Emmaloowho

Thank you so much!!

Hi! As some of you may know, I have struggled with POCD, currently centered around my 15 year old son. I have been doing really pretty well the last couple of weeks. Very minimal ruminating, and when I catch myself starting to do it, I stop. I also don’t engage with the thoughts, they can be there if they want, but I don’t try to solve them. I am kind of being forced into an exposure tomorrow. I was just talking to my son and asked him to send me his store list for when I go grocery shopping tomorrow. He said “I will just go with you”. I am a bit nervous. For some reason, one of my big fears has been being alone in the car with him. I’m scared I will just lose control and touch him inappropriately. I don’t know why this has become one of my fears Anyway, I know I have to do it. I have to face it. I just need some encouragement and advice as to how to handle it when we are in the car and my mind starts with its usual ?. I stupidly think that my hand will get a mind of its own and just do something without me wanting it to. Any advice?

Do any of you find that often times when you are feeling better about things ( really working hard to dismiss and move on from the thoughts), that your mind seeks out things to feel bad, guilty or shamed about? My brain seems to flicker through past, present and even worrying about future bad thoughts. I will “review” some of my previous bad thoughts/images or obsessions, and then worry that I need to tell my husband about it. Even if I know I already told him, I become convinced that I left something important out or didn’t give him the “real” picture. I have to really restrain myself from going over it again in my mind, and also from “confessing” to my husband. I feel like this is one major way that OCD tries to suck me back in and I really struggle with it.

It is truly horrible. It’s so sad what our minds can do to us. But I know we have the power within us to get through it.

I think one of the most ironic things about OCD is that I can read your posts and think that it’s so obvious that you have ocd and that you are in agony and of course you’re not going to do anything. But I can’t look at myself and think that.

I am a mom of three kids, and I also have and do struggle with OCD of many themes, but by far the most disturbing has been POCD. My POCD started even before I had kids, with my nephews and niece, who were the most important things in my life at the time. I also had really bad bouts of worrying about being attracted to other people, or being unfaithful to my husband. This is by far NOT a full list of my obsessions over the years, not by a long shot, but these are the most disturbing. Once I had kids, my OCD really focused on them. I not only worried about myself harming them, but also others as well (including my husband). I had a horrible time with it when my son was around 3-4. My husband had just gotten through treatment for cancer so it was a really stressful time. I was constantly worried I would molest him. It was horrifying. Somehow I got myself through that. It reared its ugly head again last year. My son is now 15. I am still worrying that I will in some way try to force myself on him or touch him inappropriately. Even typing it sounds ridiculous and disgusting to me. But when I am in the thick of the panic and despair, it feels so real. I completely understand what you ladies are going through. I think constantly disregarding the thoughts and stopping the ruminating is the biggest thing to help get through this. I went 10 years without any “big” flair ups. Almost to the point that I thought it was gone. But I forgot what I had learned. When it hit me again I let it take over me I think OCD is a delicate balance between practicing what we know helps (disregarding the thoughts, continuing on with what you are doing and not putting value to them), and also not forgetting that you have OCD and always remember the tools you have learned, and remembering that they work. Sorry this got so long. I just couldn’t stop typing. I don’t even know if what I am saying makes sense. I just want you to know that I understand what you are feeling, and could have almost written it myself. We aren’t alone. It’s tough to remember that sometimes.

Thanks @Caramoole! I know you’re right!!

@MentalChecker I’m just so scared that if it’s NOT ocd then I have a real problem!

Thank you @MentalChecker! That was very helpful. It all does indeed sound easy until you’re in the thick of it. It is very hard to put into practice. I watched @PolarBear YouTube video on how to stop ruminating and I am trying to catch myself in the act and just refocus on what I need to be doing, or what I am in the middle of doing. I do appreciate the support!!

I understand what you are saying @Caramoole But when someone is in the thick of panicking about if they are a deviant or whatever the issue is, the last thing they want to hear is that they could be. I know you all don’t know me and can’t make a diagnosis…I just want to know if what I am experiencing sounds par for the course for ocd. I’m just scared. I do truly appreciate all of the kind and gentle advice I have gotten!

Well that makes me feel like **** ?

@Handy So are you saying you don’t think this sounds like ocd?

So is it ocd, or is something else wrong with me?

@Caramoole I guess the uncertainty and the possibility that it could happen is what’s keeping me trapped. I know logically that I can’t avoid my son or any of my other “triggers”. But I am scared. I don’t want to spend any time alone with my son because I think I will lose control or just do something to sabotage my life. Does that make any sense? The thought of going in his room when my mind is screaming at me that something bad will happen if I do, fills me with dread And thank you so much for your reply!!

@PolarBear I went in his room and talked to him for a couple of minutes. Sat on his bed while he was at his computer desk. It was fine. But my biggest fear is in the morning when I’m up before everyone else getting ready for work. My mind tells me that’s when I’ll do something. It’s so stupid. It ****** me off.

@PolarBear But what if I lose control and do something?

@PolarBear Gosh darn it. One more question. I’m sorry - I’m not trying to monopolize you! What is my best course of action when I am upstairs near my son’s room and my mind tells me “he’s all alone, you could go in there so easily and try something”. I rationally KNOW I don’t want to, but it’s like my mind is telling me to just do it. Just because. It terrifies me. Sometimes I can just tell the thoughts/urges to f-off. Other times it feels so real. Like I could do it.

@PolarBear I understand. Can you answer one of my questions that I asked about above. Is it standard ocd behavior for my mind to almost purposefully seek out things to worry about or feel bad about? Especially when I am feeling good about my life at that particular time?

Thank you @PolarBear! I am going to try my hardest to put this into practice. It’s just such a pull to tell him. Do you think I sound like a monster?

@PolarBear or anyone else who has gotten through this ****: I am spiraling down bad today. I don’t feel worthy of my husbands or my kids love. How can I have these thoughts? Incest, molesting kids. Detailed images. I’m on the verge of breaking down. I feel such a strong urge to tell my husband every detail of these thoughts. He knows the gist of them, but I feel like he doesn’t know enough. I’m so so scared of losing my family. please help me off the ledge!! Tell me what I need to do and I’ll do it

I’m on the verge of tears because I am so tired of these mind games. As soon as I start to feel better, my mind comes in and screws it all up. I’m sitting here at work feeling so guilty, and gross. I feel like I need to confess to my husband all the dirty and scary things that go through my mind. Then I’m afraid that he will hate me and leave me, or have me committed. I’m tired of being scared and feeling wrong.

I seem to have a really big issue with my mind racing a lot. It’s hard to explain, but it’s almost like it’s running through all the bad things I “need” to worry about. It’s so tiring. Also, does anyone else almost look for things to worry about. Like my mind almost says to me “okay, if you’re not going to worry about that, let’s think up something else horrible, or remember something horrible that you used to worry about, but got over”. It’s almost like I’m actively seeking it, to make myself miserable. I can’t let myself feel happy or have any peace without that happening. I have actually said to myself, what horrible thing can I think of that I will then have to confess to my husband because I thought it. I’m so tired of it.

@PolarBear i keep doing this thing to myself right now where I basically convince myself that at some point (maybe even today), I’m going to cave and do something. How do I deal with it when those overwhelming thought hit me? It’s so hard to dismiss because then I feel all this fear of the consequences it’s devastating.

You don’t think it’s hiding something from him?

@PolarBear So do you suggest that I don’t confess?