Terriblethoughts

Hello all, it’s been a while. I’m still stuck. Not convinced it’s just ocd at this point. My question is if it isn’t just ocd and is at the very least somewhat real, then is it morally alright for me to try my best to ignore or stop it but still do the stuff I used to anyways? Please give me an honest answer to this. Or do I need to avoid all contact with my mother, dog and brother. I worry I am going sexually enjoy coming into contact with them or touching something they have touched and getting their cells etc on me. This causes me to wash my hands way to much. Maybe it sounds crazy but if it’s real and I enjoy it how wrong is that. What if touch the toilet which their genitals may have touched and enjoyed that? Thanks.

Thanks everyone. I’m not on any meds or seeing a therapist. I was planning to but I put it off and then got too scared it wasn’t ocd. Would rather end it if not. I worry meds would just make me not fear this awful stuff anymore, in a bad way. I realize it’s all probably irrational but there’s a chance. Yeah definitely tired of the hamster wheel. I realize what I need to do to get better but I feel if I ignore completely then I’m allowing this bad stuff. Funny how the contamination worries I used to have don’t bother me much now. They’re nothing compared to this. This same obsession is starting about my mother now. I had a purposeful thought that might not have even been just testing and I feel awful now. More thinking has actually somewhat helped me today with the brother obsession, I’ve come up with reasons when calm this morning but if I don’t keep it in my mind then I worry I’ll forget and the awful things will still happen bc I won’t be keeping it in mind.

Snowbear, I get why you stopped reading but if there’s any posts proving it’s not ocd it’s this one. There’s certain things ocd sufferers don’t doubt that I do. I can’t sleep. I’m at the point where I’m telling myself I’ll off myself if I allow this which would hurt him therefore making it wrong so I can stop this. I pretty damn sure without ocd I never would even have considered this but here I am.

Thank you Amanda and Snowbear, really appreciate it. I did get over the last obsession but this is worse. The last one I’d have some peace after cleaning, now it’s nearly every waking moment and more real. I hate myself, I’ve found more evidence it’s not ocd. You’ll see later on. I was doing ok in the morning ignoring mostly. But later on I was obsessing again because even though it usually feels awful when I test mentally and I think I don’t want to do anything and am not attracted to him, my ocd (hopefully) can make a thought seem like I do. Then I think it should be enough that I don’t want to do it but there’s small doubt about that and then worse there’s doubt that I think it’s even wrong because technically it wouldn’t hurt him. Even though I feel awful. I keep trying to convince my self I don’t think it’s ok, bc he’s my brother and that relationship is not sexual and he trusts that his brother isn’t doing that. But while having these doubts, at dinner time I looked at him or up at least knowing I would probably see him while doubting or maybe even believing that it’s ok or I want to. I might have been saying to ignore though so that might have been why. Sometimes I’m half way in between ignoring and fighting thoughts. But assume the worst. Basically I need to find a way to think of why it’s really really wrong. It certainly feels awful, but then people say “if it doesn’t hurt anyone it’s ok.” So I obsess over this and it makes me worry I’m going to do it because of this and/or that my ocd can put a thought that seems like I enjoy it even though I don’t think I do and it feels awful. Because of the thing at dinner I nearly punched myself calling myself a sick ******* and crying feeling I’ve done something evil to my brother. This is the evidence though on why it’s not ocd. An ocd suffer doesn’t question why it’s wrong or doubt that in any way right? I must have ocd and another illness limiting my ability to clearly see right and wrong. Pedophilia maybe, I’ve heard even the non offenders can convince themselves it’s alright. Even if it is the ocd causing the doubt, the fact it’s there makes me think I should be nowhere near him or any kids. This doubt combined with doubt that I want it I feel could lead to me looking at him or doing a movement for sick reasons. Or just me acting on an impulse because of these doubts and that I’ll technically physically enjoy the act of whatever it is. Or mentally if my mind makes a thought seem like I like it. Since it technically doesn’t hurt them it’s going to slip by my brain’s filter. Maybe it already has with the above and thoughts I get when I’m not super focused on saying no to it and blocking it. It literally feels like I want to think it sometimes and I have keep saying no and fighting it out. How can it just be a thought if it feels real. I just had a thought imagining my brother saying it’s alright to me to fantasize about him, I remember he was being nice once and said it’s alright to me about something else random (not this, not sick) and I connected that memory to this, I fought it immediately and said that’s not even him, it’s wrong, and if he did say that he’s only a kid and he’d just be trying to save me from pain. But maybe for a second I stopped fighting not to allow it just because I had to take a breath but in doing so allowed it for a second or two. Or maybe I just allowed it. Then I started testing well what if him from the future as an adult said it’s ok do it about him as a kid how would I feel then? And I felt like I allowed the thought for a couple seconds or enjoyed it idk which. I think it felt I was at first or could until it felt terrible. I wasn’t trying to enjoy it and tried not to but I guess it’s too hard to keep it in mind not to when you thinking of it. I was only trying to figure this out to find out who I am but if for a couple seconds it seemed like I might like the idea then wtf. Or maybe I enjoyed it idk can’t remember properly. What am I supposed to do now if I’ve enjoyed it and it wasn’t ocd, I feel awful. I think this all proves I’m not just ocd. I guess people can have ocd and be sick. I wish I could just go with that it feels wrong and awful but I can’t. No doubts about it being wrong or not can exist. Please tell me why exactly it’s wrong bc I keep arguing why it is and then I find a way to say it’s not. “Technically it wouldn’t hurt them”. Over and over I imagine as if I’d done it and I feel terrible but it’s not enough.

