ocd_guy

Hmm ok, I shouldn't have said "pretty well". I can still handle the situation. But it's exhausting. Hahah yess, I absolutely have. Idk if ASD also plays a role, but the self-consciousness and the monitoring of my own behaviour and thoughts is the worst and feeds the OCD. This is the main problem I think. It is a problem in all social situations. One time more than another time. One-on-one conversations are absolutely the worst. 1 conversation of 30 minutes, and my head feels like exploding. Group conversations are difficult in the beginning (high tension level, hyperfocus, stressed). However, the tension usually reduces somewhat during the meeting/social event. Also events with many sensort stimuli are difficult. Since the surroundings keep changing, my brain keeps hyperalert. It is a problem everywhere where faces appear. On tv, in a magazine, during crossing people on the street, during social events. You name it. Even if a person would cover their eyes, my brain would feel anxiety/tension when looking at that person.

Indeed, that's how it should be. And how it was it the past. So this leaves me at... having absolutely no idea why I can't get over this issue. Having no idea what truggers it and how to get over it. It feels like I'm out of options to recover from this issue. I tried meds, I tried OCD treatment and anxiety treatment. All based on CBT. All of this didn't help. Time, only time, helps somewhat. I get used to the anxiety and I accept it more than I did in the beginning. But workdays are exhausting. Social interaction is exhausting and very stressful. Life is just so much more difficult and less satisfying than it was before. Workdays feel more like surviving than like living and my mind is alert and working at 200% all the time. I'm afraid that eventually, this will result in a burn-out or depression. Although I can at the moment still handle the situation pretty well. I have no idea if there are people with this same type of ocd. I mean, I know that there are people with sensorimotor OCD. Although, being not very common. I have read a couple of topics from people with gazing/staring/peripheral vision issues. But most of these topics are like 10 years old. Leaves me at: the specific issue I have is rather rare I think. According to the internet, sensorimotor OCD can be treated fairly well. Well, I have no idea what to do. What kind of help should I seek for? Should I just go on with my life and accept that this will be my life? Is there a specific type of therapy for these kind of issues? Adjust my life to live with this mental condition? Idk what to do to be honest. I was hoping anybody here has maybe gone through similar (sensorimotor like) issues, has questions or comments which bring me closer to understanding the cause of my issue or have advice for what to do. Thankss for reading btw.

Maybe a short addition: In the past, I never was aware of how I did or did not make and maintain eye contact. Maybe I didn't make "normal" eye contact in the past as well. Maybe I just gazed in the direction of somebody's face, which gave me enough cues to read somebody's expressions. But I don't know, bc I didn't pay attention. I do know, that I would never have made a comment about somebody's eyes. Sometimes, I hear people say: ooh, he/she has beautiful eyes. I never made such a comment, I'm pretty sure. If you had asked me 2.5 years ago about the eye color of my friends, or familly members, I couldn't tell you. From my parents and brother, I knew. But other people, no idea. I don't know if this tells me that I didn't make "normal" eye contact in the last as well. My psychologist told me that she also couldn't tell me the eye color of her parents. Just because she doesn't pay attention. Maybe I just don't remember, because I did not pay attention in the past as well. Idk if I should see this as an indication that in the last I also didn't make "normal" eye contact. Or if this doesn't tell me anything.

Hi Angst, Thanks for your reply. Based on your name, I suppose you're a Dutchie as well? Do you have OCD problems or are you a psychologist? I didn't have eye contact issues before I started paying attention. I never was aware of it, not even for a second. I don't know how I did it to be honest. I just did it naturally, or at least, in a way that felt natural for me. You're right: the problem is being conscious and monitoring my behaviour, more or less. But I don't know how to stop this. You say: the more you interact, the less conscious you will be. What do you mean exactly? How can I interact, connect with people, take part of conversations, while leaving out the analysing and monitoring of my own behaviour. It's quite a struggle. Monitoring in OCD can be about any body function. It can also be about breathing as an example. I can have this from time to time as well, but much less disturbing and this will fade away over time. Which brings me to the question: why does the eye contact anxiety not fade away? There must be a more deep rooted cause, which keeps the anxiety present. Idk if that makes sense.

