humbleno1

yeh i always second guess things, but i actually do have memory issues aswell, which obviously my ocd can play on further, i also doubt what im capable of, or my self control, this is like a living hell if u ask me, i dont know what to do right now.

I dont think there is anyway out of this, you literally have to suffer, to overcome this ocd. Im getting trapped because my memory is bad, I dont know whats real and what isnt at times, Its torturous and nobody has any answers the only thing I can assume is that, I am to accept my suffering, and if I accept it it somehow doesnt feel as bad, but still there. This is despairing, its sucking the life out of what little life i have, sigh... the memory issue is a real problem for me because it can twist anything.

So tired of this disorder, gaps in my memory, and worrying ive somehow done horrible things, im so tired and drained, I feel like im going insane, struggling with whats real, tired of compulsions, getting very little support and emotionally stressed everyday, even though ive told people at breaking point.

if u know its ridiculous try to live as if it is....regardless of anything else, u made that statement try to abide by it.

i really dont know what to do tbh, i know i cant remember it and if i do think i can remember something, which i kinda dont, i think im just making it up.

also yes, i agree ive had this but was always able to retrace at least partially a movement, to know this was a complete gap, in what i was doing, almost like a blackout, very weird, scaring me still... , i couldnt even remember what i was actually thinking about. wether i was spiking or not, it was a complete cognitive gap... i have had similar things, for instance i was once on the phone, to someone, a group walked by and asked what time it was, i gave them the time, 2 minutes later, i said to the person on the phone what time is it? the only reassurance i have is i was with my girlfriend, who said i didnt do anything out of the ordinary, and she could see me packing, she said she would have noticed if i did anything strange, so.... but yeh i dunno.

i literally cant remember it i tried.... and it scares me half want to ask the store for the cctv.. but i cant do that. so im just gonna have to live with it...

but there is a point where u remember kinda where u were or where ur at, it IS a complete gap. anyway ive decided to let it go, theres literally **** all i can do about it. still scary tho, ocd always throws me a curveball.

even if i dont ever recall those seconds? kinda scary no

I have short term memory gaps that I usually remember when on autopilot mode, hard to explain basically my intrusive thoughts centre around somehow doing something, subconsciously, but today I was very scared as I literally had an intrusive thought and then had a short term memory gap, and could not remember 3 or 4 seconds what i was doing after just having the thought. The gap was scary in of itself, I couldnt remember what i was thinking a second ago or where i was. now im worried i somehow did the intrusive thought, it literally felt like a time lapse.

Had a very spike filled weekend completely lost in my mind, co-incidental things started happening which creates a worry of validity to the spikes, and unfortunately, I have cognition brain fog issues, which makes insight harder, unfortunately barring just ignoring it all, which is really hard to do, I just dont see alot of hope with this disorder. It has really dawned on me, how much of an illness this really is, no different to someone suffering with a chronic condition such as Alzheimer disease and dementia. Arthritis. Asthma. Cancer. And yes on some level I do think it is that bad. I just posted this to vent, Ive tried pretty much everything never really goes away. Seems like such a cross to bear to be honest amongst other things too. Oh well.

ocd ruined my life, lead to awful decisions and i never became a man from it, i remained a child, a broken soul, that cant function for himself. it lead to me being someone and making choices i never wanted to make. ocd is evil, and can ruin ur life, and it did mine, and it will never go away nor have me living with my decisions that i feel like i never really had much of a choice in even tho i did, but my brain so twisted by ocd, and lost in thinking this is what i want or that is what i want, its unfair ocd, is sick, it makes u sick. sorry this is how i feel now. i have no hope, my life barely worth living, i wish id have died as a baby. good bye.

ironically its not contracting it that worries me, its more of a depression at the way things are going, and feeling no motivation as life is on lockdown, its created a nihilistic like viewpoint.

its really difficult to get on the sick, on universal credit, you have to be presenting with severe anxiety or symptoms, for them to take you seriously, basically they will maybe put your requirements down on looking for a job but that still means you get a standard rate, that jobseekers get which depends on wether you live with parents or have your own place, living as a single person with no housing benefit, you get about 300 pound a month, what happens if you are ill, is they will put you forward for an assessment if they think you cannot even look for work whatsoever, you will fill in a uc50 form, and then they put you forward to the assessment if you are deemed unfit for work you get around 600 as a single person. But you are looking at almost 3-4 months before you get that money. its a long depressing process and if you can work, probably easier to just work.

Every major problem ive ever had came from ocd, and my life has took some weird turns of hardship, health problems, guilt, financial. its just too much, its too much heartache, I know I might sound like a wuss, but I just feel so broken, lost all motivation. I know posting doesnt do much either. I resent this life, I resent this disorder, I resent the lasting consequences ive experienced. im lost, im very depressed, im not actively suicidal but i was just starting to feel okay again for a time. sigh, sorry to post this just dont really know what to do.