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PAVLIS97

Bulletin Board User
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    106
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About PAVLIS97

  • Birthday November 10

Previous Fields

  • OCD Status
    Sufferer
  • Type of OCD
    HIV, Rabies

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Male
  • Location
    Spain

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  1. I know but after 2 days resisting, anxiety won and dragged me to the OCD side. Now I still fear having done something, I woke up with guilt. Talking to my therapist later, let's see how it goes.
  2. Hi there, I am back here scared and lonely, trying to get over this. Not gonna lie, it was the first time I actually feel suicidal because I am not able to determine wether a memory is actually real or not. But the I-did-a bad thing feeling persists. 2 days ago, my town held festivities that gather a lot of people together. They even set an amusement park for families. In the past, I have had POCD thoughts, false memories related to Pocd and stuff, but nothing like this. I was with a friend and her younger cousins and we decided to take them there to the amusement park. From the very first moment, I was vigilant about me getting attracted to teenagers. I am a 21 yo and I have never been attracted to kidsm, that's for sure. I simply recognize that when they grow up they will become beautiful bc of their features. By the time I was actualky going to leave and go back to my parent's location, I was at a moving store having some ice cream with my friend and some other people. It was crowded with kids, and I was already thinking that I might have intrusive thoughts of me having done sth sexual to a kid. I was about to leave when I saw a family leaning on a wall, just chilling. It was a little girl, a boy and a woman ( THE FIRST DAY I WAS SURE THAT THIS WAS IT). I didn't think much of it and left. As i was walking away, my mind would try to come up with a face of a kid and I only remembered the little girl's face (i am gay). From that point onwards, my anxiety escalated. I refused to ruminate at first but i was performing some mental compulsion involuntarily. At this point, I was feeling bad, I knew that if I could ask the mother I would be reassured, but i was feeling anxious. I went back home for some ERP, and it actually helped me a bit. My anxiety subsided but I still had this feeling of why am I even thinking about this this means I did sth. I didn't revist my memory, but an awful feeling would linger with me. I also started fearing that I would get arrested or that I got HIV since I have not had a sexual intercourse since 4 years ago (I have HIV Ocd) (those feelings made me feel guilty and that would lead me to my current obsession). In addition, I feared that it would become a new obsession of mine but I knew I had to perform the minimal amount of compulsions possible for it not to affect me). So I eventually calmed down and wrote down my memories at the time, that felt right. At the time, I barely had false memories, only images such as the girl with the boy and the older woman ( I guess it was her mother). I also looked up on google if something happened that day during the festivigies. The following day, I still had the feeling of anxiety around, but I could manage. I even thought that I completely went through it, cuz I was back to normal. I refused to perform compulsions cuz I knew they would make everything worse. Today, I was going to go back to the festivities and that gave me anxiety. My ocd seized the opportunity and gave me doubt about what happened. Eventually, I found myself panicky 2 days after cuz the feeling of guilt felt real. I almost believed entirely that I did that, despite not having evidences to prove it. The fact that my friend told me that she doesnt remember me leaving her side, or that I spent the past two days relatively fine are evidence of me never doing it. I had images of the event that I imagine in my mind and they made me more nervous. I had suicidal thoughts, I need to figure out wether I did something or not. Every time I try to move one, the feeling of guilt make me doubt again, like did i molest that girl? I am sorry for the mistakes but I just can't pull it together. I contemplated going to the hospital but I fear they may mistake me for a predator or sth. I feel like a monster, and not being able to shake it off makes me sick and my ocd last. I cannot even describe it with words. Note 1: I can't let go cuz it feels SO real. Note 2: Sometimes I doubt wether it is OCD or not. I feel relieved but then I go back to feeling like a monster that actually did something bad and is in denial (or was) Note 3: during the first two days I actually disregarded the feelings and labeled them as OCD
  3. Hi, long time no see! I don't know if any of you remember me from some posts in the past. They were all about my fear of diseases. Finally, around the end of january, i decided to seek out professional therapist. My therapist is specialised in OCD and ERP. She is so supportive and skillful. Unlike my former therapist, who only cared about money and did nothing but talk therapy. She is gradually making me expose mentally to my Pure O thoughts. From the 2nd session forward, I practise ERP. 12 minutes for each thought. I am worried I am not doing it right, as sometimes I get distracted and I can't keep focusing on the exposure. Recently, I realised that I don't actually fear the disease so much (HIV, for example), but what could happen to me after having sex. Last time I had sex in 2015, I didn't sleep for a month, barely ate and stuff. I was depressed, and all because of sex. I thought of commencing PreP to be extra sure that I never contract it, yet I feel like this is a compulsion and that I'll become infected no matter what I do to precent it. I accept the risk, it's just that I don't want my OCD to drag me into a spiral of anxiety. In short, I fear more the fear than having the thing that scares me. Same for rabies. I feel super frustrated because I've always loved to travel and, since I became obsessed with this disease, I've canceled trips and so on. For example, I want to go to USA, but there are way too many rabid animals there. I know I won't ever be able to handle the anxiety. If I walk down the streets and I see an animal, I panick, and many thought come to my mind "what if I was bitten or hurt?" I try to leave that kind of thoughts unanswered, but man, I react with fear. Automatically, I ruminate, but I am able to cut down compulsions as soon as I become aware that I'm having them. I could go on and on reflecting on the bad side of my recovery. However, I must say that I've improved a lot ever since I started in January. If you want to share your thoughts about OCD recovery, or if you feel related to my post, please leave a coment down below☺ Regards!
