Winter1

Thank you snowbear

I've noticed a lot of my compulsions are mental compulsions, I'll tell the voice to go away, count or recite things. Anything to get rid of the anxiety and the thoughts.

I am currently waiting for CBT therapy, but it keeps getting pushed back.

The intrusive thoughts became a voice about a month ago, and says nasty things "I should die, I'm a pedophile, I'm no good for anyone, germs and contamination, I should hurt my family, I should hurt myself" the whole lot. Every time I am able to ignore that voice, the next time it makes an appearance it seems to be louder and more violent. The compulsions are getting more extreme, to the point where Im not even realising I'm doing them. I'm avoiding people, hitting my head, rubbing the skin off my fingers, having to double check doors are locked, etc. I think Im mostly worried that I seem to be taking two steps forward, three steps back, and if I'm honest, I'm scared.

I'm struggling with OCD at the moment. The voices are getting louder and more bold in accusations and telling me what I should do, and the compulsions are getting stronger. My support network is all but nothing now, the few people I do have are working more often than not. I am on the list for therapy, but it's been moved 6 times now and I'm struggling.

Hi Cora, If you need anyone to talk to, I'm always happy to listen ?

I'm up for trying anything at this point. Any help or pointers, I will always appreciate.

I don't know how to deal with this on my own. The intrusive thoughts are near constant at this point, about any topic they feel best to attack me with, from POCD to relationship OCD or harm OCD and contamination. My compulsions are getting worse and more noticeable to those around me. Both mental health services I've been referred to keep shunting my appointment till later dates and I'm struggling to cope with all this. I'm getting through day to day but I feel as though I'm running on bare minimum.

I have OCD and ADHD. With the ADHD my mind is constantly active and there are always thoughts or daydreams going on up there. This also means that for me, I find intrusive thoughts hard to shake because the ADHD wants to focus on it, feeding back into the OCD. However lately I've noticed that I get 'blank moments', where my head is fuzzy and I'm unsure of what I've been thinking. Though I have no control over this, this is leading to a spike in my anxiety as I end up worrying that the intrusive thoughts have been present and I haven't noticed, which leads to more anxiety as the intrusive thoughts then occur ?. I'm trapped in a loop. As always, apologies for the rant ??.

So a few weeks ago, my mental health got so bad that I almost commited suicide. Ever since, it's been a constant thought in my head and my mental health is declining. I went to A+E and the mental health nurses there were fantastic and referred me to all the major mental health services in my area. However, 3 out of 4 have told me that I do not 'fit their category' for any support or that they believe that I have no need for said support, and have left me with nothing, not even a plan to contact any other services. And final one has yet to get back to me but they may not be able to help or support me in the way that I need. I get the mental health services are suffering, before and during Covid, and they have limited capacity for those they can support, but it feels like a slap in the face to essentially be told I'm not 'sick enough' or suffering the right problems to be seen by the services or receive any form of help (I understand that may not be the case but it's what it feels like). Apologies for this rant but I needed to get it off my chest.

Thank you snowbear, I will definitely do that.

Could I just be anxious around children? Cos the shivers have happened for years. I know asking for reassurance is not a good thing to do but I am genuinely confused by what is going on in my head.

This is where I'm confused. I get anxious around children, I get the weird tingly shiver around children yet none of the intrusive thoughts are sexual, nor do I get any urges or desires to do anything to children. More like the thoughts just throw the word "child" at me, or I just get an image of a kid's face, or for some reason is constantly aware of where a child is? So I have no idea what my brain is trying to do but it's taking up a big portion of my mental time.

As I've started in my previous posts, my intrusive thoughts and obsession seems to stem around children at the current time and I panicked that that meant I was a paedophile. However none of my intrusive thoughts were sexual in any nature. I'd get a tingly shiver and jump to conclusions. However, my partner suggested that, as I'm 23, my body may be preparing me to have a child, yet I am asexual and have no desire to have children, biologically or by other methods. Is it possible for my body to unconsciously want and prepare for a child yet my mind adamantly does not? I'm aware no-one may have the answer but this is my only platform for asking things like this at the current time ?

