Bec

I'm 41 I've had OCD for 21 years (diagnosed after about 9 years) I've tried Paroxetine (few doses), Venlafaxine (1 dose), Sertraline (years), Escitalopram (months), Citalopram (months), Olanzapine (months), Diazepam (few doses) I'm now on Fluoxetine and Aripiprazole p.s. I used to be a pharmacist before OCD put a stop to it!

I'm not sure this is about OCD, but it feels kind of related. I've decided not to go to work today because my head is all over the place. I can't stop thinking about some stuff that's happened recently. Basically I met this man on an internet dating site (I even hate how irresponsible that sounds!) and over the last few days I've had some experiences I've never had before. I'm not talking about going 'all the way', just some kissing and touching (I hate saying this!). I've got this huge hang-up about how inexperienced I am for someone of my age and doing these things feels like a big deal. I'm not very good at trusting people so this feels like a big risk. Don't misunderstand me, I enjoyed it and the person was very gentle and not pushy (I know how vulnerable I am). Trouble is, twice when I've put myself in a position of trusting him, all of a sudden he's backed off which has left me feeling guilty - like I've done something wrong or irresponsible. He says I haven't (probably shouldn't be asking for reassurance!) and it's him and his 'baggage' which is making him do this. This is confusing because it feels okay, then it doesn't feel okay. My mind just keeps going over and over it trying to work out if I've done anything wrong. I'm finding it really hard to concentrate at work, and some of the OCD thoughts are trying to get back in because my mind is distracted I'm thinking I'm more likely to make a mistake. I just want to be a normal person! Why can't I be like everyone else? I suppose most people do this kind of stuff when they're teenagers and don't analyse things as much. I feel guilty about how much of my mind it's taking up and I'm scared the OCD is going to find a way in (it's already trying). Maybe I should just be satisfied with the OCD not being as bad as it was and I shouldn't be trying to move forward in other areas of my life in case it upsets things. I've spoken to my CBT therapist and she thinks it's a good thing to take a few more little risks (as long as I don't put myself in danger), but I'm not sure when it leaves me feeling so wobbly I can't think straight enough to work. Perhaps I'm in too much of a hurry to be normal...

Hi Apple, You sound really low, please don't give up trying. It's great that you've got a good GP and you've taken the positive step of getting referred. Things can get better, even though it doesn't feel like it sometimes. You shouldn't feel bad about writing about what you feel, sometimes it's good to just get it out somehow. I feel I'm not very good at offering advice but I couldn't ignore your post because it reminds me of how I felt last year (I was very low and felt like a criminal). You are not well, so be kind to yourself and take all the help you can get because you deserve it. You're not alone, we are with you in spirit and are willing you to keep trying. Bec. xx Post again and let us know how you're doing today :original:

Thank you all for your replies. I lost it a bit at work this morning and had a panic so I'm very worn out now. I've almost decided to defer my exam entry for 6 months, but I feel very vacant and down at the moment so I think I need to give it a few days until I feel better. Lots to think about... xx

Hi, I need a bit of advice and I don't know who else is going to understand. I think I've bitten off more than I can chew. I've entered for an important work exam, it's in 6 weeks time and I don't think I can do it. I had to decide whether to do it back in December, and I'd already postponed it from last year because I was so ill. Every time I think about it I start to get anxious and of course the OCD is making the most of that and making me more anxious about all the things I'm trying to keep under control. I can't see how I'm going to be able to do all the work I need to do when I feel this wobbly. What I really want to avoid is a massive relapse. I had a major set-back last year and my mind went to places I never thought possible. I'm back at work now, but I still have to work hard each day to keep a check on the OCD. My mood's all over the place too and the thought of sitting down and trying to revise is filling me with dread. I don't need any more failures at the moment, things are too fragile. I just wish I'd realised how long it was going to take to feel better. My boss is off for the rest of the week and I'm off next week and I really feel like I need to do something about this sooner rather than later. I woke up thinking about this in the middle of the night last night - not good! I'm worried that I'll also have to forfeit the entry fee. I know this isn't a huge problem in the scheme of things but I'm scared of losing the control I've gained over the OCD. Bec.

I've had OCD/health anxiety for 21 years this April (I can actually almost identify a date!) Last year I finally had good CBT and I'm a lot better than I ever dreamed was possible. I still have some problems, OCD is a devious illness, but I keep trying to apply what I've learnt. I know it's easy to say but please don't ever give up hope.

Really good news... I hope you continue to go from strength to strength :original:

Hi all, I sincerely wish everyone a happy new year, even though that may seem unlikely at the moment. I had a really tough day today - too much thinking, not enough letting the thoughts just be there. It keeps tripping me up because I still think I can think my way out of the problem. When will I learn that that doesn't work?!! Good points: I stayed at work. Didn't get much done, but I didn't stop trying. I recognised my heightened anxiety state was making old concerns re-surface, and I managed to ignore them... mostly. I stopped at the shops on the way home and did several things my OCD was telling me not to do, even though I didn't need to. YOU WILL NOT BEAT ME OCD!

Hi Miranda, I enjoyed reading this. Thanks for posting these positive thoughts :original: Bec. x

Thank you for posting these thoughts, it has really helped me to read them this morning. I'm in the situation where I keep getting sucked into the rumination cycle because I can't seem to accept the thoughts are driven by OCD. I sort-of know they are, but I find it really hard to prevent my brain from trying to work them out. The one thing I know for sure is that if I carry on down this route I will end up back where I was last March/April where I was off work and barely able to do anything. I realise that I'm trying to 'feel' certain that it's OCD, but that isn't working because the OCD keeps throwing up doubts which leads me off down the rumination route again. The bottom line is that I have no choice but to accept the thoughts are OCD because I've been in this situation before and asked for reassurance which has been very humiliating and hasn't worked because my brain immediately starts trying to find exceptions and 'worse' situations to worry about. I need to keep strong and keep believing this is OCD no matter how I feel. Bec. x

Hi Spirit, I read your post yesterday morning and thought about it throughout the day. I've had a similar year to yours and I'm just beginning to get back into work and to see some results from ERP exercises. It's hard work isn't it, but the alternative is worse! Thank you for posting your advice. All these seemingly little things are important to help you cope with OCD. I sometimes find it hard to remember to eat properly, get decent sleep and do enjoyable things and OCD jumps up and bites me again! Thanks for your positive post and I hope you continue to go from strength to strength. :original: Bec

I'm with you! I'm feeling uncomfortable today, but I'm still with you. I've been out this morning challenging my OCD thoughts that I could cause harm to others. It feels risky but I'm just hoping the more I do it the easier it will get. I keep getting glimpses of what life could be like without OCD, then something unexpected comes up and puts me back in my place. I'll keep fighting though :original: