NoahsArk

Ok that makes sense. I will ask next time we meet. I just hope she’s truthful and doesn’t lie after realizing it’s off putting to me. A problem is I might start obsessing that she is now lying to cover up a dark side, and then I wont know if I should continue meeting or not. Thank you.

I met a woman recently on the app Feeld. Her profile expressed an interest in kink (not the reason I wanted to meet her). We met a couple times casually then, on our third encounter at her place, she asked what my sexual preferences are and if there is anything that is a definite no. I asked what she meant by “definite no” and if she could give an example. She said something like, “some people, for example, have a definite no to blood”. I responded that that’s an obvious no. Now I am stuck about whether or not I should keep meeting her. Does this mean she thinks that blood during sex is even an acceptable kind of sex? It’s repulsive enough that I didn’t even think it was a category of sex which is why it didn’t come to my mind when she asked about my definite nos? What did she even mean? Did she mean for example that people cut themselves during sex or was she referring to period blood? The fact that she said it’s a definite no for “some people”, worries me because it implies that she thinks it’s an ok preference for other people to have, and now I wonder if she is into something like that. It’s confusing because other than that I’ve really liked her, and don’t want to think there is something dark I don’t know about. I do want to keep meeting, but am stuck on this. I could say to myself that even if she is into something like that, me dating her doesn’t mean I endorse it as long as I’m not participating in it. On the other hand I want to choose my connections wisely. Is all this OCD thinking on my end or is this a legitimate concern? Thanks

@comfortscorned Thank you for the response.

Thanks @snowbear and @Handy @snowbear the general idea of doing what you’d do without ocd makes sense about how to tell the difference. Using a test based on what you enjoy is tricky, though, since there are things I enjoy but would still stay away from even without ocd because those things are not wise to do. I think though figuring out what I would want without ocd comes with trial and error- ie seeing if doing something or not doing makes me happier. That plus trying to decide more intuitively which takes a deep look. @Handy wow about the sharks. I just used that as an example (ive never actually surfed). Sounds like you were brave though.

Thanks Garfied. That itself is a tough question for me to answer since OCD is clouding my judgment. @snowbear I reviewed your advice to me from last summer about another subject, and you said: "My impression is that compulsive behaviours have taken over your life to such an extent that you are struggling to differentiate between what you genuinely want and what your OCD thinking imagines would make life 'right'" This is the case here as well! Having had ocd since I was a small child definitely makes it hard for me to differentiate!

Hi Snowbear. That’s a very handy rule of thumb! Thank you! I will think about that more in my situation. It’s a bit tricky for me to decide what I’d do without ocd in this case since I’m sort of torn. My mind is so clouded by ocd now that it’s hard to imagine how my mind would be looking at the situation without it. How do I figure out in the first place what I’d do without ocd when it’s a close call?

When OCD prevents people from doing their work and functioning normally, it of course makes sense not to give into the compulsions/ avoidances. Say though that someone is having a lot of ocd about doing something non essentia that they could live a healthy normal life without. Is it ok to stop doing that thing because of ocd? This would be avoidance, but it’s avoiding something necessary that keeps clouding their mind and preventing them from concentrating. I am dealing with this now. To give an example which is not specifically what I’m dealing with but illustrates the issue, say someone has ocd that if they go surfing they’ll get but by a shark. Say they are only mildly interested in surfing anyway, but they constantly debate whether or not to go surfing once in a while. Should they just give into the ocd and stop surfing since it's not worth the battle? Thanks

@howard @GreenJet68 Thank you

@howard @AKing @GreenJet68 I appreciate the responses. @howard I've wondered myself if chess can lead to OCD because of all the thinking of different scenarios. I think it's more likely though that it's the other way around and OCD can be an advantage in chess and other subjects because of the amount of analyzing that the person with OCD will do. However, there are also big disadvantages of having OCD in chess and other areas of deep thinking. @GreenJet68 I totally relate to how compulsions can ruin the joy in a game. I'm not speaking about making a claim with the tournament director if someone makes a minor mis-adjustment of their piece, I'm talking about worse conduct than that like knocking pieces over or off the board, etc. Unfortunately some players don't have good etiquette (some even cheat- even at the highest level), and it's those situations where I get anxious over- even before they've happened. It was recently on the news about how in the US championship one of the players, after losing, stormed out of the room and assaulted a female videographer on the way out. There are some situations where I think it is legitimate to make a claim if done in a polite way. I still have the problem, though, as you mentioned, about anticipating a problem during the game before it has happened. I played last night and actually made a claim over something else. My opponent, who I've known for a long time, actually agreed that it was a valid claim, and I didn't feel the situation was adversarial. We socialized afterwards like nothing happened. With other people though I'd get more anxious over doing that.

