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Terriblethoughts

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  1. Thank you @dksea, honestly though I think maybe I’ve allowed thoughts before and I think the physical movement worry I have has actually happened before. I just can’t remember for sure off the top of my head because everyday is new obsessions and ruminating. I’ve written some down though so if it’s not ocd I’ll have somewhat of a record of the bad things I’ve done so I can know how awful I am. So if I did end up moving my leg or arm or my eyes darted to see something I said to look away from then what does that mean? The eyes one has definitely happened I know that for sure.
  2. @paradoxer @PolarBear Thanks for responding guys really appreciate it. It’s just I can’t seem to accept that it’s ocd. Like I said above I can sort of control it sometimes which seems odd. Less like ocd and more like repressing or controlling messed up desires and thoughts. I also had some of these thoughts when I was a kid too, would that still point to ocd? I had ocd tendencies other than thoughts as well but that wasn’t so bad. I realize maybe you don’t want to answer the question I asked earlier about if it’s not ocd and if feel pleasure then how terrible would it be but if you could answer it once I’ll try to stop asking. Sorry for bugging you about this, it’s just I’m sure it’s going to happen now at some point. I’m going to be sitting next to them on a trip soon and thoughts that may feel/even be enjoyable and possibly some small leg or arm movements are probably bound to happen. I’m not sure if all my thoughts are intrusive, it’s not always just a quick thought out of nowhere. I think sometimes it’s more like I possibly I want to think about it but I know it’s wrong so I try and stop myself. Or briefly a messed thought comes or is itching to get out and I don’t fight it much and perhaps even allow it and maybe even enjoy it. It’s impossible to be on high alert and control it all the time. Even when I try it still slips out sometimes. Lastly, is a small physical movement acting on a thought? It seems to me it is since you control your movements but I read in another post someone who did this and they were told it was nothing. I just don’t completely understand how it’s not? If I were to have the thought don’t move your leg against them or move it away from them or else you’ll get pleasure then if I don’t do what the ocd demands especially if I actually move my leg to touch someone with the thought of getting pleasure in mind then to me that seems awful.
  3. I’ve also begun not touching anything that my family members, dog or anyone I know have touched as I’m scared I’ll get pleasure from knowing that their cells or bacteria etc are now on my hands. Especially things like taps because they could’ve touched their genitals when going to the bathroom then touching the tap. What if I got sexual pleasure from something like this? I can’t help but think it could not be just ocd. Maybe it’s ocd making that connection in the first place to not to touch things they’ve touched but maybe I am really attracted to them or could get a sick pleasure from it since my ocd connected it. If I am then how bad would I be if I ended up enjoying something f*cked like that. I feel it’s inevitable now because next week there’s no way I will be able to avoid contact with them. Also I worry that if I spread my germs for example I go the the bathroom and touch my genitals to take a **** then touch the tap that I’m getting pleasure from knowing my family is touching the tap after. I hate this ****. I never touch anything anymore, always use a tissue or tp. It’s been exhausting having to wash my hands all the time, for an hour or so sometimes and not eating food except around dinner for the most part because I don’t want to leave my room and touch things requiring me to wash my hands. I was getting a bit better at dealing with hand washing due to general contamination but now I’ve connected it to a sexual thing which makes it 10 times worse. The thoughts feel really real sometimes. If they are more then just thoughts/ocd then how awful am I? What do I do?
  4. Hi, if someone could take the time to read all this I would really appreciate it. Recently I’ve started to think that I could be attracted to literally anything I think I am. This is including my family now especially and it’s killing me. My mind is connecting stuff I do with doing it for sexual pleasure. For example I get a bad thought and feeling and say don’t move your leg as that would move your genitals slightly as well which is like acting on it for pleasure. Many physical movements I do I have to fight the thought and feeling that I’m doing it for pleasure. Also mental stuff like just scrolling through social media or reading anything I have to say “I’m not doing this for sexual pleasure” but then I get I weird feeling in my head that feels like I probably am and it’s hard to fight off or limit. Sometimes I think I’ve even ended up moving my leg or my arm and in a way I feel like that’s acting on the thought. I think I also allow thoughts sometimes or just don’t fight them enough. It could literally feel like I’m going to do something for pleasure and I think occasionally I’ve done it anyways. And it probably feels pleasurable until right after when I feel awful. I think it’s my responsibility to fight these feelings and thoughts because I don’t know if it’s just ocd and sometimes I can kind of control them. Sometimes I even have decent control for a little while after I focus and say “I’m not doing this for pleasure” If it was just ocd then I shouldn’t be able to control it at all? I don’t think I can get over this unless I know the answer to this question: if it’s not just ocd and the thoughts/feelings in my head are true, then by doing small movements (kinda acting on them in a way), is that evil? Do I need to distance myself from people more or do something? Please answer this question. I’m becoming more convinced not all the thoughts are ocd. Or that I do have ocd but also am sick. I’m staying away from everyone now because if they are true I don’t want to take the risk of abusing them or doing something evil even if it’s not in a typical way. I basically know I would never actually do something evil like rape someone but let’s say I’m sitting beside my family member and get the the thought I’m brushing my leg against theirs for sexual reasons and it literally feels like I am or I actually move my leg against them in response to the feeling or thought then I would feel awful. What if I did that?? Maybe I could accept that I’m f*cked up and it’s not all ocd but I cannot accept acting on it, even if that’s in a way that technically doesn’t hurt them. It would be very wrong if it’s not ocd right!? Please answer that for me because I don’t think I can always control little movements and thoughts/feelings and I’m worried. I feel at some point it’s inevitable that it’s going to happen.