The in-line responses were very helpful thank you. Sorry for posting again, I’m trying to understand all of this and just feel so guilty and awful. Feel free not to respond, as another poster said I’m aware people have there own things to be doing. I’ve been trying to ignore but I cannot get over the worry of me anxiously or impulsively moving my legs (which would move my groin) to the thought of my brother, either without thinking about it or worse on purpose because I keep worrying and trying not to. Or that if I ignore it then I’ll end up doing it because I won’t be paying attention. Or I’ll be ignoring but anxiety still there which will make me do it bc I won’t be on guard when ignoring. Or when I believe that it’s just ocd and am calm I’ll just do it probably without thinking. Honestly it may already have happened, it wasn’t like I planned it out but a couple times my leg may have moved very slightly with the thought in my head. And once I was feeling sorry for myself and I think I maybe moved it slightly. But not really really on purpose because I was imagining the me feeling sorry for myself in my mind and doing it but kind of not at the same time if that makes any sense. To be safe assume I felt bad for myself and then moved it anyways slightly with that thought of doing it on purpose to my brother. I know you said thoughts and movements etc have no meaning, but I can’t see how if I think I’m going to move my leg to the thought of my brother or for a sick reason or pleasure then do it, how can it still be ocd? I think I’ve lost control and of my body and mind somewhat. I know I’m not going to walk over and do something sick but this stuff feels impossible to control. I think I may have done it on purpose now too, after writing the above out I was thinking maybe even if I did this it’s still ocd as it’s not me really trying to do it or actively think it. So then it feels like I am actively purposely trying to. I moved my legs away but every time I stopped it felt like I was doing it. Or maybe I was slightly moving it the other way. Again to be safe, let’s assume I slightly moved them on purpose to that thought bc I might have. Even if it’s ocd causing this I can’t see me doing a physical movement on purpose for disgusting reasons can be ignored. My mind was wandering and had the thought that I was a pedo and I can’t control the way I feel and I was focused on a slight groinal feeling from sitting down thinking I can’t help but enjoy it. So basically for some seconds I agreed that I was a p and accepted or allowed the groin feeling, completely sick. After I realized it I was saying no to it but it already happened. I’ve also now realized the irrationality that I only worry about my legs, it goes for thoughts and purposely enjoying them and groinal sensations etc too. I worry that since it technically wouldn’t hurt my brother or dog if I were to purposely do these things, my ocd brain will say since technically you might physically enjoy the act of closing legs together or because your ocd brain can make it seem like you do mentally enjoy them, even though when u think about it you feel awful, you’re just going to impulsively do it bc technically you wouldn’t hurt them, or at least have a thought of enjoyment which would be a true one because of the above. It also says stuff like since technically you like skin to skin contact of another human being that I’d enjoy thinking this about my brother in this way in a sick way. While typing this out these thoughts seemed kind of real, I was saying no to them but I had them and maybe partially allowed it. I THINK it was only to try and think that I don’t actually though which requires having these thoughts and because I was writing this out they were in my mind while I was focused on writing. I hate how it connects these things and when I test if I could really purposely do this it feels awful yet like I’m really doing it for a second (slightly leg movements or thinking the thought as if I enjoy it) so I feel guilty. Sorry for writing an essay every time I post. If you think I’m sick don’t be afraid to say it, I don’t want to do anything bad or hurt anyone especially the people I care about the most.

