Terriblethoughts

Hi all, sorry I haven’t been able to take the advice very well. I’ve pretty much decided that my fears could be true. I’m thinking I might end it all within the next few years. There’s still some stuff I would like to do and have to do otherwise I’d maybe do it sooner. Maybe it’s selfish of me to stay alive longer when I really could be my fears. I keep going over what would be worse, me killing myself which obviously would be horrible for my brother, or if my fears are true and I’m getting a sick pleasure from touching things he has or touching something he will touch. Or other similar things like bumping into him by accident, looking at him, etc. I’ve heard there’s pedophiles who have lived “normal” lives and not offended but are they getting sick pleasure from touching something a kids touched? Or what if they bumped into a kid by accident? If they can’t prevent enjoying that then should they still be locked up? What if I’m a p who also has ocd causing me to enjoy touching things they have touched? One slightly good thing though is I’m less ocd about my dog now. Other than that though things aren’t looking great. Any help is really appreciated.

Hi Anon, I normally don’t give much advice on here since I’m struggling myself, but since nobody’s responded yet I’ll try and help. I’m sure someone really knowledgeable will respond later but for now hope this helps. So what you did might have been pretty shady, but I don’t think you need to continually beat yourself up about it. Especially not years later. Your worrying about “what if she’s sent something and is now terrified it could get out there, significantly affecting her life”, sounds like something I could have written myself - a person with bad ocd. You said you were on meds too, which seems like it really affected you. I know you worry you might have been “mentally all there” and that even if you weren’t it’d still be bad but either way I think it’s time to forgive yourself. Don’t think about it anymore, don’t try to answer the “would I have” questions. You were 18, on meds, and it’s definitely something forgivable. It’s not like you would do it again, people make mistakes. Let it go. This probably won’t help you and I want you to focus more on what I said above, but I’d doubt they sent you anything after not getting any money for choosing the option. Hope this helped, as I said though I’m really struggling so take my advice with that in mind. I’m sure someone else more knowledgeable and in a better position to give advice will respond soon. Wishing you well.

Thanks guys, I’m trying to ignore more often. I’ve also limited my cleaning a bit which is making life easier. Yesterday I did a decent job ignoring and it felt like a constant itch to check and think about it and a weird anxiety or unpleasant feeling was in my head. Today though there was a bit less of that feeling or/and anxiety yet it still felt like I could sometimes enjoy my thoughts. So I spent hours checking sometimes getting the right reaction sometimes not. But I think maybe the sometimes not is only because I know how wrong it is which makes me feel that way. Or that I’ve conditioned myself to feel like I don’t because of all the pain this keeps causing me. Like a pedo who is zapped when they think of a child to get rid of their attraction. The sometimes not I don’t even think is a disgust feeling. Just not aroused or a bad feeling in my head. Which maybe is because of how wrong it is and how much I don’t want to be that rather than what I’m naturally attracted to? Anyways, I’ll keep trying to ignore more. It’s possibly selfish of me but a little part of why I don’t want to keep cleaning as much is because I have the desire to use that time to start working out again. So maybe I’ll do that.

