ocd19

I am so sorry to hear this. He didn’t hate you, he loved you. People only remember the good/positive feelings / memories someone they loved gave them and not the negative. It is not your fault, he wouldn’t blame you either. You have to learn to deal with your guilt. I know it’s a rough patch right now but you can get through this. Your current situation is not your final destination. Transfer all your sadness into power and try to get better, if you think you don’t deserve it, try it for your partner. He would’ve wantend you to get better, as you said he tried so hard, you have to try also. You have to want it yourself too. Stay strong and my condolences, I am so sorry for your loss.

Thank you so much

Has anyone ever experienced that much guilt because of your intrusive thoughts that it has led you to being rude/mean to loved ones on purpose just so they can see that you really are a “bad” person. I just feel that being ‘hated’ is easier than being ‘loved’ because I don’t deserve being loved.

I’ve had this kind of compulsion too, that I had to say something horrible about someone I love without them being there just to “save” them from my intrusive thoughts. You are not alone and you are certainly not horrible. I know that you feel that “it’s better for everyone” if you withdraw yourself from everyone because you “don’t deserve their love” but; People that love you will never judge or abandon you for having a “bad” thought/compulsion. Try to find your strength, I know you can. If you have the energy to make yourself feel bad about having thoughts and compulsions (that takes a lot of energy, believe me), you certainly have the energy to get through it and set yourself above all of it!!! By feeling so guilty about a “bad” compulsion you are the opposite of being your definition of a “bad” person. I hope you’ll realize how wonderful you are and that having thoughts/compulsions don’t define who you are. Imagine your mind being a high way and the cars that drive by are your thoughts. The type of car that drives on the road does not define what kind of road it is. If a ugly, broken car drives on that high way, the road doesn’t become ugly and broken too; the cars don’t define the road, just like your thoughts/compulsions don’t define you. You DESERVE being loved, even when you feel like you don’t. You just need to learn how to cope with it, and that is so tuff to do, but I know that you can do it. I believe that you can do it and I promise that you can do it. I understand what you’re feeling really I used to have it really bad as well. At one point I didn’t want to talk to my parents, hug them or eat dinner that my parents made for me, I could’t even accept if they gave me a glass of water because I felt SO guilty for having intrusive thoughts about them, I just felt that I was to horrific to be loved, and that they didn’t know the “true me” and that if they knew the would abandon me. I started to act rude on purpose so that they would see how “bad I am”. That was my lowest point..... but it got better: What really helped me is to treat the guilt as you treat your intrusive thoughts, a technique that helped me personally was mindfulness and talking witha psychologist(I don’t know if you already do that or if you want that but it helped me a lot). Mindfulness is a great way to acknowledge your thoughts/guilt and just let it be. Headspace is a great app! I just want you to know that people are lucky to have such a genuine and considerate person like you, even if you feel like you’re the worst person in the world (because I could imagine reading myself this if I were you and thinking “this person is writing all of these nice things but she doesn’t REALLY know how bad I am”) but I KNOW that you are not your thoughts/compulsions, even if you don’t know it yourself right know. I wish i could say all of this to myself when I was feeling like this. And always remember: your current situation is not your final destination. You will get through this, you can do it, I know you can but you just have to know it too

You are worth everything! I know the feeling of extreme guilt: You just feel that thoughts and fantasies define you as a bad person that doesn’t deserve anything, but they do not!! Worrying about being a bad person makes you one of the most kind and understanding kind of people, a person that family and friends are lucky to have. Try to find your strength, I know you can. If you have the energy to make yourself feel bad about having thoughts (that takes a lot of energy, believe me), you certainly have the energy to get through it and set yourself above all of it!!! I want to tell you you are certainly not alone and that I truly understand the feeling that guilt can cause, you just feel like you are not worth it. What I’ve learned in the past is that guilt can lead you to withdrawing yourself from the people you love, and having thoughts like: “how can someone love me when I have these thoughts”, or “I don’t deserve this because I have these thoughts”. It is a common thing that is accompanied with intrusive thoughts. I want you to know that the people around you will never judge or abandon you because of the thoughts you’re having. I know everything that you are thinking looks like the truth, but a “bad” thought doesn’t make you a “bad” person. By feeling so much guilt for just a thought you are the opposite of what your definition of a “bad” person is. Mindfulness is a great way to acknowledge your thoughts and just letting them be. Imagine your mind being a high way and the cars that drive by are your thoughts. The type of car that drives on the road does not define what kind of road it is. If a ugly, broken car drives on that high way, the road doesn’t become ugly and broken too; the cars don’t define the road, just like your thoughts don’t define you. I hope you realize how wonderful and considerate you are and how extremely lucky people around you are for having someone with such a pure heart, even if you sometimes feel like you’re not worth it. I know it’ll be tuff but you can do this! You can overcome this! The guilt goes away, you just have to learn how to cope with it. I hope this kinda helped you I was just trying to say the things to you that I would say to myself when I was feeling just like you do now. Have a wonderful day! You’re worth it, I promise you it will all be fine.

This really helped me out, thank you for your kindness

Thank you so much for your reply!

Hi there,:) I was wondering if other people with harm ocd have the fear of commiting a crime they dont remeber. Like today I helped a stranger to find an adress, and now I just cant stop thinking about the fact that I may have hurt her but that I just can’t remember it. I was with one of my best friends who also reassured me that nothing happend but because of my anxiety I feel like everything around me is not real... I think that’s called derealization or something. For some reason I feel that my friend is lying that nothing happened and that I actually blacked out. It is just stressing me out by even thinking about hurting someone but this uncertainity is making me sick. Has anyone ever experienced derealization? Or something like this? Like the feeling that everything and everyone around you isn’t real? I don’t know what to do i’ve been having these thoughts for 2 years now:( I’m seeing a therapist and I have anti-depressantmedicines. It is just so stressing out, i’m used to it now but I’d like to talk with people who maybe have the same thing, just to know that i’m not alone:)