Thiswontlast

Hi Cora, I just wanted to offer some support. You can read some elements of my story within my previous post history. I suffer from a sexual variation of OCD like yourself only mine is concerning sexuality. I've currently had a relapse and I am struggling to fight back but i'm trying my hardest. I just want to say from experience I disagree completely with your therapist saying that on some level you should know these sensations are not true. Everything you have described such as arousal and the way it feels real etc etc. I've had all the exact same symptoms, been convinced it is real as clear as the sky is blue and not been able to see the wood for the trees that it is OCD but that is the nature of the beast. If it didn't feel real and you weren't convinced it was real why would you be worried about it? You'd just shrug it off. There would be no issue. If nobodies OCD convinced them that what they were feeling was 100 per cent real and made them feel completely confused and not knowing which way was up or down then OCD wouldn't be an issue for anyone. I can only speak from what has worked for me and believe me I have been through hell and back with OCD and there were some dark times where I was convinced I had 100% turned gay, I couldn't even explain why. I just felt like I had. I was certain. Eventually I was so exhausted and loosing the will to live that I had no other options left than to just start to treat it as OCD. You won't believe it is OCD at first, you will feel its disingenuous, that you are lying to yourself, that its all pointless because you're going to end up turning into what you believe you have hidden deep down inside you, but it takes a leap of faith. You have to treat it as OCD despite not believing it and fake it to you make it and expose yourself to the idea that it is pointless and you are just lying to yourself. The only times I have ever recovered from my OCD symptons and regained a happy life (despite feeling at the time it would never be possible again) is when I follow the following steps: Stop going on all OCD forums and reading anything and everything to do with OCD and your symptons. If you are anything like myself your compulsions are mainly in your head and consist of endless ruminations and dwelling on the thoughts. I log onto forums to try and alleviate the feeling of discomfort and anxiety and convince myself I have OCD, or I re-read the same online articles about various subtypes of OCD and their symptons to try and reassure myself that it is all just OCD - this is reassurance and is keeping you in a stuck in a loop. When you stop looking at forums and reading you will feel an overwhelming urge, you will feel horrendous, you will feel like you are going through hell and you can't cope but you have to hang on and stick with the programme and be patient because I PROMISE you. Those feelings and the power they have over you do diminish. Every time you get a thought/feeling/urge or anything even remotely associated with your theme no matter how vague just label it as OCD and move on. Don't push it away and try and escape it quickly and panic about panicking. Just thinking 'oh theres an ocd thought, i know you are there and i know i'm scared of you but i'm not going to pay you any attention'. Sometimes it helps me to imagine the thought/feeling/urge sensation as almost like junk mail and treat it similarly. As in, I read it and observe it but then screw it up and throw it over my shoulder. This isn't easy and you're going to probably get secondary thoughts or third waves of thoughts that say in your head 'you're only avoiding this because you can't face the truth and are in denial' - again treat this secondary thought or doubt as another OCD thought, screw it up and throw it away and try and go about your day as normally as you can. Don't perform any checking compulsions. Sometimes it is confusing to understand that you are actually doing a checking compulsion. E.g. for example with myself, and I think also the case with others, people who have sexual themed OCD's really struggle with what it means to 'accept' a thought. When I heard 'accept' I used to always think to myself, right ok i'm going to really expose myself and imagine myself doing something sexual with a guy and try and get turned on by it, so I can finally just accept whatever happens will happen. This was flawed thinking and essentially me giving into an elaborate compulsion as the only reason I wanted to do that was to try and rid myself of and escape the doubt and unsettling feeling within me. What accepting a thought means is you literally do nothing. You give up trying to find an answer. That is your exposure and then you then prevent responding to how uncomfortable that makes you feel by not then going on forums to try and gain reassurance or trying to figure anything out in your head. You accept that 'ok maybe I could get aroused by those things, but i'm not going to do anything to disprove or prove if I can or not' e.g. you give up trying to do anything to prove or disprove your theme. I always find it helpful as well when going through a flare up of my OCD to just put anything to do with sexuality on the back burner for a bit. Not avoid it, but essentially give up the search for an answer as to what I am, or what to label myself. Now this probably seems counter intuitive as you will feel how can you ever get through life without ever knowing or feeling uncertain as to what you really are deep down, when all your life you've felt like you've known before etc etc. But trust me, put it on the back burner, follow the steps and eventually you will get to the point where you wake up one day and you realise you aren't thinking about it and behaving naturally and your old self comes back and it suddenly becomes clear. Another few points to add and I don't know if its the same for you as everyone differs but my OCD is always worse in the morning. Like horrendously bad. So sometimes i'll have a bad morning and by night time the worries are still there but i'm not engaging with them as much and I almost semi feel my normal self, only to go back to sleep and start the cycle all over again. If this is the case with you, don't worry just stick with the plan and slowly but surely it will ease up! Cora you can 100% do this and get over this and regain your life but it will be a difficult and uncomfortable road to get there. You will suffer but you have to suffer through it and keep following the plan even when it feels like it is all pointless and you are just lying to yourself. Just keep on. I won't be replying any further but please don't take it the wrong way. It's because I myself should be avoiding logging on or accessing the forums as for me personally they only provide me with temporary reassurance and exasperate and prolong my OCD in the long run as they become almost a crutch and part of my reassurance compulsions. It's ok to come on here to ask for advice but you've now got the advice and need to try your hardest to apply it! You can do this! J