I'm unsure how to get off the treadmill. I've tried a lot of things people have suggested, even before I found this forum but all that's happening is the thoughts are being louder and it's leading to more breakdowns and disassociation.

I have no idea why I'm writing this. I don't think it's to get reassurance, at least I hope not. I think this is just a way to get the thoughts out of my head because this intrusive thought topic has got it's claws into me and I can't shake them and possibly get some ideas on how to fight this. Ever since my brain has tried to convince me I'm a p word (I can't say it a second time ?) because I get a tingly shiver sometimes when I see children, I get the urge to look at them when I am near them or if I hear them outside, or in TV shows or films, or my brain will conjure an image of a child, not in a sexual manner, well usually, sometimes my thoughts are just that cruel, hell I can't even hug a cuddly toy cos my brain tells me it's like touching a child innapropriately. Most of the thoughts literally consist of the thoughts throwing the word kid or child at me to see how I react. The weirdest part is, I'm struggling to enjoy watching TV or listening to music because I get thoughts like "what if a kid watched/listened to this". I get it is a compulsion, if I look at the kid and don't get a shiver then I'm not attracted to them right and that means I'm not a p word, but at the same time, another thought tells me that the urge is me getting gratification from looking at the child. I don't know how to break this. I don't know how long it is going to be till I can get professional help and this is destroying my life, and taking up every waking moment of my life. I don't get where this is coming from, I was fine until 3 months ago.

Thank you ?

Thank you snowbear, for the overview and for the list of books. I will definitely be looking into them.

It was more helpful than you think, thank you.

How have you managed to get through them? I'm not quite sure what I'm doing wrong but I can't loosen their hold on me during that time.

So it's a genuine thing??? The last week has been hell for me as it felt like the thoughts had an iron grip on me until I started my period and it became a bit easier to dismiss the thoughts.

Ladies with OCD, do your symptoms, intrusive thoughts and compulsions get noticeably worse when you are nearing your period?

I am currently on the waiting list for CBT but I don't know how long that will take. Is there anything you could suggest that I do whilst I am waiting to be contacted?

Additional because I apparently cannot edit my own post anymore. The shivers have increased since I acknowledged them which I am aware I shouldn't have, and the intrusive thoughts are taking up nearly every second of my day.

I'm female, 23 and asexual. I've never had any sexual thoughts, desires or impluses about anyone and I am fully aware that I would never hurt anyone in any way. I have suffered from OCD for years and the obsessions have varied from topic to topic. Recently I noticed that I would occasionally get a tingly shiver that would go through my chest and down to my genitals when I saw a child. I would have no thoughts, urges or desires to do anything to the child, half the time I wouldn't even register that there was a child, but the shiver would happen. A few months ago, my brain latched onto the idea that the shiver is arousal or that discharge from the vagina is arousal and that makes me a pedophile and now the thoughts revolve around that idea and occasionally get disturbing images. I get thoughts constantly going "is that a child" or "are there children near?", whenever I see a person despite knowing they are an adult, which is confusing. I occasionally masturbate as I very rarely get the urge to but those are few and far between, but now I'm second guessing every time I have, wondering if I have unintentionally been thinking of children? I've never been able to stand children, they've always made me uncomfortable. I get distressed whenever I see a child, constantly worrying that I have done something in the past, worried that I am turning into what the thoughts are telling me, worried that the shiver is going to develop into something more, worried that I am actually sexually attracted to children. I'm struggling to live life normally, I've found myself withdrawing from my friends, my partner knows but there is only so much they can do, I get anxious in public places, can't enjoy things that I used to enjoy and this is ruining my life. I have no idea why I'm making this post. Maybe to see if I'm alone in this or not, or maybe just to get the thoughts out of my head.