Thank you dk, I guess maybe you’re right. But if they were real then wouldn’t I need a lot of psychological help? I’d never truly get better. I’d probably need castration or something. Because although I’m confident I’m not ever going to act out in a typical way (ocd does make me doubt this a tiny bit occasionally), what if there’s stuff I can’t control. Say I pet a dog and it truly is for sexual reasons because I couldn’t control it to not feel that way, or a child hugged me or something and I felt arousal. That’s just so messed up if it’s not ocd. It’s not like I would want or plan out these things but if it’s not ocd then the dog one has been proven already in my previous posts to be uncontrollable. I was told it was ocd but if it isn’t then that means I did something AWFUL, even if it was uncontrollable. I should be locked away or dead to prevent further incidents right? Or another example I can give of uncontrollable is when I used to have an obsession about not breathing near my dog because what if I smelled her privates somehow and enjoyed it. I did everything I could to breath through my mouth, walk ahead upwind but I thought I smelled something anyway. Even if it was it was all ocd playing tricks on me, which it probably was, and I’ve managed to get over this obsession mostly, it still felt like I might have enjoyed it. Sick. But to clarify do you think there’s a significant chance I could be one of those “virtuous pedophiles”? Or some of my other fears? I just really don’t want to be alive if I am. I don’t care enough, even if I can go on with life without acting out I’d rather just die. Imagine seeing a naked kid at the beach, if I was a p that would be like cp to me and evil. I’d just rather not deal with this all... Not worth all the pain and sickness in my head. The only reason I haven’t killed myself already is my family. I do have goals and stuff too but that’s not enough sometimes. Most of those now feel unattainable. Like owning another dog when I’m older. I only have a small amount of hope it’s only ocd and that I could still. I sort of doubt I’m all of my fears because some of these I didn’t have or way less until this last year or two but maybe some of them are true. I don’t know. It feels like they could be though. Some I did have even when younger which makes me question. I think I might be somewhat similar to a satyr or some sort of beast with a sexual appetite for anything :(((. Maybe it’s just my sexuality and whatever I deem inappropriate to be attracted to I can be. Or that my sexuality is for anything, but my ocd makes it uncontrollable. That previously I didn’t notice all of it because it went against my morals or/and I couldn’t accept it or just didn’t consider the possibility of it which pushed it away but now with ocd I’ve thought about it lots and unlocked it in a way. Or more likely some is ocd and some isn’t. What if I’ve developed paraphilia’s as a result of obsessing over them and conditioning? Sorry I probably sound crazy, idk I haven’t slept right in a couple days and I’m very anxious. Forgive me if I’m taking your advice really badly and going nuts. I don’t know what I am or what to do.

Thanks so much BM and Polar, I actually managed to cut down my cleaning and avoiding a good bit. Although some of this was due to me needing to finish assignments and not spend time washing rather than directly challenging the ocd. I am feeling a little better but it’s really hard. I feel guilty for challenging the ocd. It feels like sometimes when I’m ignoring thoughts I’m not just ignoring ocd thoughts but sometimes real disgusting desires/thoughts. It feels very real sometimes so I can’t help but feel like it needs addressing and forcing out of my mind otherwise I could enjoy it at times. I’m tired of constantly trying to monitor my mind and attempting to make sure I don’t think/feel anything bad but it seems necessary for me. I’ve gotten to a point where somehow I do have a little control over my thoughts but I’m not sure if that’s good because then I have to constantly control my mind or watch out for stuff. If I get a thought I don’t want or am taking preventative measures I focus completely on something random in front of me and then convince myself I dont want to think the thoughts, which is sometimes pretty hard. Then I try to be calm or non reactive and label anything that I don’t want to think as intrusive which sometimes allows me to get much less of a reaction to the thoughts. Is this a compulsion? Maybe I should only do the last part and not do anything at all about the thoughts? Thanks again!!

