Terriblethoughts

Hello all, it’s been a while. I’m still stuck. Not convinced it’s just ocd at this point. My question is if it isn’t just ocd and is at the very least somewhat real, then is it morally alright for me to try my best to ignore or stop it but still do the stuff I used to anyways? Please give me an honest answer to this. Or do I need to avoid all contact with my mother, dog and brother. I worry I am going sexually enjoy coming into contact with them or touching something they have touched and getting their cells etc on me. This causes me to wash my hands way to much. Maybe it sounds crazy but if it’s real and I enjoy it how wrong is that. What if touch the toilet which their genitals may have touched and enjoyed that? Thanks.

Thanks everyone. I’m not on any meds or seeing a therapist. I was planning to but I put it off and then got too scared it wasn’t ocd. Would rather end it if not. I worry meds would just make me not fear this awful stuff anymore, in a bad way. I realize it’s all probably irrational but there’s a chance. Yeah definitely tired of the hamster wheel. I realize what I need to do to get better but I feel if I ignore completely then I’m allowing this bad stuff. Funny how the contamination worries I used to have don’t bother me much now. They’re nothing compared to this. This same obsession is starting about my mother now. I had a purposeful thought that might not have even been just testing and I feel awful now. More thinking has actually somewhat helped me today with the brother obsession, I’ve come up with reasons when calm this morning but if I don’t keep it in my mind then I worry I’ll forget and the awful things will still happen bc I won’t be keeping it in mind.

Snowbear, I get why you stopped reading but if there’s any posts proving it’s not ocd it’s this one. There’s certain things ocd sufferers don’t doubt that I do. I can’t sleep. I’m at the point where I’m telling myself I’ll off myself if I allow this which would hurt him therefore making it wrong so I can stop this. I pretty damn sure without ocd I never would even have considered this but here I am.

Thank you Amanda and Snowbear, really appreciate it. I did get over the last obsession but this is worse. The last one I’d have some peace after cleaning, now it’s nearly every waking moment and more real. I hate myself, I’ve found more evidence it’s not ocd. You’ll see later on. I was doing ok in the morning ignoring mostly. But later on I was obsessing again because even though it usually feels awful when I test mentally and I think I don’t want to do anything and am not attracted to him, my ocd (hopefully) can make a thought seem like I do. Then I think it should be enough that I don’t want to do it but there’s small doubt about that and then worse there’s doubt that I think it’s even wrong because technically it wouldn’t hurt him. Even though I feel awful. I keep trying to convince my self I don’t think it’s ok, bc he’s my brother and that relationship is not sexual and he trusts that his brother isn’t doing that. But while having these doubts, at dinner time I looked at him or up at least knowing I would probably see him while doubting or maybe even believing that it’s ok or I want to. I might have been saying to ignore though so that might have been why. Sometimes I’m half way in between ignoring and fighting thoughts. But assume the worst. Basically I need to find a way to think of why it’s really really wrong. It certainly feels awful, but then people say “if it doesn’t hurt anyone it’s ok.” So I obsess over this and it makes me worry I’m going to do it because of this and/or that my ocd can put a thought that seems like I enjoy it even though I don’t think I do and it feels awful. Because of the thing at dinner I nearly punched myself calling myself a sick ******* and crying feeling I’ve done something evil to my brother. This is the evidence though on why it’s not ocd. An ocd suffer doesn’t question why it’s wrong or doubt that in any way right? I must have ocd and another illness limiting my ability to clearly see right and wrong. Pedophilia maybe, I’ve heard even the non offenders can convince themselves it’s alright. Even if it is the ocd causing the doubt, the fact it’s there makes me think I should be nowhere near him or any kids. This doubt combined with doubt that I want it I feel could lead to me looking at him or doing a movement for sick reasons. Or just me acting on an impulse because of these doubts and that I’ll technically physically enjoy the act of whatever it is. Or mentally if my mind makes a thought seem like I like it. Since it technically doesn’t hurt them it’s going to slip by my brain’s filter. Maybe it already has with the above and thoughts I get when I’m not super focused on saying no to it and blocking it. It literally feels like I want to think it sometimes and I have keep saying no and fighting it out. How can it just be a thought if it feels real. I just had a thought imagining my brother saying it’s alright to me to fantasize about him, I remember he was being nice once and said it’s alright to me about something else random (not this, not sick) and I connected that memory to this, I fought it immediately and said that’s not even him, it’s wrong, and if he did say that he’s only a kid and he’d just be trying to save me from pain. But maybe for a second I stopped fighting not to allow it just because I had to take a breath but in doing so allowed it for a second or two. Or maybe I just allowed it. Then I started testing well what if him from the future as an adult said it’s ok do it about him as a kid how would I feel then? And I felt like I allowed the thought for a couple seconds or enjoyed it idk which. I think it felt I was at first or could until it felt terrible. I wasn’t trying to enjoy it and tried not to but I guess it’s too hard to keep it in mind not to when you thinking of it. I was only trying to figure this out to find out who I am but if for a couple seconds it seemed like I might like the idea then wtf. Or maybe I enjoyed it idk can’t remember properly. What am I supposed to do now if I’ve enjoyed it and it wasn’t ocd, I feel awful. I think this all proves I’m not just ocd. I guess people can have ocd and be sick. I wish I could just go with that it feels wrong and awful but I can’t. No doubts about it being wrong or not can exist. Please tell me why exactly it’s wrong bc I keep arguing why it is and then I find a way to say it’s not. “Technically it wouldn’t hurt them”. Over and over I imagine as if I’d done it and I feel terrible but it’s not enough.