I used to play chess as a lot then stopped for a few years and now was looking to get back into it as something to do on my spare time. There is a club in my town that I wanted to start going to at least a few times a month. When I'm not having OCD, chess can be a fun, challenging, and creative outlet as well as a chance to socialize with others. The problem for me is, though, that these days many people are competetive and get upset when they lose, and this takes some of the fun away from it for me. If I played decently I am fine with any result- this is in a way just a past time for me and a way to unwind from work. One specifc way that OCD gets in the way is: in tournaments you play with a timer. Each player starts with the same amount of time, and their time only runs down when it's their move. Once they move, they press a button which stops their time from ticking down and starts the other player's time ticking down. E.g. if we each start with five minutes on our clock and I've thought for a total one minute on my first ten moves, I'll have four minutes left. Some players when they are low on time will be moving the pieces quickly and may knock some of them over. The rule is that they are not supposed to press the button that stops their time until they've picked up the pieces. If they don't pick them up it the opponent might make a mistake because they thought the piece was on one square when it was really on the other. My OCD comes into play with certain players because I keep thinking what if they knock pieces over and don't pick them up on their time. Will I call them out on it, which may seem too adversarial, or should I just let it go and enjoy the game. I get distracted by thinking of the awkwardness of what I'll do if they knock pieces over. My feeling is to pick battles wisely since nothing is at stake really in these tournaments (I'm not playing for the low prize money that's offered there), and that I shouldn't lower myself. On the other hand it bothers me when others aren't playing fairly. How can I approach this mentally in a way that doesn't spoil the game for me? Thanks!

@AKing and @Simonsky thank you for your responses.

This fall I am taking a linear algebra class at a local community college. It's the first class I’ve taken since 2010. For years I’ve been interested in math, but only recently decided to take classes and maybe even get a degree. I started this summer by taking calculus, and this linear algebra class is my second class. By profession I’m a lawyer, and had already spent ten years in school from 1998 to 2010 with a two year break in the middle. On the first day of class I got there early so waited outside on a sofa chair in the hallway. I had heard very good things about this professor from ratemyprofessor.com, so was excited to meet him. I felt very motivated. One student came in before me. The light in the class was still empty. Then I see a man walking in who looked half drunk and maybe in his 50s. I thought he’s old enough to be the teacher (I’m in my 40s and figured I’d be the oldest student). He did not have the appearance of a math teacher, though. His mouth was agape, and his eyes were wide open like he was squinting to see something. He walked into the class, though, and turned on the light and headed towards the front of the room where the teacher’s desk was. I still wasn’t sure if he was the teacher, and was pretty nervous in general that morning since it was my first time in a live class in so long. As I walked in, he walked toward me and sort of blurted out an “ai”. I am pretty sure he had said hi to me. At the time, though, I wasn’t focused too well and he said it kind of quietly. I just looked for a desk that I wanted to sit at and found one and sat down without saying hi back. After a few minutes it became apparent that he was in fact the teacher, and once he started giving the presentation he was so down to earth and likeable. He said he had taught high school for 20 years before teaching in college, and he told us to call him by his first name. This was two Mondays ago and since then I am thinking I made a bad impression in front of him by not saying hi back, and now I won’t be able to make the connection with him for the rest of the course. We had two classes so far, and he did make friendly eye contact with me during the lessons, and I asked a question after class last time and he was helpful. However, I’m thinking he is still thinking I must have looked down upon him based on his appearance the first day, and now I am only being decent to him because I know he’s the professor. I think he may think of me as stuck up and condescending by not acknowledging him when I walked into class. I myself don’t know if it’s just because I was nervous and distracted and wasn’t sure he was saying hi to me, or if it was because I wasn’t taking him seriously. I want to be able to visit him during his office hours and chat about things in math that I am passionate about, but don’t think I can have a conversation with him with a straight face and feel sincere. I’ve put a lot of importance to math lately- never took math classes in college so I feel that I am finally making up for lost knowledge. I also see the study of math, logic, and philosophy as a way to learn and discover deep truths, and to convey that knowledge to others. Is it OCD for me to feel hesitant to interact with the professor during his office hours because of this? Should I be feeling guilty over what happened? What should I do? I know that OCD likes to use whatever is important to us at the moment against us. For me math is important, and now I’m thinking I have potentially lost the teacher as a great source of knowledge. Is my passion about math itself obsessional and a type of perfectionism and maybe an escape from my often very stressful job?