Thank you all so much for responding, it really means a lot. Sorry it’s another long post but I think this will be my last one for a while. I’ll try to stop reassurance seeking after this. I have more reason to believe it’s not just ocd. While reading ocd forums I keep trying so hard not to be aroused or enjoy ANYTHING I read but the words “naked kid” were in a sentence and it felt like a wave of arousal came into my head. I desperately tried to get it out and did mostly, by saying no, shooting my arm out to the side, biting the bed sheets even for a second and forcing it out but the fact I felt that makes me think it’s not ocd. Often a good part of my day is me controlling my brain (or trying to) to not feel anything sick or any sort of arousal. Is that still ocd? And when I’m mentally checking if I’m aroused by kids I don’t think I get a disgust reaction. Sometimes the opposite it seems even. Occasionally it does seem like I don’t really like it but that could be just because of how wrong I know it is. Sometimes there isn’t even that much anxiety. How could that still be ocd? I still have the same obsession about not touching my dogs nose too. Maybe I’m reassurance seeking here, but it doesn’t seem like ocd to me. It doesn’t matter though. I cannot get over the obsession about not touching stuff my little brother has touched and getting his cells on me. I’m spending 2-5 hours a day washing hands and have gone a couple days without eating or drinking and other days eating very little because it’s too much of a hassle to leave my room and wash my hands and arms after. I can’t even touch the tap either so I have to kick it or grab it with a cloth. Ridiculous, but then kind of not if it isn’t just ocd and I’m getting a sick pleasure from touching something he’s touched? I’m feeling suicidal sometimes because it really might not be just ocd and I don’t want to do anything morally very wrong. I can’t get over this obsession without knowing the answer to this question: if it’s not just ocd, am I still ok to be touching door handles, taps, food, etc he’s touched even if I were to get some sick pleasure? What is the morality of that? Honestly it sounds insane but I’m thinking I have to go ask an ethics professor or something I don’t even know. What’s wrong with me. But please answer that question if you can I hate this so much. I just want to go and eat some food. Yesterday I stuffed myself to make up for the days I missed and the days where I ate very little but today I didn’t eat or drink again. My grades are slipping too which sucks because I was doing pretty well. It’s kind of funny (not really ig) how crazy this is getting, I almost couldn’t even eat at a fast food place my brother had eaten at before. I was thinking his cells would be there and I’d get some sick enjoyment getting them on me. Sorry for making long posts all the time and thanks again, don’t know what I’d be doing if it wasn’t for you amazing people.

Sorry, this is going to be another long post so thanks very much to everyone who reads it. I was on social media and one of those models came up in my feed and it was a close up of her underwear and I think you could kind of see some of her... Sorry TMI warning I was enjoying that but then I imagined it to be a little kid so I looked away from her but it felt like a different-ish feeling of some enjoyment came over me. And I didn’t really fight it off much at first. Or maybe even allowed it a little I’m not sure. Also sorry this might be irrelevant but I feel I have to include the details. Her underwear was yellow, sparkly and may have had a butterfly shape design I’m not 100% sure. So maybe this made me think of a kid’s underwear I don’t know. Also I can’t remember but once I imagined it to be a kid maybe this design made me think it was like a kid’s underwear which maybe contributed to that enjoyment feeling I briefly felt. I think I’m even more sick because of this. I worry this isn’t just ocd. I don’t really understand, earlier today I was testing in my mind whether I would enjoy something sick but I felt kind of like I passed the test. Probably I only passed because of my morals or bc I of course want to pass but maybe once I’m a little h*rny and get a horrible thought I’m too sick to even care enough to fight it off enough. I mean I tried to and I looked away from the model but at first I think I wasn’t really trying much and like I said it felt like a feeling of enjoyment for a little. I feel guilty about this and feel it proves it’s more than ocd. Now it feels like I want to think about it again. Although once I really thought about if I liked it, it seemed like I didn’t but now I’m not sure again. It’s going back and forth a little. Sometimes it feels like I enjoy it or want to or could and other times it feels like I don’t. Although usually I’m more unsure or feeling like maybe I could. It makes very little sense to me. Does that sound like ocd? Maybe I’m not a full on p but am a bit? From what I’ve read people say pedophiles don’t feel guilt or care but I heard there’s a website called virtuous pedophiles which is pedophiles dedicated not to acting out. Does anyone know if that’s real? What separates them from me or someone with pocd? I’ve been too scared to go on that site for fear I’ll read something sick and enjoy it. Or that I’ll match with their symptoms. I’ve also been obsessing about a thought I had about dogs today which I felt like I enjoyed for a second before I pushed it out. That feeling was a bit different than the above though so maybe this is ocd and the other isn’t. I sometimes feel a bit like the thoughts are only somewhat intrusive. Like I know it’s wrong and am trying not to think about it but on some level I want to so I allow it kind of? Whether that’s for checking reasons or not idk. I suspect sometimes it is but other times not. I also remember a couple years ago I had a few brief undesired moments feeling like I was attracted to middle aged/older aged men which makes little sense to me as well. Maybe it sounds ridiculous, but I worry I could have some weird sexuality or other disorder that causes me to be attracted to anything. Especially if I don’t want to be or if I consider the possibility of it, whatever it might be. Either that or I had ocd about this but not about other thing(s). A mix of ocd and genuine sickness. I kind of think I should just end it. Everyone would be better off if I wasn’t here being sick in the head. I wouldn’t have to deal with this sh*t either.

