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meadowflower

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  1. I was DESPERATE DESPERATE DESPERATE to get some clarity on something my therapist said, which would have been reasurrance seeking. I asked her via email and she didn't give me it. I refrained from asking her again in my session. So I'm left with 'what if she thinks I am a terrible person?' but I'm going to live with it. Because I've decided I know the answer really and also it doesnt matter what she thinks (I mean that in a nice and good way) x
  2. Do you know in all my years of torture over this topic I never thought of that. I have had enough of this hold it's got over me, It's time for me to try to take a leap of faith and give myself some compassion. Thank you very much Saffron
  3. Thank you Howard for your interesting thoughts and perspective for me to consider. I do see intrusive thoughts as coming from my mind but usually I have some level of understanding that they are nonsense.
  4. Thanks Saffron37, you're right, I'm having lots of 'yeah but...' thoughts. Yeah but...I think my situation is differernt because the thing I was contemplating was being suggested to me by others in that situation, them suggesting that I do it. And so it was just closer to actually happening compared to let's say me having an intrusive random thought about pushing someone in front of a train on a crowded platform, for example. Both things didn't happen but one felt close and it has left me feeling this chronic guilt. And yet here I am on an OCD forum. Urgh, It's really hard to take that leap of faith. It's really hard to be kind to myself and give myself the benefit of the doubt. It feels like I can never have self acceptance. But I will try to take your advice and do something nice for myself. A nice day at the beach I think. Thanks again, I appreciate it greatly!
  5. Hello, I wonder if you have any insight you can help me with. I understand intrusive thoughts can pop into anyone's head and are nonsense. I am struggling to overcome a time from my past where I thought about whether I could do something (that was relevent to where I was at the time, so not abstract). And when I say 'thought about' I mean briefly contemplated, entertained the idea, thought about whether it was appropriate or not, weighed it up. I decided that it was not what I wanted and was v. immoral (by my own standards and by societies standards )so there was no action. But when I hear words like 'it's just a thought, you didn't do anything' I can relate it to non-sensical, intrusive, scary thoughts but I can't relate it to something that was an actual contemplation on my part and so I'm feeling incredibly guilty about the thinking about it. And my conclusion is that this makes me a sick person to have ever contemplated. Perhaps I am overthinking this as my memory is hazy and skewing it and adding extra meaning as time and the obsession has gone on but it's difficult to sort my thinking out on this one and it's been dragging on for so long, I'm tired and sad.
  6. That's really hard and I undestand how you feel, it's appalling that people were allowed to get away with this, I expereinced similar growing up. Things can be reported retrospecively if you decide to and have support to. Best wishes x
  7. Ok, I'm about 2 and a half months late replying, (for so many reasons) but have been meaning to get access to the computer for a long while now to write again here. I have only just read these last two messages. Orwell1984 great advice. I'm certainly good at letting some intrusive thoughts simply pass through my mind, thoughts on some topics. Things that are more based in reality i have a problem with but I'm getting better at it. Thanks for your words. Hope you are okay ? Ecomum, I hope you are doing okay. Have you had much success at not giving into to rumination? I think going back to my therapy, the Theory A and Theory B exersise is something I need to get back into. Best wishes both xx
  8. Orwell, thanks too for your reply. The NHS only lists a high temperature and a new continuous cough as the symptoms to watch out for. Difficult to know if I've been careless or not. Its certainly spinning me out and I had had a handle on OCD for the last 10 years. I wake up now thinking this guilt will never ever go away. How are you combating the thoughts? Best wishes
  9. Ecomum, I'm sorry to hear about your similar situation. It's so hard. What are you doing today that's helping you? I'm going to try and do some crafts with my kids. Very happy to chat. Sorry I'm writing in haste now as I don't get much time until the evenings. But thank you for your reply
  10. Hello, I have such strong feelings of hate towards myself not being helped by being cooped up and trying to keep the children entertained and emotionally okay so reaching out here. We haven't left the house for exactly 2 weeks (except my partner getting shopping). On Thursday 12th I had a sore throat and had had a headache for about 3/4 days and slight uncomfortableness in my back area one night (lungs?). I couldn't decide whether to take my sons to playgroup. My instinct was no but my partner thought it was okay as I didn't have what is being said are the 2 main symptoms of Covid 19 (temperature and cough). I hate obsessional thinking styles as I then found I had thought too much about it and it became a mess in my head as both options felt uncomfortable as choices. I said I'll have a shower and if I feel better I will think about going. Then a discussion on Whatsapp started as a friend said she would not be