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Chris2020

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    Wales

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  1. Hello, The information and help you have all provided has been a massive help, I'm guessing I have taken it as reassurance but I just need to understand this is all ocd. Hopefully this will be my last question. How come this has happened now? I'm 32 and have never experienced this before. I believe I've had OCD since a very young age. It used to take me ages to go to bed, leave the house etc as the checking I had to do was crazy. I would leave for school get to the top of my road only to come back to make sure the outside tap was off. I just to do crazy rituals blinking before I'd go to sleep and had to make sure all doors, light and gas was off. I used to stare at them for minutes to try and register that they were off. It's strange because all this was only present in my parent home, I used to think if I don't do this don't check that it's going to effect them in some way financially or death. I felt I had to be the protector. Anyways since leaving home I still do certain things in my own home but nothing on the level to my parents. This ocd, if it is I could deal with. Yes it was bad and stressful but I could live my life. Now all of a sudden I've got this? How can something like this happen if it never happened before? I take some hope that it is OCD because I knew I had ocd as a child so maybe they could be linked. I've always been a worrier and people say I'm negative, I can't help that. So can this thought just come onto me, scared me to death and changed my life. Can this happen?
  2. I have read alot about false memory where people recall an event from weeks, months years ago but my situation happened there and then. So for me this what happened: 1. I seen this girl from behind, checked her bum out then to realise she was definitely under the age of consent. I had me in my head calling me a P. I'm sure I've probably done this before but I don't know why I reacted this way this particular time. 2.straight after this I Google the legal status of a well known porn website. I don't know why I did this but after doing it I seen the 'word' CP. I frooze and felt like I did something really wrong, I deleted my search history there and then. 3. That day and night I was feeling guilty and upset, I felt a feeling that I've never felt before, a feeling of being a waste of space. That night I recognised this could be ocd and youtube videos of how to ignore these feelings. It was a stange feeling. Then I woke up in the early hours to go to toilet and I thought about that girl I checked out then BANG my first ever panic attack. Since that moment on the thought/feeling I have been left with over a year is that "I've seen/accessed something in relation to CP online". I haven't been able to shake it off, then obviously after this all the research, rumination, reassurance, googling began and still continues. Now I've moved on from that to worrying about the consequences as explained above. So is this still classed as false memory as it was like I said there and then. I know I'm repeating myself but I just feel I need to explain in every detail for you to understand what happened. Thanks
  3. Okay so if this is rumination acd this is ocd, does this mean I am innocent of the thought I've had? I know you probably can't answer that, but to have a strong feeling of guilt, panic, worry, fear over a thought is this the normal for OCD and does it mean that I haven't done what said has been done?
  4. This has really given me a boost. I needed to be told this as I didn't know that by stopping doing the compulsions it will make me not worry about it any more and see it for what it is. I read alot about compulsions. How do I know if my OCD, if it is OCD has compulsions? I've been stuck for over a year now worrying on fear that I have done this horrible thing and accepting it and thinking about what consequences I will have. The thoughts destroy me. So by me coming to this site looking for scenarios just like mine, looking at news articles about P's and their crimes and sentences, constantly asking Google "does ocd make you feel......", researching my phone providers policies on accessing material like that, trying to remeber back a year ago to when this all happened, trying to remeber every detail, creating a wall map of where, when, phone call, picture taken, Skype call, messages etc to work out a time line of what I was doing, trying to eliminate and time to do something like that. When this happened I was away from home with my dad on a weekend trip so I took many pictures and spoke to my partner and mother alot, I needed to get a log of everything. What is rumination in ocd terms? Is it that I'm constantly thinking about it, constantly fearing the worst, constantly fearing my future after being caught (for what I do kit know). Going over how I was feeling before this all happened to try and remember of I was feeling this way but just forgot about it? My life has changed dramatically. I don't want to go out anymore, I've stopped exercising, I've eaten alot more, I'm afraid to make future commitments for example I want to have a conservatory built but I feel I cant commit to this just it case something happens to me and my partner is left with the finacial difficulties. All of this I've explained about, how certain would you say this is OCD? Thanks again both for your response. I will finish this thread soon, as the sooner I do the sooner I can start to try and beat this.
  5. I know and I know that too. It's just doubt and fear always wins. I feel I am too weak to accept uncertainty due to the nature of the worries and fears. I do know though that it is the only way. I just don't understand though how it can get better even by ignoring the thoughts. Yes I could start to get better at some point but then it doesn't mean it isn't true. I don't want to ignore something that could come and bite me in the bum later on down the line so that's why I need to know facts. Such as if I did do what my thoughts tell me would I know by now? I I did do this thing wouldn't I remeber it? I just need for someone to challenge me and make me se sence. I wish I could get professional help, I am on a waiting list with the NHS but due to Covid I think its going to be a long time. I don't know what other channels there are.