Thanks paradoxer and polar, I left it alone for about a day and then went back to avoiding just slightly less because it’s impossible. I have new reasons to believe it’s not ocd though which I’ll post.

@PolarBear Thank you very much for responding and taking the time. I have decreased my cleaning slightly and I’ll try to stop reassurance seeking after this. I can see how before it seemed like ocd but just to be 100% clear you read all of my last post right? Sorry my ocd is saying you may not have read it all and maybe missed important bits. I just don’t see how giving in and being too tired to fight it and then actually feeling like there’s some weird sick feeling in my head of enjoyment could be ocd. And also not even caring until after those moments. How could I enjoy it or allow it and not fight it. And have those awful thoughts that were my own. I was at a very low point could that cause it? I am just not seeing that this could be only ocd anymore.

Thank you PB, last night I started not avoiding stuff quite as much. Not sure if it was because I was believing it to be ocd or because I was too tired to be avoiding and just gave up. Probably both. What happened though seems like it might not be just ocd. I was getting a feeling in my mind like I was enjoying it. I remember I had a bad thought too which was my own not ocd. I can’t remember it exactly but I think it was one of these or a combination: maybe it’s ok even if I enjoy it since technically no one gets hurt, I am having the feeling of enjoyment and it’s ok or I just don’t care, or would it be ok if I felt enjoyment from it since no one gets hurt? After I said to myself no wtf how can you consider that but still, I considered it and may have enjoyed it and allowed it or agreed or accepted those thoughts. At some point(s) I think I was briefly feeling ok with the weird feeling of enjoyment in my head. I could’ve been enjoying or allowing that feeling more often I think but I was trying to suppress it at least a little most of the time. I didn’t have enough energy to do more. In my head I just felt so f*cked up, like I was ok with it and didn’t even care. Most of the time I felt like not caring I reminded myself I don’t want to be a bad person or feel enjoyment. Hopefully it’s just how bad I felt that caused me to have that sort of feeling and not fight it off much or at all for small moments and even be ok or maybe even a little good with it in a way. I’m really not sure. Does this now prove it’s more than ocd? I want to die if I’m a danger to my brother or it’s more. I feel guilty for the above. How could I allow myself to feel ok or give in to it. What if I have an impulse control disorder? I hit a real low last night and started gambling, won $300 then blew it all and felt like ****. I kept going even when I thought I should probably stop, kept clicking the stupid button impulsively. I hope it was just my awful mood last night due to the ocd situation making me like that but I’m scared. On the whole I don’t have a gambling problem though. Sorry for making this so long but one last thing is I have have a similar obsession about not touching my dogs nose (because of where dogs noses go), but since the newest obsession with my brother it feels less important and sometimes I don’t pay as much attention to it. I feel a little like I don’t care about my dog now because of this or like I’m being negligent to not keep avoiding her nose so much just because of a different obsession.

I was doing better for a couple days, thank you guys for that, but I spiralled way out of control because I’m really not convinced it’s just ocd. Its been getting so bad yesterday I spent 3-4 hours cleaning myself then cleaning the shower I was in for fear that my brother would use it and I would feel pleasure from knowing water that had touched my genitals was now all over the shower and my brother could be in it. I started feeling a bit ill from the amount of cleaning products I was breathing in. It’s getting so exhausting. I haven’t been eating completely properly because I don’t want to go out and touch stuff requiring me to wash hands after excessively. I was actually getting better at dealing with general contamination but since it’s now sexual it’s so much worse. This issue was about my whole family before but I decreased my avoidance of my parents bc it was too tiring. If any of them are true desires the worst would be my little brother. It also seems most likely to be true compared to my parents since I was already getting pocd thoughts and much less about my parents. I know this might seem like ocd to people but to me I think it could be ocd and something sick. If this is the case then am I still ok to be doing normal stuff even if I felt some sick pleasure? I feel like a ticking time bomb that at any moment I will lose control of my thoughts and enjoy something f*cked. Even if it’s just briefly before I say NO. In fact this may already have happened. I wrote a bunch of stuff down over the past few days, I will have to sort through it to see. What if I’m playing sports or whatever with my brother and I do a movement like move my leg against him for sick reasons. It’s not like I would ever plan something like this out it’s just if I stop focusing on my thoughts so much I’ll still get them and since I wouldn’t be placing meaning on them I might act on a quick impulse like that. Or I will be in my head trying to control thoughts and it does feel like my thoughts are going out of control anyways and then what if I do something?

