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clouds

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  1. I don't know why I think I would have too tell people, I'm not sure if I would keep worrying about it if I didn't. But like I said I would like to pursue a career I art and as the internet is a big place, it would be good too get it recognised on here. Like I want a Tumblr blog to put all the stuff I like on there but then I worry about doing rituals on there and about if I see something that will trigger me, like make me think things. Also if I see something I want too reblog what if I get a thought before hand and then think that post will be contaminated by my thoughts. Then I worry am I only forcing myself to do this? Maybe when I see a therapist they will be able too help me with this. I will undoubtedly write a list too my therapist when I see one. Thank you.
  2. So I’m quite good at art and drawing and I feel like it’s not going anywhere like I should post my art online like I used too, I don’t know why I stopped but I did. I think I should show my talent off, but I worry about stuff, like if my art doesn’t look good and if I put it on the internet, the art could be contaminated and stuff. But as my OCD interferes with my art hobby it’s caused all this thoughts. Some are like; "If I make a Tumblr blog should I tell people I have OCD?" "Should I reblog stuff on my art blog and let people reblog from me?" Because I worry about if it’s there forever. Like I know people reblog stuff from others, but I’m like “I don’t want others to reblog from me” because of the thought of forever and if I constantly think of it (If you have read my other topic you will understand) Also I think “As I have OCD I shouldn’t have a blog and show off my art.” (I think I think this because I have not found anyone who draws similar things too me that have OCD.) And “will I be doing constant rituals like liking and reblogging, and if I done it on a certain thought and left it there, wouldn’t it contaminate everything? Would I think about it forever?” I think I think like this because if they reblogged it from my blog my username would come up. I don’t know why I think this, but also I have been trying to find others who draw similar things to me who also have OCD, but so far I haven’t found anyone. I used to constantly search for people like me who draw and post their art with OCD. Then I think “but it’s a waste not to share your talent” then I’m like “I don’t know if I feel like sharing it though, like I used too. Would I enjoy posting it? Would it make me unhappy spending all my time on the internet posting art” I obviously know there is more the life then the internet and it’s my choice if I post stuff, but I want to get a career in art/animation etc and a good way is too post stuff on the internet as it is used by alot of people. Then also I worry about people finding me, like not in real life but if someone were to know who I am and then share my blog and say stuff like “I know this girl from *insert website* and this is her blog, like she has a different user name for every site she’s on." This fear steamed from something that once happened on this website, I’m over that now but it has left me with these thoughts and fears. Also Tumblr has alot of opinionated people on there, which is another reason which I think is making me reluctant to join too. Then I get all thoughts of what they say about stuff then I feel like a bad emotion. Like I said years ago I used to post my art. I had two different accounts where I would post different things. I’m not sure why I stopped. I would like to join Tumblr and maybe deviant art but like I said earlier I have all these thoughts like; “will I be happy doing this? Will my life always be spend on the internet doing this.” And other questions. After I have posted this on this forum I will probably get anxious about if I do make an account and put some small information about me, I will worry if someone on here would find me. (as I said, not in real life.) I’m on a waiting list for CBT but I’m not sure how long that is going to take. I also wonder if they will understand my problems, (like what I mentioned on the previous topic)
  3. Hello PolarBear, thank you for answering my questions. I was thinking the same about the more I avoid OCD situations, the worse they become, and like you said the brain will think of more and more things to think about being contaminated. Taking risks is a part of OCD you have to do to become better, even if you feel anxious. I just worry even if I did do ERP my beliefs wont change.