@snowbear “My impression is that compulsive behaviors have taken over your life to such an extent that you are struggling to differentiate between what you genuinely want and what your OCD thinking imagines would make life 'right” This is spot on! Thinking about what you said, there are a few things in my life that I know I genuinely want which I don’t debate about- e.g. providing for my daughter, my math studies (which are extra curricular since they are not needed for my profession), non dangerous forms of enjoyment like travel, etc. Then there are the more ambiguous things like doing risky tricks in skateboarding, etc.. Should I just go by the motto “if it aint a hell yes, then it’s a hell no.”? That may be a way to simplify my life. Thanks!

@snowbear is one way to spot whether or not something is ocd to ask whether or not the reason I am doing it is so that I can get it out of the way in order to be able to live life in the present? In other words, if I want to do something, like land a skate trick, only to get relief from the urge of wanting to do it so that I can live my life, does that mean it would be a compulsion to carry it out? You mentioned in response to an older post of mine that I don’t need to jump through another hoop to be able to live life. A saying is that the present is available to us right now, and we should be able to leave peacefully in it without having to first do xyz. Earlier today I was thinking of working on a film editing project but then got stuck thinking how I didn’t land that trick yet, so before starting the film project maybe I need to land it to get it out of my head. If it really is a compulsion, then I know landing it will bring no relief and will only start another loop of compulsions. Thanks

Thanks so much @snowbear that’s very helpful practical advice.

Also, if this will help me in figuring out whether the desire to learn this is OCD or not- I feel it’s a burden/obligation to do it. I don’t feel like I’m doing it out of a genuine desire to learn it. There are other tricks I have a genuine desire, and other things in life I have a genuine desire to learn. I do get some enjoyment at the thought of making it, but there is 3x more anxiety in thinking about trying it. to figure out whether or not a “goal” we’ve set for ourselves is ocd or comes from a genuine passion, is it a good rule of thumb to see whether or not thinking about working towards the goal causes inspiration or anxiety?

Thanks @snowbear this is a helpful way for me to look at it- I do now see similarities between this and other ocd issues I’ve had like trying to decide whether or not to go for a jog on a wooded path for fear of tics. i hope I can get better at just going with the flow and making decisions that are not controlled by obsessive thinking. Thing here is that breaking a bone is a real risk. Several people I know from skating in the area recently broke a leg which is no fun. it’s also hard for me to be like others who do risky sports- most of them don’t question the deeper meaning of what they are doing and they just go with the flow of what feels right/inspiring. That’s probably the healthier approach, but hard for me to do. I’m always doing a cost benefit analysis. For example I have to consider that when I go out and skate for two hours, that’s two hours I’m not making income. Yes I get exercise from it, but I could get that at the gym without having to drive as far to a ramp, etc. Then add the risk factor on top of it and it complicates my decision. The broader issue is deciding how to manage my time. I am also taking a math class this summer at a local school, so I have my hands full, and figuring out what I should drop from my schedule isn’t easy.

I never thought I'd have skateboarding as the main subject of an OCD post, but here it is. I skated from when I was 10 years old until I was 19, from 1990 to 1999. I stopped for 22 years, then started again. My younger brother, who I taught to skate, is a legendary skateboarder in our city. So, skateboarding is still part of my history and something I've been passionate about over the last few years. I like the creativity in it. Part of the reason I got back into it also was to be able to skate with my brother. My job, while challenging, is not creative, so skating is a way to give me that outlet. There is one trick that's been on my mind for months as the trick I "need" to relearn which the last time I did I was 19. The problem is that it's a scary trick which involves getting to the top of the ramp, flipping your board, and landing backwards back into the ramp. It's called a blunt kickflip to fakie Now I've probably tried it 100s of times over the last three months, and I'm scared to land with both feet on the board. In order to land it the board has to flip perfectly, and I have to be leaning the right way. There is no risk of death if I mess it up (I do where a helmet), but there is a risk of breaking something (although not high). I told myself that my goal isn't even to make the trick, but just to at least get two feet on it so that I can tell myself that I committed to landing it, even if I then fall. So yesterday I was skating with my brother and probably came the closest to doing it that I have in the last three months. I kind of committed but then instinctively for a split second took one foot away but ended up landing with two feet on the board. I was leaning too far forward when I landed so I slipped out. I was happy at first since I felt like I committed to it, but then when I watched the video clip my brother took of it, it wasn't clear whether I actually tried to bail and then only accidentally got both feet on. So the issue is that now I feel like I wasn't brave, and I haven't accomplished my goal which was to overcome my fear. I feel the need now to do it better and commit to it more, even though at this point I just get anxiety and fear thinking about doing it. Is this just a pointless goal? Sure, it's good to learn things and get proficient and challenge ourselves, but is my putting myself at risk necessary? Is it worth risking breaking a leg and being injured for six months to a year? I can't figure out if me wanting to do this is a legitimate goal, or if it's just a compulsion and an artificial obstacle I'm putting in front of myself. It's almost like I'm seeking redemption by putting myself at risk. It reminds me of how I would often dunk my whole body into a cold ocean if I felt bad about something in the past, and felt that was a way to make things right. I suppose you could similarly ask if other people doing risky things, e.g. climbing rocks with no ropes (like in the movie Free Solo), are really engaged in something virtuous and brave, or if they are just putting themselves at risk and not really helping others in the process other then maybe providing some entertainment to people who watch them. There are tricks that are technically more difficult than the one I’ve been trying but less dangerous, and there are also ways I could be creative in skating with less risk. I also have other creative outlets available like film editing which I enjoy. Why do I feel such a strong need to do this? I feel like if I just did it I'd be free to move on, but that sounds a lot like a compulsion.

