Lizzy

So, I've been wondering for a while whether my spending is compulsive. I've been in that grey zone where a lot of things indicate it's still in the normal range, but also a lot of things indicate there's a cause for concern. I used to be really strict in my spending... I lived on a very low income for a long time and learned to make ends meet and to be very disciplined re spending and re saving money for a rainy day. At that time, if I needed something, but couldn't afford it, I'd simply do without, until I could afford it. Things changed when I got a dog. I love my dog and when there's something that he needs, I refuse to wait until I can (properly) afford it. So, a pattern crept in of "as long as it's an essential need, it's okay to spend money on it". But the definition of "essential need" became very, very fuzzy over time. I moved to a farm a few years ago, and on the farm there's constantly things that we "need". And since my income is better than it used to be, my brain seems to be under the impression that "I have money now, so it's okay to spend it". While I think being poor and constantly having to do without wasn't healthy either, I don't think my current spending habits are good. I've noticed the pattern that I'll be stressed/ worried about something and my brain will come up with the solution "If I buy XYZ then that problem I'm worrying about will be solved." Sometimes that's logically true - if there's a leaky tap/ faucet at home, then buying a new one definitely fixes it. Or if I have a flat tire on my car, the spending money on a new tire is a sensible idea. But my brain seems to apply that logic to just about anything, these days... E.g. if I'm feeling down in the dumps, it's okay to buy a new book, because that book will cheer me up, so my problem of feeling down in the dumps is solved. So, for the past year or so, I've been observing my spending habits and trying to work out "Is this a problem?" and I've finally come to the conclusion that, yes, it is. I've emailed a local addiction support centre, asking for an appointment. But yeah, I'm not sure whether it's more of an addiction or a compulsion or whether there's really even a difference.

Accountability post: This past week, I've been focussed on dealing with Covid fallout in all areas of my life/ societal life. So not really focussing any energy on keeping OCD symptoms and reactions down low. My main compulsion atm seems to be checking the news, which is keeping my brain in a permanent state of alarm, making me feel like I need to check the news more (and so on...) As a way of reducing this, that doesn't feel stressful, I'm going to limit myself as follows: For the first half hour of each hour (so from 9:00 to 9:30 am, for example) I will ban myself from checking any news/ media re Covid. In the second half of each hour (eg 9:30 to 10:00 am) I'll allow myself to check the news. Just by reducing it by 50%, I'll get my brain to calm and settle down a bit.

Accountability post: In recent days, my OCD has focussed more on Corona virus issues, rather than on my usual/ previous issues. Not so much contamination/ cleanliness OCD obsessions. Rather, focussing on issues like can I keep the animals on our farm fed and safe? And this has turned into my usual obsession of "I'm not doing enough" which means I am constantly "doing something" and not taking any breaks. Or, rather, I'm taking brief breaks when I'm exhausted, but the continue working again straight away. I'm not actually resting or having leisure time or doing self-care. Which is not healthy. My brain thinks I have to "do my best" to deal with the current situation (Corona virus) and only if I "do my best" then I can be free of feelings of guilt, if anything negative happens, because I can honestly say that I did my best. But "doing my best" leaves a lot of room for interpretation. If I'm working all day, and taking no breaks, is that "my best"? Or should I get up earlier in the morning and forgo some hours of sleep to do more? Because more = better = doing my best? These are OCD logic loops and they're not helpful. I need to again focus on "am I doing a healthy amount"? Currently, I think the answer is no, because I am doing too much. I should be obsessing less and I should be engaging less in the compulsion to "do more".

Great summary I especially liked the "survival tips" that it linked to: https://www.ocduk.org/ocd-and-coronavirus-survival-tips/ My brain has been pleasantly calm about the Covid outbreak so far. I don't have cleaning/ contamination obsessions, so I'm grateful to have felt no impact there. I've also not been overly worried about the virus, because although I think it's very serious (mostly in regard to hospital capacities being overwhelmed), I'm also able to understand the science of a viral outbreak and am letting myself be guided by that. However, on Monday I had a weird experience that has rattled my brain. I live on a farm with a friend and we wanted to buy a fridge because one of our fridges broke on the weekend. Anyway, we got to the store and it was "closed to the general public due to Corona virus" but had a notice that you could ring to make individual appointments if you wanted to buy something. So we called the number and it was a confusing conversation, because the owner said that individual appointments weren't possible either, but that he would make an exception. We ended up being able to buy a fridge and as we were speaking to the owner, he explained that he had closed the shop because of "the new law". We asked him what he meant, because there had been nothing in the news about it. And he said that his wife worked for the regional government and that a law was being passed to close all shops other than supermarkets and pharmacies and that it would be in the media soon. It was a very muddled conversation and my friend and I immediately started brainstorming what things we would need to buy, before the shops shut. Our main concern was getting supplies for the animals on the farm. Later that day, information about the new law did appear in the media and it was not as extreme as the shop owner had said. Most stores have been closed, but supermarkets, pharmacies, pet/ animal feed stores, building supplies/ farm supplies stores are still open. But somehow, that experience of "a sudden new law" and finding out about it from an internal source before it took effect, and rushing around stores getting essential supplies for the farm... Somehow that has made my brain feel anxious and stressed and has left me over-focussing (worrying, ruminating, checking, obsessing) about the Covid situation. I'm so annoyed, because I was doing so well with it, before this stupid experience. Now I'm going to have to start following OCD protocols about not worrying, ruminating, checking and obsessing, to give my brain the chance to settle down again.

