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lonelygirl91

Bulletin Board User
  • Content Count

    303
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Previous Fields

  • OCD Status
    Sufferer
  • Type of OCD
    Pure OCD centred around sexual obsessions and health anxiety

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    london

Recent Profile Visitors

659 profile views
  1. I don't mean to be offensive but it's a personal preference. I know that some gay people are not interested in being with someone who is bi either. For me there would always be that worry at the back of my head that he prefers men and he will feel that he misses being with and having sex with men. Some women don't mind bi men but for me it's a turn off. Having said that I have no prejudice towards people who are bi or bi men, they should be who they are but I don't want to be involved with them romantically or sexually.
  2. I've always worried what if I'm gay or bi now I'm worried that my boyfriend is. He said that there was one time when he got an erection by sitting on a guy. He said he was on a school trip when he was 15 and there wasn't any space to sit in their room so another guy sat on him or he sat on a guy and got an erection. He said that he's never been interested in men. He said he's been approached by gay men but he said he felt really uncomfortable and rejected their advances. We haven't had sex yet but he said I've given him a hard on. I couldn't date a bi guy. I know that sounds mean but I'm not into bisexual men as I would always worry that they prefer men and they they would give me AIDs. I wouldn't want to come home one day to my boyfriend ******* another guy. Is this experience that my boyfriend had when I was 15 a cause for concern? He said he wasn't interested in the boy and they never spoke about it.
  3. I feel the same way on this forum. Ruminating is horrible and wastes so much time and energy. I've gotten a lot better with it over the years and have learnt to handle it. The only advise I can really give is not to engage with those topics as you will only go round and round in circles. Just say to yourself STOP, I'm not going there and I'm not going to engage with the OCD. Do things to try and take your mind off it.
  4. I try to be rational for example, a lesbian wouldn't be so upset about the idea of losing her boyfriend (lesbians in this modern society don't even have boyfriends because they don't need to cover up!). I mostly always get wet when I'm around my boyfriend. I enjoy being around him and look forward to seeing him. I'm looking forward to sex with him, though as it approaches I'm feeling nervous and my sex drive isn't as high after the implant (I'm hoping that it's a temporary side effect). I'm looking forward to seeing his penis.
  5. Recently I was doing well and my last really bad OCD spell was months ago. Recently it's been really playing up again. I have Sexual Orientation OCD about being a lesbian or bi. I also have OCD about getting rare diseases (this obsession used to be really bad but luckily hasn't been flaring up in a very long time) and POCD (OCD about being a paedophile). My SO-OCD has been quite bad lately. I've recently found a boyfriend, which is awesome! I was the one who chased him and went through agony wondering if he felt the same way about me (luckily he did). We've had a few bumps in the road and there were times when I thought we were going to break up and was in a right state as I didn't want to lose him. Luckily things have been going well lately. We still haven't slept together because I've wanted to wait and make sure that he likes me for more than just sex as I've had guys only after sex and I have anxiety of being used for sex. We will have sex soon, but I'm worried as I haven't done it for a really long time so I feel very nervous. I feel excited too, but I'm worried it will hurt and I won't get wet enough which is a sign I'm a lesbian. I recently got a contraceptive implant and I feel that it's made my moods and obsessions darker. Before that I was so excited about having sex with my boyfriend and fantasised about it all the time. Now I feel that my sex drive isn't as high. I'm hoping that it's a side effect. My mind is constantly telling me that I'm a lesbian and what if I would rather be with a woman? I get intrusive thoughts but I try not to interact with and analyse these thoughts which is huge progress. I used to mentally test sexual thoughts with a woman which only made me feel worse and got me stuck in the cycle of ruminating and high anxiety. My mind tries to dare me to do it? Is this typical of OCD? I don't know why it's gotten really bad again. I've had a few stressful factors such as having my work hours cut and losing my stability and routine, which is a big thing for me. The arguments with my boyfriend haven't helped. Also I don't know if having a contraceptive implant could be partly responsible. I don't know if hormones have an impact on OCD. Also the weather is so horrible and it's so dark; I think I have Seasonal Affective Disorder as I really hate autumn and winter and want to move to a warm country.
  6. I don't even know if I said it! Part of me is trying to be rational and that if I did, the kids would notice and a) ask what it means or b) be like miss said a bad word. kids are honest. they weren't phased at all.
  7. The thing is working with children is extremely stressful and even the most minor things can get you in trouble. I once got suspended because this nasty headteacher said I wasn't watching the kids properly and made ridiculous petty accusations and looking for faults i.e. the kids were on the stage (it wasn't dangerous and very low so no one could be hurt), a piece of equipment wasn't straight and that I was shouting at children. It was such a horrible and agonising time being suspended. I felt that I did nothing wrong and I always take my job very seriously. At this school many of the kids had severe behavioural issues and it was very difficult to work with them- even the two managers left because they said they couldn't handle the kids. I've had loads of colleagues and parents tell me that I'm good at what I do. I feel so angry that I was suspended for something so ridiculous and minor! No children were hurt and nothing happened! I know this guy who is useless at his job and is a manager, recently a child banged her head really hard and got concussion and knocked out four teeth under his care and he didn't know how it happened because he wasn't watching. He didn't get suspended and he should have! That for anyone is way more serious and the mum strongly complained about him! Everyone says that I was unfairly accused. This happened 3 months ago and obviously I'm working at the same company. I feel that I have to watch my back all the time and I worry over any little or minor thing because there are some people who make a mountain out of the littlest thing! It tends to be teachers as well! It's like they enjoy the drama. Last year me and two other girls got in trouble and were accused of sunbathing because we sat down in the sun and apparently we're not allowed to sit down. It was a scorching hot day! The other two girls were really good at their jobs and great with the kids. We worked with some other guys and these guys were useless; they would huddle in a group and just talk amongst themselves the whole time instead of interacting with and watching the children and they never got in trouble! I feel that there's so much unfairness. I feel that there's so much pressure and I'm scared that if I accidentally said the wrong thing, that I'd be taken the wrong way and I'd get suspended and fired and banned from working with children. I think I would kill myself if that happened.
  8. I'm always careful around what I say and do around the children. I'm always careful not to swear or say anything inappropriate around children and I make sure if they watch or listen to something it's for children.
  9. I've been working with children for over 2 years and I enjoy it but lately I've been feeling really anxious. Lately I've been depressed and I'm going away on holiday on Monday and I always get anxious before I go away as I worry that something will go wrong. In my mind I keep worrying that I'm a paedo and that I've done or said something wrong or that I have impure thoughts. Today I was playing a game with the kids and I told them a story about a witch who made children be her servant. Then in my mind it was like sex servant. I'm worried what if I said it aloud? Why would such a thought pop into my head. Why would i associate a children's tale with that?? Why would i think such a thing?
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