I forgot to mention, i can't say why i feel or think i may be gay no straight. I just feel it and it feels certain. Like for instance at the moment im trying to just get on with my day but i know the feeling is there so what i do is say to myself 'ok i dont care about that' and try to concentrate on something else which is incredibly hard and I just end up feeling depressed and hopeless. Almost akin like getting through the day is like swimming through treacle and i just feel like rubbish. I guess fact of the matter is i do care, i am scared about the feeling and what it means because it feels so real and i feel its inevitable i am going to eventually discover i am gay. Even when I feel calmer in the evenings and it isnt bothering as much i know its there and I could easily worry about it if i let myself. Do i just have to tell myself and pretend i dont care even though this feels like i am being disingenuous with myself and eventually i will start to feel there is no grasp. I feel so confused atm with what is a compulsion and whether or not i am labelling them correctly and doing the right thing. Like can't tell if me forcing myself to stop worrying and ruminating about this feeling would be thought stopping or?

Hi all, I've not really posted on here much other than a couple of years ago for which Polarbear offered me some sound advice. I was able to implement this and eventually gain some form of control over my OCD regarding sexuality and felt like life was worth living again. In the last 4 weeks i've noticed that my OCD doubts have come back with a vengeance and i'm feeling so depressed and confused and just want to stay in bed all day. I'm trying to tackle what I've learnt in the past and stick with it but as you can imagine i'm forever getting the 'feeling' that this time it is different and really my denial from being gay finally coming to the surface. I have a question specifically regarding how to successfully combat the hopelessness and feeling that 'this isn't ocd' and the feeling of 'being gay' and this being real. At the moment my OCD feels so real, i can't explain what this feeling is and I know it sounds nonsensical but I just feel certain i'm gay and this isn't ocd. Almost as certain as I 8 fingers and 2 thumbs. Does anyone else feel this way? I notice that I really tend to dwell on this feeling and it depresses me and makes me just want to go to sleep to escape. I guess my question is, would me dwelling on this feeling and essentially feeling down and horrendous about it be considered rumination and something I need to cut out? If so, is it a case of just thinking 'oh theres that feeling again, i'm going to ignore you' and trying to press ahead with my day despite feeling horrendous. I normally then get secondary thoughts that say 'you can pretend you aren't bothered by this all you want and pretend it isn't real but you know it is' again would I label this as nothing more than another intrusive thought and ignore that and go about my day. I guess my main difficulty is as with all ocd'ers feeling like i'm just trying to ignore it is all in vein and denial. Do I just have to pretend that it doesn't bother me even though I know deep down it does and i don't really think its OCD - eventually will I start to believe it is? Any advice would be appreciated, I can't afford to let myself slip any further. Thanks

Thanks Polarbear. I need to make ‘fake it til i make it’ my ethos and take a leap of faith and trust others around me that it is ocd even though I feel its not. Time to have another crack at this. I’ve done it once before I can do it again.

Is it a case of still following the plan even if it feels disingenuous and i feel like its all hopeless and a lie? I’ll admit im very black and white/factual/cynical person which is probably why i struggle with this and i just cant see how i can discount an arousal that feels real. The only thing i know is that pre this all kicking off again i didnt pay anything like that any mind - thats if the arousals were there. I just knew i was straight.

I also really struggle with believing it really is Ocd. I know this is typical but i struggle to understand how you can move forward if everytime i let the thoughts be there i just have doubts as to whether im just lying to myself. The same goes for arousals, they feel real and i understand a common ocd symptom but i just cant fully believe mine are false and move past them. how do people move forward without fully knowing/believing when they really think and feel their thoughts are true?

Hi Polar bear, or anyone else who can give their two cents. I know i said i wouldnt be back and feel like a bit of a failure posting again but again just need a bit of help keeping on the path. I am trying so hard to not ruminate but it makes me feel absolutely horrendous. Like i dont think i feel any anxiety but just feel so down, depressed, hopeless and feel ‘gay’ and this is lasting day in day out. Is this a normal response to stopping compulsions and ERP? Should i still stick with it and suffer through the depression and doubts?

