Never-ending

Seems so impossible to get into a unit for ocd it’s so strict. The hospital said they can’t even push for it, it has to be my community team who are lacking. Yes please feel free to PM me, any info is helpful!

That’s literally what this bathroom/toilet is! Nightmare. Only has half a door to the room too

Thank you, I appreciate that. I’m going to take it one step at a time. If anything it’s perspective as it’s not actually that nice here, the rooms are all anti ligature so the shower head literally faces the toilet and is half a meter away! Now my shower at home seems like a dream...

Thank you. I went to A&E who referred me to the crisis team who decided to put me in the acute hospital to get me back on meds. The thing is this is literally just one big exposure- I understand what you went through I’m having those same problems here and they don’t give therapy for it. They’re reintroducing my ssri and keeping me on anxiety medication but the meeting with the consultant wasn’t great- they can’t refer me to a unit but they can push my community team to and it gives my case more weight. It’s kind of counter productive being in here but unfortunately my family needed a break from me so I can’t go home right now as they find my ocd too hard. So hoping the meds with ease this particular low point I got to and then increase doses to make therapy I will hopefully receive easier to engage with. It’s all a bit complicated and sucks when you know you’re impacting your family but can’t make ocd disappear

So update - I’m in a psychiatric hospital. I needed to be stabilised with meds however they themselves have admitted that don’t have the resources to deal with my level of ocd. It’s not an ocd unit. I was distressed and felt as though I’m this state especially, being here with kitchen group cooking as just one example it’s all my exposure fears at once with no therapy so felt counterproductive as I haven’t managed to eat here either other than from the vending machine. They sectioned me for 72 hours bevause I was distressed but today they just rescinded that as I’ll meet a consultant Monday who may be able to help with referrals to an ocd unit. Does anyone have any advice on coping going home? In perpesective home seems so much safer than here which is good but I left home rapidly with ‘issues’ I hadn’t fixed so I will have general things to do such as washing clothes to get back to a routine. The meds will take the edge off the extreme anxiety I’ve had and therefore why I become unable to function but how do I do this in a way that doesn’t look like I’m having a breakdown to my family again. you can’t quit ocd instantly, I will have behaviours still but on meds they will be easier to work with on ignoring or letting go of thoughts, to then start cbt waiting for a unit. struggking in hospital though with this level of being unable to touch things! just wanted to chat if anyone was available or had a similar experience. Thanks

@Hal thanks I’ll contact him!

Also it’s the extremely high standards we set ourselves that causes this cycle- at one time I shared things with others and had people touching my things not knowing when they’d last washed their hands etc. For me my room and things are now almost some sacred safe space that has to be sterile and that’s the trap, because now I can’t tolerate anything less. Interestingly in a situation like yours I feel less anxiety touching things or being in other rooms that aren’t mine. The longer we keep things sterile the more impossible it’ll become. Maybe it would help to try think of things you’ve done in the past like staying over at a friends or being in someone else’s space and surviving that, no germs killed you! Ocd is unhelpful perfectionism which is impossible to achieve

Reading this is like looking into my own head- if it provides any comfort, you aren’t alone. I completely get how frustrating/devastating it is when you feel like especially all your things and room are contaminated, feels like there’s no end and no fix. I’m doing my best to ignore pretty much the exact same thing of wanting to wipe everything but it’s exhausting and never ending and will only last till the next ‘mistake’. Let’s be brave and stick a middle finger up to ocd because it’s just robbing you of any time to do something you enjoy, OCD is a manipulative liar- keep repeating that and stay strong!