The in-line responses were very helpful thank you. Sorry for posting again, I’m trying to understand all of this and just feel so guilty and awful. Feel free not to respond, as another poster said I’m aware people have there own things to be doing. I’ve been trying to ignore but I cannot get over the worry of me anxiously or impulsively moving my legs (which would move my groin) to the thought of my brother, either without thinking about it or worse on purpose because I keep worrying and trying not to. Or that if I ignore it then I’ll end up doing it because I won’t be paying attention. Or I’ll be ignoring but anxiety still there which will make me do it bc I won’t be on guard when ignoring. Or when I believe that it’s just ocd and am calm I’ll just do it probably without thinking. Honestly it may already have happened, it wasn’t like I planned it out but a couple times my leg may have moved very slightly with the thought in my head. And once I was feeling sorry for myself and I think I maybe moved it slightly. But not really really on purpose because I was imagining the me feeling sorry for myself in my mind and doing it but kind of not at the same time if that makes any sense. To be safe assume I felt bad for myself and then moved it anyways slightly with that thought of doing it on purpose to my brother. I know you said thoughts and movements etc have no meaning, but I can’t see how if I think I’m going to move my leg to the thought of my brother or for a sick reason or pleasure then do it, how can it still be ocd? I think I’ve lost control and of my body and mind somewhat. I know I’m not going to walk over and do something sick but this stuff feels impossible to control. I think I may have done it on purpose now too, after writing the above out I was thinking maybe even if I did this it’s still ocd as it’s not me really trying to do it or actively think it. So then it feels like I am actively purposely trying to. I moved my legs away but every time I stopped it felt like I was doing it. Or maybe I was slightly moving it the other way. Again to be safe, let’s assume I slightly moved them on purpose to that thought bc I might have. Even if it’s ocd causing this I can’t see me doing a physical movement on purpose for disgusting reasons can be ignored. My mind was wandering and had the thought that I was a pedo and I can’t control the way I feel and I was focused on a slight groinal feeling from sitting down thinking I can’t help but enjoy it. So basically for some seconds I agreed that I was a p and accepted or allowed the groin feeling, completely sick. After I realized it I was saying no to it but it already happened. I’ve also now realized the irrationality that I only worry about my legs, it goes for thoughts and purposely enjoying them and groinal sensations etc too. I worry that since it technically wouldn’t hurt my brother or dog if I were to purposely do these things, my ocd brain will say since technically you might physically enjoy the act of closing legs together or because your ocd brain can make it seem like you do mentally enjoy them, even though when u think about it you feel awful, you’re just going to impulsively do it bc technically you wouldn’t hurt them, or at least have a thought of enjoyment which would be a true one because of the above. It also says stuff like since technically you like skin to skin contact of another human being that I’d enjoy thinking this about my brother in this way in a sick way. While typing this out these thoughts seemed kind of real, I was saying no to them but I had them and maybe partially allowed it. I THINK it was only to try and think that I don’t actually though which requires having these thoughts and because I was writing this out they were in my mind while I was focused on writing. I hate how it connects these things and when I test if I could really purposely do this it feels awful yet like I’m really doing it for a second (slightly leg movements or thinking the thought as if I enjoy it) so I feel guilty. Sorry for writing an essay every time I post. If you think I’m sick don’t be afraid to say it, I don’t want to do anything bad or hurt anyone especially the people I care about the most.

