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Zombie

Bulletin Board User
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    Living with OCD

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  1. hey all. my landlord is a hypnotherapist and was sharing with me today about working with a woman who recovered a repressed memory from when she was really young. & that apparently it was factual because her parents backed up the story (it was to do with a fight her parents had). I know that there is no scientific evidence to prove repressed memory (that would be highly unethical to purposefully expose a human to trauma) and that there is a ton of controversy, especially because false memories are scientifically proven. But I've gone down the rabbit hole a bit today and researching it, and I'm really worried that it is a thing, because what that could mean for me and my 'false memory OCD.' As I was researching I was thinking "if I did commit a crime, why am I sure sometimes that I didn't do that." then lo and behold I read something about someone who was abused but sometimes is sure of it and sometimes isn't. I feel like God is trying to tell me that I am indeed a monster. Please... any insight would be appreciated
  2. I'm still scared if people are reading this and think I'm a monster, please tell me it's ok, I want to know I don't want to be posting on here if it isn't OCD. I'm really struggling. I'm sorry I've posted a few times without a response
  3. at one point I remember being gentle and telling him it is ok; my major concern now is, is that evidence I encouraged him?! What was I telling him was ok?! to talk to me or that he did something?! that he wanted to do something?! I'm freaking out I'm so sorry . I feel like I just found evidence that my earlier worry is true
  4. Ugh I was feeling a little better. Now I feel sick. I'm worried like, what if I encouraged him? Cause I can't remember everything I said I mostly listened I think, but like. I can't remember exactly what I said. Would I remember that??? **** I can't bare this.
  5. Thank you, @malina. You've been a big help today, I am so triggered that it may not seem a difference was made but absolutely there was I had no OCD surrounding this the following day. I'm going to try to compartmentalize this for now because I know I am in excruciating pain and incredibly anxious xx thank you again
  6. Thank you very much, I had a therapy session that ended about a half hour ago. She let me know about how I was in a trauma response as well as being under the influence, and wouldn't have known how to act. I'm absolutely ruminating; I just emailed her because another piece I remembered about that night popped up. I haven't got a response to that yet, but during our session she said she recognizes this as 100% OCD/mental health, and has absolutely no concerns about me being a monster. It helped for sure, and you've helped to just still very afraid of what that says about me as a person. Just that I was comfortable around him at some points during the night. Like was that just the drugs? Was I very detached? Was I just being kind? We even discussed hanging out in the future, my thinking was so twisted like wtf. I don't know Thank you so much. This helps a lot as well. It was such a mind ****. It was like I was trying to be a good person but in turn made me a horrible person, as per my thoughts. My therapist also told me I would have been in a trauma response. To quote myself above in this same post, I am still just reeling about why I would feel comfortable around him at some points during the night. I don't know if that was drugs, me being kind, me being detached, or me being a monster and condoning it My thinking was so twisted at one point that I remember telling him I was gunna attend school in his home town and we could hang out. Like WHAT? (I was already signed up for classes there and told him that.) Obviously I'm not going to be hanging out with him, but what the **** like was that all trauma? What is wrong with me
  7. Ugh Not even feel. I did show compassion. I was kind instead of reacting horrified immediately. Not until he left. I don't know wtf to do with myself now
  8. I feel like I showed compassion to a monster, and whatever the reason for that was, being an addict or lonely or higher than a kite or all of the above. The fact I did as such, makes me a monster.
