humbleno1

For 9 years I struggled with ocd stopped living a life, put myself through some bad stuff, unprecedented stuff that normal people dont go through, then I have a reaction to a pharmaceutical that alters my body composition, but it urged me to start living, in the next 2 years, I try to make my symptoms better, and I am life limited in many ways, I couldnt believe this had happened to me, given everything id been through and this was because of ocd, also, all of it came from COMPULSIONS, this whole thing has emasculated me, self harm. Then I have a child, and again I get into a similar situation, so now I have all 3 of these problems, and I just cant overcome it, like I want to give up, I see no hope, no light, I wish Id never brought a child into this world, because I cant look after them, she lives with her mother, but its all just a mess, I lost my job I have no money, and I dont even have the will to better my life anymore, I have too much guilt and depression. I dont even post here for help I just post to vent, Ive never really come into contact with anyone that could really help me, I just feel that all my problems need a time machine to fix, some things never change. I know I come here and post these kinda things alot, but its genuinely how I feel. The best thing I can compare it to is the movie Awakenings, OCD stopped me living a life I mean literally no goals, no jobs for YEARS, no relationships, prime of my life 20's. Then for 2 years albeit with a physical illness, I decide because of my illness Im going to live, because lifes too short, and then just as the movie awakenings OCD, comes back crippling depression and I go back to the sunken state, the catatonic state as depicted in the movie, but for a MOMENT, brief Moments I was happy, I had some joy. Please dont give cliches here, If people reply Ive heard them all before, "It can get better" Yes, maybe it can, but also, it only gets better in this distorted version of what my life is, as to what It SHOULD BE. and thats something I struggle to accept. I just dont know why these things have happened to me, I dont know why I cant find the self assurance that other people have, I dont know why I have to have a problem that questions who I AM, and has lead to me doing stupid things that reinforce the doubts, I dont know why after all that, Im still given other problems by God or fate, or whatever, that I never imagined I would have. It just doesnt seem fair and it makes me want to die, just to spite this world, and everyone that let me down. Im sorry for this negative post but, its just how I feel, and Ive been feeling for a year or so now. I feel like the only thing that might give my life any meaning now is death, Im just tired, im tired of having to fight of having to struggle. Sigh, thanks for reading.

u cant change who people are focus on yourself because others will always let you down.

panic and fear has to be faced the only way over it is through it, i kno it may seem cliche, but overcoming fear is not the absence of fear, its all a trick to keep u trapped.

I think we care too much, most people are pretty callous - it certainly didnt serve me to care so much, infact it made my actions worse or at least the consequences of them, I really sometimes am in true awe of the hurrendousness of this disorder and how it robs us of so much joy in our lives. dont let it rob u of urs.

thats pretty standard theme in ocd, that u didnt tell us everything or maybe weve got the wrong idea or interpretation, its simply not true, but ocd and anxiety will always distort pretty granted things, u have to basically, accept no certainty that u want there, even though its pretty much straightforward, this post is just you seeking reassurance and its only going to keep u in the loop, basically,the sooner u allow for some uncertainty the better, it exists wether u want it to or not.

Ive come to the conclusion that if we can do this, is the only way we can overcome this disorder, anything else is a ritualization. But what an impaired way to look at the world, but how much of ocd is about FORCING for things to be a certain way, to be sure. With more insight can we understand the disorder, but is the disorder really just about RESIGNATION. To be resigned to not knowing,when you strip everything away. Your thoughts.

your not really supposed to differentiate because the need to do that, is the cause of the disorder. If you are trying to "figure out" your emotions as justified, or valid, its just a subtle form of a compulsion basically you really have to be ok with what ever your brain is making you feel, and act only according to your values if you can act this way ocd has no power, in terms of chipping away at it, try to think of any emotion that is anxiety provoking and not coming from a sense of clarity and acceptance, as an ocd worry, but remember this labelling is the problem, you have only truly become absolutely a master of your mind and ocd, when these emotions are handled the same, wether they are "ocd emotions" or "real emotions" because, wrestling with that question is what keeps the disorder alive, all ocd emotions will becoming with a high state of anxiety and some form of doubt, or question, again you ahve to take the risk that because you recognise certain characteristics of emotions you are gonna treat it as "ocd"

try to detach, see it as boring yeh ur there but im gonna ignore u, ive heard it all before.

sometimes too much stuff breaks u down, its too much to bare - its self pity sure but - this thing literally ruined my life and u know what people like it, they like ur life ruined, im tired of living, in all honesty, its too much this isnt fair, this ocd, i know we have a choice but also, it can influence u to do things, this is not a life with ocd, its a half life at the best at times, and at the worst, its a fate worse than death if u ask me.

what i find amaazing is, it causees the things u dont want to be true to come true. its really amazing.

there is no small victories, i know people say everyone think theres is different, MINE IS different, ah theres no point in me positing anyway nothing can change it, and i cant accept it no matter what anyone says, im suicidal so, i hate myself coz i dont have the guts to do it, i pray one day i find the strength to end it, because this just wasnt meant to be this way and i cant live with this.

Does everyones life get worse as time goes on?, or is it just mine, it just seems to get worse and worse, I thought life got better?

It does but, I mean I dont even know if this is ocd anymore, this is just depression and guilt, I could never do a compulsion again Id still feel depression regret guilt shame. OCD is just a state of anxiety.

hey, When I had my original theme still unresolved in my mind, it rears its head from time to time, but something worse in life game along, fear of death, with real health conditions it helped me move past and start living, I never thought that something else ocd related could ever do as much damage as that theme, I literally thought if I could deal with that I could deal with anything and id never get myself in a position like that again, oh how wrong I was. OCD will always find things to latch onto, as your life goes on, it seems to adapt to and evolve, it seems to pop up when we are stressed or when you are grasping for control in life, I mean figuring out the why isnt really important and could actually become an obsession because you are never going to know why fully, and you can get into all kinds of freudian answers. Dont fear relapse I guess, fear is the mind killer, and all fear does is create more fear, but u know I wish I could take my own advice good luck.

alot of situations with ocd cant be resolved so to speak - I wish someone obsessed over me that much when I needed them lol, but no one does probably because its unhealthy, in life unfortunately there is a certain resignation people have to someone making there own choices regardless of support. I think you need to try to resign yourself to knowing you cannot be sure this person isnt going to harm themselves no matter what you do, act according to your values, but dont obsess, easier said than done, but its really your only option.