I’m sorry for posting again, especially when they’re so long and I said I would try not too. I just don’t know what to do. I was doing ok for a bit with ignoring but then I got the worry that I’d move my legs or think a sick thought and enjoyment truly on purpose and not just a random thought. To counter the movement worry I purposely moved them with the bad thought in mind and bad intentions that it was to enjoy it. Is this sick? Am I supposed to do this as exposure, it feels very wrong. It’s different then just purposely thinking it I guess. I kept getting the thought that’s saying I’m going to purposely think it and move to it or maybe I have already a bit and my leg twitches to it. Then I thought this is ocd, as long as I don’t really do it on purpose then it’s just ocd. Of course right after I get a thought that’s seems like I’m really doing and thinking it on purpose and my legs move slightly. I’m constantly trying to make sure I’m not doing it on purpose. Like as if I was going to going to say to myself I’m going to pleasure myself to him by thinking of him move my legs for that reason. Every breath I take I say to myself I’m not and focus that. I fear that since my worries are kind of self fulfilling then I’m going to have a thought I purposely think and/or purposely move. Even if it’s ocd that causes me to have a thought on purpose, purposely thinking for sick reasons for real, and I do it, the fact that I did it would be sick right? I’m basically worried it’s not going to be a random though my in my mind but me actually trying to think it and then acting. My own purposeful thought. I already felt the thought starting for a second a couple times but I stopped it. I don’t see how I can ignore this bc if not it’s most likely going to happen. It feels like there’s a loaded gun to my head that at any moment I’ll make go off on purpose even thought I don’t want to. I have an anxious urge to think it on purpose sometimes There’s one more thing I’m worried about now. I ruminated on something and convinced myself I had purposely thought something bad and purposely enjoyed it or thought it. I don’t think I did now but after I convinced myself I felt so depressed that for a second or two I think I purposely thought a horrible thought of my brothers face and the feeling of enjoyment or allowed them idk which. I then thought just bc you feel like **** doesn’t mean you can do that so I pushed it out or stopped. Thanks very much and sorry for using so much of your time.

@PolarBear @snowbear Thanks so much!! Sorry to keep posting, I know it’s probably repetitive and gets annoying eventually. I’ll try not to post for a while after this as I know reassurance seeking is no good, but I tried to ignore (not actively like before), and then ended up getting the thought that moving my leg was sexual and then I just moved it slightly anyways. I can’t help feel I’ve acted out now. Then worse, after that set me off I was thinking could I really move my legs for that reason on purpose? I guess it might have been testing I can’t remember. I was doing it as if it was real though so it’s still sick even IF it was testing. I moved them apart but at first I’m worried I slightly moved them inwards. How could I do that? I’m not even sure I did but maybe a tiny bit. Or I just got the thought I was and relaxed them for a second. Also I may have been somehow calm too not anxious like I should’ve been. Then I ruminated on this and tried to remember it. When remembering, my legs were moving slightly and since I was trying to remember in a way that it was real before bc that’s what I’m worried about, my legs moved bc of the memory I was trying to remember of really moving them. So I acted here. I was worried about this happening too but I still tried to remember anyways.

I keep feeling really doubtful and as if it’s not ocd but real. Even if it’s not real but I feel like it is or believe it for a moment and then moved my legs wouldn’t that be sick of me? I don’t know how to prevent this because I can’t keep reminding myself over and over that he’s my brother and it’s my dog and it’s not how I feel. I have to think of brotherly love (not sick) feelings I guess you could say which calms me a moment and then I start feeling/believing it’s sick again or am calm about it which causes anxiety bc it feels then like I am ok with it and acting on it. How can I move if it’s real like this? I’ve sat legs apart slightly for an hour now. My obsession a minute after writing the above has pretty much become a self fulfilling prophecy. I was worried I would get anxiety and then believe it’s real not ocd and then move my legs slightly anyways. Which after I thought that I did it. I got anxiety about this and had my legs from pushing them outwards away from each other to not for a second. Earlier I think I did actually move them slightly as well. Does this mean I’m sick as it’s a physical movement I acted on which I should be able to control?

This has now evolved to me needing to keep in my mind the feeling that I really don’t want or like these things. But it’s impossible to keep thinking this constantly. When I stop it just feels like maybe I am ok with thoughts or enjoying slightly or am which is scary. I’m also really scared I’m going to get anxious or impulsively or without thinking move my legs together about my brother.

Hi @snowbear, thanks very much for the response. I’ve been trying to ignore but I’m not sure if I am really. I’m keeping it in my mind that I’m ignoring and often telling myself that’s why I’m not reacting when I get a thought or before I do I movement. Otherwise if I just let go and don’t keep it in mind that I’m ignoring it feels wrong to think thoughts and feels real sometimes. I also sometimes feel like I want to think it or an urge to think it, so I’m not sure what to do here. Right now I try to avoid this by telling myself the feeling of wanting to think it on purpose is ocd and that I’m ignoring it. I can often keep them out this way at least ok. But it’s not truly ignoring if I’m still trying not to think it at the same time in a way and always keeping in mind that my intentions are to ignore and that it’s ocd and not me trying to think it? I try to make my mind only focus on what I’m doing and no other thoughts, if they come I push them out by saying it’s ocd and getting into a mental state of ignoring it but not because I’m focusing on ignoring it or not thinking it. Do I allow them if it feels real or that I want to think it? Do I purposely think it to get rid of the anxiety? Sorry I probably made this so confusing and longer than it needed to be.