I’m sorry for posting again, especially when they’re so long and I said I would try not too. I just don’t know what to do. I was doing ok for a bit with ignoring but then I got the worry that I’d move my legs or think a sick thought and enjoyment truly on purpose and not just a random thought. To counter the movement worry I purposely moved them with the bad thought in mind and bad intentions that it was to enjoy it. Is this sick? Am I supposed to do this as exposure, it feels very wrong. It’s different then just purposely thinking it I guess. I kept getting the thought that’s saying I’m going to purposely think it and move to it or maybe I have already a bit and my leg twitches to it. Then I thought this is ocd, as long as I don’t really do it on purpose then it’s just ocd. Of course right after I get a thought that’s seems like I’m really doing and thinking it on purpose and my legs move slightly. I’m constantly trying to make sure I’m not doing it on purpose. Like as if I was going to going to say to myself I’m going to pleasure myself to him by thinking of him move my legs for that reason. Every breath I take I say to myself I’m not and focus that. I fear that since my worries are kind of self fulfilling then I’m going to have a thought I purposely think and/or purposely move. Even if it’s ocd that causes me to have a thought on purpose, purposely thinking for sick reasons for real, and I do it, the fact that I did it would be sick right? I’m basically worried it’s not going to be a random though my in my mind but me actually trying to think it and then acting. My own purposeful thought. I already felt the thought starting for a second a couple times but I stopped it. I don’t see how I can ignore this bc if not it’s most likely going to happen. It feels like there’s a loaded gun to my head that at any moment I’ll make go off on purpose even thought I don’t want to. I have an anxious urge to think it on purpose sometimes There’s one more thing I’m worried about now. I ruminated on something and convinced myself I had purposely thought something bad and purposely enjoyed it or thought it. I don’t think I did now but after I convinced myself I felt so depressed that for a second or two I think I purposely thought a horrible thought of my brothers face and the feeling of enjoyment or allowed them idk which. I then thought just bc you feel like **** doesn’t mean you can do that so I pushed it out or stopped. Thanks very much and sorry for using so much of your time.

@PolarBear @snowbear Thanks so much!! Sorry to keep posting, I know it’s probably repetitive and gets annoying eventually. I’ll try not to post for a while after this as I know reassurance seeking is no good, but I tried to ignore (not actively like before), and then ended up getting the thought that moving my leg was sexual and then I just moved it slightly anyways. I can’t help feel I’ve acted out now. Then worse, after that set me off I was thinking could I really move my legs for that reason on purpose? I guess it might have been testing I can’t remember. I was doing it as if it was real though so it’s still sick even IF it was testing. I moved them apart but at first I’m worried I slightly moved them inwards. How could I do that? I’m not even sure I did but maybe a tiny bit. Or I just got the thought I was and relaxed them for a second. Also I may have been somehow calm too not anxious like I should’ve been. Then I ruminated on this and tried to remember it. When remembering, my legs were moving slightly and since I was trying to remember in a way that it was real before bc that’s what I’m worried about, my legs moved bc of the memory I was trying to remember of really moving them. So I acted here. I was worried about this happening too but I still tried to remember anyways.

I keep feeling really doubtful and as if it’s not ocd but real. Even if it’s not real but I feel like it is or believe it for a moment and then moved my legs wouldn’t that be sick of me? I don’t know how to prevent this because I can’t keep reminding myself over and over that he’s my brother and it’s my dog and it’s not how I feel. I have to think of brotherly love (not sick) feelings I guess you could say which calms me a moment and then I start feeling/believing it’s sick again or am calm about it which causes anxiety bc it feels then like I am ok with it and acting on it. How can I move if it’s real like this? I’ve sat legs apart slightly for an hour now. My obsession a minute after writing the above has pretty much become a self fulfilling prophecy. I was worried I would get anxiety and then believe it’s real not ocd and then move my legs slightly anyways. Which after I thought that I did it. I got anxiety about this and had my legs from pushing them outwards away from each other to not for a second. Earlier I think I did actually move them slightly as well. Does this mean I’m sick as it’s a physical movement I acted on which I should be able to control?

