efes

Huh?

How I feel right now. Because someone I know off the Internet said that one of his biggest regrets was throwing a potted plant at a dog when he was younger, and I'm worrying that he might have been a young adult or close to it when he did that because he said "youthful antics," and whether that would mean he's an irredeemable person who deserves to be locked up.

At times like this, I wonder what the hell letting your thoughts float by is supposed to entail. Because all I know is how to distract, which normally would work, but since this specific theme involves getting overly conscious when I suddenly remember a thought, it's different.

To think that I could easily have nipped this in the bud two days ago, but I didn't.

For some reason, I haven't really been able to distract when my brain is threatening to lose interest in funny things.

What I meant was that, trying to enjoy certain things really induces those what-ifs more than other things do.

I think it's the "trying too hard to test whether I enjoy this certain thing enough or not" part that's the problem, I think. Like, I can't enjoy certain things because they trigger these kind of doubts.

It used to be that I would be relatively satisfied giving in to this theme, but now that I've noticed how tiring this is, for some reason, I'm more anxious now.

I have to admit something: sometimes a brain fog comes over and makes me have this obsession of, "How did I feel when I enjoyed this one thing? How can I replicate the exact way I felt when I enjoyed it?"

Now my brain is threatening to lose interest in funny things. Well, I should just distract. Because I only remember this theme every once in a while then. I forget it.

...It's now threatening to lose interest in things. I guess my brain just wants to make me nervous. Now that I know that the what-ifs in my mind are wrong, my anxiety is trying to desperately hold on by making me lose interest in things. BTW, I think that maybe I should focus on what I could enjoy instead of what I can't enjoy.

OK, admittedly, there's a good side that I should probably learn from at my worst: when I forget about this, I suddenly enjoy what I want to enjoy again.

I know that this might be short-sighted because maybe I've been through worse, but I think right now is close to my lowest. At least if this were merely an intrusive thought, I could still enjoy things and sit with the anxiety. Right now though, my mind is threatening to lose interest in certain things.

I could relate.

I guess so.

Sometimes, I forget what I'm supposed to be nervous about and just wind up enjoying what I want to enjoy, but then I suddenly remember and now I can't anymore.

So I'll enjoy those things if I don't try too hard?

Let me admit what a big problem here is: when I try to enjoy something, a brain fog comes over me and makes me enjoy it less and makes me want to repeat something all over and over again to see if I enjoy it enough.

Yeah, admittedly, as someone who has to do all of the work on my own, I think like that sometimes, because people always suggest treatment/therapy when they're annoyed with me, and maybe, just maybe that's the one thing I haven't done. .

So if I can't enjoy a certain thing, I should enjoy another one instead?

That's the thing: my mind is threatening to lose interest in certain things and when I try to enjoy them, there's a brain fog that comes over me that makes me worry I don't enjoy them enough. Like, when an intrusive thought is coming on, at least I know I could just enjoy stuff despite the nervousness. This theme, on the other hand, is deliberately targeting the things I enjoy.

...I mean, this feels exactly like how an OCD thought would, but it also feels like well, not an intrusive thought because I am welcoming it, but um, maybe it's, like, a non-intrusive thought brought by OCD? BTW, this is about a certain something. I'm worried if I haven't gotten over a certain something. I am almost over it (Not quite, but not to the extent of before,) but I have worries that maybe I'm suddenly having the "boo hoo, I can't live without you" mentality that I used to have just a week or two ago. Does this really mean anything, or do I just need to ride out the thoughts?

..When I realized how someone I otherwise fancy has a mole in a certain body part (No, it's not the body part you think it is, I just want to prevent TMI), I got overly grossed out and mentally acted like someone with contamination OCD, with all the obsessing and whatnot.

No wonder I was so nervous today, I wasn't very busy.

Who else knows this feeling?