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SnowFairy

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    Sufferer

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    Female
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    England

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  1. When you resist doing compulsions, as time goes on you gain mental clarity and can see things clearly and chances are that you will realise the thoughts weren't true. This has always been my experience but it doesn't happen overnight - you have to be consistent in resisting compulsions. Every day when the thought comes in you have to completely ignore it -no ruminating, no checking, no analysing, no googling, no seeking reassurance - nothing. You basically have to starve the thought until it becomes so weak it fades away. What you are doing is feeding the thought and keeping it strong. Everything you are doing is keeping you stuck and will continue to keep you stuck until you change how you are reacting. It's hard but your only other option is to stay as you are for the rest of your life which isn't much fun.
  2. Thanks everyone for your replies, I'm feeling a lot better today and more positive. Onwards and upwards. 😊
  3. One that I found really helpful is Brain Lock by Dr Jeffrey Schwartz 😊
  4. I have been dealing with a particular theme for around a year - that I've committed a crime in the past while drunk (which is why I don't remember it) and my fear is that the police are going to turn up at my door and arrest me and my life will be ruined etc etc. I have been doing really well the past 3 months, I have pretty much successfully managed to stop doing compulsions and have done really well at not giving the thoughts any attention. They are still there in the background but they bother me much less and were no longer at the forefront of my mind and I was starting to feel a lot better. So on Monday driving home from work, don't ask me why, but I had the brilliant idea that now I'm in a better place mentally, I should re-examine the thoughts, look at them from a logical perspective and then maybe I'll be able to see once and for all that they were all nonsense. So I did. Cue the most horrendous spike of anxiety as NEW thoughts started coming in. I'm now back to where I was 6 months ago, I'm back down the rabbit hole and I'm struggling to get myself out. I'm so mad at myself, why did I do that? I should have known what would happen. The thoughts are back at the forefront of my mind and I'm struggling to concentrate or anything else and have done a few compulsions just to try and relieve the anxiety. I'm so disappointed in myself. My question is, now I've given in and have gone back down the rabbit hole, have I wasted the progress I made over the past 3-6 months? Is it going to take me another 6 months to get back to where I was last week?
  5. I quit drinking 4 years ago for this exact reason. I found that alcohol makes my anxiety 1000 times worse so for me it just wasn't worth it
  6. This is what's keeping you stuck. You are searching for 100% certainty which you can't have. The chance of you having done something like this and have no memory of it is so remote it's not even worth considering, much less spending a year of your life trying to figure it out. Let it go. If you don't you'll still be in the same situation a year from now and then 10 years from now. Stopping compulsions is the only way to recover from this. It won't be quick and it won't be easy but if you stick with it you'll get there eventually. The alternative is to carry on as you are and let me tell you, the longer it goes on the harder it will be to pull yourself out of.
  7. Because you have OCD and this is what OCD does. I, like hazydaze have also been through false memory OCD and I was at the point where I couldn't function properly as the thoughts took up all of my time and attention. I would spend literally every waking hour trying to figure out my thought, it was pure mental torture and a miserable existence. How did I manage to get over it? I stopped engaging with the thought. It is REALLY hard and it takes practice and a lot of willpower but that's the only thing that works. It still bothered me at first but I managed to resist the urge to ruminate and over time it bothered me less and less until eventually I hardly thought about it and now when it pops in my head I can see it as just OCD junk and ignore it and it doesn't even bother me. Once you stop engaging with the thought it will lose it's power and eventually you will see that it was nonsense but you have to stop engaging, stop ruminating, stop trying to figure it out, it's the only thing that works in the long run. I would recommend reading Brain Lock by Dr Jeffrey Schwartz and applying his 4 step method. I've read lots of books on OCD and in my opinion it's one of the best, it really helped me.
  8. That's the OCD trap - thinking you need to solve it before you can move on. You will never be able to solve it which means if you keep ruminating you will be stuck forever. Look at it this way - you've been ruminating for a year and you're no further forward. Carry on and you'll be in the same place 10 years from now. The only way out is to stop engaging with the thought - the more you dismiss it the less it will bother you and eventually you will be able to view the thought with a clear mind and see it for what it is - OCD junk
  9. I stopped drinking 3 years ago for this exact reason, it's just not worth the way it affects my mental health
  10. I stopped drinking around 5 years ago as it just makes my anxiety 100 times worse and for me it's just not worth it
  11. I relate to this so much. I know deep down that the thoughts are nonsense but my brain just can't accept this. It's like it tells me if there's a 0.01% chance it might be true I can't leave the thought alone until I can be 100% sure.
