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Running Lover

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  1. Running Lover

    Ocd worsening - can't take anymore

    I feel compelled to tell you this because I’ve been in a similar situation. Last year (age 38) I had to leave my child and partner and move back to my parents. I prayed every night I wouldn’t wake. The thoughts were 24 7. I had no control of my life my parents took my meds and give me daily, they made me get out of bed and eat every day. I fought with them constantly. It was awful. Like you I’ve suffered 20+ years has several huge breakdowns but this by far the worse. All I want you to know is it’s now further down the line. I’m still fighting. I’m back home and back at work. It’s hard. Very hard but please know it will pass. It’s a horrible awful thing. No one should suffer alone xx ps my mum also didn’t understand. She would say things like “that’s enough now” I would scream at her that I couldn’t stop. She would also say it “wasn’t fair on the family”. I’m not angry with her she just doesn’t get it
  2. Running Lover

    Spikes , agree with them ?

    I have this very same issue. My ocd focus is mainly what I call “ real life events “. It’s so hard because you feel the need to constantly confess and everyone gets frustrated as they say they don’t want to know.
  3. Running Lover

    For those struggling...

    This is interesting. My ocd has made me do a lot of compulsions I’m not comfortable with ( before diagnosis and couldn’t think what else to do to get answers ). I often worry if people knew they wouldn’t want to associate with me and also if I was to ever meet a new partner in the future ( have no intentions ) but would I have to tell them everything. A woman I was talking to said yes
  4. I’ve been trying not to post because I’m aboiding reassurance at all costs. But I’m really struggling. It’s all regarding compulsions from years ago I carried out to check I hadn’t done anything wrong when the only thing I did wrong was to do the ( distasteful compulsions ) but when you don’t know you have ocd and you are very scared the only thing I knew to do was to check. Anyway the problem is I can’t remember all the compulsions which frightens me. I have a *good idea what they involved but can’t remeber 100% as it was almost 20 years ago. My therapist told me not to go back to past there is no value as do my family but I feel I want to be punished for the way I behaved (compulsions) when my ocd was at its very worse. I’m trying to ignore that narrative but it won’t go. I’m trying not to search back but can’t stop. I’m trying not to do physical ( best I can ) compulsions but can’t stop. I just feel so committed to sorting this out as I would rather be punished than walking around feeling so so ill
  5. Hi. Ive been told by a family friend I should consider applying for PIP as my ocd has affected me so bad for so long and money is really tight due to private therapy and no sick pay when off work. The truth is I don’t know where to start it hadn’t even occurred to me. I have never claimed for anything in my life. If I was successful it would maybe allow me to get a cleaner as I really struggle so much with this because of my ocd. Little things I’ve just learnt to live with a house which is getting worse and worse month by month because I can’t cope. I don’t want people to think I’m scrounging off the government I have worked my whole life apart from times when I’ve had to go off sick like now because of ocd.
  6. Running Lover

    PTSD and OCD

    Today I saw my psychologist. She said something interesting. Basically I’ve been really stuck since sept on the period of time my ocd was absolutely awful between ages 0-9 bringing my son up who is now an adult. Since learning more about ocd and compulsions etc I realised how crazy I had been carrying out compulsions all day every day but it just became the norm to me a way of protecting my son and making sure the action/feeling/thought I had just carried out was okay. You all know how it works. Anyway I’m mortified even suicidal at times thinking of this it destroys me I feel so bad. She thinks I may have ptsd about that period of my life and I think she might be right.
  7. I just can’t deal without because of the theme. If I had been checking a door non stop I couldn’t care less but it wasn’t a door was it. That’s what I can’t cope with.
  8. Running Lover

    Guilt over school work

    I know exactly what you are thinking @Jen_90I have had similar issues. I won’t go in to detail but basically thinking I shouldn’t have passed driving test. Degree. Job interview (someone told me the questions). It is all ocd that’s all you need to know. And I also get worse on long hol weekends etc it’s like it latches on knowing I should be enjoying myself
  9. I wish that was true. For most people yes. But for me it’s actual things not just in my head. Actions ( compulsions ). I just can’t forgive myself I’ve been trying since Feb. The weird thing is until Feb this year I hadn’t thought of this. I just did them at the time didn’t think any wrong because I thought I was doing right checking. Now I understand ocd I know it was all a lie in my head in the first place so therefore the checking shouldn’t have took place. I was scared. I am scared now more scared than ever. Just don’t want this on my mind for the rest of my life
  10. Hi. I’m still struggling a lot. I’ve cut back on reassurance seeking ( next to none ) and physical compulsions ( checking on myself ) but still with every day that passes I think of another awful compulsion *carried out all along my ocd theme. My psychologist said she isn’t bothered she knows I’m no risk to children I’ve never carried anything out for personal gratification and furthermore never had gross intent it was merely a checking compulsion she sees as a symptom of an illness but I just can’t let it go. Today I went to the beach and wrote on a stone “I want to die” on one side and “help me please” on the other. I can’t explain why it makes no sense but I thought if there is a god and he can see me now surely he can see the pain I’m in and let me go in some way even by death. I would take that. I often hope I get run over so that my family don’t have to cope with effects of suicide because at least the could get over an accident. Sorry to sound so selfish and glum but I can’t talk to anyone I’m away from home st the moment so it’s difficult to worry family over the phone I don’t want to upset anybody.
  11. Running Lover

    Another day another worry

    Thank you. I think I know what you mean a bit. It’s my reaction to my thoughts about the acts that the problem. So distract myself from the thoughts.
  12. Running Lover

    Another day another worry

    It’s hard because I want to but it’s all so erratic in my head. Also when you say it twists and turns that’s not really the case for me because these are real events that happened I can understand it does that but it doesn’t twist things when carrying out compulsions or thinking about the compulsions you carried out. That’s just a memory of something that unfortunately *happened
  13. Running Lover

    Another day another worry

    @InOverMyHeaddo you mean meds? I took myself gradually off them so I’m only on half a tablet a day, previously max amount. I take cbd oil ( last 3 weeks ish ) im seeing private psychologist but im not sure how we are doing. He’s never interested in the confession I have for him which stresses me out because maybe he doesn’t believe. I asked him yesterday and he said he’s know concerns because he knows I’m not peodopile and any compulsions carried out have not been for personal gratification in fact I loathed doing them. So back to your question “anything that helps” we’ll the cbt should be but I don’t feel it is ?
  14. Running Lover

    Good Book Suggestions

    I might try pulling the trigger @gingerbreadgirl I’m just reading the man who couldn’t stop. It’s okay but not as good as others.
  15. Running Lover

    Good Book Suggestions

    I’ve just finished. Tormenting thoughts and secret ritual and for me it’s the best book I’ve ever read on ocd. It just clicked in to place for me. I’m not saying it’s for everyone take a look at reviews etc but I know for me it was great. So much so I bought 2 more copies one for my parents and one for my best friend to read to try and understand.