Catherine X

However, It's already imperfect. No matter how hard I try to mend, the fact that it's already imperfect stays. I am permanently imperfect. What can I do? Those who made me imperfect can not be forgiven. It's as if I am back to ten years ago, turning into the child who wouldn't stop crying one night straight because something was 'wrong'. That poor child kept shouting:'What can I do? What can I do?" I was in so much pain!!! Why do I have to suffer? Indeed, the desperated feeling I'm having now is exactly the same as that, which is something is 'wrong' so I won't recover forever. I long for console, long for someone to assure me that I can recover, but all I get is beatings, threatening, and punishment. And this kind of feeling can't be solved by approaching it from a higher 'level'. The 'perfect feeling' or 'imperfect feeling' is the foundation of everything. Those above are the translated version. It took me five minutes to write and twenty minutes to translate!? For the original version, which is much better by the way, click this: http://2067742771.qzone.qq.com

To clarify, why is that I feel angry every time I think of those thoughts? There's a teacher who hurt me tremendousmy. She keeps occurring in my dreams and she is part of the reason I suffer from insomnia. However, she said she had no problem falling asleep every night! Ironically, she is my English teacher, but she didn't teach one piece of useful English. So if my English is too terrible, it's her fault (doge). Doge means I'm joking!!! It was she who told my class teacher that I was late. I can even imagine her stressing how lazy I am with exaggerated "facts". She always blames me based on imaginary "facts". I dislike her very much. That's why anger grips my heart every time I have those thoughts.

Oh God! It should be "I said I couldn't…" in the last paragraph.

I haven't suffered from intrusive thoughts as serious as this for a long time. The suffering of intrusive thoughts is different from those caused by physical pain. When suffering from intrusive thoughts, I feel the pain of inperfectness, I feel like nothing at all can cheer me up and I'm powerless. I don't think anyone would understand me, but I guess I'd better type this out. Here is what is on my mind. I was reading a book called <why we sleep> last December, which is a good book by the way, and gradually, I began to realize the importance of a good night's sleep. However, since I wasn't granted the opportunity to get a full night sleep due to academic pressure, I actually couldn't sleep well at night. Every night I forced me to sleep knowing the consequence of lack of sleep. The result of that was my insomnia became worse and worse. So, consequently, I couldn't get up on time, and thus I was late for school more than once. On December 30the last year, again, I was late. We did a "nucleic acid testing" for COVID(I translated it via e-dictionary) that day. Every teacher and every student must be tested, and if someone was sick at home, he must attend school to take the test. Trucks drove in the campus, nurses in full protection clothes took the test. So, we stood outside waiting to be tested in the freezing cold weather, and my class teacher approached me. She made sure that I understand the importance of morning classes. I said yes madam I do understand and thought that if I was late for school again I might get into serious trouble.(By the way, we are required to attend school before 7:10 in the morning, and we do not use the Daylight Saving Time, so it is quite early in the winter.) As usual, I couldn't fall asleep that night. To make sure that I wouldn't be late again, I set my alarm 20 minutes early on December 31th. I went school on time the next day, but there wasn't teacher in the classroom. She probably went to the other class she taught. I thought I should have slept for 20 minutes more. That thought quickly faded away as I began that day's study. However, remember it's December 31th? I got very emotional at the end of the year, and had a very difficult time welcoming the new year. I said to my classmate that I didn't want to start 2022, to which she replied if you kill yourself today, you don't have to welcome the new year. (NOTE: She's a good student, and this was just a joke which we both knew.) Actually, I always dreamt that I could kill myself on special days like the end of the year, and what she said was exactly the thought I had on mind. After school, I took my dog out for a run. Running stirred some VERY PAINFUL memories of mine. I wanted to die even more. I thought now that I had achieved the goal of this year, and made up for what I lost, I didn't want to continue. I went home, and began writing a dairy. For the one thousandth time, I wrote down how much I wanted to die. For the one thousandth time, I didn't kill myself after writing those words. Now you may wonder, what does this have to do with OCD? Forgive for writing all those irrelevant things please. I'm going to tell you. This is the part I think you may find it hard to relate with because the main character is Eileen Gu. She is a household name in China. (I must reveal my nationality now.) Beijing is holding the Winter Olympics Games, and Gu is a very famous athlete. I believe her heroic experience is available on the Internet if you are interested. It is said that she sleeps for 10 hours every day. I told my classmates half joking half serious that I envy her so much, when confronting their remarks that Gu can run faster than me. I said I can't even sleep as much as her, which brought us to laughter. However, three hours after the conversation, I began having repeated thoughts of that incident on Dec.30 last year. I thought that I could have slept longer that day. What if I didn't stand in the line on the right, so that my teacher couldn't see me? I thought because I didn't get enough sleep that night, I was pathetic on December 31th, which led to my suicidal thoughts. I thought those could have been avoided. Thoughts like that keep lingering. I am driven crazy by them.