  12. I know exactly what you are going through, I am dealing with a particularly bad spike that's had me obsessing for the past 3 months that I've done something I know deep down I haven't. Feel free to PM me if you want to chat 🙂
  13. I listen to both of these, they are both great 🙂
  14. Hi everyone, new member here. I know that no one on this forum can diagnose someone with OCD but I wanted to get the opinions of people who have experience of OCD if it's what I might be dealing with. I have always suffered from anxiety and been a worrier but over the past few years I've started suffering from obsessive and irrational thoughts. I seem to have a voice in my head that tells me I'm a bad person and I've done bad things. I don't know where this comes from as I am a very gentle person who wouldn't hurt a fly. If I read a news story about someone doing something bad I will get a thought pop into my head like: "what if you've done something like that?" I will feel sick to my stomach and tell myself I would never do something like that and have no memory of it so I can't have. I will then get another thought along the lines of: "well maybe you blocked it out because it was so terrible" or "maybe you did it when you were drunk and couldn't remember". This is where most people would probably think "don't be so ridiculous" and move on with their day but I can't let go. I feel terrified that it could be true and feel like I have to absolutely make sure it's not true before I can move on or else how can I live with myself? I spend hours searching my memory for evidence that it's not true, trying to go over in my mind every time I was really drunk and trying to work out if it's a possibility that I could have done something bad and not remember. It gets me nowhere and I know that I should just let it go but I feel like I can't find peace in my mind until I've worked it out. Sometimes I will try and ignore the thought but then it's just constantly there and it stops me doing things i enjoy as it's there saying: "how can you be happy when you might be a monster and have done this terrible thing?" At my worst I can spend 5 hours+ a day going over and over it in my head, trying to figure out out, trying to prove the thought wrong but whatever I come up with to disprove the thought, my mind fires back something else. It's like having an internal argument with myself. It's exhausting and it affects every area of my life, my work, my relationships. Sometimes I'll be watching a film with my husband and I'm not even paying attention to the film, I'm going over and over things in my mind. At work, sometimes I may look like I'm engrossed in a report but again I'm going over things in my head - the report is just a smokescreen so I can do this without being interrupted. Then I get behind with my work. Another trigger is driving when it's dark for example driving home from work in the winter (my commute it's mostly country lanes). I might have a thought pop into my head later like: "what if you hit someone driving home and didn't realise because it was so dark?" I will get that awful whoosh of panic and start the internal argument with myself: "no I didn't" "you might have, what if you did?". Once I was driving with my husband in the passenger seat and we were on a busy well lit road. We passed a cyclist and maybe 20 seconds later approached a junction so slowed to a stop. I heard a crash behind and turned round and the cyclist we had passed earlier had fallen off his bike. He got up and brushed himself off and was getting back on his bike and I had an immediate thought of: "did I hit him?" At this point he was 3 cars behind me but I was convinced that I'd hit him even though my husband told me we'd passed him safely and were nowhere near him when he fell. I started obsessing after that that I'd hit him with my car and her taken my reg and I was going to be arrested for hit and run. In one sense, I know these thoughts are irrational but if there's a 0.1% chance they might be true I can't move past them. Other examples of stuff I've obsessed over - I once convinced myself that when I was drunk one time I told my friend that one of our mutual friends didn't like her which isn't even true, I don't even know why I would say that but I had a thought that said: "maybe you said something inappropriate after you'd had a few drinks" and this was the random thought that popped into my head and got stuck there. Another time I convinced myself because I hadn't washed my hands immediately before holding my friends baby that I had passed germs to the baby and she was going to die. Another time I was reading a news story about an ISIS hostage being beheaded and it linked to an article which showed a video. I didn't realise that the video showed the actual event and as soon as I realised I stopped it as I didn't want to see that, I was horrified but then I started obsessing that I was going to be arrested for viewing illegal content online. When I have these obsessions my husband tries to reason with me and make me see that I'm being irrational but I just can't see it at the time. It's only months later that I can see how ridiculous it is but by that time I've gone through months of hell for nothing. I went to my doctor recently and told him I am struggling with anxiety and he was no help really, he just told me to meditate and told me about some apps you can download. I decided to try and help myself and got a load of anxiety self help books from the library and it was only reading through them and reading about the different anxiety disorders that I came across OCD and I really resonated with what it said. I'm ashamed to admit that until now I thought OCD was about having contamination fears/excessive cleaning or checking. I didn't realise that it manifests in so many more ways. I think I'm going to go back to my doctor but do you think this could be what I'm dealing with? I want to take as much information with me that I can this time.
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