Ziggyy

Hi firstly thank you so much for responding and sharing. Really helps to know someone understands. I’m sorry to hear your ocd caused lasting physical effects- I’m already experiencing those. I cracked my ribs a couple months ago and now I’ve done something awful to my foot I can barely walk on it yet I’m still never resting it. My legs are so swollen from constantly being on my feet? i think I’m in the mindset of ‘surrendering’ - not to the ocd but to the fact that I need someone to step in now as I have such tight control over everything and I’m not safe anymore. I’m not giving up, just the opposite. I’m ready to just get rid of this illness and commit to ridding myself of these compulsions but my community team agree it’s so severe now I’ll only be able to do that in an inpatient unit where I’ll be looked after. Those were also my thoughts about hospital, I know they can’t treat my ocd. I’m just unsure how safe it is or even possible to keep doing what I’m doing. I’ll collapse soon from exhaustion and I’m worried how little I’m drinking. the problem is having no time frame for inpatient treatment no matter how much I ask, so I’m at a complete loss and I’m so sleep deprived I’m finding every little thing triggering so the hope of calming myself down to make some changes isn’t happening when I’m this tired. I just really don’t know what to do right now. I need to rest and have like a week of not having to clean and all these responsibilities, to sleep and calm. Maybe then I could cope a bit better. I can’t even use my shower as my bathroom sends me into such a panic I fight to not pass out so I’m trying to compensate by using cleaning wipes on my body which has left me with slight chemical burns that are really itchy and painful. It’s just miserable and terrifying where I’m at right now.

Hi, don’t know where to begin with this to be honest but I’ll try and keep it short and if anyone can assist me in any way I’d be grateful. my ocd is contamination based and primarily around the bathroom- the toilet has become such a phobia even walking past a room with one makes me anxious and using my own toilet at home isn’t any better. I live alone and therefore my ocd has worsened as all the space is ‘my space’ and I can’t keep up with it. If I feel contaminated, so does the entire flat and my belongings so I’ve been overwhelming myself for months trying to clean everywhere. ive been sleeping on the floor for 6 months, I can’t use my shower. Have been using baby wipes/sanitiser/antibacterial wipes on my body and spraying disinfectant on my hair. If my body feels contaminated I wipe it but can’t wash my my hair so that ends up being catastrophic as I can’t ‘fix’ the problem. It takes about 3 hours each morning to use the toilet and clean me/the flat afterwards in order to get dressed. Then I stand pretty much for the entire day until going to the toilet at night and then spend 4/5 hours cleaning to get into a blanket on the floor. I am severely limiting my fluids, only been going to the toilet twice a day (including nights) for about 5 months. I don’t get much sleep, I’m physically done in from standing so much. I am awaiting to hear funding approval for inpatient treatment (long story but been waiting for a very long time) and I know going into the unit is the only way to deal with the severity of my illness. However right now I can’t keep myself safe- every day is traumatic and I can’t financially keep up with ocd’s demands either. My issue is a couple years ago I went to A&e and was sent to a psychiatric hospital due to ocd but they admitted they couldn’t deal with the level of my ocd so just kept me medicated to get some sleep and sent me home after a week (my ocd surrounding using the toilet wasn’t this bad then). I don’t know what to do right now. I can’t go stay with family as I have no idea how I’d use the toilet anywhere. I have to fully undress to use it and then all the rituals after. I know that if I didn’t do any of that I would have an actual mental breakdown. So even hospital doesn’t seem like an option because I’m terrified of what might happen or how it would even work. Toilet isn’t something you can avoid and I physically don’t have the energy to keep doing what I’m doing. I’m terrified and exhausted. does anyone know what I should do? Or how hospital would approach this situation? I’m at a complete loss here and very trapped. thanks for reading

Hi @Summer9173 came on here to see if anyone else was struggling and saw your post. I don’t know if it helps to know you’re not alone in feeling the way you are today. I’m actually alone today unfortunately which has made things really hit home. I missed doses of sertraline too and feel exactly how I did when I had previously slowly come off it, i remember how hard it is weaning yourself off of antidepressants but try not to panic at how it makes you feel, just keep reminding yourself you are feeling this way because your body is adjusting and that you are safe. I also feel out of it today, being dark and the streets are all empty has just made me feel so anxious. Hoping chatting on here will help!