This has now evolved to me needing to keep in my mind the feeling that I really don’t want or like these things. But it’s impossible to keep thinking this constantly. When I stop it just feels like maybe I am ok with thoughts or enjoying slightly or am which is scary. I’m also really scared I’m going to get anxious or impulsively or without thinking move my legs together about my brother.

Hi @snowbear, thanks very much for the response. I’ve been trying to ignore but I’m not sure if I am really. I’m keeping it in my mind that I’m ignoring and often telling myself that’s why I’m not reacting when I get a thought or before I do I movement. Otherwise if I just let go and don’t keep it in mind that I’m ignoring it feels wrong to think thoughts and feels real sometimes. I also sometimes feel like I want to think it or an urge to think it, so I’m not sure what to do here. Right now I try to avoid this by telling myself the feeling of wanting to think it on purpose is ocd and that I’m ignoring it. I can often keep them out this way at least ok. But it’s not truly ignoring if I’m still trying not to think it at the same time in a way and always keeping in mind that my intentions are to ignore and that it’s ocd and not me trying to think it? I try to make my mind only focus on what I’m doing and no other thoughts, if they come I push them out by saying it’s ocd and getting into a mental state of ignoring it but not because I’m focusing on ignoring it or not thinking it. Do I allow them if it feels real or that I want to think it? Do I purposely think it to get rid of the anxiety? Sorry I probably made this so confusing and longer than it needed to be.

I finally beat the touching obsession I had, or almost anyways but now the ocd (hopefully) just fixates on other stuff. Every movement I make or feeling in my brain is somehow sexual to thinking about my brother or dog. I breathe, that’s a sick pleasurable action along with the image of my brother or weird feeling in my brain towards my brother. Or I worry about moving my legs together even very slight movements were they aren’t together which would move my genitals to the thought of them. I am trying to take the leap of faith that it’s ocd at least about my brother and dog so I try and ignore thoughts about them and not worry about doing physical movements to them like breathing or moving legs but then it starts feeling like I want to think it or I am going to move my leg or anxiety/doubt builds which leads to me testing to get the right reaction to momentarily reassure myself that I don’t want this or enjoy it. But then sometimes seconds later I’ll be just be worrying again. The testing also causes more worries that it’s wasn’t just testing which takes up my entire day now. I’ll probably be posting some of those worries later ? Any advice is really appreciated.

@PolarBear @ShyGuy Thanks guys, I was finally able to beat this obsession. Well, not completely but I’ve made massive progress. I didn’t end up enjoying it at all until I actually noticed I wasn’t and thought wait oh I haven’t enjoyed it and then of course it kind of felt like I did if I’m remembering correctly but I’m treating it as ocd. Even if I was a p how could I have randomly started liking my brother? But now after a couple days of feeling kind of ok again, I’m having a new issue with different thoughts that just seem real and like I enjoy them in a way. It’s different than before, since I’m trying to treat it as ocd there’s less or maybe no anxiety but then I still think them and they feel real and like I want to think them. So I think I need to have more anxiety to prevent it as much as I can. It’s not like I’m trying to think them or enjoy them but they are there very often and when I say “it’s just ocd” to myself it almost never goes away. It literally seems like my own thoughts that I, on some level want to think sometimes. It’s also really hard to force out of my mind, previously it was hard too but this is worse I think. Or maybe I’m just mentally to tired. Probably both. But then when I test if I could actually try and think them or fantasize on purpose like I would an attractive girl my age I can’t. Maybe that’s just my morals though. Or my fear that if I did that then it would finally prove it’s all true. But to make it more confusing a couple times when I was in that state of mind I was talking about above, I tested to see if in that state or if when my thoughts feel like that, I could enjoy it and I think I could/was briefly but I stopped myself. I think one of those times was me forcing myself to do it and try to enjoy it though to see my reaction. It was also of something ridiculous, an ant (I was watching ant man). The other time though wasn’t something ridiculous and don’t think I was forcing. The only thing I’m holding on to is that I said no to it quickly, not sure if right away tho. And that testing in that way is maybe different than normal and different than actually trying to enjoy it. Also I’m only doing it to find answers I think. It’s just hard because it’s convincing me it’s all real and that I want to think it on some level. Sorry for my super long posts and thanks again.

