NoahsArk

Ok that makes sense. I will ask next time we meet. I just hope she’s truthful and doesn’t lie after realizing it’s off putting to me. A problem is I might start obsessing that she is now lying to cover up a dark side, and then I wont know if I should continue meeting or not. Thank you.

I met a woman recently on the app Feeld. Her profile expressed an interest in kink (not the reason I wanted to meet her). We met a couple times casually then, on our third encounter at her place, she asked what my sexual preferences are and if there is anything that is a definite no. I asked what she meant by “definite no” and if she could give an example. She said something like, “some people, for example, have a definite no to blood”. I responded that that’s an obvious no. Now I am stuck about whether or not I should keep meeting her. Does this mean she thinks that blood during sex is even an acceptable kind of sex? It’s repulsive enough that I didn’t even think it was a category of sex which is why it didn’t come to my mind when she asked about my definite nos? What did she even mean? Did she mean for example that people cut themselves during sex or was she referring to period blood? The fact that she said it’s a definite no for “some people”, worries me because it implies that she thinks it’s an ok preference for other people to have, and now I wonder if she is into something like that. It’s confusing because other than that I’ve really liked her, and don’t want to think there is something dark I don’t know about. I do want to keep meeting, but am stuck on this. I could say to myself that even if she is into something like that, me dating her doesn’t mean I endorse it as long as I’m not participating in it. On the other hand I want to choose my connections wisely. Is all this OCD thinking on my end or is this a legitimate concern? Thanks

@comfortscorned Thank you for the response.

Thanks @snowbear and @Handy @snowbear the general idea of doing what you’d do without ocd makes sense about how to tell the difference. Using a test based on what you enjoy is tricky, though, since there are things I enjoy but would still stay away from even without ocd because those things are not wise to do. I think though figuring out what I would want without ocd comes with trial and error- ie seeing if doing something or not doing makes me happier. That plus trying to decide more intuitively which takes a deep look. @Handy wow about the sharks. I just used that as an example (ive never actually surfed). Sounds like you were brave though.

Thanks Garfied. That itself is a tough question for me to answer since OCD is clouding my judgment. @snowbear I reviewed your advice to me from last summer about another subject, and you said: "My impression is that compulsive behaviours have taken over your life to such an extent that you are struggling to differentiate between what you genuinely want and what your OCD thinking imagines would make life 'right'" This is the case here as well! Having had ocd since I was a small child definitely makes it hard for me to differentiate!

Hi Snowbear. That’s a very handy rule of thumb! Thank you! I will think about that more in my situation. It’s a bit tricky for me to decide what I’d do without ocd in this case since I’m sort of torn. My mind is so clouded by ocd now that it’s hard to imagine how my mind would be looking at the situation without it. How do I figure out in the first place what I’d do without ocd when it’s a close call?

When OCD prevents people from doing their work and functioning normally, it of course makes sense not to give into the compulsions/ avoidances. Say though that someone is having a lot of ocd about doing something non essentia that they could live a healthy normal life without. Is it ok to stop doing that thing because of ocd? This would be avoidance, but it’s avoiding something necessary that keeps clouding their mind and preventing them from concentrating. I am dealing with this now. To give an example which is not specifically what I’m dealing with but illustrates the issue, say someone has ocd that if they go surfing they’ll get but by a shark. Say they are only mildly interested in surfing anyway, but they constantly debate whether or not to go surfing once in a while. Should they just give into the ocd and stop surfing since it's not worth the battle? Thanks

@howard @GreenJet68 Thank you

@howard @AKing @GreenJet68 I appreciate the responses. @howard I've wondered myself if chess can lead to OCD because of all the thinking of different scenarios. I think it's more likely though that it's the other way around and OCD can be an advantage in chess and other subjects because of the amount of analyzing that the person with OCD will do. However, there are also big disadvantages of having OCD in chess and other areas of deep thinking. @GreenJet68 I totally relate to how compulsions can ruin the joy in a game. I'm not speaking about making a claim with the tournament director if someone makes a minor mis-adjustment of their piece, I'm talking about worse conduct than that like knocking pieces over or off the board, etc. Unfortunately some players don't have good etiquette (some even cheat- even at the highest level), and it's those situations where I get anxious over- even before they've happened. It was recently on the news about how in the US championship one of the players, after losing, stormed out of the room and assaulted a female videographer on the way out. There are some situations where I think it is legitimate to make a claim if done in a polite way. I still have the problem, though, as you mentioned, about anticipating a problem during the game before it has happened. I played last night and actually made a claim over something else. My opponent, who I've known for a long time, actually agreed that it was a valid claim, and I didn't feel the situation was adversarial. We socialized afterwards like nothing happened. With other people though I'd get more anxious over doing that.