I would appreciate some insight/advice into what I’ve been experiencing the last couple of months. My contamination fear of the bathroom (the toilet- even looking at it sets me off, become a huge phobia) has become so extreme that I started fearing sleep because I am terrified of what I might do when I’m unaware. I know logically this sounds like typical anxiety because I don’t have control when I’m asleep and ocd requires control. I have moved out and am living alone for the first time so maybe that has something to do with all the uncertainty and lack of trust in myself. I have never slept walked to my knowledge but find myself terrified every night that I will be sleep walking and touching the toilet/using the toilet. Even so far as thinking I’d act out my fears bevause I spend so much time worrying about touching the toilet that I believe I will make myself do it in my sleep. I dream about doing such things which makes me wake up and wonder if I did it or whether it was a dream. Particularly as I will dream these scenarios involving real places such as my bathroom, which makes it feel more real as opposed to dreaming about a random space. I started putting things in front of the door to make sure I wasn’t leaving the room at night but stopped doing that before I started to rely on it and now without knowing, I’m at a loss. I wake up feeling so scared that I may have stuck my hand down the toilet and contaminated everything in my home and myself and it’s exhausting. I’ve also been sleeping on the floor for months bevause I can’t even get into bed and I’ve made myself paranoid that bevause my mind knows I’m not in bed maybe it’s more likely I’d move about in sleep bevause I’m not actually in the normal sleeping place. I just don’t know if this is a common thing with ocd? I’m at a loss here

I’ve been really struggling with intrusive thoughts this month. I’ve had so many incidents where a thought based around the same topic (of contamination) occurs multiple times a day and usually I can try and see logic vs ocd thought but I’ve been believing every single one of them and acting as though they were real. I think since the clocks went back and with winter coming I automatically start becoming nocturnal and finding my anxiety is a lot more frequent. Does anyone have any advice on how to cope with winter months affecting their ocd? Something someone said to me yesterday has got me thinking and it might be helpful for anyone struggling. When I’m gripped by fear over a thought whether I did something or something happened etc, they said ‘if you have to think about whether it happened or not, it didn’t. If you did something you would know, there wouldn’t be a debate or doubt’. It’s very difficult to try and apply that and believe it but taking a step back I realised that’s true, it’s only the things I worry about that I second guess. anyway, I’ve had major changes in my life recently and I just wanted to reach out and see if anyone had the time to give some encouraging words to help me in this dark time.

Ok I’m so so done with having such detailed thoughts. I miss freedom of my mind. I really need somewhere to turn so I’m writing here because I feel I don’t know how much more I can take. my fear of toilets is so extreme now I can’t go more than a couple hours at night after showering where I can sit and relax and try eat. The rest of the time I’m on my feet, yes doing compulsions and trying to get through a day. I assess my behaviour every night and vow the next day will be different but it never is. And because the toilet has real germs, I can’t ignore it. today something black flew up in the air out the toilet when I flushed it. Don’t know if it was a fly/spider/that gunk build up you get in the flush holes. Whatever it was freaked me out and long story short I finally got showered and got into bed. Only to discover a spider crawling across me in bed. Which now leads to thoughts that it was from the toilet (my room is next to the bathroom and my door was open all day). Now all I can think of is it’s crawled everywhere in my room and bed and may have been what was in the toilet. I know flies etc go everywhere and nowhere thinks of where they’ve been but this is the 50th incident today and I’m shattered and want to give up. Please don’t tell me toilets don’t harm either, I havent cleaned mine in a while because I’m too unstable. I just don’t know how to stop this. It’s a vicious cycle- not cleaning toilet makes anxiety worse. anyway, I know what I should be doing, no compulsions etc. But I’m at a place where I Won’t sit down/eat/sleep unless I’m not contaminated by a flush splash etc. So it’s very unhealthy and worrying. I’m worried for myself

I’ve heard they do that as an ERP task, although it’s one I’ve always dreaded and don’t think I could actually ever go through with. But that’s interesting to know about household exposure- makes sense! I used to go to festivals all the time and the toilets there are worse than anyone could imagine and I never got sick there and there’s no running water just sanitiser! I should use that knowledge to make me strong but it seems like an entirely different person. I don’t know how I did any of that ha

Huh. That’s so strange. I suppose it’s all these cleaner adverts and information that we need to be bleaching etc that makes me think of the toilet as some hazardous thing!

@BelAnnaI kind of went off track but I meant it as an example that household bacteria is way less than outside and everyone is still always fine! Even if you haven’t cleaned your kitchen floor in a while it’s still ok. Babies always crawl on floors and touch things and they have poor immune systems!