I finally beat the touching obsession I had, or almost anyways but now the ocd (hopefully) just fixates on other stuff. Every movement I make or feeling in my brain is somehow sexual to thinking about my brother or dog. I breathe, that’s a sick pleasurable action along with the image of my brother or weird feeling in my brain towards my brother. Or I worry about moving my legs together even very slight movements were they aren’t together which would move my genitals to the thought of them. I am trying to take the leap of faith that it’s ocd at least about my brother and dog so I try and ignore thoughts about them and not worry about doing physical movements to them like breathing or moving legs but then it starts feeling like I want to think it or I am going to move my leg or anxiety/doubt builds which leads to me testing to get the right reaction to momentarily reassure myself that I don’t want this or enjoy it. But then sometimes seconds later I’ll be just be worrying again. The testing also causes more worries that it’s wasn’t just testing which takes up my entire day now. I’ll probably be posting some of those worries later ? Any advice is really appreciated.

@PolarBear @ShyGuy Thanks guys, I was finally able to beat this obsession. Well, not completely but I’ve made massive progress. I didn’t end up enjoying it at all until I actually noticed I wasn’t and thought wait oh I haven’t enjoyed it and then of course it kind of felt like I did if I’m remembering correctly but I’m treating it as ocd. Even if I was a p how could I have randomly started liking my brother? But now after a couple days of feeling kind of ok again, I’m having a new issue with different thoughts that just seem real and like I enjoy them in a way. It’s different than before, since I’m trying to treat it as ocd there’s less or maybe no anxiety but then I still think them and they feel real and like I want to think them. So I think I need to have more anxiety to prevent it as much as I can. It’s not like I’m trying to think them or enjoy them but they are there very often and when I say “it’s just ocd” to myself it almost never goes away. It literally seems like my own thoughts that I, on some level want to think sometimes. It’s also really hard to force out of my mind, previously it was hard too but this is worse I think. Or maybe I’m just mentally to tired. Probably both. But then when I test if I could actually try and think them or fantasize on purpose like I would an attractive girl my age I can’t. Maybe that’s just my morals though. Or my fear that if I did that then it would finally prove it’s all true. But to make it more confusing a couple times when I was in that state of mind I was talking about above, I tested to see if in that state or if when my thoughts feel like that, I could enjoy it and I think I could/was briefly but I stopped myself. I think one of those times was me forcing myself to do it and try to enjoy it though to see my reaction. It was also of something ridiculous, an ant (I was watching ant man). The other time though wasn’t something ridiculous and don’t think I was forcing. The only thing I’m holding on to is that I said no to it quickly, not sure if right away tho. And that testing in that way is maybe different than normal and different than actually trying to enjoy it. Also I’m only doing it to find answers I think. It’s just hard because it’s convincing me it’s all real and that I want to think it on some level. Sorry for my super long posts and thanks again.

Hi all, sorry I haven’t been able to take the advice very well. I’ve pretty much decided that my fears could be true. I’m thinking I might end it all within the next few years. There’s still some stuff I would like to do and have to do otherwise I’d maybe do it sooner. Maybe it’s selfish of me to stay alive longer when I really could be my fears. I keep going over what would be worse, me killing myself which obviously would be horrible for my brother, or if my fears are true and I’m getting a sick pleasure from touching things he has or touching something he will touch. Or other similar things like bumping into him by accident, looking at him, etc. I’ve heard there’s pedophiles who have lived “normal” lives and not offended but are they getting sick pleasure from touching something a kids touched? Or what if they bumped into a kid by accident? If they can’t prevent enjoying that then should they still be locked up? What if I’m a p who also has ocd causing me to enjoy touching things they have touched? One slightly good thing though is I’m less ocd about my dog now. Other than that though things aren’t looking great. Any help is really appreciated.

Hi Anon, I normally don’t give much advice on here since I’m struggling myself, but since nobody’s responded yet I’ll try and help. I’m sure someone really knowledgeable will respond later but for now hope this helps. So what you did might have been pretty shady, but I don’t think you need to continually beat yourself up about it. Especially not years later. Your worrying about “what if she’s sent something and is now terrified it could get out there, significantly affecting her life”, sounds like something I could have written myself - a person with bad ocd. You said you were on meds too, which seems like it really affected you. I know you worry you might have been “mentally all there” and that even if you weren’t it’d still be bad but either way I think it’s time to forgive yourself. Don’t think about it anymore, don’t try to answer the “would I have” questions. You were 18, on meds, and it’s definitely something forgivable. It’s not like you would do it again, people make mistakes. Let it go. This probably won’t help you and I want you to focus more on what I said above, but I’d doubt they sent you anything after not getting any money for choosing the option. Hope this helped, as I said though I’m really struggling so take my advice with that in mind. I’m sure someone else more knowledgeable and in a better position to give advice will respond soon. Wishing you well.