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lonelygirl91

Bulletin Board User
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  • OCD Status
    Sufferer

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    Female
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    london

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  1. lonelygirl91

    Are mental compulsions part of OCD

    Thanks for your replies guys. I'm seeing my therapist tomorrow morning; I hope he can help me. In the mean time I'm trying not to check and ruminate and am keeping myself busy with work and hobbies.
  2. lonelygirl91

    Are mental compulsions part of OCD

    I'm still feeling pretty terrible. My mind is trying to convince me that I should look up this girl on Facebook. I don't want to do it but my mind is saying that I want to. Do you ever get that feeling that your mind is trying to make you seem like you really want to do something but you actually don't. Does that make sense.
  3. lonelygirl91

    Are mental compulsions part of OCD

    I had a really good evening last night. I managed to stop mentally testing and I felt better. I even felt desire for guys. I had some wine to drink last night and I felt myself feeling horny for guys and I fantasised about guys, which I really enjoyed and didn't want to stop. Today I'm not feeling so good. 7 years ago I got with a girl when drunk. I vaguely remember what the girl looked like, just that she was blonde and large. I went to the hairdresser and she reminded me of that girl I got with (thankfully it wasn't her) and I felt really anxious and started testing again. I still remember the girl's name who I got with, but I can't remember how I felt when I made out with her. Is that normal? I've gotten with guys before- some whose names I don't remember, some that I've forgotten and didn't remember the night. Is this normal. I've only ever gotten with a girl once and that was when I was drunk at university. I felt anxious and scared after it happened and worried that I was a lesbian. I was confused and lost and didn't know how I felt. I claimed that I "enjoyed"- I wrote on my yahoo account that night that I "liked it" and was scared I was a lesbian. I don't know if I really did "like" it. I've done stuff when drunk and gotten with guys who I would never look at twice when sober, but when drunk was all over them and seemed to have "enjoyed" myself. I honestly would never be interested in these guys when sober. I don't like when people say drunk thoughts are sober thoughts. I don't get drunk anymore; only I'll have some rose wine sometimes. I find having a glass or two is enough, anymore and I get anxious and don't feel in control. I've never let that night go with that girl. I wish it had never happened. Do I sound bi? A bi girl would enjoy getting with a girl. I don't know if I really "enjoyed" it and if I was just drunk and in the moment and don't really know how I felt. I've never gotten with a girl since nor do I desire to.
  4. lonelygirl91

    Are mental compulsions part of OCD

    Hi there everyone. I'm feeling better today. I've still been testing but not as much. I'm setting myself a challenge not to mentally test for 24 hours.
  5. lonelygirl91