If these are compulsions, which it looks like they are, then doing them will only bring temporary relief- only for the urge to come back even stronger. I didn't have verbal compulsions like this but I had things like where I felt urges to snap my fingers or toes, etc. The book Brain Lock by Jeffrey Scwartz really helped me. It may be worth taking a look at if you haven't already.

There is a saying that thoughts alone are not a crime. Acting on them is different, and you felt bad about it.

@Clicketyclack thank you! "For any relationship this is a skill." Did you mean it's a skill to be able to carry on/ refocus after an awkward moment?

I went out on a date with a girl for the first time about a month ago, and had been trying for the last month to get a second date. Yesterday it finally happened. We ate and went to her place after. We kissed but did not have sex. I was having a lot of ocd the whole time making it hard to stay present. She mentioned several times something about her mother getting worried about her for reasons I thought were unrealistic, so at one point, without thinking, I said something like "you have a bit of OCD" or "you may have a bit of OCD". She was immediately very hurt and started to pick up her purse and get ready to leave (implying that I too needed to leave), and said "I didn't think it would end like this". I got sad when I realized I hurt her and told her it was intended just as a lighthearted joke, and that I had no intent to hurt her. I also told her how I had OCD and how I still have it sometimes (I didn't want to go into too much detail since it was only our second date). I think she could see that my voice was sad as I was talking to her and that I felt bad. We ended up talking for another five or ten minutes about other things before we parted ways, and she texted me an hour later saying she had a great lunch with me and put two hearts next to it. Should I again apologize by text, or will that just remind her of it? I feel horrible. Thanks

Thanks @snowbear for clarifying:) That makes sense.

@snowbear "Those sensible, practical checks start becoming OCD when you are more concerning with having the 'right' experience than with common sense avoidance of getting bitten/ rained on." Does this mean that googling the reservoir to see if there have been past instances of tic bites is a legitimate checking activity like checking the weather? Your earlier reply seemed to indicate that worrying about tics was OCD, but here it seems you are saying avoiding tics is a legitimate concern. Thanks

@snowbear thank you. "The OCD part is where you start questioning if it's the right thing for you to do. Details like tic bites are a distraction/ excuse." Does this mean me asking questions like what are the chances of me getting bit by a tic, do tics inhabit the path area, do I really need to jog here anyway, are all just compulsions/ pure o? "And if plans change - fine. Go with the flow. Have your run somewhere else. It's no big deal either way." So I should be making my decisions on things like this based on a feeling/intuition of what I want to do and not based on some in depth thinking about the above risks, etc.? I assume that there are decisions, like which of two jobs to choose, that do require more in depth thinking and weighing the pluses and minuses of each choice and thinking which choice aligns more with your overall goals. For run of the mill everyday decisions like what to eat, where to go for a jog, etc., you are saying, if I'm not mistaken, that we should not treat these decisions like we'd treat a decision of which job to choose, where to live, whether or not to marry, etc., since the former decisions are more low stakes? Even for low stakes decisions, though, like whether to go outside for a jog, it makes sense about things like whether it will rain or not. Checking the whether app before jogging is ok I think, but checking google to see if there's been instances of tic bites at a specific location might be a compulsion, but how to tell the difference between these two forms of decision making and how to know which one is OCD? Thanks