  4. To be honest, I don't know, I am resisting compulsions to test and stuff like that Did you know that I am starting treatment in 2 days?
  5. Another thought that made me cringe: After coming to terms with my latest obssesions, I actually got a random thought: what if i ever had condonless sex? Then I remembered this: In the past, I actually had a convo on grindr with a guy who was nearby. He was staying in a hotel and I mention having sex without a condom. I only said that to test the guy. He obviously refused and after a while we stopped chatting. We never met. Now I am getting thought like what if I went a through that? I know I did not do it since I forgot about it and have no recollection of it. It was only a random thought tbh but when dozing off, I get hit by thoughts like did i actually do it? I know I didn't, I haven't had sex since 2 years ago and if i had done it, i'd have always known it. I don't even know the date of the convo or anything like that.
  6. How come I can accept thoughts that are not pleasant For instance, my latest thought of having had sex without remembering and contacting HIV. If I am to accept it, then I'd have to test for it, which I won't
  7. Well today after being well for.most of the day I fell for one of the OCD tricks, who's being way too aggresive and went ovee thoughts of having had sex during today which is ridiculous considering i know i did not. Remember my first post? Well, I talked on a gay app to a guy who worked a few steps away where I had my hideous experience, and I panicked believing it was him who did it. I swear it was the first time I saw his face and everything... I am so tired of OCD... Another sleepless night and crappy day...
  8. Hi, Sorry to bother you but I decided I will post my thoughts in here in anything HIV related stuff. Basically, after getting better, recently I thought to myself that I might have asked for meds because I actually did something that I am actually not aware of. I've spent the entire day struggling that today I have not done anything wrong but a "exposure" stuck in my mind. This "exposure" was weak as hell and I told my cousing about it, about how stuck I was in "exposures" (those that I described above). This thought popped up when I was ok ready to sleep. Now I refuse to take meds to prove it wrong HAH! Which is an impossible exposure but whatever I am sick of OCD.
  9. Hi, My HIV OCD is rising again. Today I went out, and stayed with some friends. It was crowded, there was this seller passing by trying to get us to buy something. My friends were aware of my problems, so they persuaded him into leaving. I was getting anxious since I was staring a my phone, I did not want to look at anyone's face just in case that I got false memories of ppl having sex so I left after half an hour, my friends accompanied me and were real supportive. Back in my village, I kinda forgot about it and went on with my life. I was woriied about having sex but nly with other people. As soon as I got home, I realised that everything that I wrote dwn was gone (I write the details of everything). I could not sleep tonight cuz I started panicking and trying to figure out my problem on lost messages. At home I overthought about having sex with the seller, which I knw that I did not do but I can't shake the feeling. I am not way too worry cuz I trust my memories and I was fine when I got on the bus, but this messages thing made me panic.
  10. Hey, Don't feel guilty. Naturally we are attracted to other human beings besides our partner. I used to have a boyfriend and his brother looked appealing to me lol Don't confess cuz there's nothing wrong with it, just accept the fact that everyone can be attracted to several people:) The best Pablo
  11. I don't have the means to do it. It doesn't help either that I have my anus irritated (been having some sort of diarrhea lately) and I can't help but feel like this. My friends treat me like insane cuz they were only several meters away and didn't see hear anything at all
  12. Thanks for your reply, I really appreciate it? deep down i know it is my ocd since I got to rationalite with the thoughts and went to bed for a while, but know I am doubting whether I began to overthink since the very beginning or not, the feelings are mixed up, they do not correspond as they originally were(i was getting worried about catching the bus not hiv) until I typed everything... But honestly it's the same as rabies: I can't let go cuz that would be devastating for me to have gone thru that... Besides, rn I am imagening stuff that does not match with the memories that I wrote down one hour later
  13. You are right about this, I need to stop overthinking. I can't accept the worst fear since it involves me catching HIV or being raped which it is something I do not recall, I don't recall the three men faces nor the intercourse... Anything at all If I accept the fear the I'd go report this, i'd go get treatment against HIV, i'd tell my parents...
  14. I can't even provide you details of anything cuz this is just like hey what if this happened and then I freaked out, I have memories of everything after that but that is not part of it. I struggle so much about it i am so doomed.
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