Thank you @dksea, honestly though I think maybe I’ve allowed thoughts before and I think the physical movement worry I have has actually happened before. I just can’t remember for sure off the top of my head because everyday is new obsessions and ruminating. I’ve written some down though so if it’s not ocd I’ll have somewhat of a record of the bad things I’ve done so I can know how awful I am. So if I did end up moving my leg or arm or my eyes darted to see something I said to look away from then what does that mean? The eyes one has definitely happened I know that for sure.

@paradoxer @PolarBear Thanks for responding guys really appreciate it. It’s just I can’t seem to accept that it’s ocd. Like I said above I can sort of control it sometimes which seems odd. Less like ocd and more like repressing or controlling messed up desires and thoughts. I also had some of these thoughts when I was a kid too, would that still point to ocd? I had ocd tendencies other than thoughts as well but that wasn’t so bad. I realize maybe you don’t want to answer the question I asked earlier about if it’s not ocd and if feel pleasure then how terrible would it be but if you could answer it once I’ll try to stop asking. Sorry for bugging you about this, it’s just I’m sure it’s going to happen now at some point. I’m going to be sitting next to them on a trip soon and thoughts that may feel/even be enjoyable and possibly some small leg or arm movements are probably bound to happen. I’m not sure if all my thoughts are intrusive, it’s not always just a quick thought out of nowhere. I think sometimes it’s more like I possibly I want to think about it but I know it’s wrong so I try and stop myself. Or briefly a messed thought comes or is itching to get out and I don’t fight it much and perhaps even allow it and maybe even enjoy it. It’s impossible to be on high alert and control it all the time. Even when I try it still slips out sometimes. Lastly, is a small physical movement acting on a thought? It seems to me it is since you control your movements but I read in another post someone who did this and they were told it was nothing. I just don’t completely understand how it’s not? If I were to have the thought don’t move your leg against them or move it away from them or else you’ll get pleasure then if I don’t do what the ocd demands especially if I actually move my leg to touch someone with the thought of getting pleasure in mind then to me that seems awful.

I’ve also begun not touching anything that my family members, dog or anyone I know have touched as I’m scared I’ll get pleasure from knowing that their cells or bacteria etc are now on my hands. Especially things like taps because they could’ve touched their genitals when going to the bathroom then touching the tap. What if I got sexual pleasure from something like this? I can’t help but think it could not be just ocd. Maybe it’s ocd making that connection in the first place to not to touch things they’ve touched but maybe I am really attracted to them or could get a sick pleasure from it since my ocd connected it. If I am then how bad would I be if I ended up enjoying something f*cked like that. I feel it’s inevitable now because next week there’s no way I will be able to avoid contact with them. Also I worry that if I spread my germs for example I go the the bathroom and touch my genitals to take a **** then touch the tap that I’m getting pleasure from knowing my family is touching the tap after. I hate this ****. I never touch anything anymore, always use a tissue or tp. It’s been exhausting having to wash my hands all the time, for an hour or so sometimes and not eating food except around dinner for the most part because I don’t want to leave my room and touch things requiring me to wash my hands. I was getting a bit better at dealing with hand washing due to general contamination but now I’ve connected it to a sexual thing which makes it 10 times worse. The thoughts feel really real sometimes. If they are more then just thoughts/ocd then how awful am I? What do I do?