I always count in the jet lag.? It's eight hours earlier than UK here, sometimes seven. I sometimes even set my vpn in the UK when I call.(shh it's illegal)

Thank you for your compassionate words. But I'm afraid I don't have the right to report my teachers. If we did have, lots of terrible teachers would lose their jobs already. After a night's sleep, I feel even worse. I dreamt about violent scenes all night. That Dec.30 incidence is still haunting my mind. All I can feel is anger and anger. It's so unfair! I feel so powerless and I can't even get out of bed.

Also,I have called the number of ocduk for hundreds of times since last year, but I'm afraid none of those calls are answered. Is that a real number?

"hunted" in the second paragraph should be "hurt"

It's 23:30 here, and I'm still awake. Today is the first day of the new semester here, we had a ceremony on which teachers and students are widely complimented. Oh! The hypocrisy of them! Always praising those teachers who hunted me so much and don't even have the qualification to be teachers. I keep recalling one thing happened on Dec.30 last year since 3 hours ago. I can't do anything but sinking in my thoughts. I had severe difficulty falling asleep since last year, so I was late for school on Dec.30. My class teacher went for me, and educated me not to be late for school again. From then on, my insomnia became even more severe. I screamed and screamed, but I am trapped in my thoughts and I keep blaming myself. I am thinking about quitting school. After all, it's the last semester. All I received at school is hatred from teachers. Absolutely nothing can be learned from school.

First of all, I'm sorry that my broken English didn't convey my intended meaning. My suicidal thoughts came from training. You have to be an athlete to understand this. Few people can, but A LOT OF people judge me. They don't even know what I've been through. After my injury, I failed to break the school record. It's the injury which made me stop the grinding training that made my obsession thoughts worse, not the race itself. Some people refer to this huge loss of me as 'just a failure'(不就是失败了吗). I'm very annoyed by their response! I didn't just failed in a race! Everyone is arrogant enough to think they understand my ordeal. How can they? If they train like I did, they probably will kill themselves. I don't think there's any question with the relation between my OCD and my running. It's just the same vicious circle like any other OCD symptoms. Before I run every day, I am anxious. When I run, I'm painful. After I run, I'm satisfied for a brief period. I'm going to run through my life, not as an OCD symptom this time, but as a lifestyle. Also, after I break the record, I can shut those people up! Plus, I don't think we are allowed to use mental illness to get sympathy from others here, and I rarely tell any one about my OCD.

A chance encounter with someone gives me the opportunity to apply for an American University, to fulfill my dream of running with the tarahumaras. All this started with the problem of Mexico visa, to get one, the best way for me is to apply for an American University. However, I despise that university, however good it sounds. I want to go to the UK one day, if possible. I'm appalled by the idea of surrounded by California accent. Unfortunately, to run with the tarahumaras, I may have to change my academic goal. (just discovered that this has nothing to da with OCD lol)

I don't know how to start with this topic. Every time someone asks me about it, I give them different answers. I don't even know which version is true. I was injured in my left knee last year, so missed the school record of 800 metres by 0.51 second. This is the version of the story I've told most of them. But what I didn't tell them was how I wished to die from my intensive training load, with only the hope of success in my mind, which my injury ruthlessly took away. I would call it OCD symptoms rather than running training because I was literally torturing myself. Looking back into those days, all I can recall are 'suicidal thoughts', 'pain', 'PAIN', and ' PAIN', yet I got nothing in return. Luckily, my OCD told me, I've done my best torturing myself. It's very rare for me to look back and tell myself that I've tried my best with no regrets. I can proudly promise that what I've been through may be the greatest amount of pain anybody can inflict on himself. Don't get me wrong. It's not a happy ending at all. Missing breaking the record means I have to start all over again. I want to kill myself even just thinking about that.

Oh, the temptation of death!

I don't want to be happy; I want to be satisfied. I don't want to be good; I want to be perfect. I don't want dopamine, I want serotonin.

I guess forum is just a place you can talk about your negative emotions (in English) without character limit? Anyway, to anyone who cares and to myself: It's really been difficult for me in the past two years. I can't possibly describe my sufferings. Some people may think I'm just exaggerating my ordeal, but the truth is that I'm not. I used to doubt myelf, I used to think that I'm just too, but God knows I'm not. It's really really really painful in September to November last year. Everytime I recall what my English teacher did to me, how close I was to the 800 metres race record(0.51second), and how I was severely injured in my left knee, I want to die. Unlike some people, I won't commit suicide and I won't hurt myself deliberately. Somehow I know that God makes me live and makes me suffer what others needn't suffer. (I don't believe in God wholeheartedly.) As for today, I received my English college entrance grade. I scored 132/150, but I'm not satisfied at all. I'm under extreme pressure now, partly academically. There's no way for me to catch up with my classmates. There's absolutely no way for me to enter my dream college. Oh, how hard my life is. I'm only talking about the truth. I daren't say this kind of words anywhere else. I would definitely be targeted by hatred coments, but I hope I won't here. Also, I wrote an essay on SSRIs last semester. (I translated all the journals from English myself!) I've learned a lot through the whole experience. (Is there anyone who is interested in my essay?)