Hi DSR1, I think you touch on some really relevant aspects here. First, good to hear that you found the help you needed and that the psychologists did notice you had ASD. I think it's still often misdiagnosed. Especially for women. How is it for you to have OCD and ASD? What are your main struggles and how do you cope with these? How do you look towards the future? Maybe a somewhat bold question: how old are you and in what sector are you working? I am 26 years old myself and work as a scientist/physicist. In my job, I have to discuss a lot with collegues. I don't have an office, but we work in large rooms with about 40 people in 1 room. So, that is quite noise and also doesn't really help with my OCD unfortunately. I often judge myself and feel inferior to other people, seeing them having fun with each other, which all seems so eays and natural for them. The future scares me to be honest. Sexuality isn't something which really bothers me now. If I could go back to the situation as it was: being relaxed while watching tv and having a conversation without feeling tension, that would mean the world to me. I think you're right about the thin line between certain mental issues. A couple of years ago, I was treated for anxiety. Then, about 2.5 years ago, I asked my GP for referral to a GGZ institute which also does autism diagnostics, since I still had anxiety issues and I felt like, there must be an explanation. I had to fill out a large amount of questionairies, had to do some tasks and my mother was involved in the whole process. The outcome was that I have some characteristics which are typical for ASD. But not enough to diagnose ASD. My psychiatrist thought it would be OCD. And to some extent, I agree. I mean, that I even have this issue with watching tv is more related to OCD than to ASD I guess. But as I said, it could also be both. So, I reached out to an institute which is (as they say) specialised in treating OCD. But this also didn't help. So, I have no idea how to proceed now. A second opinion is one of the options I am also still considering. But I don't know how much it would help. I mean, ASD is not a term that describes the cause. ASD can still not be demonstrated objectively, based on someones brain function for example. It is merely used to describe certain behaviour. I can have eye contact issues, without having autism. The opposite is also well possible: having ASD, but no eye contact issues. So, I don't know if ASD would help to find a way to deal with the anxiety I experience. But maybe it could help to accept, or the ASD psychologists could help to accept, the difficulties I encounter with eye contact. Thanks for your replies btw, I appreciate it

Hi, Thanks your your reply and for taking time to respond so extensively I'm sorry to hear about your issues. Must be a real struggle too! Do you live on your own and do you have a day job? About the first part, you are right. I am doing a lot of compulsions and checking. If I don't look people in their eyes, it feels like weird and I don't get any non-verbal signals. I wouldn't say that I have (or actually, had) difficulty reading non-verbal cues. However, when I look people in their eyes, I feel overwhelmed and completely stressed out. I feel like I am just staring in their eyes and I don't know when to look away. I just stare, feel overwhelmed, and don't get the content of the conversation. When not looking in their eyes, I don't know where to look and I feel stressed too. I can't focus on the content of the conversation. How is that for you? Can you just look into the surroundings and still focus on the conversation without being distracted by thoughts? I have had 1 relationship. I think I am (somewhat) asexual. I am at least not the same as most NT people on this aspect for sure. This relationship also gave me some stress and anxiety. In new situations (being among family, friends etc of my partner) I initally had quite a lot of stress. This improved over time. However, social situations in which I felt I had to be the best version of myself to be accepted or to be liked, caused me stress. On the other hand, I also really liked the intamicy and love a relationship can bring. I'm not sure whether I have autism. When I have it, I think I would also fall into the Asperger's classification. Although, I don't think they still make a differentiation. I can at least mask my issues very well and nobody has ever made any comment about it. About your last part, my shrink typically gave the example of a white bear. If you tell me not to think of a train, obviously I would think about a train. However, over time it would go away, since I don't associate a train with any danger or stress. I can be obsessive over other body functions too. If I now think about it and write this, I am aware of my breathing and blinking for example. Actually, now I type this, I can feel my stress level rising. But I know that it will go away over time. I can be present for a couple of minutes or even a couple of days (in the past). But the eye contact won't go away. It's just too deep rooted I guess, I don't know. Or it is just a combination of ASD and OCD which makes it so difficult to overcome this issue. Really no idea. I also really don't know how to accept these thoughts without overthinking it. Without feeling stressful when I get invasive eye contact thoughts. I feel like my tension level is so high, that just any trigger immediately triggers the ocd and causes a headache.

