kika22

Thank you guys, for responding. I appreciate the feedback. It’s just really frustrating because I can remember making the decision not to check because I felt like I wanted something bad to happen. I’m trying really hard to let it go like I usually do, but I feel so much guilt. Like what if something had gone wrong. It didn’t, but did I know that in the moment, idk.

So typically I’m pretty good at dismissing my thoughts as ocd. But I had an episode a few days ago that I can’t get out of my head. I was out driving. And somebody cut me off. I got upset. And as I continued to drive, I was about to pass a vehicle. I had a thought that I should check to make sure I’m not over the line or anything but instead, I chose not to check because I was so upset from getting cut off, that I felt like I wanted to keep going and possibly hurt someone. Now I’m worried because the thought didnt feel intrusive, it felt like it was my own choice/thought, and I wanted it to happen.

My OCD is driving me INSANE today. I can't stop having to repeat words over and over in my head until it feels right (which it never does) I have a freaking headache!

Thank you, I'm feeling better now.

Im worried because it felt like one of those moments where it wasn't ocd

I'm worried right now because I was working checkout tonight and a mother came up with her young daughter who was in the cart. The little girl was putting stuff on the counter for me to ring up and as I was reaching for the stuff, I felt like I wanted to touch her and in that moment it felt like I was trying to. Even tho nothing actually happened, I can't move past it because in that moment I felt like I wanted to and was trying to touch her.

I believe that if I see something happen that could petentionally be dangerous then I should say something especially if I'm nearby. So since my initial thought was to just let it happen because I wanted to, I feel like I did something wrong.

I just can't help but feel like a monster. What if the baby got seriously hurt?

Scary moment today. I was at work and there was a family a little ways away from where I was. I just happened to look over and their baby was about to climb over the top part of the cart and fall on the ground. In the second before I realized his mom saw it happening, I felt like I really wanted him to fall. Now I'm scared because I thought that before I knew the mom was gonna get him. I really think I would have just let him fall because of all the hatred I feel towards kids because they give me so much anxiety. Am I a bad person?

Thank you polar bear. I've had plenty of distractions all weekend. Been focusing on other things.

So yesterday at work something happened that I cannot move past. I was working check out. And not far away we have automatic doors. I was ringing up this lady and her grandkid. While I'm ringing her up, the kid goes up to one of the automatic doors and it opens. When I look back over I don't see the kid. So my mind automatically goes to the worst possible solution, like he walked outside, he's gonna get lost or get hit by a car or something. I look over at the Grandma and she isn't paying attention. I know I could say something but for some reason I feel weird doing that. But what has me worried is that during this whole thing, I don't feel worried about the kid, because honestly the kid was annoying me earlier and I just generally don't like kids. So what's going through my head is what if something is happening to the kid right now and I'm not doing anything to stop it because I don't care about this kid or his wellbeing. The whole time I was kinda at war with myself. But I was more worried that I would be responsible instead of the kid's wellbeing. Finally I notice that the door keeps opening and closing and no one is going through it so I assume that it's actually the kid just playing with the door and he didn't go outside or anything. But I can't shake this horrible feeling that I'm just the worst possible human being because I didn't care about this kid's safety, because I don't like kids. I don't know if any of this is even gonna make sense.

Like I know I wouldn't go up to a child and touch them, but it's instances like these that scare me, where I try to brush against a child with my hand or something and it counts as the same thing because in my head it feels like I want to.

Yeah

I've been freaking out all night. While I was at work, I was ringing up this family, there were kids everywhere. When I went to grab their bag, I moved my hand like I was trying to touch one of the children. In reality, there were no kids near me but at the time I didn't know that and I specifically thought that I was trying to touch one of them. Now I can't stop freaking out. I felt like I wanted to.

My therapist seems to think I choose to think the harm thoughts because it gives me relief from the anxiety that I feel around the dog. Which I think is true. But since it doesn't sound like OCD, I've been really freaked out about it.