  4. I have a lot of goals I want to complete but are holding me back because my OCD. Some of these are to; lose weight, keep my drawings (this may sound odd but I will explain,) buy things on ‘contaminated, bad’ days and not connect them with my thoughts and how I feel on that specific day. Stop thinking about how anime characters would feel towards my family. (This one sounds stupid about how characters would feel towards us because they don’t even exist.) I’m going to explain them individually I will link the ones that are similar because there’s no point writing about two things that are similar. I have tried CBT in the past but I never really knew how to apply it to my type of OCD (I do worry about other things that are to do with OCD but this is the main one I would love to get under control.) Now that I understand my OCD better and how to describe it I think now I can finally combat it. Thoughts I am on 40mg of Prozac I started 40mg back in January and I do feel better but not 100% like me feeling down has gone and my thoughts have decreased a lot, but still I am getting quite a lot of thoughts. When I type, write, get equipment out, getting up from a chair, any thoughts I don’t like I have to go back and repeat that action and neutralise it with a good thought. It’s like my thoughts are just stuck there constantly. It’s like every action I do I have to have a certain thought if not I will have to do the action if not something could happen like things could be contaminated. Things That I Think Can Be Contaminated My life, Dieting Drawings, art equipment Music, Songs Colours Objects Words The Thought of Forever and Mental Contamination, Thought-Object-Fusion, Magical thinking, and Beliefs? In a way it feels like everything is contaminated and could affect the future and my life if the contamination is not gone. If I were to keep my contaminated drawings forever it could ruin my life and everything I do or buy etc. When im not making art I feel ok, because now that my OCD has made it triggering when I make art I feel anxious and don’t enjoy it because I’m constantly thinking about the OCD and contamination. If make drawings on the contaminated paper but I feel ok about it because I know my ritual would be to throw it away after so that doesn’t bother me. But I really want to do drawing and animation for a living but how can I get into that industry without a collection of my work, they would want to see how I’ve improved over the years of drawing. I have some programs on my computer like google and some paint programs as I have searched this certain anime series it feels like now it has contaminated all my drawings I have done on that program as well as the programme its self. I like this anime series but when I went downhill back in December time I had thoughts about these characters in the anime. As they were not good thoughts it feels like that if I like the series I could also be a bad person because I had bad thoughts about the characters being unkind to my family. But ever since I starting looking at this series about a year ago it feels like everything has been contaminated. I have had this contamination belief before I even started looking at it. Whatever cartoon/anime series I watch now, I always think about the characters Another example if I where to buy an art item on a website (it doesn’t matter what website) whilst having bad thoughts or feelings, these thoughts and feelings could potently be transferred into the things I buy thus making them feel contaminated by the thoughts and feelings. If I were to keep the contaminated objects this could contaminate my diet and art. If I was to use these items on non-contaminated things they could also be contaminated. Or if I had thoughts whilst drawing it could contaminated the drawing. If you don’t understand think of it as if I were to keep these objects it would be a bad reminder for the rest of my life. Once you lose a certain amount of weight you are meant to keep it off. Now if I was dieting with these contaminated drawings, objects around me it could potently ruined my life for a few reasons. 1. Because I dieted with contaminated objects around therefore making my diet, weight loss contaminated leading to my life being ruined. 2. I could remember that I dieted whilst around contaminated objects therefore that could ruin my life as well. 3. If I search up an anime series or cartoon whilst dieting I could potently remember that. Then I may have to weigh myself and put on a pound and then redo losing that specific weight. For example let’s say I was 12st:10lb and search something on the internet up this could contaminated the weight I am at the moment, therefore I would have to gain a pound and then lose it again by not searching anything that could contaminate my things, diet etc. When I go to buy things online its okay if its things like; face products, washes etc. Because I know they won’t always last forever, but when it comes to things that you could keep forever like books, cards, paper etc. I have to not have any thoughts whilst buying these types of things because it could contaminate things and if I were to use them it could affected my life because I could maybe remember it in years to come. Basically another thing I do is connect unrelated events together and them connect them together. I was thinking of buying some art things on days I have searched something up, or whilst having thoughts and then without doing the ritual of getting a refund, keeping the items and let the anxiety be there. And dieting whilst exposing myself to things that cause anxiety like that anime series etc. Yesterday I received some parcels and they were my art things. It feels like if I where to look at the anime series it would contaminate my art stuff and if I kept it, it could contaminate and ruin my life. I have looked at series since my things arrived and they feel OK at the moment but that could change once I start using them. I know CBT and ERP would be the best ways to confront my beliefs but I can’t help believe that what I believe is going to happen. I’m anxious about if I try them out they could be true. Even if I did constantly confront them I could still believe those beliefs, what if the contamination feeling was gone but the OCD would still convince me their is some contamination on there. Right now I’m reading a book called ‘Overcoming Obsessive Compulsive Disorder,’ by David Veale and Rob Wilson. So far it seems to look promising, however again my OCD is getting in the way of actually buying this book. (Right now I have borrowed it from the library.) Because of when I read some of the book I had thoughts on certain words and stuff. But I’m not going to try and let that stop me. I have a few questions I would like to ask, if you can respond to them with the number that they are please. 11. Does CBT and ERP work for the OCD I have? 22. Sometimes I don’t feel like looking at this particular anime series. Even though I sometimes don’t feel like looking at it, should I still look at it for exposure or not? 3. If I constantly go against my OCD will my beliefs change? But won't I always feel anxious if I do this? That’s it so far I think, if you have read all of this I am grateful. I would appreciate all your responses and if you can relate to me please tell me! Also if you have any advice about my OCD please do tell. Also I’m seeing my doctor on the 14th of June. So I will tell her about this. Thank you for reading! J
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