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  1. One of my obsessions used to be that my hair was going to fall out. I don't know where this came from as my hair is healthy but I would spend hours studying it in the mirror, counting how many hairs came out when washing my hair, googling different things. My obsession got so bad I actually got my shoulder length hair cut into an extremely short pixie cut because I was convinced it was going to fall out and I figured it would be less noticeable if it was really short. That was 4 years ago and it's grown back now and I no longer suffer from this obsession but plenty others have taken its place instead! What I have realised over the years is that the actual topic of the obsession is irrelevant - the physical sensations that accompany them are the same for me whether I'm worrying about my hair falling out or I'm worrying that I might have killed someone and blocked it from my memory.
  2. I'm glad things are improving for you. I just want to get back to enjoying life instead of feeling like there's a big cloud following me around tainting everything. One thing I struggle with is the thought "what if it's not OCD?" Sometimes I think what if I'm getting these thoughts because I have a guilty conscience and it's not OCD? Ugh, wouldn't it be amazing if you could just switch your thoughts off? Even for a day.
  3. Thank you both for your replies. It's frustrating because I know what I need to do but it's just being able to take that leap of faith and trust that this is just OCD and I'm not some secret psychopath. When I am really bad I can spend up to 7 hours a day going over and over the thought trying to make sense of it, looking for evidence, reassuring myself, it takes over my life. My sleep suffers, my work suffers, I can't enjoy anything - it's a miserable existence. IrishOCD have you been able to overcome this? Do the thoughts still bother you or are you able to dismiss them?
  4. I'm really struggling with a stuck thought at the minute. All my obsessions revolve around being a bad person and causing harm to people either deliberately or inadvertently. My past obsessions have included: "what if I passed a horrible illness into my friends baby and the baby gets seriously ill or dies?" "What if I committed a crime and blocked it from my memory?" "What if I accidentally ran someone over and didn't notice?" Usually eventually I am able to reason my way out of the thought by accepting that it's unlikely that I would have no memory of committing a crime and that I'm a good person so I would be against my nature to do something bad. Once I manage to overcome a thought through logic my mind just throws up another one for me to obsess over and this latest one has me stuck. The latest one is: "what if I committed a crime when I was drunk?" When I was a teenager and in my early 20's (I'm 39 now) I would go out partying every weekend and quite often drink to excess and sometimes there would be gaps in my memory of nights where I had been drinking. This never bothered me at the time, in fact my friends and I used to laugh about it at the time. Well now my mind is saying: "what if on one of those nights you can't remember everything that happened you did something terrible or hurt someone?" I can't reason the thought away with the usual response which is "it's unlikely I would do something bad and have no memory" as if I had been drinking heavily it's feasible that I might not remember. I also can't use "It would go against my nature to do something bad" as when I've been drinking I have done things out of character and things I usually wouldn't do sober due to alcohol lowering my inhibitions so my mind is telling me you can't say you know for sure you wouldn't act out of character when you are drunk so now the thought has me stuck. I know that I should leave the thought alone and just be ok with uncertainty but how can you be at peace with not knowing if you did something terrible or not? Does anyone who has been through similar obsessions have any advice? Will I ever get to a place where my mind doesn't throw up these thoughts or is it something I'm going to have to just learn to deal with? I no longer drink and haven't done for years because of the way it affects my mental health.
  5. I pay for a prepayment certificate, just over £10 a month for unlimited prescriptions.
  6. Prescriptions are free in Scotland. I only know because my family live there 🙂
  7. I've been watching a lot of YouTube videos by sufferers and ex-sufferers which I find helpful. Chrissie Hodges has some really good insights. I just find it hard taking that initial leap of faith - my brain keeps saying "well what if this is the one time it's not OCD and it is true?" and I find it hard to let go.
  8. How do you get to that place? Is it just not giving the thoughts your attention and not ruminating?
  9. Yeah it does. I know what you mean, sometimes it's about having perspective. If your worst fear came true would it ruin your life? Probably not but you always perceive it will which keeps the fear and worry going. I saw a post on Instagram that really resonated with me, it said "99% of the harm is caused in your head by you and your thoughts, 1% of the harm is caused by reality, what actually happens and the outcome. Most of the time the problem isn't the problem. The way you think about the problem is". It's so true.
  10. I've just realised I said my OCD symptoms only started within the last year but my wedding was 4 years ago. I guess they have been creeping up on me for longer than I thought. 🤔
  11. With most of my obsessions I am eventually able to reason my way out of them, ie by accepting that it's unlikely that I would do something bad and have no memory of it but then my mind throws up scenarios where it could happen and the 2 I get stuck on are the thought that I don't remember because I was drunk at the time or I don't remember because it happened when I was a kid and I don't remember because it was so long ago. I try and tell myself that even if I did something terrible while drunk it's still unlikely that I would have zero memory of it. I mean your memory can be patchy when you're drunk but is it likely that you would have no inkling at all of having done this terrible thing the next day when you woke up? When I got married, the night before the wedding my sister in law (brothers wife) and I were sharing a room and I don't usually drink much these days but I'd had 3 glasses of wine and I would say I was "tipsy". Anyway, this is the reason why I don't drink anymore. When I woke up the next day (my wedding day) my first thought was "gosh I was a bit tipsy last night, I hope I didn't say or do anything I shouldn't have". So then I started trying to remember what we had been taking about and a thought popped into my head that I told my sister in law my mum didn't like her. I felt such a jolt of panic - could I really have done that? The more I thought about it the more I could imagine it and the more I convinced myself it was true. My mum and sister in law get on but they have had their moments over the years. This thought plagued me for months. I was thinking about it on my wedding day, I was thinking about it on honeymoon. I became convinced that my sister in law was going to tell my brother what I said and he was going to tell my mum and I was going to cause a big family rift and everyone was going to hate me. I became obsessed, I would spend hours every day going over and over it in my head, it was constantly there in the back of my mind. When I spoke to my sister in law on the phone, if she was a bit quiet I would think: "this is it, she's getting ready to tell everyone". This went on for around 6 months before I finally got to a place where I could see that this hadn't actually happened but what a waste of time! I went through 6 months of mental torture for nothing. This is what I find so frustrating. Everytime it happens I tell myself I'm not going to let it happen again but then when it does I can't see the thought as just an intrusive thought - at the time it feels real and this is what I struggle with. I guess this is where the leap of faith come in. I have to act as if I know the thought isn't real even though it feels like it is.
  12. My intrusive thoughts are all about things I "might have" done in the past. I am terrified at the thought I might have caused harm to someone in the past either indirectly or deliberately. When I was a teenager and in my early 20's like a lot of people I used to go out partying every weekend and would quite often drink to excess and I get irrational thoughts that maybe one time when I was drunk I might have done something completely out of character and committed a crime that I don't remember. It sounds crazy but it genuinely feels like this could have happened and the more I try to examine my memories for such an occasion the worse I feel. I feel like I have to be 100% sure this didn't happen before I can move on with my life as I could never live with myself if I had done something. How can you be 100% certain though? You can't remember something that didn't happen. Then I think why am I getting these thoughts if it's not true? Maybe it's my subconscious telling me I did do this. It's exhausting and terrifying.
  13. Caramoole can I ask, if you start resisting the compulsion to ruminate will you eventually get to a place where you will see that the thoughts are nonsense? I can't bear the thought of always wondering if they might be true.
  14. You might find this one helpful, I did
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