going in to the playgroup because of Coronavirus worries. This was a relief and I instantly replied saying 'Yes, lets not go in to class' decision made. I seems I couldn't make my own decision and needed someone else's influence to do the right thing. My family and I went for a walk later instead and I stopped to ask an old man a question at the bus stop. I had thought that maybe i should not talk to him as should distance myself but instead I overrode that concern and waited a minute while he picked up his bus pass of the floor. I didn't reach down to help him as I worried about passing something on. However I certainly wasn't 2 meters away from him and for some reason didn't decide that my question could wait. The next day we normally go to forest school. Again some umming and ahhing. Forest school is outside but I was worried about being close to people and the lack of facilities to wash hands and the possible sharing of cups during refreshment time. A friend text and asked was I currently staying at home? I was worried that she would judge me as someone who was overreacting to the situation at that time so I replied 'No, not fully, I will go to forest school in the morning if I feel well'. Friday came and I just found the whole thing so confusing in my head that I couldn't decide what to do. I felt somewhat better but decided not to go to forest school. She was asking if we could meet for a play date. I ignored her first call as felt like I couldn't deal with it. She rang again and I agreed to go out to the park with our kids. I took my hand sanitiser. Despite having concerns about whether I should go out feeling slightly under the weather I proceeded to go into 4 shops whilst in town. At the park I wiped my children's noses with a tissue. With the same hand I later picked up a dropped biscuit and handed it to my friend's child with my bare hand. Mid rescuing the biscuit I thought 'oh no this maybe isn't good' but I gave it to her anyway. Two friends tried to hug me upon meeting but I stood back and indicated I wanted to do an elbow to elbow 'shake' or a pretend air hug instead. But then in the park I encouraged my friend's child to come and squish up with us on the slide - absolutely no distancing. Must have forgotten. And did I use my hand sanitiser. No I didnt! ??????? I have spend the best part of 2 weeks since then worrying about my carelessness. I hate myself because I feel I my concern not to look like I was overreacting to a friend was greater than my concern to keep others safe and be a responsible member of the community. (btw i wish we all had overreacted - this is not my concern at all now!) I'm sure I read somewhere around then not to go out if you have symptoms of a cold. I have friends who have been 'socially distancing' for more than 2 weeks (2 and a half weeks), and I cant stop comparing myself to them and worrying as to why I didn't do this if I felt under the weather? So many posts on Facebook about responsibility and not being careless. I don't know where I fit into all this. I don't know why i cant be the type of person who just stands up for their beliefs and my beliefs two and a half weeks ago was that we need to stay in and take it seriously and that the government were not acting quick enough. I'm concerned about the man at the bus stop, I'm concerned about people I was very close to in the shops I went to and another grandad I spoke to in the park, I'm concerned about being close to my friend and her child (who had a grandparent visiting them the next day) and even if I didn't pass anything on, I'm concerned about my personality why I placed any importance whatsoever on not wanting to look like i was overreacting above safety concerns. I hate that!! Another example of this from me is earlier than this, at the beginning of this month I went to a friend's talk and as we greeted each other she said 'Oh do we hug now. is it okay?'. My instant reaction was 'oh she thinks I don't want to hug her because i moved my body away a bit, I must let her know that this isn't the case and i'm not an over-reacter, I wasn't moving away for any reason'....we both hugged. I don't know where these thoughts come from. I wish id had a different reaction. I am fully, fully committed to social distancing, to staying at home, to isolating. As I say I believe the government were too slow. But i just have this awful part of my personality that cares about what people think of me. My partner says that its highly unlikely Coronavirus was in our town then (2 or so weeks ago) and that its just changing so fast and that this is ocd talking as I didn't have coronavirus and we took our son out of nursery a week before they shut so were thinking safely. But now there is the suggestion that it has been in the country for a lot longer than people have thought. And everytime I see an article saying the government should have acted quicker i think I should have acted quicker. I've also seen a post from someone saying they had coronavirus but without the cough! And then of course there are people that are asymptomatic. Sorry this is an essay. I have reached out for some CBT as these thoughts are endlessly swirling. blurghhhhh. Thank you if you read this far. Reading back it seems a huge sign of privilege to be able to have these worries rather than worrying abut my life or that of a family member. Even though this is painful, I know really I am incredibly lucky and this is all rather self indulgent probably. I just hope I haven't been the cause of anyone else's pain. I need to get off social media!
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