Thanks for your reply. I only now realise that ASS is the Dutch abbreviation for autism and that it's ASD in English... Excellent question you ask and I feel like the "overthinking" is indeed a large contribution to the problem. However, it feels like I cannot stop it. It started two years ago with noticing the problem. At that time, it felt like I had to constantly check how other people make eye contact, to figure out whether I was abnormal or not. So I started paying attention to how people make eye contact and where people look, even in movies. But also people I cross at the street for example. I realised that people just make eye contact, while being difficult for me at that moment, and this even increased the focus on eye contact. This built up to the situation I am in currently, where being around people already makes me anxious. I don't really have to find the cause for this problem, but I can't let go of it either. I think, deep down, I still have the feeling that I have to make normal eye contact, otherwise people think I am weird. But also when I try to let go of it and just don't look people into their eyes, there is constant anxiety. As I said, even with movies. I just can't look wherever I want without overthinking. Accepting that I am who I am and that I look wherever I look sounds like the way to go for me. But I don't know how to get to this point that I just accept it without overthinking. It seems so simple, but in reality is so hard. How did you come to the point of acception? And how do you deal with eye contact in social situations? Do you have a partner? And how do you deal with that? In the past, I didn't like being on my own. Now, being on my own is the only situation I can really calm down...

Hi all, About 5 years ago, I had been going through a couple of mental issues (anxiety and social anxiety related mostly). At the same time, I was really struggling with who I am and why I felt different than other people. I also wondered where these mental issues came from. In my search for answers I also read some information about autism. I read about the difficulty of eye contact which is typical for people with ass. I started paying attention to how I made eye contact, and guess what: since I was aware of eye contact, it was rather difficult. This situation lasted a couple of weeks (only in certain situations), and then faded away. I still had (social) anxiety issues and some ocd related issues which usually lasted a couple of months (obsession with counting the number of steps when I walked a stairs, obsessively having songs in my head, counting words in a sentence, etc.). But overall, I was feeling ok. Untill about 2 years ago, after I broke up with my gf. At some moment later, I was walking with my mother and I remembered the eye contact obsession. Since then, it has never dissapeared anymore and became only worse. Currently, it stresses me out all day long. I even have it with characters on tv or when watching videos on my phone. Conversations can be really exhausting and stressful. I don't know where to look, eye contact causes very much anxiety and gives me a headache. I tried medication, I have had therapy which focussed on ERP (the shrink thought it was a body focussed obsession). But it did not help. Being tired makes it all even worse. I can't relax, apart from being on my own and reading a book for example. People in the same room cause stress and cause me to be hyperalert on where I am looking at. I have had a diagnostic test, but the test didn't indicate autism (which I still have some doubts about). In the past I never ever had any thoughts about eye contact. I made eye contact ( or did not) automatically. However, if I think about my past, I think that maybe I didn't really look at people's eyes (not sure). Sometimes I hear people saying thinks like: that guy/girl has beautiful eyes. I don't think I would ever notice such a thing in the past. But as I said, I'm not sure because I wasn't paying attention in the past. Sorry for the long story. Has anybody ever experienced anything like this? Does anybody have advice for how to deal with these issues or what therapy I could try? I still have no idea whether my issues are caused by ocd or ass, or even a combination. I sometimes feel quite desperate to be honest and it is taking its toll on my life... Thanks for reading, Ocd_guy