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Sarahb

OCD-UK Member
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Everything posted by Sarahb

  1. Thanks hsu. I worry that if I take some time off work, I might lose my job. I suppose I can't expect special treatment all the time. My mother-in-law (who works at the school) is already having to change things a bit, so I don't have to work with a certain person, who has made me feel like dirt. I will try and think of some more goals tonight. :original: Sarah xx
  2. Thanks for your replies. I am on an antip-depressant and some medication to decrease anxiety. Unfortunately my psychiatrist wants to reduce the anxiety ones when I see him on Monday.
  3. My therapist said that a lot of OCD sufferers have other things that they struggle with like low self esteem/confidence, depression etc. I therefore hope that this is the right place to put this. I work in a primary school as a teaching assistant. I am going home at the end of the day with a headache everyday and I think it is a stress headache. I am a very sensitive soul and most of my colleagues are very stressed and irritable. I keep trying to tell myself that I am too sensitive and I shouldn't take what they say and do to heart, but I still am. I feel close to tears when I am at work and dread going into work everyday. I am so depressed. I keep thinking that maybe I wasn't ready to go back to work or maybe I am not cut out for work. I wasn't very good in an office environment and now I am struggling at school. I am useless at art and craft and that is mainly what I am doing at the moment. I keep worrying about things that aren't my responsibility. When I did this last time I ended up having a panic attack and being off work for 2 years + years. It just seems like a big mess. I have therapy tomorrow, which I am dreading. My psychiatrist has told my therapist that I have always given up on my therapy and therapists. This is far from the truth. One of my therapists gave up on me. I haven't done my home based tasks again this week for the OCD, because I have been really upset about the last session. It got to the point at the last session where I was given the choice to set goals for the future or give up therapy. How does someone who doesn't see a future write goals? I don't think there is a way out of this mess.
  4. I am doing all the tasks she asks me to do. In fact I set my own homework, with her guidance. I even do more than is asked. I just think that the taps and doors are going to be too hard and I am not sure if I am strong enough to tackle them. Sarah xx
  5. She questioned whether I actually want to get well. I wouldn't be at therapy if I didn't want to get well. I have a job I like now. I want to be happy again. I want that more than anything. I know I can become dependent on people that help me. I think that will help me to be aware if that happens this time. I just wish I could shake this depression Sarah xx
  6. I have had 9 sessions with my therapist. She does CBT and REBT with me. I went to her firstly for my OCD, but also for my confidence and self esteem issues. I really feel that this therapy is working. I have managed to get rid of some of my rituals. Yesterday my therapist asked me if I did want to get well, because then therapy would end. I felt quite upset that she could think that of me. I am in no way faking my problems or doing anything/acting like things are worse than they are. I have sorted out some of the less distressing rituals, but am struggling with the ones that cause the most distress. It is not an act. I just worry that I am not strong enough to face some of the harder rituals. Also she said she was going to help me with my problems around self worth and this is still a big problem for me. After what she said I am now wondering when the therapist knows that you no longer require their services? I still feel that I need the support of therapy. I am still seeing her once a week. I know that I can't be in therapy forever, but I was expecting to be a bit better before I have to stop seeing her. I am so confused and worried. Sarah xx
  7. Hi Sharon, My therapist told me about OCD-UK and suggested that it might help me to talk to other sufferers about OCD. I found OCD-UK invaluable when I first got diagnosed with OCD. It was a relief to read other people's stories and know that I was the only person with this disorder. I still visit the site to see how everyone is getting on and when I need a bit of support. There is always someone there to help you. I think Ashley and the team do a great job :clapping: I still have OCD and have a new therapist. She is working me hard and I am achieving so much :original: Without OCD-UK I would have given up long ago. I hope this helps Sarah xx
  8. Thanks for your replies of advice. Charlie - it was really interesting hear your story about self harming. I am also hoping it is a one off, but I am not so sure. I just seem to have hit another low. :down: I was doing so well. I have recently started taking Prozac and I think soon it will be increased. I have a job that I love, even though I get anxious and stressed by it. Also the OCD has flared up and I am having CBT and finding the exposure work extremely difficult. I don't want to have to give the CBT up, because I am so determind to get rid of the OCD as much as possible. I am worried, because the self-harming and the wanting to do it keeps entering my head, but I know it is wrong and I could either lose my job in a school or end back in hospital (which can't happen, because nobody can afford to sen me there). Rach - I am not totally sure what I can do to help myself. I am trying to throw myself into work, but I walk around feeling so low and not knowing what to do. I am off my food (which is not like me :haha:). I am having therapy once a week (CBT and REBT) to try and sort out my OCD and she is also touching on my low self-esteem. I am having singing lessons twice a month which is about the only thing I enjoy these days and is a real self esteem/confidence boost. Oh, I am so sorry about my moaning :blushing: . I didn't set out to write all this, but in a way it has helped a bit to write this down. Thank you Sarah xx
  9. Last night I had a huge argument with husband. It resulted in him going off to bed and me self harming. I think the reason for the self harming was to punish myself for being such a horrible person. I have noticed recently that I have been very low and not myself. The last time I self harmed was about 7 months ago, so it is a shame I felt the need to do it again last night. I didn't self harm badly, but what if this is just the start? Worried, Sarah
  10. Hi FF It is so good to hear from you and hear you are getting better :hug: Keep going FF. I know you can do it! :original: Sarah xx
  11. Hi I started CBT a couple of weeks ago and we got straight into exposure work. I have checking OCD and therefore any exposure work is based around that. The exposure work is going reasonably well and I am trying my best with it. I am a bit concerned that some of my other rituals are getting a lot worse (the ones I am not working on). Has anyone else had this? Is there anything I can do to stop this happening? thanks Sarah :original:
  12. Thank you :original: I think my Dad could help me make sure the house is ok, but I am worried that this is reassurance and not good in the long run. I know I should really start as I mean to go on. Saying that, at work I accept the reassurance and help. I only do this, because I want be able to do my job and not go off sick for another two years. I have had to go private, because the NHS won't provide me with the right support, because they don't think I am ill enough. When I went to them at the end of last year they gave me a social worker, rather than a CBT therapist. I will try my best with the tasks ahead :original: Sarah xx
  13. Thanks for your support :original: I am working on my ritual of not letting things touch. I have been able to let the remote controls touch for nearly 2 hours! Yesterday I met my new CBT therapist. She did an assessment and thinks she can help me, which is great. I feel I am in the right frame of mind for this to work this time. I want to beat OCD. I know I will never fully get rid of it. My new therapist thinks I may have OCPD. I am now confused and worried again. Hopefully I am on my way to a better life :original: Sarah xx