Hi all, sorry I haven’t been able to take the advice very well. I’ve pretty much decided that my fears could be true. I’m thinking I might end it all within the next few years. There’s still some stuff I would like to do and have to do otherwise I’d maybe do it sooner. Maybe it’s selfish of me to stay alive longer when I really could be my fears. I keep going over what would be worse, me killing myself which obviously would be horrible for my brother, or if my fears are true and I’m getting a sick pleasure from touching things he has or touching something he will touch. Or other similar things like bumping into him by accident, looking at him, etc. I’ve heard there’s pedophiles who have lived “normal” lives and not offended but are they getting sick pleasure from touching something a kids touched? Or what if they bumped into a kid by accident? If they can’t prevent enjoying that then should they still be locked up? What if I’m a p who also has ocd causing me to enjoy touching things they have touched? One slightly good thing though is I’m less ocd about my dog now. Other than that though things aren’t looking great. Any help is really appreciated.

Hi Anon, I normally don’t give much advice on here since I’m struggling myself, but since nobody’s responded yet I’ll try and help. I’m sure someone really knowledgeable will respond later but for now hope this helps. So what you did might have been pretty shady, but I don’t think you need to continually beat yourself up about it. Especially not years later. Your worrying about “what if she’s sent something and is now terrified it could get out there, significantly affecting her life”, sounds like something I could have written myself - a person with bad ocd. You said you were on meds too, which seems like it really affected you. I know you worry you might have been “mentally all there” and that even if you weren’t it’d still be bad but either way I think it’s time to forgive yourself. Don’t think about it anymore, don’t try to answer the “would I have” questions. You were 18, on meds, and it’s definitely something forgivable. It’s not like you would do it again, people make mistakes. Let it go. This probably won’t help you and I want you to focus more on what I said above, but I’d doubt they sent you anything after not getting any money for choosing the option. Hope this helped, as I said though I’m really struggling so take my advice with that in mind. I’m sure someone else more knowledgeable and in a better position to give advice will respond soon. Wishing you well.

Thanks guys, I’m trying to ignore more often. I’ve also limited my cleaning a bit which is making life easier. Yesterday I did a decent job ignoring and it felt like a constant itch to check and think about it and a weird anxiety or unpleasant feeling was in my head. Today though there was a bit less of that feeling or/and anxiety yet it still felt like I could sometimes enjoy my thoughts. So I spent hours checking sometimes getting the right reaction sometimes not. But I think maybe the sometimes not is only because I know how wrong it is which makes me feel that way. Or that I’ve conditioned myself to feel like I don’t because of all the pain this keeps causing me. Like a pedo who is zapped when they think of a child to get rid of their attraction. The sometimes not I don’t even think is a disgust feeling. Just not aroused or a bad feeling in my head. Which maybe is because of how wrong it is and how much I don’t want to be that rather than what I’m naturally attracted to? Anyways, I’ll keep trying to ignore more. It’s possibly selfish of me but a little part of why I don’t want to keep cleaning as much is because I have the desire to use that time to start working out again. So maybe I’ll do that.

