 20 years time. I am not looking for reassurance, it wouldn't do any good anyway, I am just having a bad day and need to vent. Why can't this just leave me in peace.
  15. Does anyone else suffer from a lack of concentration and an inability to 'settle' to doing anything? I am studying for a degree with the OU, and I struggle to concentrate, I can read a page in a textbook numerous times and I still couldn't tell you what I had just read. I don't know if that is because it is not going in in the first place, or because the OCD is affecting my memory - I don't even know if it does affect memory. Every day I tell myself I am going to motivate myself and study, but I just seem to procrastinate, diddling around not doing anything specific. If I try to read something I find that my brain goes into overdrive and the thoughts start coming into my head, so I have whatever it is I am trying to read plus the thoughts fighting for space in my head. I find myself most days filling an entire day by doing very little. Thinking mostly. I sometimes get angry at people for interrupting if I am obsessing over something. (I don't tell them this, I just feel that way) And I feel annoyed at people who try to engage me in chit chat or small talk because it's almost like I am jealous that they can chat about trivial things, when I have this conflict raging inside my head, and I never feel carefree.
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