Accountability post: Still struggling with being able to prioritise things and working out what I need to do (actual tasks important to life functioning) and what are imaginary OCD tasks that feel "very urgent" but aren't. For example an actual important life task = completing my overdue tax return. An imaginary OCD task that feels very urgent = have to make sure I've replied to everyone's emails. Often, my brain is literally unable to tell the difference... or my brain may be screaming much louder about the OCD task compared to the real life task (where my brain may be yelling "avoid avoid avoid"). I'm aware it's totally possible to work through these things, analyse them, resist doing compulsions, stop avoiding, etc etc. In practice, it takes huge amounts of energy, is very draining and sometimes feels endless, because some days OCD thoughts are coming at me a mile a mintue and sometimes they're so hard to distinguish from other "truly urgent" issues. Stupid brain, stupid OCD.

Accountability Post: Feeling a bit better today, but things are still "meh". Trying to take the day off today... it's hard tho... my OCD is going to have a field day with it. What worries me is that it will be low/ medium level most day, and I'll deal with that. And then at some point it will probably spike massively and catch me off guard and then I'll spiral.

How old were you when OCD symptoms started to majorly impact your life? Do you remember what life was like, before OCD? My OCD started during childhood trauma - I think it was a stress reaction. I was about 12. The worst OCD symptoms were between age 14 and 25.

Accountability post: I struggled quite a lot with this yesterday: It hit me pretty hard, how deep this goes and how significant and profound the changes are that I need to make. I think in many ways I'm scared out of my wits to live in the here and now without things like work/ projects to distract me. To really be in the moment and to accept that "this is my life" feels like an impossible task. Even tho that sounds ridiculous, because it should be as easy as breathing. There are so many old, scary, painful emotions that flood up when I try to be in the moment and try to accept that this is my life. I feel like I'm having a mid-life crisis. It's been coming on for a while, but this job loss and the sh*tty circumstances associated with it and the feeling of "what now" have really brought it to the fore. My brain wants to bury all of this in obsessions and compulsions and trying to resist those is as much fun as an addict resisting alcohol or drugs. It hurts, it's scary, I want to scream and run. I know it's a growth opportunity. I know I'm going through a mid-life crisis for a reason. I know if I do this right (courageously, patiently, wisely) then I'll come out of it stronger and happier and more at ease. But it's going to be a frustrating, messy, arduous journey. And I'm so tempted to bail.

Accountability post: So, much of today was okay, but I hit a difficult OCD patch this afternoon. Got really stuck in the thoughts and feelings associated with "I'm not doing enough". And as I thought about how "There is no enough... It will never be enough for OCD" it really hit me how badly this is messing up my life. The thing is, having grown up with childhood trauma, things used to be pretty bad in my life. And I had to fight so hard to overcome all of that. So it was normal to feel like I wasn't doing enough, for things to be okay. Because things weren't okay. But somewhere along the way, that became self-perpetuating. And I would always tell myself that things would get better... Once I had completed therapy. Once I had done vocational training. Once I had a job. Once I was financially secure. I got so used to having to motivate myself with "It will be better one day." Now I'm stuck in an endless loop of that... Where I'm not happy, but tell myself I will be once I've achieved the next set of goals. I used to think I was being motivated and optimistic. Now I think I was chasing something unattainable. As long as my OCD thoughts about "I'm not doing enough" are with me... nothing will ever be enough. I can achieve however many goals... It still won't be enough. My OCD will always find a new reason why it's not enough. When I was going through trauma, it was normal to want to escape "into tomorrow". Because it was obvious that life would be better, once I was grown up and had escaped childhood trauma. But now that I'm grown up and living my own life, if I keep chasing tomorrow, then I will never live in "today". And "today" will never feel like it's enough. OCD will keep shifting the goalposts endlessly and I will run myself ragged, chasing after them. I have no idea if I can accept my life, as it is now, as being enough. It feels utterly impossible. It feels undoable. But I know that's inherent to the nature of OCD, so I'll just have to do the undoable to break free from it. It scares the bleep out of me tho.

