Summer9173

Hello everybody, You wont believe what I just did…. I went to watch the London Marathon in person today! My partner was running so it was only right I went to watch and the atmosphere was great. I must admit, I did get caught every so often in a really tight crowd that just didn’t seem to move which was horrible, but it was really emotional watching people running for their chosen charities and get closer to the finish line. When my partner spotted me he ran over and gave me a kiss which was lovely, I think it was like an ‘i’m proud of you’ moment for both of us! i live around 40 minutes from central London, so me and my mum went together via the Tube which may I just say was horrendous. I had horrible intrusive thoughts, especially when someone would be in front of me near the train tracks, but I did it. I also ended up taking a diazepam again which I felt like a let down with that but it was just to crowded and a big push exposure wise but it’s shown me I can do it, as this time last year I could barely leave my area - let alone go to London. My OCD is bashing me now though as I’m thinking things such as ‘yes but you still need your mum and you had a diazepam so it wasn’t really a proper exposure’ and horrible things like that…. But I went to Buckingham palace and Hyde Park which was so nice, I really did enjoy myself - even on the busy BUSY tubes. I thought I’d share that win as it’s so big to me.

Hi everybody, I just wanted to check in on here, as since my OCD hasn’t been as bad recently, i’ve also been on the forums and the groups less. Since the end of January, it got to a point where I just wasn’t experiencing intrusive thoughts or urges like I had been every single day for the past 2 years. It was the best feeling ever, like I actually fully accepted that OCD was an illness that isn’t my fault. I’ve been going out on dates with my partner around sharp knives and strangers, no horrible urges 24/7, even watching horror films again with my partner which we used to enjoy doing before my OCD hit me like a tonne of bricks, I even watched the Texas Chainsaw Mascara movie (which was absolutely disgusting and did make me feel really uncomfortable), but I went to sleep with my partner straight after the movie? Last year me would never have even dreamt of that. Until, a couple of days ago, I felt that horrible wave again. The intrusive thoughts/urges, the anxiety, and I straight away thought blocked and got scared because I’ve had the most amazing 2 months mentally, it’s like I’m traumatised of the feeling, does anybody else feel that way? it’s like I’m absolutely terrified of feeling any sort of anxiety or OCD urge because it’s made my life a living hell. My ADHD makes things a lot more difficult when it comes to relapses too, because I try to implement what I’ve learnt in CBT/ERP, but my brain just goes off to other things it really is so tough. I did buy a DBT workbook from Amazon which I think I’m going to go through also. I think I find comfort in feeling completely numb and it isn’t right, when I feel emotions I feel them so intensely, all I can explain it is it feels like I’m hormonal for the whole month as opposed to my time of the month? I’ve also been impulsive spending and not caring about things like that too, so I guess my ADHD diagnosis has made me alot more aware of things that make treatment difficult, it’s just I like feeling numb because then those horrible thoughts and anxiety can’t hurt me it’s like a trauma response. I just wanted to come on here to ask if anybody else has experienced this on the road to their recovery?

Thank you everybody for your advice, it really does help and I have been a lot better over the past couple of days. I have been looking after myself a lot more, I decided to go to my local spa on my own on Sunday! it was so lovely and actually made me appreciate me time a lot more, i done some swimming on my own and went in the steam room and sauna, i then had a massage which was lovely and really helped with my stress levels quite a lot actually. I’m trying to slowly distance myself from things that are causing me most stress, I haven’t seen my dad this week due to his alcoholism becoming to much for me on top of my own struggles. He came round today to apologise and left for the last bus home, an hour later he’s ringing the doorbell drunk on straight vodka I had to call my Nan to pick him up. It’s tough but I just can’t handle it anymore as bad as that sounds, I’ve become the parent and I need to remember I ain’t and it’s not my responsibility- and my OCD loves responsibility. I’ve also started staying round my partners house more frequently which has been a big achievement. I used to be to scared to stray away from home due to my harm OCD and stay anywhere else, but I’ve started to now and it feels great. I feel a lot more independent too and just free.

