welterwhite

I got very bad ocd in my teens and I’m left with an identity crisis never feeling like I made it to adulthood

I don’t know how to overcome this nobody respects me I can’t be a man because of the seeking of reassurance

I don’t think there’s any real answer to this but to suffer

Yeh it’s very hard tho my brain plays real tricks on me

Back to being tormented I guess

U know tho u can imagine someone close to u in peripherals i imagined the person being near me or at least some sort of shadow my brain then said that person was near me and then it made me feel like my hand was touching something but I neevr looked to see how close the person was so now I don’t know if it was really them near me or my brain trying to play tricks on me

I was going past someone on my bike, and I was worried I was going to touch them, my memory plays tricks on me and makes me think my hand was closer to them as I got this thought my intrusive thoughts are very vivid and my mind was actively imagining my fingers against something and I’m now worried I was actually touching them how do I deal with this

Tired of the same thing everyday constantly being tormented I have no job very little money and very little support it all really kinda sucks what is wrong with this world

Just tired of being tortured by my mind this really sucks lol ouch ouch ouch so depressed and tormented

U do realise that even if u had been super hyper “productive” you would have soon not been productive enough for your ocd and would be in the exact same scenario. You can’t win you have to not play… that’s the only way you win. If people were as honest and transparent as you have been the world wouldn’t run right, it would fail. I don’t need to tell everyone I crapped my pants. There’s nothing altruistic in that, again grace is allowing for mistakes. Do you allow others grace ? Or do you go around judging people harshly like you do yourself. That mentality wil only ever lead to torment because your human. Try to take some comfort in knowing if you’d really jeopardised safety or whatever they’d have sacked u straight away wouldn’t have to think about anything

No other way to put it intrusive thoughts and questioning reality

I’ve seen a few of ur posts and it seems to me u clearly struggle with scrupulousity, I think you need therapy to address the concept that someone gets it right all the time. Unfortunately they don’t. And there’s probably many things u have done that are wayyyyy worse than this but ur not hung up on them because ur ocd isn’t targeting it right now. You need to allow yourself some grace. The world is not black and white. There is a lot of virtue signalling in this world, self righteousness is itself immora. We are all pretty much Peices of **** to one degree or another. Torturing urself is also immoral. The therapist Phillipson has an interesting take on it that there is no such thing as “good people” try to think of urself as a human having a challenging experience, unless u change ur thinking in this way I think ur going to keep beating urself up with moral rigidity that tbh with u the level and standard ur trying to maintain doesn’t exist it’s an unattainable goal like the quest for certainty

How do I get help with this without the fear of judgement

I’m beating myself up tbh on this because i blame myself maybe it’s hyper responsibility ocd or something I don’t know and perfectionism or something I do t know I want to talk about what’s bothering me but darent / can’t

Yes since my previous post I did some compulsions which then opened up something else and I’m kicking myself for the compulsion I did. And I’ve done this so many times that, now I feel like I’ve done something wrong, I have a real problem with blaming myself etc. but I can’t even talk about it because these days some things are very subjective and some people probably do twist what I’ve done and think I’ve done something wrong

Particularly Pocd themes I just think can easily be misconstrued and yet it’s the thing I struggle with the most but I’m overly cautious

I am struggling with something atm that I feel I can’t talk about now and I dunno I feel like talking about it would cause more anxiety and open up a can of worms also know the best case scenario for what someone would say why is this condition so difficult ?

This is also very isolating and I often feel I cannot get the help I need as ocd in of itself is poorly understood let alone with all these comorbidities

Navigating that is tough tho and can sometimes leave me in an endless loop

The functional neurological disorder has yes also possible long covid has aswell I.e brain fog etc

I think they are great, but I think there’s a few things happening here that need to be taken into account. The first thing is since I had what I think was a covid infection in my brain 2 years ago. I have been left with “functional neurological disorder” and I feel I have short term memory problems aswell as cognitive distortions. So imagine ocd now imagine ocd based on “false memories” without clear thinking to the degree and now imagine it with a distorted memory that can’t be relied upon almost as if one was drunk. And ocd then playing on that issue. This makes it incredibly difficult for me not too indulge in rituals as I genuinely feel like I’m rolling the dice on what is real, secondly that day I felt the urge a lot and did actually stretch my hand out because I tend to do that to Keep it in the same position moreover, I’ve had involuntary movements in the direction of what my brain is focusing on because of how much I’m focusing on it and because of a lack of impulse control, which further makes me feel it’s plausible something happened. This illness is torturous, and so are the other comorbidities as they compound the problem for me that i feel this looks more like psychosis than ocd. I don’t know what to say really. I’m overwhelmingly shook up And depressed. Apart of me wishes I never went out that day, but then we are told not to shy away from these things so I don’t know.

I think I’d have heard something by now…. But still the problem bothers me

I just punched myself in the face 10 times I love being mentally ill

Can’t seem to let it go not good in my mind there’s a lot more going on I have a lot of memory problems and bad impulse control from having a covid infection in the brain, my brain insight is very bad because my memory is bad and my I have cognitive distortions. It’s been 3 days but I want to ask for cctv but cctv may look weird because of my hand positioning and stuff if they will even let me look this is too much I live with this everyday and get no sympathy

I did read it but I worry this is different it was very intense and very confusing