  14. Due to my OCD it takes me 35 - 40 minutes every morning to check everything to leave the house. This makes me and my Dad late to work every morning. Also I am checking everything at work. This means my work is suffering, because it takes me so long to do everything and makes me very tired. My mother in law and the teacher I work with even have to check things for me, to get things done and so that I don't get so stressed that I go off sick. I know reassurance is a bad thing, but what other option do I have? I don't want to lose my job. I went to see my psychiatrist today and I think I should no longer see him. My psychiatrist said I was over reacting when I said that the OCD was making my job and leaving the house impossible. He decided to split hairs. He then said if I am finding it that difficult I should leave work. He said maybe I am not cut out for work. He said that the only reason I couldn't see a CBT therapist was because of the money. We have all along said money wasn't an issue and this is the first time he has used this excuse. All the other times he said it was because I was to reliant on therapists and therefore I couldn't have one. Today he said the nearest therapist he works with that could fit me in is based in New Ash Green (50 minute drive) and that I would have to have time off work to see her. There are therapists based in Maidstone, but he says that is too far. However I believe Maidstone (20 minute drive) is nearer that New Ash Green. It is as if he is trying to put every obstacle in the way. Luckily I have found my own CBT therapist based in Gillingham 10-15 minute drive), who will assess me this Wednesday and hopefully take me on. He accused me of going to my GP to get my anxiety/calming tablets increased, even though he wrote to my GP to let him know they could be increased if needed. I thought I was doing the right thing, but according to my psychiatrist I should have emailed him and asked his advice. Even though he said at my last session go to my GP if needed. He also doesn't do email consultations and I would therefore have had to pay £100 to ask him to up my OCD tablets and, he wouldn't up them before today, so it could have been all that money for nothing. He told me I should know the difference between calming/anxiety tablets and OCD tablets and should have known I needed the OCD ones increased and not the anxiety/calming ones. As I am not qualified in medicine/psychiatry I thought that if I could calm myself down and get the anxiety down the OCD may lessen. I honestly didn't know I had done the wrong thing. Plus I was desperate and when we tried to get hold of my psychiatrist we couldn't, even though Simon tried a number of times. The only good part to the half hour session, was that he has changed my OCD medication from escitalopram to prozac, so that I can have a higher dose. Another positive is I have booked a singing lesson with a local singing teacher and hope to have lessons every other week!! Sarah xx
  15. I am really at the end of the line with this. My OCD is playing up big time and I don't know what to do :helpsmilie: My OCD had got much better after my stay in hospital and had started to be manageable. I am enjoying my job and don't want to go off sick or give it up completely. But that is definetely the way it is going. It is taking me 35 - 40 minutes to check everything before I leave the house (may not sound too long, but my Dad gives me a lift to work and it makes him late too). When I get to work I check every little thing I do. It means I don't have my full attention on the job, which is important when working with children. I am getting slower and slower at doing things. Also people are starting to notice and are asking me what I am doing, if I am in a long checking session. I wanted to keep it a secret at work and only tell a few people who I work closely work with. Now everyone knows and I feel like they will judge me and my work now. They will see me as the poor collegue, who can't do anything. I actually said to my mother in law who I work with that I feel like a freak in a freak show. I am NOT saying that people with OCD are freaks. This is purely what I think about myself and my situation. I have not CBT therapist and I don't feel my meds are working or aren't strong enough. I am doing exposure work at home with my husband, but this is taking far too long and I am on the verge of leaving my job. I don't know what to do. Sarah xx
  16. I am working on exposure work for different compulsions using the Getting Control book. The first one I am working on is letting things touch. It could be anything from books touching to remote controls. My best time was being able to leave things touching for 20 minutes. I am not sure how long I should be able to leave things touching to have achieved that goal. I know it should be much longer than 20 minutes. I think maybe leaving thigs for an hour, then a few hours and then a whole day, may be the best goals, but I am unsure. Anyone else want to join in with challenges they want to set themselves? Sarah xx
  17. I really am doing exposure work at home. I am using the Getting Control book and have about 5 goals at present. I think it tells you start with a small number of goals and work on and achieve one goal at a time. I am working on letting things touch as my first one, as this is the one with the smallest anxiety rating. My husband is supporting me, because asks someone to help you. I do have Brian Lock, but it is tough going. Sarah xx
  18. Thanks Carol for your message. It is lovely to know I have support here. I am not getting a CBT therapist though. My psych won't let me, because I am too reliant on them. I am all alone in that side of things. I don't get NHS help, because I am not ill enough. Thank you again. Sarah xx
  19. Hi I got upset at work today and made a fool of myself. Everything is getting on top of me and my OCD/anxiety is making it worse. I am a Learning Support Assistant and I feel like the teacher that has been allocated me has drawn the very short straw. I have to keep saying 'I can't do that, because of my OCD'. Lots of things have come up (or so it seems to me). She knows about my OCD, but until today (after getting upset) didn't really know the things that my checking OCD affects. For example, switching electricity and taps on and off. Putting paper or books on shelves or in drawers. I can't use the laminator. I get anxious that I haven't locked something etc, etc. I have now started a list of the things I can't do and have given her the list so far. It looks awful written down. Also our school is still going through building work and lots of us have moved classrooms. Our things were therefore in storage and we therefore have had trouble getting our stuff in, before the children come back. Everything is dusty and dirty. We have had to close the school to children for an extra day, due to health and safety. A complete mess. I expect this doesn't help, because I am getting stressed. All of us are. I am so ashamed and unhappy. I feel useless and hate having to say 'I can't do that.' I try to make excuses about it and say I am trying exposure work at home. The teacher must be thinking why have I been lumped with her? She has been very nice about it to my face, but it can't be easy. She is an Newly Qualified Teacher and this is an important year for her. What a mess. My psychiatrist says I can't have a CBT therapist, because he is says I rely to heavily on them. So me and my husband are having to struggle with it alone. It isn't going to well, but I will keep trying. What a complete and utter mess :down: Sarahxx
  20. Thanks to Ashley and the team for such an interesting ad informative evening on Monday. It was also great to see some people I know and some that I don't. :clapping: Sarah xx
  21. :clapping: Definetely worth a clap. More than one in fact :clapping: :clapping: Well done you. I am so pleased your ocd didn't ruin you holiday :original: Take care Sarah xx
  22. Sarahb

