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Chris2020

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  1. Hey Humbleno Just want to say your not alone. I have had this very strong feeling the past year and a half that I have done something really taboo. I dont want to go into detail what it is but like you ive got this horrible feeling I have done this horrible thing but no evidence or memory to back it up. I then try and figure out why I feeling like this, trying to remeber something that really isnt there... Well i hope to god anyway. My advise is not to engage with it otherwise you will end up like me 20 months on stuck in a rabbit hole.
  2. Thanks polar bear but the thing is this isnt a memory. This thing happen then its all went down from there straight after. Because this was new to me and i didnt know why i was feeling like this, yes I did try to figure out why and what did I do straight after it happened. Not long after I was wracking my brains trying to remember if I had done/seen something but nothing. Because i cant find no evidence such as a memory of doing such thing im stuck to why I have these guilty feelings. I've read about real event ocd but I dont want to look into subtypes as its just gets all confusing and worrying so im just labling it all as ocd.
  3. In your experience though how many times have you seen for someones thoughts to be true and it wasnt OCD? I read people have thoughts of doing horrible things and that scares them but I havent read something thinking they have done a horrible thing. Is this possible with OCD to make you actually think you have done something so taboo taking something that nothing to the nornal person and making more than what it is? Can it lead you down a rabbit hole to catastrophic thinking of what your future holds if it were to be true? Can you please just answer me that? I need yo know if this is a trait of OCD as i havent come across someone believing they have done sonething wrong when they actually havent. Why would I have all the feelings to go with a guilty action if I didnt do this thing?
  4. But is this P intrusive thoughts as this has only every happened to me once. I hate saying the words. What I need to know is this normal with OCD? Is my situation ocd related?
  5. Hello, To anyone whos been following my past journey for nearly two years you will know what im talking about. Long story shot but to the point is nearly two years ago i had a very strong intrusive/feeling that I had accessed or seen something in relation to CP (hate saying the word) online. I cant tell you what it is or decribe what it is as I have no mental image etc just a feeling. For example just imagine you know you did something wrong and was waiting to be found out well this is the case with me. I have all the thoughts and feelings of wrong doing but nothing to back it up. Then I question myself well if your are feeling this way then surely you have done something wrong as you wouldnt be feeling all this emotions of fear and worry iof you had not done thins thing? Basically this started when I seen a girl from behind and like a male checked her bum out only then to realise when she turned around that she was young. I dont know who she and it was a breif moment. From there on that moment it felt like I had arrows pointing at me saying I was a P (hate saying that word too). Straight after this moment for the life of me i google the legal status of a well know porn site (PH). This is embarrassing but i need to explain so you understand. When i did this a Wikipedia page came up with a tab reference saying internet and CP. This word did it for me, I panicked, got scare and just felt like I did something so wrong. I even deleted my search history at the time as i didnt want that word anywhere on my phone. Im hoping these two things above explains why im feeling this way but theres a huge part of me saying there is something more and this is not it. From there on the feeling of worry and fear got stronger to the point I didn't feel like who I was anymore. I felt like i did the most horrendous crime. Then that night i then had my first ever panic attack and from there on it felt like the wired in my brain has disconnected. Because i feel that there could be something else I'm not remembering I feel as if the police are coming for me and i don't know what for. I traced all my steps, tried to remember what i was doing at the time, tried making a time map of before and after the events to try and rule out that i have done nothing wrong. Ive searched my phone inside out, looking at all files, images video's, downloads etc I have to make sure there is nothing like that there and there isnt. To top it off because I deleted my search history when I seen that word I cant even go back to check my history to make sure I didn't look and see anything online in relation to that plus I was signed out of google at the time. It hurts me writing this as I feel I'm trying to find evidence that I have when I should just dismiss it straight there as if I did do something like that surely I would know what I did and what I seen. So nearly two years on medication and counselling I feel im getting better but today every time I see a news articles or story about local P's and read comments on how the community hates then and that they don't deserve to live, to drive them out of the community it terrifies me as to think could that be me. I totally understand where they are comming from but a part of me is thinking this could be you soon and everyone will hate you for what you did and you will loose everything including your job, house and child. It then destroys and then I got down the rabbit hole so I've been told. Im sorry to go on on and I hope this doesn't come across like I have done something as I haven't, I got no evidence of doing anything and most of all no memory/image - nothing! Just the feelings as if it was real. So one without the other. Bear in mind this isn't a false memory from years ago as this happened all straight after one another the same day. Not sure if false memories work like that as most I ready is about a memory from sometime ago that pops up. I'm just terrified the police turn up and say have done something and I don't know what it is. Its crazy as all i use is a mobile phone and google for everything so then I need to find out what filters are in place to stop CP on the internet by google and my phone provider to prove I couldn't have done something - its the wrong way of thinking I know but it helps me to prove that I haven't but it doesn't last for long. Ive been told that its all on the dark web - I haven't got a clue and dont know what that is and how to get on it. This reassures me for a bit but the the what ifs pop up. I just can not accept I haven't done anything when I got these guilty feelings saying that I have. If I had done it would I have know about it now by the police? Again wrong way of thinking as it makes me sound guilty but its my only reassurance. Also I've debated to go to the police and ask them to check my phone all over but realise this probably isn't a good thing and they might think I'm crazy. I just don't know what to do. Its so annoying as I though I was getting better as time was going on but seeing that post today about a P just dragged me down. I just hope to God that I haven't done such thing and that all this has stemmed from the word CP and the girl that i checked out. Should I be writing all this in an OCD forum? I know I have OCD but never experience this type before. Just checking, and metal rituals etc. Thanks for listening Thanks for listening.