Thank you everybody for your kind comments it really helps me reading what’s on here when I’m going through a rough time. Me and my therapist went through schema therapy today for what I’ve gone through as a child/teen and even now - my gosh it’s amazing! I’ve only had 1 session learning about schema therapy and it’s really been insightful, so hopefully that goes well. I’ve had to put the CBT for my OCD on hold for now because there’s just too much going on. My partners dad is also having surgery at a hospital in London, I’m quite close with his father too and I’ve been asked if I’d like to go with him? I’d be getting the train and it is in central, I feel nervous even thinking about it but I’m not putting to much pressure on myself to do this exposure after what’s happened. Do you ever feel pressured by yourself to do an exposure?

I’m scared a ghost or something evil is going to pop out at me I keep battling with my head if I saw something or not I’m so scared

Hello everybody, It’s been a while since I came on the forums, I’ve been doing fairly ok up until recently because I’ve had a lot of horrible things going on and I just need some comfort. On Saturday, my dad tried to kill himself. He was catching the bus home from where we live back to his house - which is around 45 minutes away. My dad is an alcoholic, so he’s gone missing before to get drunk which led to me asking him to sign his phone number up so I can trace where his phone is. I know it sounds extreme, but he was talking about suicide and I couldn’t risk it. I hadn’t heard from him, so I looked on the tracker and he was in a park. I tried to call him multiple times and he wouldn’t answer and so did other family members, he then sent a goodbye message to my mum so I ended up calling the police and they after an hour found him and took him to hospital. He’s been discharged, but I’m absolutely traumatised I feel so stressed it was horrible, even calling the police and speaking to them crying down the phone. Now my OCD is kicking in, i just went to make myself a cup of water for bed until I looked up and I thought, for about 0.5 seconds I saw a face outside starring back at me. I’m now really paranoid there’s a ghost/someone outside and I’m really tense and on edge. I know it’s all the stress That’s making me feel like this, but I never hallucinate but then I’m stressed and my OCD loves stress. I’m sorry, I’m crying writing this and I just need a hug. Those who have been following my journey on here knows my brother got sectioned at 16 this time last year 2 years ago, so it’s already a really horrible time of year I just need a hug.

(I’m so sorry for the long post) Hello, I haven’t been on the forums in a while because my OCD has been doing ok up until now. I’m feeling really overwhelmed from an exposure I did and just need some comfort because it was really tough, and I feel like I can’t talk to anybody around me about it because they just don’t understand how tough exposures actually are. So, one of the exposures at the top of my list was going into London. Now, this time last year I never would’ve even imagined going to London, but I have done it 3 times now with my family and my partner altogether. However, me and my partner decided to go on again on Valentine’s Day, because In my head we’d gone to Canary Wharf 3 times already with my family, so I felt confident it being just us. We got an Uber there and I was absolutely fine for the first 10 minutes of the drive, until I realised in my head I’m far away from home and I’m far away from my designated restaurant and suddenly I felt really trapped. I ended up having a terrible silent panic attack that was so bad I felt like I was going to loose control of my bowels in the Uber. I’m getting really upset writing that because my anxiety has never been that bad to the point I thought that was going to happen. I only live half an hour away from London, so it’s not even that far but I ended up eating my meal and enjoying myself. Some members of my family inc my mum were also nearby on the same day so we met up with them after too, but even that I feel like I failed the exposure completely as I still needed my mum around as a safety net and I also took a diazepam before going. Now I’m in this big rumination that I’m 21 and I can’t do anything without my mum around - I feel like such a let down. I’m proud that I went, but I’ve never experienced fear at that intensity before. The day after, I must have slept up until 1pm because I felt like I’d been beaten up - luckily I booked time of work in advance, as I had a feeling this would happen. I’m sorry for the long post, maybe I did push myself a little to much, but I really wanted to do it and be independent and go to places I’ve never been I felt amazing after until the next day. I think what I need to work on is the fear of going to places, as when I’m there I’m actually ok and enjoy myself, but when I’m on my way to somewhere and I don’t know the driver or I feel trapped or I’m ruminating about what’s going to happen, that’s when the anxiety is most heightened.

