Jump to content

Nata1ie

Bulletin Board User
  • Posts

    20
  • Joined

  • Last visited

Previous Fields

  • OCD Status
    Living with OCD

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    Yorkshire

Recent Profile Visitors

192 profile views
  1. I find with my OCD leading up to the festive period I become more depressed at the feeling of having ocd moments because Christmas should be happy but now I've quite possibly caught hiv from a receipt holder spike I can't be happy...does that make sense? I wanted to feel certain I was ok for Christmas. Christmas is my absolute favourite time of year so I hate it when ocd rears it's ugly head. It's like I subconsciously put pressure on myself to feel happy & well as I can at Christmas. Then typically ocd comes in & just make me feel so low! I can't even get a temporary fix of my home hiv test as I have to wait 12 weeks after I cut my finger. That takes it to after January. So no relief for Christmas. I'm feeling pretty gutted & disappointed I've ruined the wonderful Christmas feeling I look forward too. I've tainted it again with my hiv ocd....?
  2. Thanks @HedgehogI really hoping I get some relief. I'm at the Doctors next week ss fingers crossed.
  3. How can I learn to differentiate real threats/exposures to just my ocd talking? I want to be able to say this isn't anything to worry about, it's just my ocd.
  4. Why do we keep trying to seek reassurance from Google? Even though it gets us nowhere... it's like I'm constantly feeling the pull to Google hiv risks
  5. Really focusing on a few key points today & it's made a bit of a difference to that dreaded heavy feeling I get. • Stop looking at it as an exposure • Why is it specifically hiv I'm panicking about • Why am I treating a significantly, extremely low to non-existence risk as a massive deal It's helping a little
  6. Good question @Handy I guess if I think about it its just the fear of feeling like once you have it that's it you can't get rid of it, I feel like it's the end of the world. My life would be tainted. I want to feel free of fear & contamination. But I can't actually fully fathom why. My brother when he was a toddler got a needlestick injury from a needle found on the grass verge & I remember been so scared as my mam was absolutely passed herself. She didn't deal with things very well back then. Probably because her life was so hard. I've spend so much of my life living in fear & constantly worrying aboutmost things. I know this stems from my traumic childhood of always feeling frightened. There's got to be something in it. To carry the same habits & beliefs into adulthood.
  7. @snowbear I'm going to finish watching Colombo. Then to bed with a cuppa & my new books. Thank you for all your words!
  8. Hi @Summer9173 after years & years of suffering in silence & in constant fear of being judged. I decided to open up up about all my fears & intrusive thoughts. At times I was cringing as I spoke or wrote about them. But I can honestly say I'm so pleased I did. I've got such a long way to go but not bottling up these fears has made a huge difference in my recovery journey. Sending you hope & strength
  9. @snowbear what you've just said here really does make absolute sense! I really do owe it to myself to do what you said & take a leap of faith because years & years of going over the same old habits has got me nowhere. If my totally honest this bit where I read "may there's some risk" made me feel quite ill at the thought but I know I can say that risk is so tiny is practically non-existent. So why do I feel so ill at the thought?
  10. Sorry to be a pain @snowbear but a colleague did comment an hour or so before me saying that the receipt spike was sharp & they just caught their finger on it, but there was no visible wet blood on it. If that hadn't of happened previously maybe I could let it go but all I'm seeing is this is classed as an exposure? I'm really trying to realise people cut themselves all the time on everyday sharp objects. Even so if someone did cut themselves minutes before are they going on like me r is it the ocd. Does that make sense? I'm so confused if it's my ocd or thst fact I should be a little concerned about a risk? You're absolutely right about about finding something else to worry about, that's what I've done practically my whole life. I felt I was doing so well but my new job has brought about new fears & worries irrational or otherwise.
  11. Thanks @snowbear that's a really good idea on making a list. I will certainly do that. A colleague did comment an hour or so before me saying that the receipt spike was sharp & they just caught their finger on it, so it does happen. But there was no visible wet blood on it & my finger didn't bleed until I squeezed it & ran it under the tap. I'm still finding it really difficult to say the risk is not completely impossible. So it's extremely difficult & disappointing to feel like it's not my irrational brain but my rational thoughts/facts. I want my brain to feel like I'm 100% safe from that exposure. Or shouldn't I call it that? I'm calling it an exposure, which is causing me alot of panic. When really regardless of my colleague scratching their finger before mine still isn't a big deal? Is that correct? If this happened to a person without ocd they wouldn't give it a second thought? My goal is though once my 12 weeks after exposure are up & I can take the test. I want to be at the stage were I really don't feel the need or urge to take it, if that makes sense.
  12. Am I not right in thinking I cut my finger on a solid needle type sharps object, so therefore if someone with hiv pricked their finger before me which does happen at work that it's a possible exposure? Very small I agree but still an exposure? I'm at the stage now where I don't know anymore ??? I can usually say to myself it's my intrusive thought but with this one it's also a little bit possible, an extremely tiny chance but still...
  13. I remember that scary advert & at that time I was a very scared child dealing with a lot of trauma,so I think there's definitely something in that.
  14. Thanks for this reply @snowbear you're absolutely right in what you say! I couldn't find anything on Google to say pricking you're finger on a receipt holder spike = no risk. I've got so many screen shots on my phone of facts about needlestick injuries & minimal risk from sewing/knitting needles etc it's silly, I know I'm being silly. But this dreadful, heavy feeling just won't subside. Looking at the screenshot don't seem to help anymore. It's a yes to my interpretation of this, you're so right! I just wish my brain & thoughts could understand that too. I've just got myself a good little part-time job, which I really enjoy but everytime I cut my finger on something, it's like the end of the world. I've even purchased a hiv test & it's sat in my drawer ready for my 12wk after exposure date. I just know that if I cut myself again I'll have the urge to go & buy another test. I feel like I'll be stuck in this cycle forever. But I'm definitely going to start the books today.
  15. Hey @Hedgehog thank you. No I haven't. I got prescribed Citalopram a few years after having my daughter. I think it worked a little for my anxiety but I wouldn't go on it again. Sertraline is definitely worth a try but I must admit going back on any form of medication - the side effects scare me. I know we're all different but what bad side effects should I look out for? I'm guessing the way I feel now I'd take the bad side effects over these crippling thoughts any day.
×
×
  • Create New...