Hi Captain Kirk Sorry you are going through a tough time. My symptoms came back after a distressing life event (in my case: bullying at work and job loss) and then being at home on sick leave, too. I guess in both our cases, the distressing event ramped up the OCD symptoms and then by being home all day, there's too little distraction and our brains get lost in OCD symptoms. I agree that it sounds a lot like maladaptive daydreaming. I'm sure that you can beat this. Make a plan, get support and then take it one day at a time. I'm sure we'll both get back to normal soon

So, I think there's 2 different types of social situations re "saying the wrong thing". 1) If we're in a social situation with people we don't know well/ with people in a work setting/ with people who are judgemental/ with people who are mean... then "saying the wrong thing" can feel like a big deal, and can cause issues depending on the situation. 2) Luckily, with people we like and trust, which includes good friends and therapists and people like your doctor, it's okay to get things wrong and then to correct them. With these people, we get a "do over". We can say "What I actually meant to say is......." and often, really valuable conversations ensue from this, leading to deeper understanding on both sides. Maybe you can use this opportunity to work out what you ACTUALLY wanted to say to your Dr? How do you explain your OCD thoughts better? Can you work out the wording/ write it down, so that you can tell your Dr next time "This is how I actually wanted to explain it..." ? Maybe this is a really valuable opportunity to find the right words to explain this complicated OCD stuff that is so hard to express?

Yeah, of course. Opening up to people about OCD is really scary and sets off lots of anxiety. And we all explain things poorly and choose imperfect wording when we are anxious. If your Dr understands OCD, then he would realise all of what you said is "just part of OCD" and yeah, why would he bat an eyelid? He's a Dr, he knows what OCD is like, he knows it's difficult to be honest about it, he knows that the process is messy. Now, instead of allowing OCD to focus on the fallout from the last Dr's appt, can you try focussing on what you will say to your Dr next time? What can you say to him next time that is another step in being more honest and open? What is the next step on the journey of treating your OCD and freeing yourself of it? Don't let the fallout prevent you taking those steps and prevent you being on that journey. What is the next step?

Accountability post: I want to try and change the question "Am I doing enough?" It's an OCD question and the OCD answer is always "No". It's never enough. There is no such thing as "enough". I want to try changing that question to "Am I doing a healthy amount?" That's a much more sane, useful question. That question also contains the awareness that "doing too much" is just as unhelpful as "not doing enough". I don't think it will be an easy pattern to shift. The OCD question "Am I doing enough?" has been hardwired into my brain since childhood. But it is worth a try. The answer to "Am I doing a healthy amount?" is "Yes".

So, I don't know if I'm understanding the situation correctly... apologies, if I'm not. It seems to me that you took a big step in being more open with your doctor about your OCD thoughts. That's a difficult step, but a great step, because that's what will help you do therapy and overcome OCD. The thing is, when you try and fight OCD (for example by talking to a Dr or therapist about it) OCD fights back. My experience is, that OCD often fights back with a vengance, really ramping up the symptoms hugely. Overcoming things like OCD or addictions is really hard... And as you take steps to overcome it, it gets harder before it gets better. So IMO this is a normal reaction to be having... talk to your Dr, be really honest, take steps to beat OCD... and the OCD thoughts go wild. I think it's normal to experience this fallout... and you should prepare yourself for this basically every time you take a step to beat your OCD. The bottom line is: You did really, really well to be more honest and open with your Dr and now you're struggling with the fallout that was to be expected. Try to be kind to yourself and try to stay calm and then do the same thing again, next time you see your Dr: be as honest and open with your Dr about this stuff as possible. As you do therapy and treatment for OCD, remember that in therapy the truth is what sets you free. So well done on being honest with your Dr - that's a big achievement and took a lot of courage - and sorry that you're experiencing the fallout from that at the moment.

Accountability post: I had a relatively quiet day, but got a few things done. Most of the day I was able to deal with OCD thoughts well. This evening the familiar theme of "I haven't done enough" has started up again, quite intensely. It's very convincing... Right now I believe the thought about 90%. Not quite 100%, because I know that it's important for me to get rest and to recover at the moment. But 90% because I don't *feel* like I've "done enough" whatever that is actually supposed to mean. Not enough to have a sense of achievement. Not enough to feel positive about the day or about myself. Not enough to have a good life in future. Not enough, so I will have to try twice as hard and do twice as much tomorrow to make up for it. But it's all OCD rubbish. "Enough" doesn't exist. And there is no "reason" my brain has come up with this OCD thought. It comes up with this OCD thought randomly multiple times a day, every single day of the year. Sometimes the thought is louder, sometimes it's quieter. I shouldn't be engaging with the thought and debating whether it's true or not, nor trying to find evidence to prove or disprove it. I should just accept that my brain is having an OCD moment right now, and I should disengage from the thought and just do something else, something that I enjoy instead. This OCD thought has no value or merit and its content is irrelevant.