I hear you. The NHS are just so overstretched at the moment, it just seems like it’s all over the place. I ended up going private for my treatment and all my wages pretty much go on my health. I work in The pain Management departtmenr in a Hospital and even the waiting lists for that are ridiculously long. I think it’s the waiting and the anticipation of what do you do now while your waiting which is the worst. I struggle focusing on other things while I’m waiting for these ‘follow-ups’ etc, that’s why the zoom groups on here have helped me so much I really recommend them, they’ve helped me more than any therapist/doctor ever has.

I’ve just set my own Bupa health insurance quote up, but as I was reading the reference number to the lady I forgot what the letter W was called and my mind just went blank. It’s made me really panic I’ve just been in a state and so unwell and I have to go back to work tomorrow

Thank you everyone . I am having a really bad day today, I haven’t had such a bad day like this in a while I’m full of anxiety it’s horrible. I think its the unknowing of what’s wrong with me and NHS waiting times etc. I have been referred to ENT and my appointment is in April, but i feel so anxious that I have to wait. I must admit, I have also been researching more and reading all the horror stories, it’s just I know this sounds silly but my hospital trip was horrible I feel as though I’m experiencing trauma for it. My nails went really blue/black after my IV and I was non stop shaking, in that moment I was so scared and it keeps replaying in my mind even though I was okay. I just want to cryI’m off work today and I was off yesterday but I just have crippling anxiety.

Hi everybody, I was in hospital on Saturday due to suspected meningitis which really scared me, it turned out not to be that but I’ve never felt so scared and now I keep ruminating on being in the hospital ward, as I’ve never experienced anything like that before. I’ve had sinusitis for over a month now since before Xmas, then on Saturday morning I began to feel really dizzy and confused (like my brain felt muzzled), it felt like someone was squeezing my brain and I had vomited twice. The back of my neck then began to ache and I was quite sensitive to the light, I've had these symptoms for so long now, but it’s like they all heightened x100 on the Saturday morning. I ended up calling 111, to which I saw an out of hours GP and ended up in my local A&E. Long story short, I got taken to the A&E ward, the doctor was worried it was meningitis but I was still able to look at the light, so they put me on an IV drip and he got a second opinion from a consultant. As my IV drip was coming to an end my nails then went purple/blue/blackish and I was shivering really bad, so a nurse took me to a bed and covered me in blankets. I think it’s the idea that I didn’t know what was going on, plus I felt so dizzy and horrible when the doctor was doing the meningitis examination, i just wanted to cry. They ended up ruling out meningitis but gave me antibiotics anyway - even tho I’ve had 2 different courses of antibiotics which haven’t helped!! & was told if my symptoms get worse to go straight back to hospital. I know with OCD I should accept the unknown, but I genuinely am really scared it’ll get worse again because it’s just absolutely horrible being on a ward not actually knowing what’s going on. I’m sorry to rant, I just really need somebody to talk too.

Hello, I’ve been doing quite well recently, but over the past couple of days I’ve gone into such a spiral and it feels horrible. I started Pregabalin 1 month ago now, and increased to 100mg a week ago. I’ve been feeling quite paranoid like someone or something is going to jump out at me where I’m hallucinating and don’t feel with it. But it’s just this strong paranoia and I’m hypersensitive to literally everything. I have had sinusitis for 1 month which causes me to feel foggy with bad sinus headaches and spaced out, whereas the side effect I experience the most with Pregabalin is feeling spacey/drunk feeling, so that doesn’t really help. I know we all get told that if your not to sure if it’s OCD, then it is OCD, but I really am not sure what’s going on here but it feels absolutely horrible. I just have this heightened fear and I don’t even know why and extreme paranoia? I’d really like some advice on this as it feels horrible.