I used to play chess as a lot then stopped for a few years and now was looking to get back into it as something to do on my spare time. There is a club in my town that I wanted to start going to at least a few times a month. When I'm not having OCD, chess can be a fun, challenging, and creative outlet as well as a chance to socialize with others. The problem for me is, though, that these days many people are competetive and get upset when they lose, and this takes some of the fun away from it for me. If I played decently I am fine with any result- this is in a way just a past time for me and a way to unwind from work. One specifc way that OCD gets in the way is: in tournaments you play with a timer. Each player starts with the same amount of time, and their time only runs down when it's their move. Once they move, they press a button which stops their time from ticking down and starts the other player's time ticking down. E.g. if we each start with five minutes on our clock and I've thought for a total one minute on my first ten moves, I'll have four minutes left. Some players when they are low on time will be moving the pieces quickly and may knock some of them over. The rule is that they are not supposed to press the button that stops their time until they've picked up the pieces. If they don't pick them up it the opponent might make a mistake because they thought the piece was on one square when it was really on the other. My OCD comes into play with certain players because I keep thinking what if they knock pieces over and don't pick them up on their time. Will I call them out on it, which may seem too adversarial, or should I just let it go and enjoy the game. I get distracted by thinking of the awkwardness of what I'll do if they knock pieces over. My feeling is to pick battles wisely since nothing is at stake really in these tournaments (I'm not playing for the low prize money that's offered there), and that I shouldn't lower myself. On the other hand it bothers me when others aren't playing fairly. How can I approach this mentally in a way that doesn't spoil the game for me? Thanks!

@AKing and @Simonsky thank you for your responses.

This fall I am taking a linear algebra class at a local community college. It's the first class I’ve taken since 2010. For years I’ve been interested in math, but only recently decided to take classes and maybe even get a degree. I started this summer by taking calculus, and this linear algebra class is my second class. By profession I’m a lawyer, and had already spent ten years in school from 1998 to 2010 with a two year break in the middle. On the first day of class I got there early so waited outside on a sofa chair in the hallway. I had heard very good things about this professor from ratemyprofessor.com, so was excited to meet him. I felt very motivated. One student came in before me. The light in the class was still empty. Then I see a man walking in who looked half drunk and maybe in his 50s. I thought he’s old enough to be the teacher (I’m in my 40s and figured I’d be the oldest student). He did not have the appearance of a math teacher, though. His mouth was agape, and his eyes were wide open like he was squinting to see something. He walked into the class, though, and turned on the light and headed towards the front of the room where the teacher’s desk was. I still wasn’t sure if he was the teacher, and was pretty nervous in general that morning since it was my first time in a live class in so long. As I walked in, he walked toward me and sort of blurted out an “ai”. I am pretty sure he had said hi to me. At the time, though, I wasn’t focused too well and he said it kind of quietly. I just looked for a desk that I wanted to sit at and found one and sat down without saying hi back. After a few minutes it became apparent that he was in fact the teacher, and once he started giving the presentation he was so down to earth and likeable. He said he had taught high school for 20 years before teaching in college, and he told us to call him by his first name. This was two Mondays ago and since then I am thinking I made a bad impression in front of him by not saying hi back, and now I won’t be able to make the connection with him for the rest of the course. We had two classes so far, and he did make friendly eye contact with me during the lessons, and I asked a question after class last time and he was helpful. However, I’m thinking he is still thinking I must have looked down upon him based on his appearance the first day, and now I am only being decent to him because I know he’s the professor. I think he may think of me as stuck up and condescending by not acknowledging him when I walked into class. I myself don’t know if it’s just because I was nervous and distracted and wasn’t sure he was saying hi to me, or if it was because I wasn’t taking him seriously. I want to be able to visit him during his office hours and chat about things in math that I am passionate about, but don’t think I can have a conversation with him with a straight face and feel sincere. I’ve put a lot of importance to math lately- never took math classes in college so I feel that I am finally making up for lost knowledge. I also see the study of math, logic, and philosophy as a way to learn and discover deep truths, and to convey that knowledge to others. Is it OCD for me to feel hesitant to interact with the professor during his office hours because of this? Should I be feeling guilty over what happened? What should I do? I know that OCD likes to use whatever is important to us at the moment against us. For me math is important, and now I’m thinking I have potentially lost the teacher as a great source of knowledge. Is my passion about math itself obsessional and a type of perfectionism and maybe an escape from my often very stressful job?

@snowbear “My impression is that compulsive behaviors have taken over your life to such an extent that you are struggling to differentiate between what you genuinely want and what your OCD thinking imagines would make life 'right” This is spot on! Thinking about what you said, there are a few things in my life that I know I genuinely want which I don’t debate about- e.g. providing for my daughter, my math studies (which are extra curricular since they are not needed for my profession), non dangerous forms of enjoyment like travel, etc. Then there are the more ambiguous things like doing risky tricks in skateboarding, etc.. Should I just go by the motto “if it aint a hell yes, then it’s a hell no.”? That may be a way to simplify my life. Thanks!

@snowbear is one way to spot whether or not something is ocd to ask whether or not the reason I am doing it is so that I can get it out of the way in order to be able to live life in the present? In other words, if I want to do something, like land a skate trick, only to get relief from the urge of wanting to do it so that I can live my life, does that mean it would be a compulsion to carry it out? You mentioned in response to an older post of mine that I don’t need to jump through another hoop to be able to live life. A saying is that the present is available to us right now, and we should be able to leave peacefully in it without having to first do xyz. Earlier today I was thinking of working on a film editing project but then got stuck thinking how I didn’t land that trick yet, so before starting the film project maybe I need to land it to get it out of my head. If it really is a compulsion, then I know landing it will bring no relief and will only start another loop of compulsions. Thanks

Thanks so much @snowbear that’s very helpful practical advice.