Thank you dk, I guess maybe you’re right. But if they were real then wouldn’t I need a lot of psychological help? I’d never truly get better. I’d probably need castration or something. Because although I’m confident I’m not ever going to act out in a typical way (ocd does make me doubt this a tiny bit occasionally), what if there’s stuff I can’t control. Say I pet a dog and it truly is for sexual reasons because I couldn’t control it to not feel that way, or a child hugged me or something and I felt arousal. That’s just so messed up if it’s not ocd. It’s not like I would want or plan out these things but if it’s not ocd then the dog one has been proven already in my previous posts to be uncontrollable. I was told it was ocd but if it isn’t then that means I did something AWFUL, even if it was uncontrollable. I should be locked away or dead to prevent further incidents right? Or another example I can give of uncontrollable is when I used to have an obsession about not breathing near my dog because what if I smelled her privates somehow and enjoyed it. I did everything I could to breath through my mouth, walk ahead upwind but I thought I smelled something anyway. Even if it was it was all ocd playing tricks on me, which it probably was, and I’ve managed to get over this obsession mostly, it still felt like I might have enjoyed it. Sick. But to clarify do you think there’s a significant chance I could be one of those “virtuous pedophiles”? Or some of my other fears? I just really don’t want to be alive if I am. I don’t care enough, even if I can go on with life without acting out I’d rather just die. Imagine seeing a naked kid at the beach, if I was a p that would be like cp to me and evil. I’d just rather not deal with this all... Not worth all the pain and sickness in my head. The only reason I haven’t killed myself already is my family. I do have goals and stuff too but that’s not enough sometimes. Most of those now feel unattainable. Like owning another dog when I’m older. I only have a small amount of hope it’s only ocd and that I could still. I sort of doubt I’m all of my fears because some of these I didn’t have or way less until this last year or two but maybe some of them are true. I don’t know. It feels like they could be though. Some I did have even when younger which makes me question. I think I might be somewhat similar to a satyr or some sort of beast with a sexual appetite for anything :(((. Maybe it’s just my sexuality and whatever I deem inappropriate to be attracted to I can be. Or that my sexuality is for anything, but my ocd makes it uncontrollable. That previously I didn’t notice all of it because it went against my morals or/and I couldn’t accept it or just didn’t consider the possibility of it which pushed it away but now with ocd I’ve thought about it lots and unlocked it in a way. Or more likely some is ocd and some isn’t. What if I’ve developed paraphilia’s as a result of obsessing over them and conditioning? Sorry I probably sound crazy, idk I haven’t slept right in a couple days and I’m very anxious. Forgive me if I’m taking your advice really badly and going nuts. I don’t know what I am or what to do.

Thanks so much BM and Polar, I actually managed to cut down my cleaning and avoiding a good bit. Although some of this was due to me needing to finish assignments and not spend time washing rather than directly challenging the ocd. I am feeling a little better but it’s really hard. I feel guilty for challenging the ocd. It feels like sometimes when I’m ignoring thoughts I’m not just ignoring ocd thoughts but sometimes real disgusting desires/thoughts. It feels very real sometimes so I can’t help but feel like it needs addressing and forcing out of my mind otherwise I could enjoy it at times. I’m tired of constantly trying to monitor my mind and attempting to make sure I don’t think/feel anything bad but it seems necessary for me. I’ve gotten to a point where somehow I do have a little control over my thoughts but I’m not sure if that’s good because then I have to constantly control my mind or watch out for stuff. If I get a thought I don’t want or am taking preventative measures I focus completely on something random in front of me and then convince myself I dont want to think the thoughts, which is sometimes pretty hard. Then I try to be calm or non reactive and label anything that I don’t want to think as intrusive which sometimes allows me to get much less of a reaction to the thoughts. Is this a compulsion? Maybe I should only do the last part and not do anything at all about the thoughts? Thanks again!!

Thank you all so much for responding, it really means a lot. Sorry it’s another long post but I think this will be my last one for a while. I’ll try to stop reassurance seeking after this. I have more reason to believe it’s not just ocd. While reading ocd forums I keep trying so hard not to be aroused or enjoy ANYTHING I read but the words “naked kid” were in a sentence and it felt like a wave of arousal came into my head. I desperately tried to get it out and did mostly, by saying no, shooting my arm out to the side, biting the bed sheets even for a second and forcing it out but the fact I felt that makes me think it’s not ocd. Often a good part of my day is me controlling my brain (or trying to) to not feel anything sick or any sort of arousal. Is that still ocd? And when I’m mentally checking if I’m aroused by kids I don’t think I get a disgust reaction. Sometimes the opposite it seems even. Occasionally it does seem like I don’t really like it but that could be just because of how wrong I know it is. Sometimes there isn’t even that much anxiety. How could that still be ocd? I still have the same obsession about not touching my dogs nose too. Maybe I’m reassurance seeking here, but it doesn’t seem like ocd to me. It doesn’t matter though. I cannot get over the obsession about not touching stuff my little brother has touched and getting his cells on me. I’m spending 2-5 hours a day washing hands and have gone a couple days without eating or drinking and other days eating very little because it’s too much of a hassle to leave my room and wash my hands and arms after. I can’t even touch the tap either so I have to kick it or grab it with a cloth. Ridiculous, but then kind of not if it isn’t just ocd and I’m getting a sick pleasure from touching something he’s touched? I’m feeling suicidal sometimes because it really might not be just ocd and I don’t want to do anything morally very wrong. I can’t get over this obsession without knowing the answer to this question: if it’s not just ocd, am I still ok to be touching door handles, taps, food, etc he’s touched even if I were to get some sick pleasure? What is the morality of that? Honestly it sounds insane but I’m thinking I have to go ask an ethics professor or something I don’t even know. What’s wrong with me. But please answer that question if you can I hate this so much. I just want to go and eat some food. Yesterday I stuffed myself to make up for the days I missed and the days where I ate very little but today I didn’t eat or drink again. My grades are slipping too which sucks because I was doing pretty well. It’s kind of funny (not really ig) how crazy this is getting, I almost couldn’t even eat at a fast food place my brother had eaten at before. I was thinking his cells would be there and I’d get some sick enjoyment getting them on me. Sorry for making long posts all the time and thanks again, don’t know what I’d be doing if it wasn’t for you amazing people.