    Poets Corner

    That is brilliant Mel! :clapping: One I wrote today; Hurting Hurting Anxiety squeezing all life from inside me Churning Stomach twisting and Turning I need to break free I am so worried about starting my new job in two weeks that I feel like the above. Sarah xx
  23. Sarahb

    Poets Corner

    Music Moods There is something about music And the way it makes me feel It closes up old wounds And it helps me to heal It lightens up my mood When I’m feeling down It is great to sing along to And when I dance around I couldn’t live without music And the way it makes me feel It fills up my senses A part of me for real! By Sarah B 16/8/07 Bonnie Scotland A bonnie place is Scotland A beautiful place to see Majestic Cairngorm Mountains Covered in fir trees Lochs of glistening water An otter or two Ospreys flying up above A picturesque view A highland cow grazing Reindeer quite a few Enjoying Scotland's pleasant land On the hillside's purple hue A steam train chugs through the hills You can hear it's whistle Past blankets of vibrant heather And prickly purple thistle Ancient castles stand tall and proud Home to a certain clan Their tartan defines who they are Special to each Scottish man A bonnie place is Scotland A beautiful place to see A tranquil haven for everyone With a rich history By Sarah B 16/8/07
  24. aww thank you so, so much Gryphon. :original: It is Mrs, but the children call me miss when they want my attention, so I am very used to it. :original: Please don't worry or feel embarressed. I really appreciate your reply and I love the band!! Take care, Sarah xx
  25. 'Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes' Mahatma Gandhi (1869-1948) 'The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one' Elbert Hubbard (1856-1915) 'Worry a little bit everyday and in a lifetime will lose a couple of years. If something is wrong fix it if you can. But train yourself not to worry. Worry never fixes anything' Mary Hemmingway
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