Polarbear thank you. I have watched your youtube video and will implement the steps going forward. Its funny, i know what to do and managed to be free of this theme for over 7 years 2008-2015 but i always doubt im doing the right thing and this time is ‘different’ thus is the nature of the beast. I’m going to leave this forum now whilst i start the long road to recovery as i find i slip into using it as reassurance and a compulsion, comparing myself to other peoples symptoms and reading the same posts over and over again. Again, id like to thank each and everyone one of you who has unknowingly helped me survive so far from the advice they’ve given on historic posts that i have relentlessly and compulsively trawled through the last three years; Caramoole, polarbear, legend etc. Christmas 2016 i was suicidal and in a dark place and lurking this forum really helped me. I just really need to knuckle down now and apply everything i have learn and don’t give up hope. Fake it until I make it. Good luck to everyone else here, i hope to return at some point in the future an ex-sufferer and offer some words of encouragement. J

Thanks Polarbear, sometimes i really struggle to identify if i am ruminating or not as it seems so automatic and i maybe dont realise i am doing it. Are there any tips you have to try and work at stopping the ruminating? How do i also treat the feelings that scare me so much? Eg the feeling of real arousal or attraction sometimes. Do i just chalk it up to ‘oh there is my OCD again’ and move on?

Anyone? I also want to know and need some guidance re the mornings. I know most peoples ocd is a lot worse in the mornings due to high levels of cortisol etc but i really struggle. I just dont know how to combat the feeling of certainty that i definitely am gay/bisexual. The feeling at the time is as certain as the sky is blue and this is what usually trips me up and i turn into a panicking mess. How do you ignore something that feels so real/you feel so certain of but can’t say why. If i try to ignore it it feels like denial and horrible.

Sorry title should read ‘trying to beat this’

Hi all, This is my first post here. I’ve been a lurker for about 3 years now. Finally posting because I need a little guidance and i’m 30 next year and need to gain some control. Here is my story... When i was younger had many issues that i know look back and realise were probably OCD; fear of dying - constantly on my mind at age 6 for what like seemed an eternity everything reminded me of death. Stopped when my Grandad said he made a wish and said we would live forever (i believed him) and the thoughts went. HOCD (i know its all OCD but using acronym for ease) has been my main reocurring theme throughout the years. I believe i first experienced this when I was 12. I felt love towards my best friend and confused this for actual love and attraction. It floored me, panic set in I remember crying and telling my Mum I thought I was gay and felt gay. She told me it was normal to love your friends and care for them. Eventually the worry dissipated and life returned to normal - back to lusting/chasing after girls etc. All until age 18. I remember watching a documentary on Prisons in the USA, an inmate was describing a male on male rape and I felt a slitch tinge of arousal. My world instantly came crashing down, i was a mess. I dropped out of college 3 months off completing and could barely get out of bed. I was certain I was gay until i google searched ‘panicking that i’m gay’ and discovered the neurotic planet website. Realised I met all the symptons of OCD and it clicked. Again my Mum really supported me and I cant really remember what happened but after a year or so I went back to college and slowly but surely it dissappeared. I met a girl in college had a long 4 year relationship and it never really crossed my mind and if it did i would bat it away. In May 2015 i was holidaying in Italy with my current girlfriend. We went on a tour and the tour guide was a good looking guy, but very camp. A thought and feeling of attraction towards him flashed and instantly the sense of dread and panic returned and i’ve had this ever since. I’ve been to two psychologists one here and one over skype at Phillipsons OCD Clinic in NY but no longer in therapy as i just couldnt afford it and felt like i know what i need to do and felt like i was using the therapy as a reassurance. Both said they believed I have OCD. I’ve been on 100mg of sertraline since last May which has helped in the sense i no longer feel in a dream like depersonalised state. I’m 28 now and really want to try and kick this to the kerb but there is a few things i really struggle with and would just like some guidance/advice: 1. I sometimes feel an urge to masturbate to the thoughts and an incredible about of built up sexual tension. This tension feels very real and and its completely the same as how i get aroused when it comes to females only without the shear panic. I know about the groinal response and used to spend hours googling ‘how to tell if fake or real arousal’ but now have accepted i’ll never know and try not to do this now i understand this is testing/checking: But as of lately have noticed that when i do masturbate to straight porn when I have this feeling of sexual tension and I feel horny etc the urges/thoughts immediately after lessen and/or dissipate. I have got it in my head this is because I am only gay and want men when i’m horny and these dissappear because i’ve had a release and im struggling how to combat that ideology. Do I need to stop masturbating all together for a while? As could I be masturbating to relieve the sexual tension caused by the intrusive thoughts thus strengthening the cycle? 2. I read many things and am well aware of the concept of sitting with the thoughts and letting the anxiety be there but many people/articles say your anxiety level should dissapate after an hour. Sometimes however, my anxiety levels when doing this and holding off (say a compulsion to research on the internet or read forum posts For reassurance) seem to stay high all day and I sometimes this causes me to give in as I feel like maybe it isnt OCD and the anxiety levels shouldnt last that long. Thank you for any advice in advance J