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About PAVLIS97

  • Birthday November 10

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  • OCD Status
  • Type of OCD
    HIV, Rabies

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  1. Hi, long time no see! I don't know if any of you remember me from some posts in the past. They were all about my fear of diseases. Finally, around the end of january, i decided to seek out professional therapist. My therapist is specialised in OCD and ERP. She is so supportive and skillful. Unlike my former therapist, who only cared about money and did nothing but talk therapy. She is gradually making me expose mentally to my Pure O thoughts. From the 2nd session forward, I practise ERP. 12 minutes for each thought. I am worried I am not doing it right, as sometimes I get distracted and I can't keep focusing on the exposure. Recently, I realised that I don't actually fear the disease so much (HIV, for example), but what could happen to me after having sex. Last time I had sex in 2015, I didn't sleep for a month, barely ate and stuff. I was depressed, and all because of sex. I thought of commencing PreP to be extra sure that I never contract it, yet I feel like this is a compulsion and that I'll become infected no matter what I do to precent it. I accept the risk, it's just that I don't want my OCD to drag me into a spiral of anxiety. In short, I fear more the fear than having the thing that scares me. Same for rabies. I feel super frustrated because I've always loved to travel and, since I became obsessed with this disease, I've canceled trips and so on. For example, I want to go to USA, but there are way too many rabid animals there. I know I won't ever be able to handle the anxiety. If I walk down the streets and I see an animal, I panick, and many thought come to my mind "what if I was bitten or hurt?" I try to leave that kind of thoughts unanswered, but man, I react with fear. Automatically, I ruminate, but I am able to cut down compulsions as soon as I become aware that I'm having them. I could go on and on reflecting on the bad side of my recovery. However, I must say that I've improved a lot ever since I started in January. If you want to share your thoughts about OCD recovery, or if you feel related to my post, please leave a coment down below☺ Regards!
  2. To be honest, I don't know, I am resisting compulsions to test and stuff like that Did you know that I am starting treatment in 2 days?
  3. Another thought that made me cringe: After coming to terms with my latest obssesions, I actually got a random thought: what if i ever had condonless sex? Then I remembered this: In the past, I actually had a convo on grindr with a guy who was nearby. He was staying in a hotel and I mention having sex without a condom. I only said that to test the guy. He obviously refused and after a while we stopped chatting. We never met. Now I am getting thought like what if I went a through that? I know I did not do it since I forgot about it and have no recollection of it. It was only a random thought tbh but when dozing off, I get hit by thoughts like did i actually do it? I know I didn't, I haven't had sex since 2 years ago and if i had done it, i'd have always known it. I don't even know the date of the convo or anything like that.
  4. How come I can accept thoughts that are not pleasant For instance, my latest thought of having had sex without remembering and contacting HIV. If I am to accept it, then I'd have to test for it, which I won't
  5. Well today after being well for.most of the day I fell for one of the OCD tricks, who's being way too aggresive and went ovee thoughts of having had sex during today which is ridiculous considering i know i did not. Remember my first post? Well, I talked on a gay app to a guy who worked a few steps away where I had my hideous experience, and I panicked believing it was him who did it. I swear it was the first time I saw his face and everything... I am so tired of OCD... Another sleepless night and crappy day...
  6. Hi, Sorry to bother you but I decided I will post my thoughts in here in anything HIV related stuff. Basically, after getting better, recently I thought to myself that I might have asked for meds because I actually did something that I am actually not aware of. I've spent the entire day struggling that today I have not done anything wrong but a "exposure" stuck in my mind. This "exposure" was weak as hell and I told my cousing about it, about how stuck I was in "exposures" (those that I described above). This thought popped up when I was ok ready to sleep. Now I refuse to take meds to prove it wrong HAH! Which is an impossible exposure but whatever I am sick of OCD.