    Are mental compulsions part of OCD

    It's so hard to resist compulsions. Is this OCD that whenever you test sometimes your mind tricks you and you're not repulsed and my mind makes it seem like I could want to do stuff with a woman? I'm like WTF and it makes me test more. Does OCD trick you like that? Thanks for the response guys. I'm trying to take my mind off of testing and I feel better.
  6. I have OCD about being a lesbian or bi. Recently I was doing really well and felt well but these past two weeks it's been bad. Today has been terrible. I keep testing mental scenarios in my head; could I do stuff with a woman. I test it in my mind hoping to be repulsed but when my mind isn't and makes it seems like I could want to be with a woman I start to panic. I test these intimate thoughts and when it seems like I could be that way inclined I freak out. I even start hyperventilating. When i test these thoughts and im repulsed i feel happy. When i dont get the result i want i feel so terrible. Is this part of OCD? I have OCD and have had this theme for years. I feel so terrible and so trapped. I want this to go away. I'm seeing a therapist next week.
  7. I haven't been doing too well lately. My themes keep on switching; recently it was hypochondria (fear of getting this rare parasite in my eye and having cancer), paedophilia (what if I've done something inappropriate around children) and now it's what if I'm lesbian or bi. I keep on ruminating about my past; were there signs that I was a lesbian or bi. I watched a snippet of Oprah on YouTube last night and this woman said that she realised that she was a lesbian when she was married (turns out that her husband was also gay himself). She said that she was boy mad when she was younger but had crushes on her female friends, but didn't know that there was such thing as lesbians. She said she had a bad relationship with a girl and it made her not want another relationship with a woman, but then she got married and 5 years into the marriage she said she realised that she was a lesbian. This spiked me majorly. I keep ruminating and thinking back to my past, what signs were there? I knew that people could be gay or bi and my parents were accepting of gay people. I went to a Catholic school but I ways always an atheist and was always against the teachings of Catholicism and Christianity. My parents weren't religious; my mum is a lapsed Catholic and my dad was a Jewish atheist. I now identify as Jewish and am undergoing a conversion, but I am a liberal Jew and Judaism especially progressive Judaism is accepting towards the LGBT community unlike Catholicism and most sects of Christianity. I know lots of openly gay people within the Jewish community. I've never been and I'm not particularly religious so I have no problem with gay and lesbians, I just don't want it for myself. I started being interested in boys really late; 13, going on 14. I had crushes on guys; my first big crush was on Leonardo DiCaprio in Titanic. I went to an all girls school and never got to meet boys. I worried that I would turn into a lesbian. I really liked boys and was excited to be around boys. I never really thought about girls in that way. I had a straight friend who always talked about what actress she would like to do a lesbian scene with and once made us watch this film about lesbians. I don't think I was really phased by it. This friend is straight by the way. Also when I was growing up it was quite fashionable to be "bi". When I was 18 I wondered what it would be like to kiss a girl and I thought I could be bi because I admired women's bodies, but my mum said it doesn't make you bi. Shortly after I started worrying about what if I was a lesbian or liked girls and it frightened me and made me sad. i once had a very brief encounter with a girl at uni when I was drunk. I don't remember it but I was very upset after it and was terrified that I was a lesbian and my OCD got really bad. It was only a one time thing. I've only ever gotten with guys otherwise. I only want to date guys and have sex with guys but I'm like what if one day I "realise" I'm a lesbian like that woman on Oprah? I'm really fussy when it comes to guys. I've only ever had one short term relationship which ended badly years ago. I was really into this guy but he broke my heart and I think it made me scared of relationships. The guys that I like are never into me and the guys that I'm not into are interested in me. I use Tinder but my mind would sometimes be like what if you're into girls and want to look at the girl's profiles. My mind would be so convincing but I never did it and I'd obsessively check that my settings were put at interested in men.
  8. I'm so anxious that I'm in a constant state of panic. I'm struggling to eat and I get that feeling at the pit of my stomach. So yesterday I went swimming with my contact lenses as I left my contact lenses case at home, however I wore goggles over my lenses and didn't put my face under water, although I got splashed a few times. Goggles are really great as the chlorine stings so much when it goes in your eye. My eyes felt fine so I don't know if any water got into them. Also I went to the steam rooms for about 5-6 minutes with my contact lenses and without goggles as I thought I wouldn't need them. I'm worried that I've exposed my eyes to bacteria. I didn't think about bacteria breeding in heat. I took my contact lenses out after 2 hours and threw them out even though they're two weeklies and non disposable. I've been reading online and there's this rare and sight threatening eye condition called acanthamoeba keratitus. They say it's rare but it's caused by germs in tap water, showers and swimming pools. I'm really worried that I've got this condition. It can rob you of your sight and it's really difficult to treat. Apparently this bacteria eats your eye. The symptoms are redness of the eye, tearing, pain and sensitivity to light. My eyes feel ok so far but the corners of my eyes are a bit itchy and were a bit watery earlier on. I'm worried the other symptoms will develop after a few days. I read an article about a girl who had it and she started developing symptoms after three days. I'm worried I'll develop symptoms and that I have this.
  9. I've had this theme for about 8 years now. It came out of the blue. I think I'm not normal sometimes like I never had any childhood crushes. I wasn't interested in boys until I was like 13! I had a "crush" on this female teacher when I was like 12 but I don't think it was sexual or romantic. I think I just really admired her and she was kind to me and I liked to be around her. I told my mum about it and my mum said it's so normal for straight girls to have "crushes" on a female teacher and it doesn't mean anything sexual or romantic, just that you really admire them. I had crushes on boys like I wanted to date them. I was a late developer and didn't start being interested in sex until I was like 16. Even then I wanted to have sex with guys. I haven't fancied a guy in a really long time. I feel like ive lost my attraction and interest in men, is this typical of OCD? Also I don't feel I'm normal because I'm 26 almost 27 and I've never had a real boyfriend. I could have a boyfriend if I wanted to but the guys who are interested in me I don't find attractive. I will only want to sleep with a guy if im really attracted to him otherwise i dont see the point. Even if he has a good face but is too skinny I won't want to sleep with him as I don't find really skinny men appealing. My mind is telling me that I'm a lesbian because I'm so fussy. I see so many girls who are not fussy so there must be something wrong me me. Loads of girls go crazy about the dream boys but I don't see the point of going crazy over overly buff men who are just paid to strip in front of hoards of horny women.
  10. That's not the question. The question I asked is if this type of mental testing and to that degree that I wrote are typical or normal of OCD. Is it normal to test whether or not you could be naked with your best friend and whether or not you desire her?
  11. I try to test these thoughts to see if I find them disgusting but sometimes my mind isn't disgusted and I'm like WTF?? To you get that? Is it normal for people with OCD
  12. So you're saying that this is still OCD despite this sexual mental testing in my mind. Do people with sexual orientation check mentally create and check these thoughts like I do?
  13. But is this type of mental testing normal or typical within OCD, imagining your best friend naked and being intimate with them to see if I would desire her and want to be intimate with her. How is that different from fantasizing? I guess when I fantasize about men it doesn't cause me anxiety and it's not ruminating and it's not forced. I seem to have lost interest in men but I don't know if this is because of the OCD.
  14. I mentally test so much? I mentally test sexual scenarios in my head. At the moment I'm worried, what if I'm attracted to my best friend. In my mind I try to imagine, would I want to be naked with her? I know it's sick. Who imagines stuff like that. I try to imagine her naked to see if I would be attracted to her and if I could be sexual with her. I wrinkle my nose with disgust as I write this. Don't you only imagine people naked if you want to sleep with them or fancy them? Part of me is like no way, I don't see my friend like that and then the part of me is like, I could want to be with her and sleep with her and it depresses me and I'm like WTF?? Is this normal, do people with OCD have these kind of thoughts and mentally test these kind of scenarios?
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