Sorry, this is going to be another long post so thanks very much to everyone who reads it. I was on social media and one of those models came up in my feed and it was a close up of her underwear and I think you could kind of see some of her... Sorry TMI warning I was enjoying that but then I imagined it to be a little kid so I looked away from her but it felt like a different-ish feeling of some enjoyment came over me. And I didn’t really fight it off much at first. Or maybe even allowed it a little I’m not sure. Also sorry this might be irrelevant but I feel I have to include the details. Her underwear was yellow, sparkly and may have had a butterfly shape design I’m not 100% sure. So maybe this made me think of a kid’s underwear I don’t know. Also I can’t remember but once I imagined it to be a kid maybe this design made me think it was like a kid’s underwear which maybe contributed to that enjoyment feeling I briefly felt. I think I’m even more sick because of this. I worry this isn’t just ocd. I don’t really understand, earlier today I was testing in my mind whether I would enjoy something sick but I felt kind of like I passed the test. Probably I only passed because of my morals or bc I of course want to pass but maybe once I’m a little h*rny and get a horrible thought I’m too sick to even care enough to fight it off enough. I mean I tried to and I looked away from the model but at first I think I wasn’t really trying much and like I said it felt like a feeling of enjoyment for a little. I feel guilty about this and feel it proves it’s more than ocd. Now it feels like I want to think about it again. Although once I really thought about if I liked it, it seemed like I didn’t but now I’m not sure again. It’s going back and forth a little. Sometimes it feels like I enjoy it or want to or could and other times it feels like I don’t. Although usually I’m more unsure or feeling like maybe I could. It makes very little sense to me. Does that sound like ocd? Maybe I’m not a full on p but am a bit? From what I’ve read people say pedophiles don’t feel guilt or care but I heard there’s a website called virtuous pedophiles which is pedophiles dedicated not to acting out. Does anyone know if that’s real? What separates them from me or someone with pocd? I’ve been too scared to go on that site for fear I’ll read something sick and enjoy it. Or that I’ll match with their symptoms. I’ve also been obsessing about a thought I had about dogs today which I felt like I enjoyed for a second before I pushed it out. That feeling was a bit different than the above though so maybe this is ocd and the other isn’t. I sometimes feel a bit like the thoughts are only somewhat intrusive. Like I know it’s wrong and am trying not to think about it but on some level I want to so I allow it kind of? Whether that’s for checking reasons or not idk. I suspect sometimes it is but other times not. I also remember a couple years ago I had a few brief undesired moments feeling like I was attracted to middle aged/older aged men which makes little sense to me as well. Maybe it sounds ridiculous, but I worry I could have some weird sexuality or other disorder that causes me to be attracted to anything. Especially if I don’t want to be or if I consider the possibility of it, whatever it might be. Either that or I had ocd about this but not about other thing(s). A mix of ocd and genuine sickness. I kind of think I should just end it. Everyone would be better off if I wasn’t here being sick in the head. I wouldn’t have to deal with this sh*t either.

Thanks paradoxer and polar, I left it alone for about a day and then went back to avoiding just slightly less because it’s impossible. I have new reasons to believe it’s not ocd though which I’ll post.

@PolarBear Thank you very much for responding and taking the time. I have decreased my cleaning slightly and I’ll try to stop reassurance seeking after this. I can see how before it seemed like ocd but just to be 100% clear you read all of my last post right? Sorry my ocd is saying you may not have read it all and maybe missed important bits. I just don’t see how giving in and being too tired to fight it and then actually feeling like there’s some weird sick feeling in my head of enjoyment could be ocd. And also not even caring until after those moments. How could I enjoy it or allow it and not fight it. And have those awful thoughts that were my own. I was at a very low point could that cause it? I am just not seeing that this could be only ocd anymore.

