Cookiedough

Why do I have the worst luck? That’s 2 triggers in one night. Within the span of a couple hours. How much more suffering can I take? I just want to be good. I just want to have a good life. I’ve been suffering for over 3 years. Although improvement is slow and gradual I get push backs very often. I want to know why I’m enduring this. What crime am I paying the price for? I’m so strong. Why? Because I’m still here. But that’s not a compliment nor an accomplishment. I want my suffering to end. I want it to end. Please. I’m just doing my best and all this stuff happens to me. Why? I have no life and I’m mentally ill. When old friends ask my parents how/what I’m doing…they have to lie. I’m 21. I’m supposed to be in my “prime” but I have no life and I’m mentally ill. I hardly talk to the little friends I do have. We used to talk all the time but ever since they begun uni the regular communication has stopped. I have no proper friendship group. No boyfriend - that’s a whole other issue. No job. My career goals? They feel dead right now. I’m a hermit. I don’t go out. The last time I left the house was 5 weeks ago. I don’t take care of myself. Or when I try something happens to trigger me and I’m back to square one. I’m a lifeless soul inside a moving body. I’m wounded. I’m troubled. I’m lost. I need help. I can’t beat this constant cycle of torture. I want to be saved.

No, I mean going to the toilet as a whole takes about 10 minutes. This includes pushing, wiping and hand washing.

Well if you’ve seen my previous posts you’d know that going to the toilet is a struggle for me as I take a long time in there (30 mins). For the average person, a number 2 takes about 10 minutes, but I’m a lot longer. I’ve pooped in public the past, but it was on rare occasions (plus I didn’t have the issues I have now). If it was an emergency I’d go, but it wasn’t made a habit. I don’t want to have to always use public toilets whenever I’m out of the house.

I don’t know for sure if it’s IBS, but the state of my digestive system has changed over the past year. I’ve been struggling intensely with OCD/anxiety and physical symptoms have appeared: IBS. I know it’s anxiety related because before my mental turmoil I didn’t suffer with this issue. I poop up to 4 times a day. I do not recall having such frequent bowel movements before. I feel the urge to poop about 1 hour after eating a meal (or even a snack) and I hate it. It prohibits me from doing things such as eating out, because I fear Ill need to poop in public (a no no for me). I can only be out of the house for a certain amount of time before my stomach sends me that signal. I can’t even spend a full day out. I wish I only pooped like once a day and that’s it. Does anybody out there struggle with this issue? Overcame it? If so, please share what you did to ease your symptoms.

Thank you for your response. There are 3 stages to using the toilet: doing your business, wiping, hand washing. The parts that take longest for me are part 1 & 2. Sometimes I spend a while pushing because there’s been times where I haven’t completely relieved myself, and end up needing to use bathroom again shortly after just going. For this reason, I may spend perhaps 10 minutes just pushing alone. Secondly, wiping. I wipe until the toilet paper comes back clear. I think wiping takes about another 10 minutes. Then hand washing is about 5 minutes. To achieve 10 minutes in the toilet altogether seems unrealistic at this point. I know 25/30 mins is an improvement from what used to be 1 hour- however I don’t feel like I can be any quicker than that, even though I really want to.

I’ve been trying to just reduce the time, but I’m not getting any quicker. My goal is to be 10 minutes in the toilet (number 2) and in the shower too. I’m kinda lost at this point. Yes I am having weekly sessions with a CBT therapist at the moment. It’s helped a little. I want to know other people’s routines when it comes to wiping after a number 2 so that I can try their methods. Do they just use toilet paper or do they use wipes/bidet? Is using just toilet paper fine?

Thank you for your reply. I don’t have an issue saying words like ‘poop’ or ‘wee’, I only censor them for the comfort of other people. Also, I do recognise the improvement I’ve made even if it isn’t perfect yet. I guess I’m just impatient cuz I’m been suffering for nearly a year, which has felt like an eternity. BTW, I am currently in CBT therapy and taking medication (fluoxetine). I think my biggest issue is wiping after pooping. Idk why it takes so long- even if there isn’t much to wipe. I use toilet paper to wipe, fold it into squares then wipe back and forth until the tissue comes back clean. I’ve heard people online say toilet paper alone isn’t hygienic and how we should we using bidets or at least wipes- even though I was wiping with only toilet paper before my OCD kick started..and I was fine back then. It makes me second guess my hygiene (which is bad since I struggle with Contamination ocd), but at the same time I don’t want to overthink it cuz like I like I’ve been wiping with just toilet paper my whole life. There’s also times where I feel like I drag the toilet paper to high whilst I wipe my ass. I try to stop wiping once I reach the top of my crack, but sometimes go to high and feel paranoid that I’ve now got poop on my lower back. Idk if it’s me or the ocd but that’s another concern: when to stop dragging the toilet paper. Last point, I feel like I can’t get changed with taking a shower. Back in the day, I remember times where I may have skipped a shower for one day, yet I was still able to change out of my pjs and go out (applying deodorant/perfume). However, now I feel like I cannot change my clothes (especially if I’ve pooped during that time), without showering first.