Yeah the walking barefoot was pre-ocd! How I miss the freedom of those days!! I can’t believe I even did that it’s gross, but obviously I didn’t really think much of it at the time! ah I see. Well I know you find those things really triggering but maybe you could use one of those small hoover attachments in the crevices to suck it up? And then maybe there’s something you could spray on the floor to dissolve the caked on stuff and leave it for a while to do it’s job, then maybe mopping would be a quicker and less anxious job? Remember as well that you will be looking for perfection and checking every part of the floor. It doesn’t have to be spotless. We don’t even mop our kitchen often, mostly just gets hoovered. Try and think of how you used to feel about the floors pre-OCD when you’re doing that task or feeling particularly anxious about it. if it helps at all- today I finally actually went out to the shop and thankfully I looked down as I was walking because someone had left dog poo that was all walked in inside the shopping centre floor!! I just missed it by a few centimetres. It was outside a shop I’d just been in and when I was there I dropped an item and an employee picked it up for me and put it back in my arms. After I’d seen the poo (which I didn’t notice in the way in) I started thinking about the item that had been on the floor and then on me and in a bag with everything else!! But I’m still here, unharmed. Nothing happened to me even though I imagined the germs were spread and worried someone had stepped in it and then been in that shop. Also think about the fact that people store their shoes in their room or people with dressing rooms that keep all their shoes on shelves and they don’t worry about the soles of them. I can guarantee they aren’t cleaning them all the time or worrying. hope this helps!

I understand that but we are all taught how toilets are full of germs, etc, so I don’t know how to see it as not a risk. If you did eat after that I thought you would get sick? That’s what’s confusing. I know you wouldn’t die but it is still harmful germs. currently waiting on therapy unfortunately.

Hi @BelAnna I have experienced exactly the same as you. My family (and me!) used to always cook raw meat and we had cats in the house and I never gave it a second thought. In terms of cognitive restructuring, I would look at the fact that none of those things used to bother you because your brain was wired to know that it wasn’t a threat, and you would deal with actual bacteria like raw meat in a normal, not fearful way because you trusted what was right and wrong in those situations. With ocd, our brain sees everything as a threat and we forget that we have so many memories embedded in us from early age of how to respond to situations. It’s all still there, it’s just trying to access it and learn to trust ourselves. I don’t know if this is making any sense. And it’s easier said than done I know! with the washing again I am the same. However someone without ocd wouldn’t even notice the hair and definitely wouldn’t associate it with a dirty kitchen floor. My mum has literally picked dropped washing off the floor and stuck it in the dryer. The dryer also kills off anything in the heat. I would try to focus on remembering how you used to walk around barefoot all the time, as do most people at home and you were absolutely fine. People do these things daily, we just pay so much attention to every detail. With mopping the floor, have you ever thought about getting one of those flash mops? They’re only about a tenner and you just attach a floor wipe to the end and dispose after. It’s the easiest thing to do because it would eliminate the need for gloves, bleach etc. If you struggled with what to do with the wipe afterwards, you could ask someone in your house to remove it first and then build up to doing it? Not sure if any of this helps but you’re not alone! But also not under any kind of threat whatsoever, no matter how long the kitchen floor hasn’t been cleaned. To give an example (can’t believe I once did this!!!) but I walked barefoot from hove to Brighton and came home and didn’t even think about it, just got a shower and went back out. Nothing happened to me! Didn’t clean the shower, I went in my room and didn’t think about the carpet- nothing. It was freedom! We can all get back to having that freedom

Think it’s also so hard to deal with toilet issues because we grow up learning to always wash hands and know that toilets are full of germs so I’ve exaggerated this and made it seem so vital that I can’t be exposed to it. I’m not even sure if it’s mostly worrying about getting sick from germs or more the uncomfortableness of associating my personal space and me with anything to do with the toilet.

Thank you this helps a lot, I do understand your explanation and it makes sense. It’s good to know it can occur for contamination ocd too. Just such a weird thing to experience and I guess you think about it so much you believe it. Just never had that with just looking at something! Didn’t know it could be so strong ? Tried my hardest to move on and forced myself not to change my bed sheets etc. I want to be able to get to the point where I can actually move on without constant anxiety, letting go is so hard!

This makes sense. Thank you. Doubt can be so powerful!