  6. I will do my very best. I have been doing that lately and it has been working. Just something has pulled me back into worrying lately and I dont want to fall back into that trap. As always thanks PolarBear
  7. Going over and over everything, trying to remeber what I have apparently done, trying to fugure out how the authorities operate to situations like this if it were true, thinking what life is going to be like, what prison is going to be like, loosing everything etc. Its just all gets ontop of me and scares me so much. I then look for answers and some sort of reassurance on the Internet.
  8. Hello I felt as if Inwas getting better. Im bot confident that my situation is ocd. Im stuck on a thought/feeling Ibhave done something such taboo its lead me down a rabbit hole of fear and loosing everything and everyone. Anyway im not sure what my compulsions are. I dont do any rituals to ease the anxiety like some people and I dont mean that to make fun as I understand ocd is a serious matter. All I find my self doing is whenever i think about what couod happen to me if the thought / feeling was true it terrifies me so I start to google things about ocd and when i read something reassuring it helps ease the anxiety. Even coming on here does also. Everthing I do is google everything in relation to ocd and how to prove how I havent done this awful thing but I know I will never find certainty. No some say this is a compulsion but wouldnt the normal person do this? What are the statistics of someone believing they have ocd but then find out they have done this serious thing. I really, really hope to god this is ocd rather than it be true. My only bit of hope is time. I tell myself if i had done this awful thing wouldnt I have been in trouble by now. Not the right way of thinking i know but because it has consumed me for all this time i believe it and then try to prove I havent. Time is my only hope but thats just my head telling me this when in reality it might mean nothing at all. Ive have been getting bettet to the point in thinking "chris I can't beleive youve been feeling like this for nearly two years. Its absolutely ridiculous" is this a good thing? I feel as it is but then i question is it even ocd because i feelnim getting better and sometimes ignoring it. Thanks for listening
  9. Hello just want to know what others experienced when hopefully getting over OCD. For nearly two years now I have been convinced ive done this horrible thing that is so taboo but I cant tell you what it is because i dont know myself. I just had this thought/feeling that Ive done this thing and it went down the rabbit hole from there. Anyways lately I have the hold its had on me feels lile its slipping away. Basically I know i shouldnt say this but I say to myself "so what if I have done this horrible thing" even though I haven't I feel this helps if that makes sense. Im starting to feel a little happier but my guard is still up but not as much. Anyway is this normal? I think because i feel im getting there then it must not have been ocd then that kinds of sets me back. Im hoping it is all ocd but it there's that doubt that it isn't and the thought I had was actually true. Thanks
  10. Thank you all with your replies. It means alot. I have moved on from this now. Im guessing my OCD couldn't hold its grip this time.
  11. Thank you Snowbear. I did think as much but because she just couldn't I thought it must only be me who can imagine anything. Seems thats not the case. I shall move on from this ?