Thank you @snowbear, it was a relief knowing I have ADHD because I always struggled, even with completing ERP tasks and most of my exposures were impulsively unplanned, I just feel stressed and now I’m looking at stimulants as requested by my psychiatrist to see if they help. I just wish people understood, but I can’t force people to do that. I know my mum feels embarrassed and I think that’s why I’ve always been scared to tell people. But I just don’t care anymore, I must admit that I have been quite stressed out and seen a spike in my OCD/anxiety but I just need to keep on going.

Hi everybody I showed my mum my official ADHD diagnosis today and she screamed at me saying your just going to use it as an excuse to do nothing now and saying I’m lying about it. It’s really triggered my OCD and now I’ve convinced myself that I lied on the assessment because I don’t fit the impulsive a lot but I matched the criteria of the inattentive ADHD side/symptoms so I got my diagnosis. My Nan doesn’t believe me either, why do I feel the need to prove myself for constantly? They were the same with my OCD, I don’t understand?

Hi everyone, I’ve not been doing well at all and really needed someone to talk too because I can’t see my therapist next week either as she is on holiday. So, my 4 year partner cheated on me last week and I’ve been an absolute mess, that aside I haven’t been eating, sleeping I’m an absolute mess. But then my mind went to something else that happened and my OCD is trying to convince me that my grandad touched me inappropriately even though he didn’t. I’m sorry I just need someone to talk to because I’m such a mess with everything and now I’m pushing everyone away I really need someone to talk to even if it’s a reply I’ve been so alone. My grandad once when we were sitting on the sofa he usually puts his hands down the side gaps of the sofa to keep his hands cool, my mum does it too, but then he put his hand flat down under my upper leg and I could tell from looking at him he didn’t realise but now my heads scared that he’s a monster he’s this he’s that and if I say something bad things will happen even though it wasn’t bad. It did make me feel uncomfortable but he’s never done anything bad or like that since my heads just a mess and I’m already feeling depressed I’m sorry I just need someone to talk too.

I second this!! I listen to brown noise (it’s called brownian noise on the calm app) it’s amazing and on a low volume helps shut up my brain. I also love the Harry Styles sleep story too, his voice is super relaxing.

Hi everybody, I am struggling at the moment but I haven’t been very active on the forums. I’ve just been feeling so exhausted with a foggy head, even writing this I’m just so exhausted but I do need support. A lot of people I know, like friends and people on social media, are always going on dates/holiday with their partners, but I feel so guilty because me and my partner have been together for 4 years and he hasn’t stayed round I haven’t stayed found his either yet, we haven’t gone on holiday together and we barely go on dates and it’s all because I’m too scared because of my OCD. I feel like I let him down so much, he says he doesn’t mind but I compare myself to literally every couple and they are all doing that kind of stuff together and I can’t give him that at all. I know I will be able to hopefully one day, but I have so much going on I just struggle then I put so much pressure on myself / feel guilty for letting him down. He says he doesn’t mind and he understands, and I do treat him really well despite all of this, but I feel like such a let down.

I got a blood test done recently and my vitamin d came back very low, I think it’s always worth getting a blood test once a year or so to check if vitamins are necessary because a lack of certain vitamins can increase the OCD symptoms as well as other symptoms too, well in my experience anyway. My vitamin D deficiency not only increased my OCD, but also made me overwhelmingly tired and really depressed too but the supplements are helping with that. I’ve tired multivitamins, but I think the doses weren’t high enough for most of them to actually make a difference, I probably noticed the most effect with cod liver oil supplements and probiotics & vit D. Of course vitamins aren’t a cure but anything that helps even if it’s a little bit It’s always worth a try. I’ve heard people take ashwaganda and magnesium for anxiety too.

This is what I keep saying to myself, I’ve only just learnt it can vary in severity and my brother has it very severe whereas my grandad doesn’t. I’ll keep with updates as to what my psychiatrist thinks but I just feel really exhausted in my mind.

Thank you @DRS1, I feel so embarrassed for oversharing and I’ve always done it I feel really overwhelmed with everything this evening and I’m trying to relax but my mind just has 10000 conversations going on. I put on brown noise and that helps, it’s just sad I’ve got OCD and now another thing I have to tackle. It’s hard to know what to say and what not to say with people I just can’t help but over share.