  5. Sorry I’m not sure if this is an ocd issue or not so if it isn’t I’m sorry for posting here. I went on reddit a while back and was looking at a suicide forum and I thought “would a decent person go to the police and report this so they can maybe find and save these people?” I ended up not doing anything and forgot about it probably because I’ve been so focused on my obsessions but I thought of it a couple days ago and visited a forum again. I felt guilty but I put off asking about this because I was occupied with other obsessions and was afraid to ask. Also I can’t remember if this is a false memory or not but I remember one person who no one responded to and I was thinking I should make an account and respond if I was a decent person. A decent person wouldn’t mind taking 30 minutes to make an account and send a message before going to bed right? I guess I figured someone else would probably respond as it seemed to be an active forum. Even if I haven’t done anything wrong by not reporting it, just the fact I put off asking about it for so long kind of proves I’m not a good person. If I thought that it was something important I should’ve asked right away. I personally probably wouldn’t want people to report it but then I’m not in a situation to say what the right thing to do there is for multiple reasons. This has also brought back a memory of a conversation I had with someone about a year or two ago who was suicidal. Should I have reported that? Should I still report it if I can go and find the messages? I remember I tried to help them and I don’t remember if they said they would do it or not. I don’t know who they are either. This keeps bringing back more memories. A couple months ago I talked to a stranger online on a suicide thing and I can’t remember if they said they were suicidal or not. I seem to have a memory of them saying they weren’t even but I don’t know. Is it my responsibility to report this as well? I don’t know who they are and don’t remember exactly when I talked to them and the chat isn’t saved or anything. But maybe there’s a small chance that something could be done. I’m overwhelmed with this all and I don’t know what to do now. Should I be feeling guilty and responsible? Is it my responsibility to do something or is it ocd making me feel like it is? Any help is really appreciated and I’m sorry for being a terrible person and sorry for posting here. Also if you’re wondering or worried why I was on a suicide forum don’t worry I promise I’m not going to do anything.
  6. Thank you Annie that’s a good point. The thing is though it’s not just me in the house. I do make sure it’s in a safe enough spot but I feel like it’s possible someone else will leave a piece out on the table or something. BM thanks again, I guess it’s not reasonable but somehow it seems like it is to me. I guess that’s ocd. I’ll work on it. I also feel guilty though bc if I thought it was a big deal in the past but waited to post here then it’s like I thought there was maybe a threat and didn’t ask about it even though I thought maybe it could hurt my dog or worse. Even if the threat wasn’t real the feeling that it might be was and I didn’t ask about it right away. Thanks paradoxer. Would the above also apply to there’s nothing moral about ocd?
  7. Thank you so much. Sounds like a good book, I need to look into getting some. I do see that the cycle keeps going on and on but I can’t help but feel if I got rid of all the chocolate in the house then I would at least be doing what I could within reason to prevent her from eating it. I know most people who have dogs also probably have chocolate in their cupboard but I don’t think most people view their dogs quite the same as me or maybe it’s just the ocd talking here. I apologize if I’m wrong about that and I’m not trying to say people don’t love their dogs or anything. I’m saying to myself: “you can’t even throw away people’s chocolate to keep your dog safe” and “it’s selfish that you haven’t given up chocolate, a minor pleasure for you but a poison for your dog.” I mean I could give up chocolate but I don’t live alone and other people eat it sometimes anyways. If I threw it all out they’d be thinking wtf where’s all the expensive chocolate gone lol. Sorry this is probably ridiculous and is one of my more minor worries. I don’t want to waste anyone’s time.