Thank you PB, last night I started not avoiding stuff quite as much. Not sure if it was because I was believing it to be ocd or because I was too tired to be avoiding and just gave up. Probably both. What happened though seems like it might not be just ocd. I was getting a feeling in my mind like I was enjoying it. I remember I had a bad thought too which was my own not ocd. I can’t remember it exactly but I think it was one of these or a combination: maybe it’s ok even if I enjoy it since technically no one gets hurt, I am having the feeling of enjoyment and it’s ok or I just don’t care, or would it be ok if I felt enjoyment from it since no one gets hurt? After I said to myself no wtf how can you consider that but still, I considered it and may have enjoyed it and allowed it or agreed or accepted those thoughts. At some point(s) I think I was briefly feeling ok with the weird feeling of enjoyment in my head. I could’ve been enjoying or allowing that feeling more often I think but I was trying to suppress it at least a little most of the time. I didn’t have enough energy to do more. In my head I just felt so f*cked up, like I was ok with it and didn’t even care. Most of the time I felt like not caring I reminded myself I don’t want to be a bad person or feel enjoyment. Hopefully it’s just how bad I felt that caused me to have that sort of feeling and not fight it off much or at all for small moments and even be ok or maybe even a little good with it in a way. I’m really not sure. Does this now prove it’s more than ocd? I want to die if I’m a danger to my brother or it’s more. I feel guilty for the above. How could I allow myself to feel ok or give in to it. What if I have an impulse control disorder? I hit a real low last night and started gambling, won $300 then blew it all and felt like ****. I kept going even when I thought I should probably stop, kept clicking the stupid button impulsively. I hope it was just my awful mood last night due to the ocd situation making me like that but I’m scared. On the whole I don’t have a gambling problem though. Sorry for making this so long but one last thing is I have have a similar obsession about not touching my dogs nose (because of where dogs noses go), but since the newest obsession with my brother it feels less important and sometimes I don’t pay as much attention to it. I feel a little like I don’t care about my dog now because of this or like I’m being negligent to not keep avoiding her nose so much just because of a different obsession.

I was doing better for a couple days, thank you guys for that, but I spiralled way out of control because I’m really not convinced it’s just ocd. Its been getting so bad yesterday I spent 3-4 hours cleaning myself then cleaning the shower I was in for fear that my brother would use it and I would feel pleasure from knowing water that had touched my genitals was now all over the shower and my brother could be in it. I started feeling a bit ill from the amount of cleaning products I was breathing in. It’s getting so exhausting. I haven’t been eating completely properly because I don’t want to go out and touch stuff requiring me to wash hands after excessively. I was actually getting better at dealing with general contamination but since it’s now sexual it’s so much worse. This issue was about my whole family before but I decreased my avoidance of my parents bc it was too tiring. If any of them are true desires the worst would be my little brother. It also seems most likely to be true compared to my parents since I was already getting pocd thoughts and much less about my parents. I know this might seem like ocd to people but to me I think it could be ocd and something sick. If this is the case then am I still ok to be doing normal stuff even if I felt some sick pleasure? I feel like a ticking time bomb that at any moment I will lose control of my thoughts and enjoy something f*cked. Even if it’s just briefly before I say NO. In fact this may already have happened. I wrote a bunch of stuff down over the past few days, I will have to sort through it to see. What if I’m playing sports or whatever with my brother and I do a movement like move my leg against him for sick reasons. It’s not like I would ever plan something like this out it’s just if I stop focusing on my thoughts so much I’ll still get them and since I wouldn’t be placing meaning on them I might act on a quick impulse like that. Or I will be in my head trying to control thoughts and it does feel like my thoughts are going out of control anyways and then what if I do something?

Thank you @dksea, honestly though I think maybe I’ve allowed thoughts before and I think the physical movement worry I have has actually happened before. I just can’t remember for sure off the top of my head because everyday is new obsessions and ruminating. I’ve written some down though so if it’s not ocd I’ll have somewhat of a record of the bad things I’ve done so I can know how awful I am. So if I did end up moving my leg or arm or my eyes darted to see something I said to look away from then what does that mean? The eyes one has definitely happened I know that for sure.