Hi everyone, Just thought I’d come on here because I’m really struggling with what it seems like ADHD symptoms, I’ve just been noticing it more and more at work and I think it’s something I might speak to my psychiatrist about, but I’m not really to sure? I just wanted to ask has anybody else got experience with OCD & ADHD? So, my brother, my mum and her dad (my grandad) all have diagnosed ADHD, but there all the same very hyper and loud and from what I’ve always thought I’m not really like that. However, when I’m with new people I always overspeak about things and I’ve noticed sometimes I do talk over people, I guess you could say from the excitement of the conversation. On my first day at my new job I spoke about getting my IUD fitted and I thought to myself after why did I go into detail about that with strangers? It not just that, I get bored very quickly, I’m my last role I was so hyperfixated on it at the start and then just kinda got really bored really quickly and I panicked because I was so bored. But I’d be playing games on my phone at the desk, constantly getting up etc, and that has carried over to my new job too - I guess you could say the boredom feels painful? I’m terrible at organising certain things and I just feel like I have to get up and do things because I feel fidgety. It’s not just at work it is also at home, when I have therapy I never do the homework because I forget or I ‘can’t be bothered’, I know that sounds terrible but I just can’t keep my attention, even when I’m in the therapy sessions and even on the support groups I can’t sit down and listen for long. I also always go into to much detail with things and get overwhelmed and look for things to cheer me up. My bad habit at the moment is spending money I don’t have, I feel embarrassed to say this but I’m -£500 in my overdraft , just because I’m looking for a dopamine hit? I’ve never wrote all of that out before, so it’s interesting reading this post back, I guess you could say I’ve always been scared I’ll be judged so I hide it. It’s really badly effecting my work and my OCD, I’m not to sure if it’s just worry or something I should look at?

I spoke with my therapist today and she also reckons it could also be possible ADHD due to what I’m experiencing. It wouldn’t be a surprise as my mum, brother and grandad all have ADHD too and I have been asked in the past by people if I have it due to how quickly I get bored with things/lack of attention etc. It is quite frustrating as I feel like I’m letting myself down, I’m just really struggling in the office at the moment. it was the same in my last job but not as bad as it is now so I think I might go down that route of support for this because I’m really struggling.

Thank you both for your replies , I have noticed a pattern in me that I didn’t notice before, but my brother, my mum and grandad both have ADHD and I’ve noticed I show similar traits and there coming out in my work. I get bored very quickly if I’m not hyper focused on something I find interesting, when I find something interesting I burn myself out but learning every single thing about it. I struggle to finish one thing off I always start another thing when I’m doing the 1st thing too I’ve noticed and feel like my head is 100mph. It’s just so hard I feel so overwhelmed already and it’s only day 2.

Thank you @Heartly i think it’s a bit of both, when I think of work and going into work I feel dread and panic and I wish I didn’t feel this way.

Hi everyone, I feel pathetic writing this post, but I feel so disappointed in myself and let down I could just cry. I started my new job on Monday that’s local (about a 5 minute walk and is only 8-2 everyday), I thought I hit the jackpot and was so happy when I got the role as it’s a band 4 too which is quite high up, but I really don’t think it’s for me and now my OCD has latched onto this big time. I’m feeling trapped, like I don’t know where I’m going in life, and I’m overthinking it massively, but I’m feeling how I felt when I was at my old job. My last workplace was extremely toxic, my manager had a spreadsheet where he would write every single thing I’d get wrong/mistakes on which made me paranoid, as well as the bully culture and high turnover, so since I had a bad experience for my first proper job, I’m worried it’s effected my future roles too. I feel stupid even writing this because I know some people don’t even have jobs and I am lucky, but I feel anxious because it’s just not me at all. I’m feeling very agitated and I’ve already been super disorganised because of how anxious I’ve been. I wanted to like the job so much but because I don’t so far I’m worrying, I keep saying to myself I’m only 21 but I think I’m still really exhausted from my last job?