gingerbreadgirl

I really don't understand why people keep saying this is a wider issue than OCD. To me I just see standard OCD and the intense and overwhelming despair which can come with it. If nll was anguished about germs instead of fantasies I don't think anyone would necessarily claim it is "clearly more" than OCD - it just makes me think that some people with OCD have not experienced this level of despair and therefore think it must be more than that. I and many others on the forum have been to this place and know what nll is feeling.

So you're just going to put that on your wife so you can feel better - even though she's asked you not to and it clearly upsets her - doesn't that sound pretty cruel to you?

I honestly think your wife is being quite brutal. I don't understand how she could choose right now to say this to you whatever her feelings. She could calm the flames of this - I don't understand the rationale. That said you need to not engage with the subject with her. Refuse to go there and do not get drawn in even if she questions you. This is imperative for both of you. Don't answer her questions just say I'm not talking about this. The key thing right now is to get to a more stable place.

I absolutely agree - getting better should be your absolute number one priority right now nll. X

Agree with snow bear - put a giant STOP sign up in your head and do something else - anything.

This is all rumination - focus on something else nll

You've got this nll, you're stronger than OCD, KEEP turning away from it over and over and over - eventually it gets easier but it takes time

I've been in a terrible place with OCD with a not dissimilar theme to you, and I'd say I am 90% out of it now. I've done various things but the bottom line is stopping compulsions. I know it sounds glib to say that but it is. Medication and good therapy are amazing but they are not going to magically make this better. If you had a broken leg and went for treatment, but then went home and repeatedly stabbed yourself in the leg, would you rail against the system for not fixing your leg? I'm not excusing the system being unfit for purpose but I DO see you do compulsion after compulsion and no therapist, no medication, is going to fix you if you keep doing that. I'm sorry if this sounds blunt or harsh, I've always felt a lot of sympathy for your situation as you know. But there is lots you could do that you're not doing. Yes it is HARD - but what is this if not hard??

Going for a walk sounds a good idea - but don't spend the walk ruminating - can you listen to something distracting like a good podcast?

This is just not true, lots of proper have told you over the years they have had this exact theme

You said that you believe nll's wife is "completely blameless" and then when someone else offers a countering opinion you say it's none of your business.

I think dismissing posts that you don't agree with as "pat responses" is pretty condescending actually. Anyway back to NLL. I agree with Malina and lifewillbegood that couples therapy would be a great way for you to go if you and your wife are both willing. Hope you are ok xx

So i do not believe your wife is completely blameless in this and I say this having followed your threads over many years. She has perpetuated your distress by grilling you, putting you in a position where you are forced to lie, and she has done so while you are in the absolute depths of despair. I absolutely could not just stand by while my partner was suicidally distressed no matter what the cause and no matter what my insecurities. I believe she could say something to you like - I understand fantasies are normal and I don't want you to suffer, I don't want to hear about them so can we agree not to discuss them. But my impression is that this is not what she does. She would be far less likely to have to listen to them if she didn't make you feel so utterly guilty about them, given she knows about your tendency to confess.

Great post - I really hope you will take this on board nll

If your wife is keen for you not to tell her than she has to meet you half way by not asking. If she asks a question she has to be prepared not to like the answer. She can't have it both ways. If she doesn't want to know she needs to stop asking.

Sending you lots of good wishes nll, look after yourself x

I think this suggests a poor understanding of OCD and how it works if I'm honest

I don't believe fantasies or thoughts cross any kind of boundaries - they don't affect anyone else

NLL you've done NOTHING wrong and I know you know this on some level. The ONLY thing that matters are your actions, your thoughts are YOURS and you are entitled to think about whatever you like all day long, it's private and it's yours and it harms no one. Put this down and enjoy your day.

Hi NLL, I think the biggest thing that keeps you stuck is every time you are struck by these triggering episodes you dive head first into rumination, trying to figure out whether things are ok, whether you are ok, and so on. I truly understand how strong the pull for this kind of rumination can be. But it's my opinion that this is what has kept you stuck all these years - nothing more complicated than that xx

I feel that this thread is getting quite off track - I don't believe NLL has any problem with abnormal fantasies. I think his only problem is OCD. I don't think discussions about avoiding thoughts are particularly helpful especially in the context of OCD.

Hi NLL My view is now and has always been that the fantasies are not the issue, the content is not the issue, the only issues are (a) the way you react to your anxiety around them and (b) to some extent your wife's rigid views around this topic. You are going down a path you've been down many many times before - turn back now and decide firmly to nip your compulsions in the bud x

Nobody is saying that the dream was necessarily horrible they're saying dreams are meaningless no matter what they're about. Can you see the huge number of compulsions going on here with your posts?

Have an amazing time Lynz. I had an incredible time in Mexico when I went and it's one of my favourite ever places. I am v jealous! I think it's also about trusting "future Lynz" to deal with whatever happens. You don't need to meticulously plan for her (aside from the sensible things you've already done) because she can cope - it's her problem not yours! If you get ill then you will deal with it as it happens and you need to show yourself you have that confidence. in the meantime just focus on having an amazing trip and all the cool things you'll be doing

Hi belanna - your question as to whether OCD is irrational - yes absolutely (as with all OCD). That doesn't mean viruses don't happen or contamination isn't real or illness isn't horrible. But is it worth being house bound and not living your life in really any way at all? I would say no - I'd rather have a virus every day than live like that. I don't mean this in a harsh way - I do and have done a ton of compulsions - but I would rather be free of OCD than anything else x