  9. Thank you so much for responding quickly, @Clicketyclack I absolutely feel like there was wrongdoing on my part though , as I should have reacted horribly instead of providing a safe space for him to open up!!! What if at one point I didn't plan to report?! I don't know what was going on in my head. I was probably shocked, I know I was trying to take it as like "maybe this is meant to happen so that I'll Never have false memory OCD again," but wtf. Like we hung out and talked. Not about that for the most part I don't think, I maybe put it on the back burner as well to some degree. I know I was intoxicated and not thinking straight. But I just. I feel like plain and simple, whatever was going on, addict or not, high or not, lonely or not, reported it later or not, I should have immediately been like get the **** out and called the cops. Like wtf is wrong with me Yes I have had lots of counselling and treatment for addiction Why. Why did I hesitate. I cannot believe that doesn't make me a monster that deserves to die
  10. For years and years I've suffered with false memory OCD, usually at the theme being could I have hurt a minor. I relapsed the other night, and at first it was on my DOC which was alcohol, but as the night continued and I met up with someone and we got to the hotel, there was cocaine as well. I can't recall now if the coke was busted out before this person telling me this, but anyway, I don't even know how the **** it came up but what I do remember is being kinda like wait... are you a pedophile?? He has told me that when he was 13 he assaulted a 4 year old girl, and I had asked him if he would ever hurt someone (a kid) in the future. He said that if he knew he could get away with it he probably would. In the morning after he left, after me being up all night (he slept a little bit), and after I talked to my friend, I called the police and reported him. I didn't have much info but his age, first name, phone number, and city he lived to give the officer, but she said she would look into him. What is blowing my mind is that I remember, actually I even wrote it down during my intoxicated state, how ****** up this situation was but at least it helped conquer my OCD. In the weirdest way, hearing someone tell me they actually did that, made me convinced that I would KNOW had I hurt a kid. But so what? Because now, I ******* hung out with that freak and did coke, my addict wanted the drugs there, I was essentially a pseudo-counsellor for awhile! Like WHY ! Does that mean I actually condone it?!?!?! I actually HATE myself. Was I that ******* starved for a candid conversation I was willing to party with a monster for a bit to not be alone? Because honestly, I feel like that makes me just as bad. I feel so ******* horrible. My mom is trying to convince me I have nothing to feel badly about, I was out of my mind, I did report it and rather quickly at that. But still. Please. What do you guys think. Be honest. Do I just need to drink again and kill myself because like this is horrible. I do have a counselling appointment and I hope she gets the cops to arrest me if she thinks I'm bad. I want to phone the cop back too to make sure she knows I didn't IMMEDIATELY report it, so that I get punished if I need to. Because I feel like I did something HORRIBLE
  11. Thank you, @PolarBear! It is so difficult, I feel like I get so close to letting it go and being happy, but then I get so worried that I'm just being careless and evil and I need to be ruminating until I discover I did do something. I am scared that I may not deserve happiness, that I may have done something horrible. It truthfully paints my whole future into something not worth living
  12. Hey everyone. I was wondering if anyone could help me figure this out. Lately I've been struggling with some OCD that I posted about, and have been doing a lot better. Last night I went to thank my Higher Power (God, if you prefer), and I felt icky like maybe I was lying, like my Higher Power wasn't helping me and I shouldn't be thanking them when it wasn't OCD but I'm a sick monster. A few times now I've asked my Higher Power (God, if you prefer) to let me know if what I was/am struggling with was/is really OCD -- I ask if I did actually do something horrible. I sometimes don't feel good, sometimes I do feel better. I'm not a particularly religious person, but I am very spiritual and rely on my Higher Power heavily with being an alcoholic and trying to work the 12 steps. I've had a lot of spiritual experiences, so I'm extremely worried that me getting that thought/feeling that maybe I shouldn't be thanking them, and when I don't feel ok after I ask my Higher Power if I'm a monster, means that I need to be concerned about this. Anyone relate or any thoughts? Thank you
  13. Thank you so much for your response, @MRT I try my best to halt it as well; sometimes the initial anxiety is so powerful even before doing any compulsions that I hear you, it is very very tough! I'm sorry that you're struggling at the moment but I agree with one day at a time. Sometimes when I'm healthy I'm afraid of when I'll have another spiral, but I'm trying to live in faith that everything is/will be fine as opposed to fear that it isn't/won't be best wishes
  14. Thank you very much, @malina -- I've been doing quite a bit better
  15. Thank you for your response again, @malina! I think I know what you mean. My brain/OCD could make a connection with a minor in a memory, even if there is no obvious similarity between the minor and the memory, because OCD is completely illogical? (Not to mention the brain can just do odd things?)
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