SamOCD

One other positive thing that has come out of this is realising that I still need to do more work on eliminating compulsions from all areas of my life. Not to be perfect at it, but as there’s still so many hidden compulsions that can lead towards relapse when life inevitably happens. What made me realise this is that even though the feedback from Mark Freeman and all of you on here made it clear that the desire to do ERP was a checking/controlling compulsion. A test, rather than exposing myself to an everyday occurrence and deliberately NOT compulsing when the fears arose. But I f I’m really honest with myself, even if I’d been someone who LOVES nude spas and who OCD was restricting, I don’t think I’d have been ready to go through with an exposure like this. Partly as it feels so wrong and partly as I’d be terrified of my thoughts/what I felt. Even if it was in order to do what I want. So although I won’t go through with this checking compulsion, it makes me realise that I’ve still got some work to do in order to be open to facing anything in areas that I genuinely want to do in life. As unexpected anxieties always come up. Being surrounded by naked people of all ages isn’t something I generally encounter (thankfully) so I’ll probably just have to let this one go as ‘who knows’, but the principle remains the same. I need to be able to say yes to things I want to do even if I’m terrified of them. And not be ruled by anxiety or the need for certainty. God it’s complex when a compulsion disguises as an exposure. Your comment about ERP being led by your values and what you want to do in life was the most useful comment in helping guide me out of this compulsion anxiety. Thank you for that Gemma. Now I better go and bathe in a pool of anxious thoughts about whether I’m just avoiding. Whilst not reacting and getting on with some important practical things I actually need to do!

I’ve suffered from this too Dandy. Hang in there. The more you try and remember something from the past the less certain you will become. The ‘maybe it did happen and maybe it didn’t’ can be a useful maxim to hold onto. Trying to disprove it just means you’re telling your brain it’s important and it should throw more doubts your way. My therapist always used to day when I was uncertain about a memory ‘just because it feels real, doesn’t mean it is’ hope you feel better soon!

Hi Cat21, Great that you got some CBT to help. I've had two lots of CBT (both useful). It's frightening going it alone but the forums are great for support and knowledge, I'm new to them myself but my therapist always recommended them. My second lot of CBT was through CADAT (Centre for Anxiety and Trauma) which was very good. Through patients choice if you decided to get therapy again you can ask for a referal there (or to whichever specialist you want) through your GP. A year has to have passed since your last NHS CBT ended before you'd be allowed to. As Northpaul said I think give yourself time to adjust and see how you go with the tools you've learnt. Also remember it's not a perfect process and it's normal to make mistakes. Hope it goes well for you!

Hi 000. What you're talking about with the bedsheets sounds similar to contamination ocd. I know you're not looking for reassurance but it def sounds normal. I hope you feel better soon! Be good to yourself.

‘There will always be something we haven’t done’ and ‘doing things that you want to do but ocd holds you back’ Both really really true and useful. Probably could have just cited these rather than the rambling reply to you I wrote a minute ago Gemma!

Thanks Gemma. That’s incredibly useful. I think the context is so key. What tripped me up at first is that my ocd bully knows full well that such an extreme scenario would fill me with contradictory emotional reactions and doubt about what I ‘feel’. And it was screaming that I therefore HAD to do ERP. There was obviously some relief at realising I wouldn’t have to put myself through a scenario that I knew I’d be terrified of and that also I didn’t fundamentally want to do in the first place. That relief made me feel guilty that I’d failed. But then through these chats on the forum I've been able to realise that my motivation was not to enable me to go nude swimming in the future, given it’s not something I want to do, but to reassure myself about that initial fear - because it felt so real and would prove to me that something is wrong with me. It was a compulsive urge to do erp. And it was also a compulsive urge to do my erp perfectly! So like you said, as it’s not a scenario that is common in my life I reckon the best reaction to that compulsive urge is probably to just accept the thought/anxiety wholeheartedly. That if I did do that exposure, that I probably WOULD have doubts about my feelings and whether I had inappropriate urges etc. And that I might have now made a mistake and convinced myself of this to simply ‘get away’ with avoiding a difficult scenario. I’ll have to accept that I’ll never know and live in that uncertainty. Which in itself is probably a good exposure to accepting that nothing is perfect. Thanks for the replies. It makes a huge difference. And I appreciate you coming back to me so soon as it’s nice to get clarification on my thinking.

Thankyou Gemma, that makes total sense. I think that idea of ERP being in line with compulsions that effect my normal everyday life is really helpful to remember as a measure against which to check. I’m sure there are tons of scenarios I don’t currently engage in (like nudist spas) that I might feel uncomfortable in and have a gut feeling about wanting to avoid, but I just need to sit with the uncertainty about what I would do in that situation. It definitely feels like forcing myself into extreme situations that I don’t ordinarily engage in just to try and chase perfectionism in my treatment, is a compulsion and THAT’S what I should be cutting out. My suspicion is that the perfectionism is something of a controlling compulsion, with me trying to eliminate anxiety by proving to myself that I can handle any scenario regardless of how extreme. Which is not in line with the principle function of ERP, i.e. to become functional in my ordinary everyday life. I guess never knowing either way in itself is also a good exposure to tolerate uncertainty. Thanks for your help. It’s so lovely to be able to speak to other people with the knowledge and experience. It’s such an isolating condition.