Hello all. Just an update and in need of some tips. I have improved. Unlike months ago, I’ve been consistent with my personal hygiene and I’ve even been leaving the house. I do not take as long in the toilet, however I’m still long for the average person. I used to be 1 hour in the toilet- I’m now 30 minutes. But, that is still way to long. My goal is to be 10 minutes. My issue is number 2s. I honestly don’t know what it is but I can’t seem to be less than half an hour in the toilet whilst doing a number 2. I try to be quick, but I just can’t. I do have a history of excessive wiping and hand washing, although it has been cut down, it’s still not good enough. Help for being quicker in the bathroom?

I understand, however I literally do not remember how I used to use the toilet (before all my issues started). If I did remember, I’d challenge myself to use the toilet the way I used to- but I don’t. I honestly have no clue. I feel stuck as if I now have no choice but to tie my shirt because that’s all I know.

Right, this may sound like a weird question. When using the toilet, how do you undress yourself before sitting on it? Do you pull your pants down then lift your shirt up? How do you hold your shirt without it falling into your lap? Do you use one hand to hold the shirt and the other to wipe yourself? Do you not hold your shirt at all and just let it sit in your lap? I ask this because I have developed a weird habit of tying my shirt into a knot above my chest before using the toilet (number 1 and 2). This is done to avoid my clothes coming into contact with urine/faeces- however it doesn’t feel normal to do such a thing and I want to stop. I’m on my journey to recovery but it’s literally as if I’ve forgotten how to use the toilet. Someone please answer.

When I wipe myself after pooping, I don’t know how far up to wipe. I drag the toilet roll along my booty hole, however where do I stopping dragging and release the paper into the toilet? Sometimes I wipe too far up, resulting in having to use baby wipes to wipe poop off my lower back. Where am I supposed to stop?

Can someone please help

I hate myself. My mental health has completely spiralled since the beginning of the pandemic. I’ve developed ocd and my life has been ruined. It’s affecting everyone else in my household and It’s destroying my relationship with my family (e.g. my parents). I fall out with them constantly over my issues because it frustrates them and is costing them financially. I’ve been struggling with ocd for 6 months now and it’s so hard to find the motivation to carry on. I wanna give up already. I hate what my life has become and had no idea that I would ever become this way. It’s to the point where I’ve seriously considered admitting myself into a mental health facility- however I’ve been told that your doctor has to refer you and that you simply can’t just go yourself. I’ve spoken to a friend about this, who knew somebody personally who’s been sectioned, she told me that it’s definitely not the place for me. Going to the toilet is dreadful because I’m in there for up to 1 hour and a half in total each session. I wipe myself excessively after a number 2. I have an obsession with being clean down there otherwise I’ll feel disgusting if I’m not. There’s been countless times where I’ve blocked the toilet and my mum has had to take the tissue/wipes out with her hands and throw them in the bin. She has told me to throw the toilet paper in the bin after wiping, however I just find that gross. It’s even worse when it’s that time of the month. As a heavy bleeder, the blood gives me even more to wipe. It’s hard to check the paper to see if the poop is gone because it’s so bloody. Whilst I’m wiping I’m confused as to where to stop wiping and put the tissue in the toilet. Sometimes I wipe up to my lower back, to the point where I have to get wet wipes and wipe the poop off my back. Then after all that i wash my hands for up to 30 minutes. At times washing all the way up to my elbows. Going to the toilet is absolutely exhausting and I just want this nightmare to end. My showers take up to 1 hour and I don’t know how to reduce the time. No matter what I do I simply cannot be quicker in there. I usually use the toilet before I have a shower (and you already know how that goes). So in total I’m occupying the bathroom for like 2 hours. My dream would be to take 10-15 minute showers, however in my current state that goal seems unrealistic. There’s periods where I don’t shower, brush my teeth, wash my hair or change my bedsheets for weeks and my rooms a mess. I haven’t left the house in months. Previously I was studying at an online university, yet dropped out due to my mental health. I’m too ill to work (not that there’s much work around anyway because of Covid). I’m losing sight of the light at the end of the tunnel and I want to leave. I don’t even remember the person I used to be.

I just feel like the area isn’t clean unless I wash it for a longer amount of time

I use to spend a calculated time on each body part, but I’ve stopped in an attempt to reduce my shower time. However, that hasn’t worked. I suffer from contamination ocd so being clean is key. Thus why I wash my lower regions twice over instead of once.