Hi everyone, new member here. I know that no one on this forum can diagnose someone with OCD but I wanted to get the opinions of people who have experience of OCD if it's what I might be dealing with. I have always suffered from anxiety and been a worrier but over the past few years I've started suffering from obsessive and irrational thoughts. I seem to have a voice in my head that tells me I'm a bad person and I've done bad things. I don't know where this comes from as I am a very gentle person who wouldn't hurt a fly. If I read a news story about someone doing something bad I will get a thought pop into my head like: "what if you've done something like that?" I will feel sick to my stomach and tell myself I would never do something like that and have no memory of it so I can't have. I will then get another thought along the lines of: "well maybe you blocked it out because it was so terrible" or "maybe you did it when you were drunk and couldn't remember". This is where most people would probably think "don't be so ridiculous" and move on with their day but I can't let go. I feel terrified that it could be true and feel like I have to absolutely make sure it's not true before I can move on or else how can I live with myself? I spend hours searching my memory for evidence that it's not true, trying to go over in my mind every time I was really drunk and trying to work out if it's a possibility that I could have done something bad and not remember. It gets me nowhere and I know that I should just let it go but I feel like I can't find peace in my mind until I've worked it out. Sometimes I will try and ignore the thought but then it's just constantly there and it stops me doing things i enjoy as it's there saying: "how can you be happy when you might be a monster and have done this terrible thing?" At my worst I can spend 5 hours+ a day going over and over it in my head, trying to figure out out, trying to prove the thought wrong but whatever I come up with to disprove the thought, my mind fires back something else. It's like having an internal argument with myself. It's exhausting and it affects every area of my life, my work, my relationships. Sometimes I'll be watching a film with my husband and I'm not even paying attention to the film, I'm going over and over things in my mind. At work, sometimes I may look like I'm engrossed in a report but again I'm going over things in my head - the report is just a smokescreen so I can do this without being interrupted. Then I get behind with my work. Another trigger is driving when it's dark for example driving home from work in the winter (my commute it's mostly country lanes). I might have a thought pop into my head later like: "what if you hit someone driving home and didn't realise because it was so dark?" I will get that awful whoosh of panic and start the internal argument with myself: "no I didn't" "you might have, what if you did?". Once I was driving with my husband in the passenger seat and we were on a busy well lit road. We passed a cyclist and maybe 20 seconds later approached a junction so slowed to a stop. I heard a crash behind and turned round and the cyclist we had passed earlier had fallen off his bike. He got up and brushed himself off and was getting back on his bike and I had an immediate thought of: "did I hit him?" At this point he was 3 cars behind me but I was convinced that I'd hit him even though my husband told me we'd passed him safely and were nowhere near him when he fell. I started obsessing after that that I'd hit him with my car and her taken my reg and I was going to be arrested for hit and run. In one sense, I know these thoughts are irrational but if there's a 0.1% chance they might be true I can't move past them. Other examples of stuff I've obsessed over - I once convinced myself that when I was drunk one time I told my friend that one of our mutual friends didn't like her which isn't even true, I don't even know why I would say that but I had a thought that said: "maybe you said something inappropriate after you'd had a few drinks" and this was the random thought that popped into my head and got stuck there. Another time I convinced myself because I hadn't washed my hands immediately before holding my friends baby that I had passed germs to the baby and she was going to die. Another time I was reading a news story about an ISIS hostage being beheaded and it linked to an article which showed a video. I didn't realise that the video showed the actual event and as soon as I realised I stopped it as I didn't want to see that, I was horrified but then I started obsessing that I was going to be arrested for viewing illegal content online. When I have these obsessions my husband tries to reason with me and make me see that I'm being irrational but I just can't see it at the time. It's only months later that I can see how ridiculous it is but by that time I've gone through months of hell for nothing. I went to my doctor recently and told him I am struggling with anxiety and he was no help really, he just told me to meditate and told me about some apps you can download. I decided to try and help myself and got a load of anxiety self help books from the library and it was only reading through them and reading about the different anxiety disorders that I came across OCD and I really resonated with what it said. I'm ashamed to admit that until now I thought OCD was about having contamination fears/excessive cleaning or checking. I didn't realise that it manifests in so many more ways. I think I'm going to go back to my doctor but do you think this could be what I'm dealing with? I want to take as much information with me that I can this time.