Thanks 000. That was my thinking too. It’s Germany. They’re apparently very relaxed there with nudity. I’ve never been to a nudist pool or beach so it’s definitely not part of my normal life. I think that when it popped up it just stuck in my head as a scenario that I’d feel uncomfortable with and therefore I had a sudden urge to do erp. It feels as though even though it seemed like exposure it was more of a compulsion itself (as Mark Freeman said) and it feels inappropriate and out of my comfort zone. I think another clue that this was a compulsion was that I was getting uncomfortable and anxious at the prospect of NOT doing the ERP, as if I was then failing at not doing every conceivable bit of ERP out there. Like I had to do it ‘just right’ or perfectly. Particularly as attending a spa like this would indeed make me feel uncomfortable. But to be honest it would make me feel uncomfortable at any rate! My intitial reaction was that I didn’t particularly want to be naked around anyone The other erp I’ve done has never left me with the same queesy feeling this does. I think I need to get better at spotting my need to do erp in a compulsive way and just let some of it go. Perhaps being able to let some of this go is also useful in the sense that it stops me from compulsions of having to get my ERP just right. Which doesn’t feel like the rationale for ERP at all. It’s as though I was trying to prove something rather than just getting used to coping with a regular occurrence. I appreciate the reply. It’s nice to be part of the forum! First time posting so was quite nervous. Everyone seems quite friendly though.

I should also say I'm having a top up session with my old therapist for this in the coming weeks, to get advice, but I wanted to get some input from the forum too if possible. Especially as I was aware that the motivation for the erp felt like an ‘urge’ to do ERP so that I could prove to myself that I could do it. Or so that it wouldn’t be hanging over me in the background as ‘doubt’ about a situation. Thanks

Hi everyone, I'm new to the forums. I've had CBT twice now, both times really useful. When I was a kid my OCD was checking orientated and then after the birth of my eldest, moved to sexually orientated themes. The reason I'm reaching out is because I suspect my ERP has become a 'controlling' or 'checking' compulsion in itself. I recently had an issue come up where I felt ERP would just be inappropriate, but then the thought of NOT doing the ERP made me very anxious too. Which is when I realised that I'd become very regimented in doing exposures at the drop of a hat. Despite finishing therapy 9 months ago. For context. My family and I are going on holiday this year to Europe and visiting one of the many European baths. We discovered that some of the baths were compulsory nudist (which none of us want to engage in) so we found one that is compulsory bathing suits. Shortly afterwards I discovered that some of the compulsory nudist baths allow anyone from early teenage years upwards to go in. This spiked my OCD anxiety of how I might 'feel' if confronted with that, as my OCD has focused on the fear of attraction. It's an odd one as I have no desire to go to a nudist spa anyway (plus my family wouldn't go - so it would be me alone which is even weirder), but as soon as this spiked my fear I became equally anxious about the fact that if I did NOT do ERP by forcing myself to go to a spa and see people of all ages naked, then I would somehow be 'cheating' by avoiding my anxiety. As if that one missed bit of potential ERP even existing out there could derail my recovery. I spoke to Mark Freeman the author and OCD advocate who creates great resources for OCD. He replied and said that this is a compulsion and nothing like the process of ERP (he was at pains to tell me that it's not even ERP as a compulsion - just a compulsion), and that I need to work on expanding and cutting out my compulsions. It's an odd one though as the thought of avoiding this situation feels like it brings relief - which in turn makes me guilty that I'm avoiding, but at the same time it feels like ERP here is likely a compulsion and therefore just me trying to get my treatment 'just right'. Also this scenario feels deeply inappropriate and creepy. I certainly don't want to use wandering around a naked spa as an ERP experiment. I've done loads of other ERP for this theme which is always triggering but it's always felt appropriate and I've never thought for a single moment that it might involve actually forcing myself to physically go into a space wandering around with actual naked young people. Odd question I know but hopefully one that makes sense. I can't help but feel that perhaps living with the uncertainty of how I might react in that situation is enough and that I should just let it go and live with never knowing. I know that letting the fears be is part of the process of recovery and perhaps i'm getting too focused on making sure I do my recovery 'just right', but for some reason I feel like when it's a situation that I know would also cause me great anxiety and doubt, I get that insatiable urge that I MUST do rigorous ERP. Even though in a situation like this it feels inappropriate and something I wouldn't want to do under non-ocd circumstances. Thanks for reading and any responses. Nice to be part of the community.