JennieWren

Let's pretend I had written your last post and I was asking YOU for advice. What would you tell me to do? You see I get the impression that if it was the other way round you would have some good advice. So go on, let's pretend. What would you tell me to do?

So you say you don't deserve to get better because of the 'horrible things' you think you've done but is there is another, deeper reason? When you are in a space you feel safe, and if it's not traumatic for you, maybe consider if you are using your OCD as a way of avoiding core beliefs you have about yourself that maybe you find painful to address directly. For example, I believe I don't deserve to get better either. I used to label myself lots of terrible things as reasons for this. I used my OCD like an excuse. But through therapy I came to see that really it is rooted in my mums breakdown when I was young and my older sister's chronic poor health, both of which I took responsibility for. There is even more to it than that. But I won't go on! talking through these things with a therapist hasn't cured my OCD, as it's not the right method, but it has made recovery more possible.

Im so sorry GBG for your distressing relapse. I think another positive thing to come out of this though, could be how your partner engages with your OCD. I have no idea how she reacts to all of this, so stop me if I'm wrong. But you say that she did eventually 'confess' to you in return when you begged her too. When I get into 'confessional' mode, my husband knows to give me a big hug, and say " this is your OCD so I'm not going to discuss it." Sometimes he has to say that a lot of times! And the hug is key. It's not to reassure me but to comfort me that im not alone. Of course all this is up to you both but could there be more/different structures or methods that you could work on together? ignore me if this is not helpful. Obviously I don't know you at all.

Of course you can't stop your compulsions all at once. That's like trying to catch a storm in a bucket. ? but little by little you can do it.

I think you are looking for reassurance that what you did was forgivable. And of course it is. It was a small act in the scheme of things. But I do think you do need to take responsibility for it. Not by labelling yourself incorrectly as a monster, but by owning up to the fact you crossed a boundary, you followed through on an impulse. And your sister would be disturbed if she knew. Which is the truth. Familial boundaries are there for many reasons. They are there to keep everyone happy safe and well. And that includes YOU. By crossing this boundary, you are the one who has been terribly hurt. Not your sister actually. I don't think you should talk to your family about it. But if you are feeling very low please see a councillor. Does anyone on the forum know of a mental health helpline that Claniker could call out find out what support he might need?

I did a lot of meditation at one time and it was good because it reveals a lot of what's going on, but it can also be quite distressing for the same reason. The idea is you sit with difficult feelings and let them go, but I had no hope of that. There are different kinds of meditation though, I'm talking about sitting and focusing on the breath in the former paragraph. There is also doing things mindfully. One fun thing is where you pick an activity and do it slowly, exaggerating the components of it. For instance making a cup of tea. You don't talk or think, you just explore the reality of the now: making a cup of tea is like THIS... it's a way of exploring the present moment and what's really happening in the world. Going for a walk can be done in the same way, concentrating on the soles of the feet. but the best practice ever is loving kindness or metta practice in Buddhist terms. I think they should teach it at school. I used it giving birth as a way of self soothing and it helped me manage a lot of physical pain. I think I'm saying the same thing as Taurean here. So finding a loving kindness practice for yourself is the way to go in my opinion. Then if scary things come up, you will be about support yourself through them using your kindness. Easier said than done, especially in my case as you may have gathered from my previous posts ??

This is all very helpful and reassuring. Thank you

I hope I didn't come across too rough. I wish the best for you in this dark time. I believe things can improve for you. But you can't magically make that happen. So keep reaching out.

I think I'm just scared of giving up all my compulsions. They're all I've known for so long. Without them all there will be is ME and that feels difficult to face. Sigh. Thanks for all your helpful words.