  7. Hi, My HIV OCD is rising again. Today I went out, and stayed with some friends. It was crowded, there was this seller passing by trying to get us to buy something. My friends were aware of my problems, so they persuaded him into leaving. I was getting anxious since I was staring a my phone, I did not want to look at anyone's face just in case that I got false memories of ppl having sex so I left after half an hour, my friends accompanied me and were real supportive. Back in my village, I kinda forgot about it and went on with my life. I was woriied about having sex but nly with other people. As soon as I got home, I realised that everything that I wrote dwn was gone (I write the details of everything). I could not sleep tonight cuz I started panicking and trying to figure out my problem on lost messages. At home I overthought about having sex with the seller, which I knw that I did not do but I can't shake the feeling. I am not way too worry cuz I trust my memories and I was fine when I got on the bus, but this messages thing made me panic.
  8. Hey, Don't feel guilty. Naturally we are attracted to other human beings besides our partner. I used to have a boyfriend and his brother looked appealing to me lol Don't confess cuz there's nothing wrong with it, just accept the fact that everyone can be attracted to several people:) The best Pablo
  9. I don't have the means to do it. It doesn't help either that I have my anus irritated (been having some sort of diarrhea lately) and I can't help but feel like this. My friends treat me like insane cuz they were only several meters away and didn't see hear anything at all
  10. Thanks for your reply, I really appreciate it? deep down i know it is my ocd since I got to rationalite with the thoughts and went to bed for a while, but know I am doubting whether I began to overthink since the very beginning or not, the feelings are mixed up, they do not correspond as they originally were(i was getting worried about catching the bus not hiv) until I typed everything... But honestly it's the same as rabies: I can't let go cuz that would be devastating for me to have gone thru that... Besides, rn I am imagening stuff that does not match with the memories that I wrote down one hour later
  11. You are right about this, I need to stop overthinking. I can't accept the worst fear since it involves me catching HIV or being raped which it is something I do not recall, I don't recall the three men faces nor the intercourse... Anything at all If I accept the fear the I'd go report this, i'd go get treatment against HIV, i'd tell my parents...
  12. I can't even provide you details of anything cuz this is just like hey what if this happened and then I freaked out, I have memories of everything after that but that is not part of it. I struggle so much about it i am so doomed.
  13. Hi, Lemme tell you my story real quick. After tiredlessly obsses over rabies, I partied at my town's fair. I went to the bathroom to pee and when I was finishing there were 3 guys waiting for me to come out. As soon as I came out, I walked sttaight towards some friends and went to dance. We needed to take the bus so we rushed out. I remember getting an intrusive thought about a thing and dance with my friends without worries, then I stuck for a while and my friends decided to leave, so did I. They accompained me for a while and that's it. Then I went on my own and began overthinking about it. Now I am shaking cuz I am a little drunk and I feel miserable for having these thoughts like why do I have them? Did I have sex with them? I have no memories of their faces but one, and if that had been the case I would have known straightaway, HIV is one of my biggeat obsessions ansbut then I think that I may have been in denial all along when I went out I remember walking with my friends calmly and thinking about my rabiea obsession why do I get these thoughts? I took off at 3:13 and when i went out of the bathroom was at 3:08 I'm sorry if this does not make a lot of sense to you but I am literally shaking and need some confort
  14. Okay so now I am struggling with another event. 1 hour ago I was showering and the heater went off. I went to my kitchen and turned it back on and when I turned I saw the window kinda open, so I closed it to maximum and looked behind me. Fearing that I might start obssesing over it, i hurried back to the bathroom, grabbed my phone and wrote down that I didn't see or feel anything. Then I started imagining stuff but I try to remain calm like if a bat came into the kitchen it would probably be trapped. I checked my kitchen but there was nothing at all. I figure that if a bat bit me, I've have known it straightaway and I wouldn't be posting in here or I would have known where it was from rhe bery beginning. Then I fear being in denial or something like that, well I'll move on from this eventually.
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