  6. I really do appreciate you all for the time you take to educate me on OCD. I really want to ask you your opinions, for example if you did do something wrong, would you remember that thing? I know you won't answer this as it will be seen as reassurance. I have no evidence that I have done something but also no evidence that I haven't. I remeber when this feeling came, I wasn't as bad as I was now and then the panic attack came. From then I've been in this state of panic and yes I've probably made it worse as once this happened, I googled, googled, tried to remeber, had a timeline on paper of where and what I was doing, phone call logs, Skype, etc. This was for me, trying to remeber what, and where I was to try and eliminate having time to do such a thing. What makes me sick to my stomach is when I see newspaper reading or social media shares of true P's and how they are hated by society and rightly so. When I see this, I think that could be me and then I go into a state of panic. I need to read something on here about ocd and this calms me down. When I see these articles or social media posts imakes me feel as if that were me, why am I thinking like this if I haven't done anything. My mind has made me feel like guilty man and I believe this. My rational side is loosing this battle to try and make me believe in myself. I know there is no other suggestions to get over this other than to go with it but it's so hard when I think of how my life could be destroyed and all that comes with it. It's really, really hard to dismiss this sort of OCD as it's the worst or the worst. Thanks again
  7. But is it normal to be thinking the way I'm thinking, like accepting I have done something and thinking about the consequences? I'm not just at the initial thought, I'm having thoughts about it being true and how my life is going to go. This makes me doubts its ocd as I feel I've accepted it as true. I read alot about other people woth OCD but they are fixated on the initial thought. To sum it up I feel like this is not Ocd because I've accepted I've done something terrible but don't remeber it.
  8. Hello again Polarbear, Why can I not dismiss the fact that I haven't done anything wrong, why am I feeling this way? Why do I have this horrible feeling that I have but no memory. If it wasn't true surely I wouldn't be feeling like this. How long will this go on for? I know that's down to me but I just can not let this go. It consumes my mind everyday and I worry. If it wasn't such a taboo area, the worst of the worst sort of speak I feel I could try and move on but this terrifies me. How do I even start to recover? I feel not giving important to the situation is not an option as like I said I very hard to dismiss. I feel I'm waiting for something bad to happen, the police to come etc. I feel like I can not plan ahead in my life and as I say to my partner I might not be here and locked up somewhere, this is the effect it has had on me. All of this worry and fear for something that I have no memory of. I really need to come to this site and post stuff as I find it helps but I know this is a compulsion. I just need to hear reassurance sometimes to the questions I ask and would like someone to give me their opinions on it. Thank you Polarbear
  9. I just feel like I'm forgetting something to be feeling this way. How can one been absolutely fine one minute then your word turned upside down. Id give anything to feel like my old self again. I feel I can't look forward to anything as I have this big black cloud looming over me. What's the chances of actually doing something like that and mot remembering any details of it? Can OCD twist the truth? Can it manipulate? Can it make a thought more than what it is? Can it make something worse than what it is? Sorry for all the questions
  10. Hello, I know I shouldn't come to this site but the thoughts at the moment are getting unbearable. I need to know if thoughts can come from an intrusive thought that was triggered but a real event. Basically a year ago I had a thought that I had access something really taboo online, this was triggered but a real event. I seen the work CP on a Wikipedia page an ever since then I've had this feeling of doubt that I've done sonething more sinister and have actually acsess something illegal online in relation to CP. I don't know how and I don't know what it is but I have this awful gut renching feeling that I have. Its been with me over a year now. When this happened I my first ever panic attach and after that the searching and going over my memory begun. A year on and I've obsessed everyday and now I'm at the point of thinking that they police are going to come and get me and that I'm going to be labeled as a P and loose everything and everyone. It would be my worst possible fear ever. I'd rather be dead. Can I ask, the thoughts I'm getting now can they be the repercussions thoughts that come with the initial thought. For example what I'm really struggling with atm is seeing my daughter. She is only 11 months and my love for her is beyond belief. My thoughts are telling me that she's going to be taken away from me and my partner all because of what I have supposed to have done. They thought of ruining their lives destroys me. Basically I can not dismiss the initial thought because I have the feeling that I have done something. I have no memory or evidence of doing such thing but the feeling of being guilty of a crime is overpowering. Because of this my thought process has believed I could have possible done something and now these are the consequences. Its kind of moved on from the initial thought to others. The thought of loosing them both really upsets me, this is where my mind is at now. I can't cope with these thoughts of loosing them. I cry sometimes when I