  8. Thanks for responding guys really appreciate it. I’ve found a new worry now although it’s not that bad thankfully. I worry that it’s morally wrong to even have chocolate in the house if you have a dog. If chocolate was toxic to babies then wouldn’t we be not eating chocolate anywhere near them? I realize a dog isn’t a baby or a human but to me I kinda think dogs are better than humans. Someone please tell me I’m being dumb or irrational so I can stop worrying or tell me that if I do consider dogs better then humans I should be getting rid of chocolate or taking extreme care not to drop any.
  9. I think so. I used to be able to hide it more in high school so the only thing that got noticed once in a while was me not wanting people to touch my phone screen. I was worried about grease and germs. Ig they noticed I was more paranoid as well bc they messed with me occasionally. At my work they probably just think I have anxiety or am unhappy or something. Idk though sometimes I’m decently normal so maybe they just think I’m just shy or miserable. Ig some of those things are true on top of the ocd. Also I get asked by people if I’m ok and get told to smile probably more than what’s normal.
  10. @BM94 @PolarBear Thank you!! Sorry one more question, yesterday I had a small space heater on and I left my room briefly with it still on. Irresponsible I know. Then when I went back I noticed my dog had gone in my room and seemed a bit avoidant of the heater so I’m thinking maybe she burned herself on it and it does get really hot. She’d walk past it no problem but if I held it towards her she backed up. I feel guilty now for testing like that it might have been scary for her. I only did it to try and determine if she got burned but still. I didn’t see any burns on her nose and I ran my hands near her paws and nose to see if there was any pain but she seemed fine I think. Not really sure though, seemed relaxed for the most part but at one point she closed her mouth and didn’t have that relaxed look on her face. Also I could have been more thorough checking it’s just I started getting intrusive thoughts. I’ve unplugged the heater since so nothing like this happens again and today I put a treat on it to see if she would be too afraid to eat it. She wasn’t and seems fine but my mind is telling what if she has a burn somewhere I can’t see or tell? I’ve heard dogs sometimes don’t show pain unless it hurts them a lot so I worry if I need to do something or see a vet? I checked her nose again with bright light and now I seems like there’s a slightly lighter part on her black nose and I’m wondering if that’s a burn. I did touch her nose prior to see if there was pain but she seemed ok? I don’t think she likes it when I put my hand on her nose but I can’t tell if she’s being finicky or if there’s some pain.
  11. Hello all, I’ve been wondering if there’s any way to tell real worries from ocd. Recently I’ve been stressed about any foods or anything that could potentially be toxic to dogs. If I eat something that has cocoa in it or any chocolate I start worrying that I’ve dropped a piece or some crumbs somewhere and that my dog will eat it and become ill or worse. Is this a legitimate worry? I feel it is possible that when you’re eating a piece might fall without you noticing. It’s just annoying, I worry about it and wash my hands after having the slightest contact with chocolate. Then after I start scanning the floor for any pieces and clean sometimes if I see any suspicious looking specs. I do have a big dog so I think it’s less likely that she would become ill from a tiny piece but idk.
  12. @dksea Thank you so much. My anxiety has definitely decreased a bit thanks to you and Polar.
  13. What if rumination isn’t always the cause of me convincing myself? What if right after I pet her while having or getting those thoughts I pretty much immediately believe that I’ve done it for the horrible reason and then start ruminating or obsessing trying to figure it out more and remember exactly what I was thinking and feeling after. I have convinced myself of things through rumination as well but sometimes it’s right after an event and then ruminating comes with it after. Does that matter? I can barely even pet my dog or be near her at times. I definitely can’t give her belly rubs anymore either. Thank you Polar appreciate the responses and sorry you had to try and make sense of that.
  14. @PolarBear ok sorry I won’t message anyone. If you or anyone wants to know why I thought I did then I will post. Sorry for being so confusing my anxiety levels are really high and I keep reading what I wrote over and over until it doesn’t make much sense then just giving up and posting. I guess what I was asking is if after a huge ocd spike, for example like one of my previous posts thinking I might be evil or might have done evil, but then actually saying to myself this probably goes beyond ocd and very occasionally actually fully believing that it’s more than ocd and therefore something awful does that mean it’s not just ocd? People don’t seem to actually convince themselves (from what I’ve seen) they just worry which I do too but sometimes I actually convince myself for a while. An example would be if I pet my dog then get the thought I’m doing it for the disgusting reason of my sexual pleasure. Then I actually start believing I did do it for that reason and thus did something terrible. Is that a normal ocd thing where instead of just worrying if you did you’ve actually convinced yourself? Usually after I’ve calmed down it seems like it was more likely ocd but I don’t know if I’ve seen people actually convince themselves of these things. It seems most people just worry about if they did which I do but sometimes I actually convince myself and maybe that means something? I don’t think I’m making any sense sorry.
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