@dksea sorry I meant ERP, not CBT. I see what you’re saying though, and I know it has to come from me making the effort no matter how hard it is to put these thing into practise till it gets easier. I think withdrawal is messing with my head and I’m not thinking clearly enough, only responding to the anxiety right now. I have read a really good CBT book for ocd, and was in a better headspace to start practicing some of the things I learned. I think I’ll re-read it to break through this anxiety. I’ve added a lot more compulsions since then without even realising, I haven’t been very strong recently and ultimately to get better I know I have to be the one to help myself. Don’t want you to think I’m just expecting a therapist to fix me I’m not

Hi, just reading what you’ve said I get the feeling that maybe it’s your own self-acceptance you’re struggling with that is making you focus on this so much. Like you said, when your ocd was better and you had no fear back when you told them, you must have been more accepting of yourself and therefore found talking about it ok and didn’t think about being judged. you’ve spelt it out for yourself that now you’re going through a bad time, you fear judgment from others and are in this cycle of worrying. I personally let what others think of me carry far too much weight, I shouldn’t care and if someone doesn’t like me and judges me (without actual real reason to as I know I’m not actually a bad person) then me caring about that comes from my own inability to as cliche as it is - love and accept myself. It has to come from you first, you’re uncomfortable and judging yourself for having ocd so you think everyone else is. Try and give yourself a break, remember it’s an illness and not your fault and doesn’t make you any less of a person. Do something nice for yourself. Hope this makes sense/helps a bit.

I agree! I need to do exactly this and have a hobby to help me as I’m at home all the time too. I find that when I can’t think of something, I either read which really helps or get engrossed in a tv series. I havent got the greatest attention span so sometimes tv can just be background noise but when I find something I get into and enjoy it helps amazingly with distracting me and shifting focus! Is there anything you used to do that you could explore more maybe?

I second this. You aren’t alone even if you feel it and I completely understand how you feel when you said you feel like a handful- I always feel this way with my family but I bet they just want you to be well and happy. You are worth it and no matter how long you have been ill for, it’s so easy to blame yourself if you’re not well yet but remember that’s the illness and you didn’t ask for it. If you were given the choice to have this illness you would have said no, so if anything just allow yourself to believe you do deserve good things. You aren’t a write-off. I completely get that feeling but I hope it helps to know what you’re feeling is what I and I’m sure lots others here feel but again it’s the illness not you. I’m not doing great so my advice isn’t great, but I’ve been told on here recently to eat when I don’t feel like it and it does help calm/give some clarity.

@BelAnna I just had a thought as well that I suppose doing normal things for us is so hard because for me anyway, I’m not focusing on doing things that actually bring me joy. Maybe that’s why it’s hard to not give in to compulsions? As they’re things we fear and dislike. I know when I have had the opportunity to do something social I have been stronger and more capable than I thought I was, but I suppose it was because I allowed myself the chance to enjoy it. Also being cooped up at home makes for me personally an environment to be completely ocd as my whole identity but when i was sociable I felt like myself and almost tried to push away the ocd because I was around others and remembering I was out in the world if that makes sense?

@BelAnna hi BelAnna, Thank you for your reply! I have asked for a referral to Bethlem, or Maudsley. Any of them would do at this point. I really don’t want to be an impatient but sometimes I think of how many years this has gone on and know that because my ocd affects all areas of my life, I think I’d need to be doing ERP and CBT daily to push through it. i really appreciate what you said about my jacket and salmonella- I often forget to even think of the realistic perspective. I think a lot of it is re-educating myself on how to do things normally as ocd trains you otherwise. I used to cook chicken all the time and now feel like I don’t remember how I even handled it but it was obviously second nature to me to just do it. I forget that germs literally die which is silly because our planet wouldn’t survive if it was as harmful as I believe! No one is walking around in hazard suits and masks 24/7. I’m living at home and I crave independence badly- it’s horrible knowing you were capable of things before and not now isn’t it! It’s baffling when you cant trust yourself. how are you doing? I hope that you are coping ok and have had a nice weekend!

@PolarBear I am on a waiting list for a CBT therapist but it could be months, and I’ve also requested for the second time to be referred for inpatient treatment. I had CBT a while ago but wasn’t effective as it wasn’t often enough to make any change. Hoping to get some proper help soon, just trying to get by in the meantime