Emmaloowho

I thank you once again, @PolarBear

So I have been doing pretty good on not ruminating too much about my pocd fears. The one thing I am still really struggling with is the constant nagging uncertain feeling of the future and how I would handle a situation. For instance, “what if my son and I are home together and I lose control and try something”. I know this is another ocd doubt/ worry, but it still bothers me. Does anyone have any suggestions as to how to best deal with these future worries?

Thanks polarbear! It’s rough. I am struggling with what I am hoping are false urges right now so that’s something I need to work on I guess. In the moment it just feels so strong and scary.

@PolarBear Why do you think it is that our OCD often makes us feel like we are the ONLY ones that have it as bad as we do? I have looked at so many other posts on this board, and I can see clearly how others have OCD (even when they think they don’t), but I sometimes feel like I am the one “special” case, or one truly bad person. I see so many other say that too. I am just curious as to your opinion. If it wasn’t so painful, it would be fascinating.

@PolarBear Thank you so much! That is really the perspective that I needed to hear. You are so brave to have fought through that and I hope I can do it too! Thank you for your advice and wisdom. I think what I am hearing from you is that no matter how loud my OCD screams at me to stop and do my compulsions, I have the choice to resist, and I must be vigilant about choosing not to. It will be incredibly painful at first, but eventually my mind will get used to it and not scream so loud? And hopefully eventually what once seemed so important, will not be worth my time. I have gotten to this place before with my OCD. I wish I could remember how. But if I did it before, I should be able to do it again. Thanks again!!

@PolarBear When you were in the midst of recovering or working on your OCD, how did you handle it when you got the rush of anxiety that went with a thought or “urge” or sensation? That is my biggest struggle right now. I have times where it feels so convincing that I will lose control and it scares me. The thing is, I know I will get through it, but in the midst of it I just want to break down and cry because I feel like such a bad person. Its like my head taunts me and says: maybe you won’t do it now, but maybe tomorrow, or the next time you’re alone with him you will. That then starts the ruminating and scenarios again because I feel like I have to think about how I would handle the situation in the future. Does that make sense?

Petal - I don’t feel like I HAVE done them, I am scared that I will do them, and it feels very real and scary. I just feel terror that I will lose control and do something. It’s awful.

@dksea I am just so scared. I have one good day where the thoughts seem less important, and then the next day (like today), it is almost impossible to disregard and I am filled with panic because it all seems so real. I am worried that this isn't OCD. I realize that this worry in and of itself is common with OCD, but it still doesn't stop the fact that I makes me feel like it might NOT be, and that terrifies me. I feel like I have annoyed people on here because of all my uncertainties, but I just can't help it...I feel so alone. My husband knows about my worries, but he thinks it is ridiculous and not even worth my time worrying about. But when I get the images along with the sensations it just becomes so hard to disregard. I don't know exactly what I am wanting by typing this, just needed to get it out!

@SnowFairy Thank you!!

I am sure many of you have recommendations for books on OCD. Could you please share if you have any that are really good? Thank you!!

Ugh @PolarBear!!! Somehow I knew you weren’t going to bite. I’m just scared and the lure to get reassurance is so strong. This sucks so bad.

I know I’m seeking reassurance, but do you think this is OCD? The groinals make everything feel so real, gross and dirty. I feel like I’m the one person on here who is legitimately deviant and sick. I feel like a disgusting person.

But why do I waver between feeling really pretty good, and then back to doubting and checking? There’s times when I think I may be on the right track, but then my mind says, nope. Sometimes I just worry that I am a deviant and that I want the thoughts. That I’m just lying to myself and using OCD as an excuse. Even as I type this I wonder if I am being manipulative about my situation.

So I had a really good weekend and a good day yesterday. I really didn’t do any mental checking/testing in regards to the thoughts about my son. I felt really good as a result. Today I woke up feeling great. Then later in the morning I can’t explain it. It’s like I felt bad for feeling good. So what do I do? I start the mental checking with the sexual scenarios. Makes me feel like **** and completely unsure. Not to mention I have been having off and on groinal responses for the past month or two. I know they don’t really mean anything, but I find it hard to discount them with they happen with the thoughts. I know that this basically proves that if I stop engaging with the thoughts that I will start to feel better. But how do I deal with the guilt I then feel when I do fee pretty good, which then leads me to start checking again? Its very frustrating that I’m doing this to myself.

Very true @PolarBear I often find myself being “jealous” of other people’s themes. Thinking that they would be so much easier to deal with, but of course I know that’s not really true. I have had other themes, and at the time, they always seemed like the worst. However, POCD has been the hardest for me, personally.