I am committed to treatment I am in treatment. Maybe you should read the original thread. But Mental illness and what that means to me is complicated. And why wouldn't it be? Even the word illness is very black and white in my eyes. But I admit, It seems almost impossible to talk about these shades of grey in this setting because I am not known to anyone here. I can only be misconstrued or misunderstood. The medium itself lends itself to confusion. I think my point is I can be many things at once, feel many things at once and still be committed to treatment. I can feel the pressure is too much, and just want some unconditional acceptance from the world - and be committed to treatment. I can want to just shake it all off, and still be committed to treatment. Life is not black and white, which is why I was simply looking for a different kind of take on it all. I also think the last comment was a bit harsh. Your immediate suggestion that I might lose my husband and eventually my children should they need to protect their own wellbeing was a big jump. And a scary thing to say to a vulnerable person who is trying their best but searching for acceptance from the world. I thought this forum might be able to support me a bit through these shades of grey but I think it's a bit of a big ask from a forum setting. But even so, I wish you well OceanDweller thanks for your reply. I would be interested to hear how you view OCD and how it interlinked into your other personality traits. Do you feel any positives have come out of having OCD and how do you deal with your 'successes' and times of difficulty?

Maybe think about it a different way. All you need to do this week is the homework the therapist set you. That's it, nothing more.

I do really agree with PolarBear. Just keep doing the homework your therapist set you. There is no miracle cure for anyone on this site. None of us is different to another. We are equals in this illness. Yes I am much better but only because I did the work if that makes sense. Good luck and lots of hugs. That's all from me.

i agree that reassurance is not the answer. However this needs to be denied in a loving kind way in my opinion. Otherwise the seeker will flip into another negative emotion in response. There are a lot of very vulnerable people on this site all seeking something. Myself included. It's hard to know what to say. But equally hard to say nothing. I have recently signed up as I need a support group that understands. But I feel a little out of my depth to be honest.

More than that - I think I can accept I have OCD but can everyone else? It feels like the only option is that I get better and if not....

I only say this because I do have very similar obsessions. I remember phoning my sister once to check whether I'd sexually abused her as a kid. She laughed as I recall. But I didn't ? I too have physical symptoms of OCD. For a while I had urges to sexually abuse my own babies. I now know these urges have a name - postnatal OCD. However at the time this was incredibly incredibly incredibly traumatic especially as my hands seem to move on their own towards inappropriate touching. I never did it but I felt I came close. I also had a physical turned on feeling in reaction to these thoughts. Which was devastating. So I understand. You can imagine the amount of testing of myself I did and what a guilty secret it was for so long. Your words sound very similar to some of my own. When I did come clean to my therapist about all of it, she didn't seem at all concerned by my physical 'urges'. She said it was just part of my illness. And not to worry! I never knew OCD could display in this way. I thought by feeling 'turned on' it was proof I was a monster. But I'm not a monster. I am a kick-ass awesome mother, who is not afraid to cuddle and bathe with her babies anymore. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Lilly is there a family member/friend/professional you can talk to this morning, who understands your obsessions without judging or worrying? You sound overwhelmed and it sounds like you need some extra support or help. Not for reassurance that you aren't a monster but because they need to know and you need them to know. For example, my husband knows all my triggers and current obsessions and he knows not to get into a discussion with my inner monologue! But it's really important that this obsession you have is brought into daylight. And that you have a real person who can support you in stopping your compulsions. Big hugs.

Soooo... I'm newly diagnosed but I've had OCD most of my life I think and I'm 37. It all came to a head when I had my kids and got postnatal OCD. I Have thought and obsessed about so many many topics. I am now starting psychotherapy. I feel I need a new way of looking at this illness. Particularly because this 'illness' is also who I AM. Yes, OCD is devastating and relentless. But it's more than that too. Because I am mixed up in it all. This continual 'trying to be fixed' is full of negative connotations. And trying to imagine a day when I am fixed and don't have OCD is just full of pressure. im so tired of hiding my OCD from others. Trying to minimise it. Because in the process I am minimising myself and all the other qualities that make me the crazy character I am. They hold hands, if that makes sense. Thoughts please?

I am new to this forum and newly diagnosed but I can identify with your obsessions, they are similar to mine. And like you, I too feel/have felt shame in my compulsions and felt like I was letting people down. I was a bit shocked to be honest by some posts on a previous thread suggesting you are not doing your best in some way or not engaging in your therapy properly. Of course you are going to fail some days. You have OCD and you sound poorly. Congratulate yourself on the small victories and really really try to give yourself some love. You are working really hard just to stay afloat I'm guessing, under such tirades. Maybe give yourself some credit for that? And if you are, ignore me. I'm an OCD forum newbie.