  12. Hello, I havent been here for a while and felt I was getting somewhere with my so called ocd until today with counsellor. Basically im now questioning who I am and if I have actually done what my mind is telling me that I have. Im not going to go into detail about that as ive mentioned it many times before in previous threads. Im trying to write this before my partner finds out. Ive been told be my therapist to avoid coming here along with my partner as they feel im using this site as reassurance. Personally this is partly true but I just need to explaine what happened today. Here goes So we were discussing the feeling that ive had for nearly 2 years and she said "you can probably see/ imaging yourself doing this horrible thing" i said no as there is no memory of actually doing it just the a feeling/thought i have done something wrong but with no detials. I said to her i dont want to imagine it and have avoided imaging me doing this thing as im afraid i will latch onto to it and believe it. Like I said, I got this horrible feeling of doubt and fear but without any memory or details. So basically I dont want to make it up/imagine/visualis in my head just incase i belive that its true. This is a positive for me as having no detials of doing what my mind is telling that ive done is helps me, i dont want to ruin this by imaging it. I hope this makes sense. So this is where it has gone sour for me. I said to her i can imagine/visualise anything. It could be me flying lile superman, me and a plane that is about to crash, me walking through walls... Anything at all i can visualise it. So when I say anything i mean anything whether good, taboo or plain right wrong. She on the other hand couldnt at all and this is where im starting to panic. I ask her to imagine/visualise doing something so wrong and she just couldnt. I gave her a real bad scenario but she just couldn't. Im going straight to the point and im sorry if this upsets anyone but i give her an example of me making up a visualisation in my head of me getting a gun and shooting someone. Its a horrible thing to think I know but I just made it up in my head. I would never on this earth do something or have ever thought of sometime like that but ita easy for me to visualise my self doing something wrong. She couldnt and looked at me which I felt was with concern. Its all in my imagination and is just fairy dust but becuase I can put myself in these visualisations I feel there is something wrong with me. I dont even know if im in the right place here writing this. I was mind blown when she said she couldn't imagine/visualise even though its all pie in the sky and in your head she just couldn't. So why can I? Am i bad person because i can imagine these things even though id never do such thing. Whats wrong with me then? Can anyone relate to what im saying? Am I different just because I can imagine/visualise me doing something so wrong or taboo even though in reality I would never ever do such thing. I need to stress the above point that id never do what I can make up in my head. I dont want people taking this the wrong way but I just feel i was doing so well until today. I hope this makes sense. Any feedback would be much appreciated
  13. Hello havent been here for a while. Ive started therapy with my counsellor and she tells me that its not a good idea to come here all the time. Prior to her telling me this I used to come here all the time and share my story, thoughts feelings and worries. I can see where she is coming from as I do feel this forum can help but it may also start other worries as you may not find the things you are looking for. Anyway she mention a few things to me including the words wise mind and false comfort. I had to google these and false comfort describes what im going through and just wonder if this is ocd? Another thing she told me to do is try and not to be too hard on myself and "give myself permission". This has stuck in my head and whenever i start to think about my worry I need to try and stop and remeber to give myself permission not to ruminate and carry on with my day. How does this sound to you guys? To be totally honest since ive been speaking to her it feels like a big weight has been lifted and feeling better but im afraid as its all over i will revert back. Because im feeling better after seeing her i feel i shouldnt be feeling better this soon so it must not be ocd. Anyone else have this experience. Ta
  14. This might sound crazy but I think im connecting the dots. As the title reads misophonia and misokinesia does anybody have any experience with this. I believe I also have this and have read that it relates to OCD. The reason I know i suffer with misophonia is because I havent slept in the same bedas my partner for the past 5 years. She doesnt snore but heavy breaths and it just turns me into an evil person. I have tried staying in the same bed but im just on edge waitng and anticipating the breathing to start. Im kind of listen out for it and as soon as I hear it no matter how quiet it is that's it. My mind fixates on this sound and i just cant ignore it, it drives me mental and brings anxiety. This is also the same when we sit in the living room together and she scraches a body part, bites nails, smooths her face, any sort of movement that is constant and figiting, i count in my head to 10 and if she hasnt stopped doing it I will tell her to stop or I just leave the room as it drives me mental. Once ive seen it I cant ignore it. I feel bad as i know im the mental one but it does have a big impact on our relationship. Just at wondering if anyone else experience this.
  15. Ultimately you need to stop doing what your doing and just deal with it. I know that sounds harsh but its the only way to improving. Should take you no longer than 15-30 seconds, maybe in your case allow yourself a minute then you must stop and walk away. I understand this will be extremely difficult but this is the only way to overcome it. Personally there is no other advice you can be told to help the situation. What you need to understand is nothing bad is going to happen if you do this, just sit with the uncertainty and things will get better.
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