think about it. It's so overwhelming, but I try and tell myself "Chris it's been over a year now, if you had done something like that wouldn't you have know by now" so them I'm trying to imagine how the police operates and when I see criminals who had done a crime like a year or two ago and only now being caught put all this doubt back into it. It's never ending. I've tried and tried to look for evidence, I've considered hypnotherapy to see if I can recall me doing such a horrible thing, also I've considered going to the police and asking them to check my phone, search history, everything. This I think will only be the way to get certainty.... Or not. Is this normal thinking for OCD for to have gone on for over a year, thinking the same thing day in day out, trying to think back to try and remember if I had done such horrible thing. I understand I'm adding the fuel to the fire but trying to think, I know I need to have the "so what" attitude, but this type of crime is really hard to do that, especially as it draws in my family. I believe my initial thought was an intrusive thought as it was trigger, but is this normal for OCD to like accept it as real and to catastrophize possible horrendous outcomes? When I get these upsetting thoughts about my family that I could loose them how do I cope with these? I feel right now my life is doomed and I don't know what I have done to deserve this as like I've said I have no mental image, video, website of accessing something in relation to that online. I wouldn't even know where to start if I wanted to. All I used is the public Internet g**gle and that's it. This is probably irrelevant to you but to me all these questions such as would g**gle allow CP, would my phone provider allow me to access that etc is my only hope right now as I just can not believe in myself. Okay, I do watch porn now and again but only the one we'll known website PH. I don't delve into anything else. I'm guessing porn doesn't help as this all started because I typed in the legal status of this website and seen that word CP. I hope I've explained this well. Thanks Chris
  11. Thank you Polarbear. I didn't realise this was a compulsion as its makes me worse rather than reassured but I'm guessing the initial thought to think back was reassurance until I remembered how I was feeling. Thank you
  12. Hello, My episode happened over a year ago now and I've been living in fear and awful anxiety since. I am trying to let go of this and get on with my life. I do believe thinks are getting a little better but my question is sometimes I remember back to when it all happened. I try and remeber what emotions I was feeling. I can remeber what my anxiety and worry was like. When I think about this it brings it all back and then I question why was you feeling like that then but not as bad now? It's really hard to explain but I'm trying to feel what I was feeling like when this happened. I question myself then because I'm feeling a little better now and nothing has changed since then why did I feel 100 times worse then? I feel like I'm missing something or forgetting something out. I'm not going to go into my story but the thought I had was "I feel like I've accessed/seen something really taboo online" after this thought an panic attack life has been so different-horrible. I'm afraid to think back to when this happened because it brings all those horrible thoughts and feelings back that I've done something so wrong and I'm going to pay for it. This is really hard to explain but I'm just wondering if anyone understands what I mean. Chris
  13. I'm the opposite, yeh I could probably go for a very long time but psychologically it's not happening for me or her. She knows I'm trying to concentrate and then that frustrates her as she knows I'm not relaxed. To go then 'do it myself' is horrible and I can't imagine how she must feel. I have explained its the medication and she's aware of that but she just gets upset as she feels useless. I'm just wondering what other SSRI are out there that other people use. Thanks
  14. Hello, A different post to what I usually post and this is so embarrassing but we are all humans. I've been taking sertraline for the past year and I jusy can not ejaculate during intercours. This is getting me and my partner down and then we end up having a little argument and crying. I am aware this is a common symptom with the drug. I'm constantly trying to concentrate to do it during sex but nothing. The erection remains erect though throughout. I find once we give up I need to go and finish off either using my imagination or porn. I find this discuting and this upsets my partner and me but I need to do it. If your a man, I'm sure you'll understand where I'm coming from. Sometimes I find doing this hard but I end up with a result. Again I'm sorry for this post but I just want others views on this before I get the courage to call the doctor. Is there an alternative to sertraline? I'm on the UK so anyonenwith any information or advise would be great. My partner understands how I feel but I know deep down how she's feeling. It must be horrible for her. Thanks in advance
  15. Hello, Just a quick question but can a panic attack amplify OCD? I had a thought, I thought and worried about that though and that night I had what I believe was my first ever panic attack. Since that night I've been living in fear that I've done something so taboo. Not going to go into detail as I've done that no end before on previous posts. But has anyone experienced a panic attack with ongoing fear. I've read that panic attacks come and go but for me the panic attack I had led to asking questions, rumination and constant fear and worry. My life hasn't been the same since. Thanks Chris
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